A To Z Challenge: 'Za

April 30th...the end of my second A to Z Challenge and finally a break.  I can't say I will or won't do this again next year but I can tell you I happy to have this over.  As you can see above I gave you a twofer on the Star Wars characters, the reason for the second one was an inside joke, it's Ziro the Hutt and very flamboyant Hutt.  If you watch the Clone Wars movie you will see.

Alright for the letter Z I am going non-traditional and using an abbreviation....'za, as in pizza.  Is there a more perfect food in the world, scratch that, the galaxy?  Whoever invented the pizza was a freaking genius.  Wait, I just Googled it and it turns out that the genius is Raffaele Esposito of Naples.  He invented the modern pizza.

Pizza is in fact the perfect food for every human being no matter what ridiculous problems you have.  You can get gluten free, vegetarian, tomato free, whatever, it doesn't matter.  Think about it, you take dough, which in itself is a basic mixture and put whatever toppings you want on it.  You can make your own creation!

Let's say you have a hankering for breakfast but don't feel like frying everything up.  Make a pizza out of it, scramble some eggs, throw some potatoes and bacon on there an viola, you've got breakfast pizza.  In the mood for buffalo wings but don't want to make a mess?  Buffalo chicken pizza!  How about a cheeseburger?  hamburg, ketchup, cheese, mustard and other toppings.  All of this on a simple hold in your hand food.

You don't even need a plate or silverware.  Slice it up and grab a piece!  Forget the napkin and just use your sleeve.  The best part about pizza, no matter what kind you have, is it always tastes better cold the next day. The flavors mix and mingle like some sort of orgy and it is fantastic.

If you'll excuse me I am going to make a pizza and celebrate the ending of the A to Z Challenge.

A To Z Challenge: Youth

I have finally caught up and things have slowed down a little too.  Over the weekend I rediscovered the joy of youth.  You see over the weekend I had the pleasure of running my local Boy Scout Council's Pinewood Derby for 92 Cub Scouts.  For those of you who don't know about the Pinewood Derby, it is an event where Cub Scouts take a simple block of wood, cut, sand and paint them to create something only a young imagination could.  They take four plastic wheels and nail them to their creation and send them down a forty foot track.  They can reach speeds up to 200 mph (scaled of course) and the race promotes a healthy competition.  It's a project where parents and boys can work together and build a stronger bond.

I had 92 Cub Scouts racing on Saturday and it was awesome to see.  We had Scouts from 6 to 10 years old and each of their cars were fantastic!  The youthful imagination that was shown Saturday brought a new sense of happiness and faith in humanity.

When I work with the Cub Scouts it washes away anything that has dragged me down during the day and gives me hope that the future will be bright.  They are unbroken, eager and not assholes.  Nothing beats the innocence they show, they don't know about a lot of the bad in the world all they know is what you are teaching them.  I have the chance to help the youth of America and I am grateful for that.

It may not be the Cub Scouts or Boy Scouts but if you are presented a chance to work with youth, I urge you to take it.  Make a difference.

A To Z Challenge: Wicket And X-Wing

OK, so I'm taking the easy way out because it's been crazy in the whole non blogosphere.  I will finish the A to Z Challenge but for know I give you my favorite Ewok and spacecraft...

A To Z Challenge: Very Busy

So today is/was the letter V, I have been very busy so I didn't get a chance to write a good post or a real post at all, but I am a man of my word and I have continued the A to Z Challenge....

A To Z Challenge: Update This!

And Threepio thought Jawas were disgusting...

Today's portion of the A to Z Challenge is brought to you by the letter U.  I know I've touched base about this in the past but it was a general post about Facebook.  Today I want to bring to light the updaters.  I'm not talking about the basic run of the mill updaters, the ones who post every now and then updating you about an event, funny moment in their life or to voice their concern about something.  We are all guilty of that.

The updaters I am talking about fall into three categories:

• Every Waking Minute Updater
• Checker Inners
• Daily Scheduler

Before I go down this road, if you are one of these updaters I swear I'm not talking about you specifically....

The Every Waking Minute Updater or EWM is the person that sleeps with his or her phone on the nightstand and it is the first thing they grab in the morning (I personally grab the Trophy).  They look at that little blue F icon on the screen and quickly tap it...

"Just woke up, didn't sleep well last night."

And it begins, a day of telling the people that hang on every status this person posts what they are doing, "I am making eggs and bacon for breakfast, yum!", "Ugh, doing laundry.", "I guess I'll have a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch.", "Taking a shower.", Getting in my car to go to the store."....ok, who the fuck cares?  So you do the same things everyone else does on a daily routine, we don't need to be reminded of our Ground Hog Day life.  They have something called Twitter if you want to post quick updates.

Then you have the Checker Inners or CIs.  I have fallen prey to this disease and it's not pretty.  This usually happens when people are on vacation.  In fact I just had a friend of mine go to Florida (he knows who he is because I gave him shit about it already).  This friend rarely posts anything on Facebook but all of a sudden he is on vacation and my feed gets blown the fuck up by all sorts of check ins.  "At It's a Small World", "At Hoopty Doo (or whatever it's called) review.", "At Space Mountain"...you get the idea.  People do it locally too, "At the mall.", "At Bugaboo Creek."...thanks now I really feel like a stalker.  What kills me are the pictures that sometimes fall into the mix, especially of the meals they eat.  I really don't want to see your chewed up food or half eaten burger and again, there's Instagram for that shit.

"Twitter is stupid and Instagram is Twitter for people who can't read."

Finally the Daily Scheduler or DSer.  The least annoying updater.  These people post one status update that is a mile long first thing in the morning.

"Getting the kids on the bus, then heading to the laundromat, grocery store and Walmart.  Junior has piano lesson at 2:00 and then I'm getting the kids off the bus.  Taking Junior and Precious to baseball and soccer, I hope I have time to stop and get dinner for them, I should wear an S on my chest LOL."

Of course they have to top off the mile long update with the Supermom/dad reference.  This update is particularly helpful for the robber who now knows your house is unattended for the day, hope you don't mind your 60" plasma getting stolen.

I know we are all guilty to an extent but tone it down for the sake of your "friends".

A To Z Challenge: Twisted Tale

TK-421, why aren't you at your post?  'Cuz I got my ass kicked by a smuggler.

You know what I really enjoy doing?  I enjoy hearing a good story.  You know what I like doing more than that?  Telling a good story and I do just that in the NEW book by Life Well Blogged called Parenting Gag Reel - Hilarious Writes and Wrongs:  Take 26.  In fact I tell two stories in this book, which by the way you can get as an e-book or (drum roll please) paperback!

Do you enjoy stories feature pooping, bathing, the Minions, the Trophy, farting and more pooping?  Of course you do, otherwise you wouldn't be following my blog!  But wait!  If you act now, not only will you get my two stories published in a fantastically funny ass book but I will throw in many other humorous authors for FREE!  It doesn't matter if you use an e-reader or are a fan of the good ol' fashioned paperback, this book is for you!  Go to Amazon (you know, the site I broke) and download the book or go to CreateSpace and purchase the paperback version.

Now here comes the best part.  A portion of the proceeds from the sale of Parenting Gag Reel go to Autism Speaks a great charity that helps families that deal with autism everyday.  So not only do you get a great humor book filled with funny fuck authors but you can sleep like a baby at night knowing you helped out Autism Speaks, it's a win/win situation.

To celebrate me becoming a published author, I am going to be giving away  five copies of the e-book version next month on my blog once this God forsaken A to Z Challenge is done.

But! Fear not!  Beside the giveaway of the e-books I have decided to (almost) double up the booty.  To celebrate the illustrious conversion from blogger to author...no, not really illustrious but exciting nonetheless, I will giveaway three paperback books to three of my readers, this will be a Facebook giveaway though, my Facebook page is suffering and has taken a backseat to my Twitter account.

You see, I have been itching to autograph a paper copy of the book, you know to feel like a rock star, so I will personally sign three copies of the paperback and give them away to three (hopefully) lucky fans.  So if you want in, make sure you "Like" me on Facebook by clicking the really cool Facebook button on the right hand side of my blog and "Like" me.  The first contest will be announced on Saturday evening on my Facebook page.

This is kind of exciting...makes me feel almost famous.

P.S.  If you buy the book, make sure you leave a review, more good reviews lead to more sales, more sales lead to more donations to Autism Speaks.

A To Z Challenge: Store Brands

Like many people out there times are tight for us in the domicile, not to mention the Minions are eating us out of house and home.  #1 can devour two hamburgers, #2 gulps down three hot dogs and #3 is fast on his way to catching up with them.  Besides trying our hand at a garden this year and short of raising our own cows and chickens, we routinely purchase the store brands of the major brand items.  I'm sure lost of people do that, especially with growing children and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Now there are some items you cannot skimp on and purchase the store brands:

• Toilet paper - Why risk it?  Besides who really uses one square?
• Kleenex - Who wants to have a hand full of snot?
• Beer - Goes without saying.

But for the most part store brands are just as good and cost less than major brand items.  While shopping this past week, I began to notice things about store brands.  The stores are sneaky, yet right up front with you about their product.

First you need to hunt to find the boxes.  If you are too quick about grabbing something off the shelf you could end up grabbing the more expensive item and who wants that?  The store brands are usually colored the same so to the untrained eye, they could be easy to miss.  It makes you stop and wonder though, you would think the stores would want you to buy their product over the major brand because they would make more profit off of it...or do they?  Maybe the conglomerate companies pay the stores to push their product?  Hmmmm, I smell a conspiracy theory here.

The second thing I noticed is that while they hide on the shelves, the packaging hides nothing.  You might as well package them in transparent boxes.  Take chicken noodle soup for example, Campbell's calls it chicken noodle soup, where some stores label them something like "lotsa' noodles".  Both are probably the same where you get 2, maybe 3 chunks of chicken in there.

Then you have something like soda, these guys are leaning right on the copyright infringement line.  We drink soda and purchase the store brands, besides diet cola, you get something like Dr. Perky..obviously a spin off of Dr. Pepper.  Then there is Mountain Dew's redheaded step child, Mountain Lightning.  You guys are teetering on that line aren't you?

We eat a lot of cereal in the domicile and yet again have resorted to the store brands.  The names are like the sodas, instead of Fruit Loops you have Fruit Rings, Toasty O's instead of Cheerios and my favorite, Koo-Kies instead of Cookie Crisp.  They all taste the same as far as I'm concerned but why put them in bags?  Sure you get more for your dollar but it's a pain in the ass storing these things on the pantry shelf.

Take a look next time you are grocery shopping, they hide but yet hide nothing.

A To Z Challenge: Release The Meese!

The baddest bad ass droid around.

Ah Saturday, the glorious day of...never mind I work Saturdays, but today is the Letter R and I could have done an entire post about my favorite droid R2-D2 and how he is the unsung hero of the entire Star Wars Saga and if he wasn't around even the Jedi would have been fucked, well more fucked then they were in Episode III but I have a different tale to tell.

The first part of this story is how the term Release the Meese was coined and is mainly for my new Den Leaders who have never heard or perhaps never wanted to hear the story.  More than likely you've never heard the phrase Release the Meese before and that is because it was only coined three years ago.  We were camping in June with the Cub Scout Pack and were setting up camp.  Now most of the Leaders are, how should we say, gassy and you guessed it, I am the gassiest.  Like I said, we were setting up camp and it was next to a lake.  I laid down on the bench for a minute and I farted.  Not just any fart, I farted so loud it echoed across the lake.  Naturally being guys, the Leaders setting up were all laughing and Beavis and Butt Heading about it.

Then a couple of the Scouts came over and asked what that noise was.  One of the Leaders in his quick thinking said it was a moose.  That began the conversation on what the plural of moose is and the Scouts were determined it was meese.  Thus began the inside Pack joke of Release the Meese, we even had t-shirts made up.

It's been three years since we coined that phrase and it's still going strong.  We've had Leaders come and go but Release the Meese has survived.  Heck it even trickles down into our home lives as well, at least mine...

We all know how the Minions have super powers, but they all share the same power (Minion #3 more so than #1 and #2) with farting, yes they take after me...so the Trophy says.  Let me paint a picture, especially for the newcomers to my blog.

Minion #1 is the oldest of the three.  He isn't quite as brash as his siblings but he does show male tendencies.  Just last night we were getting him ready for bed and silliness ensued, he thought it would be funny to try to rip my arm out of it's socket so I did what any Dad would do, I farted on him and he did what any red blooded American boy would do, he tried to fart on me.  However he neglected to notice the Trophy laying next to him.  As I moved he released the meese on her.  She was oh so impressed too.

Then we have Minion #2, he is all boy.  I have been on vacation most of this week and one night we decided to have a nice campfire in the backyard.  The Trophy and I were sitting by the fire relaxing when #2 came sidling up to us and asked a specific question... "Can I fart on the fire?".  OK, I know I probably have mentioned to them before that farts are gas and I'm sure I told them stories of how we used to try to light them on fire, so I will take the blame for this one.  However in unison both myself and the Trophy told him no. 

That didn't deter him though, sure he went away but came back a few minutes later and aimed his ass at the fire and released the meese.  Needless to say he was disapointed that he didn't blast off like some sort of rocket but the fact that he tried made me proud.

Finally there's Minion #3, as many of you know his gas can wipe out an entire village.  We probably should register his butt as a dangerous weapon at some point.  This story takes place a few months ago, we were sitting in the living room watching some rare TV when #3 waddles in and BOOM, his trademark is released.  At this point the two year old had enough knowledge and forethought to blame the dog...yes my two year old blamed his fart on the dog.  I had to wipe a tear away from my eye.

A To Z Challenge: Quiet Time

As I am writing this post, the internet is excruciatingly slow right now and I can only assume it is due to the coverage in Boston.  It was nice to have my friend from England check in on us and I appreciate the concern from my readers but honestly I am far enough away from Watertown to be safe, if you could divert your prayers and thoughts from me and towards the police officers and citizens in Boston, they could use them more right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah I know I'm late again on this post but it's still before midnight so I'm covered.  I am writing this during what is every parent's best time of day...quiet time.  Every parent out there knows exactly what I'm talking about, it doesn't matter if you're a singular child parent or one of the fucked up Duggers, it's a magical time of day when the Minions go to bed.

For us it's usually 7-8 PM on a school night and 8-9 PM on vacation.  The moment we put the Minions to bed and sit down time stands still for a moment.  Right now, for example I am listening to the peepers outside with the screen door open while the Trophy is sitting on the couch with the dog next to her.  After a day of screaming, fighting, obnoxious Minions there is no better time of day.

Sometimes we come down stairs after tucking the fart nuggets in and we stop for a minute and just listen.  We listen to the silence, nothing but silence.  Screw music, forget the birds chirping, silence is in fact golden.

Another perfect example of this is when I go to the bathroom, besides my normal morning routine, I tend loiter a little longer than I really should.  It's like my fortress of solitude where I spend about fifteen minutes at a whack there, five minutes clearing the bowels and then ten minutes just sitting there, enjoying the alone time.

So, parents reading this, enjoy your quiet time because we all know it ain't going to last long.

**On a side note, I was only able to insert one picture so my post lacks a little something...I blame the asshole who got caught tonight in Boston.

A To Z Challenge: Parenting Gag Reel Hilarious - Writes And Wrongs: Take 26

Today is the letter P and what better chance to promote the book I am in than now?  What's that?  You didn't know I was featured in a book with two of my stories?  I am a published author in Parenting Gag Reel - Hilarious Writes and Wrongs:  Take 26 because they love my Dad's point of view on raising the Minions.  It is available from the Life Well Blogged series and can be found on Amazon for download or you can purchase the old fashioned paperback as well.  Just so no one misses where you can buy both of these here is the link in super huge letters:

Parenting Gag Reel - Hilarious Writes and Wrongs:  Take 26

When you purchase the book, some of the proceeds go to Autism Speaks, which helps out kids and families who are dealing with Autism, it's a great charity!

I know I'm not the first to get published in a book like this but it's the first time for me so I feel really honored to be in this book.  In a round about sort of way it's change a part of my life.  First, the minions think it's cool that I am an author, well except #3 he just farts.  I also broke Amazon....

Yup, I broke Amazon.com.  I was invited to create an author page...you know when I get around to writing more books...don't laugh, I did create an author page and you can see it HERE.  Anyway, back to the story, I was setting up the author page and when I went to choose the book I was in I accidentally linked myself to another author and I changed genders.  It was odd and I wouldn't suggest it.  Anyway long story short, I wound up on the phone with Amazon talking to two different technical support people to get the problem fixed, which after a couple of hours, it was rectified.

So check it out, I have been given the chance to give away five digital copies of the book on my blog and once the A to Z Challenge is complete I will announce the full details of the giveaway and I probably will do some sort of gimmicky contest, we'll see...

But in the meantime if you want to go and purchase feel free to do so and if you purchase a paperback book, I'm not above signing it with a personal greeting...you know like a celebrity of sorts.

A To Z Challenge: Olympics In Boston?

My second favorite slave girl.

Today is the letter O, again I was this close to reposting my O post from last year but the Trophy said no, no fucking no so I am stuck writing new material....did I mention I'm taking all of May off from writing?  No not really but it sounds like a good idea.

Anyway, I did a post about the Olympics a while ago you should go and read it, go on, I'll wait.  The other day I was listening to the radio morning show that I listen to every morning on my way to work and they mentioned that Boston threw their hat into the ring for hosting the Winter Olympics in 2026.  Sounds cool right?  Wrong!

You see there are several issues that come to mind when I think about having the Winter Olympics in Boston and not the obvious reason from yesterday.  First, Massachusetts is small, you can travel end to end in about four hours and Boston is relatively small for a city too, compared to other capital cities.  This means that the sports would have to be spread out throughout the state and beyond.  I mean you can hold hockey at the Garden but what about the biathlon?  You'd have to find some state park out in Western Mass but you'd have to eliminate the shooting aspect of it if it's held on Sunday or a holiday.  The space needed for the Olympics is massive and well Boston isn't.

The next issue you would run into is it's New England, we can't guarantee snow during the winter months.  Yes, we usually have snow but the past few years it has been scarce to say the least.  You wouldn't exactly be able to hold down hill skiing if it's 60 degrees out.  They are rolling the dice for a let down on that one.

Looks fun huh?

Of course there is the blatant elephant in the room...the traffic.  The traffic getting into Boston is a nightmare every day and starts about an hour away from the city.  I couldn't even imagine having to be stuck behind a bus full of athletes traveling from Olympic Village to Fenway.  Speaking of the Olympic Village....

What township are you going to level in order to construct the Village?  Will it be down on the Cape, wipe out Chatham or maybe Brookline?  If we had to vote for a location, wipe out Concord, they're bunch of dill munchers anyway.  Then the Olympic Stadium...where the hell are you going to put that thing?  You can't tear down Fenway, the Garden was just built and Gilette is monstrosity on it's own.

Can you imagine?

Anyway, basically bringing the Olympics to Boston would piss everyone off and they're already pissed off to begin with.

A to Z Challenge: Nowhere Near Me

I think Chewbacca is way cuter.

If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know two things.  First the A to Z Challenge is a pain in my ass and second we really don't watch a ton of TV here in the domicile.  The TV we do watch is usually after the Minions go to bed and then we fall asleep, in fact we were just talking about how the Minions don't allow us to watch movies even when they are asleep because they have made us so tired.

Today's letter is the letter N, as in Nowhere Near Me as in the commercials they show for restaurants are nowhere to be found.  I live in North Central Mass and the restaurant selections are scarce out here needless to say, at least the commercial restaurants, we have a ton of mom and pop diners which I would highly recommend frequenting instead of a chain place, but there are times when they are closed or you want that big greasy dripping with cheese and BBQ sauce burger that you saw on TV...and there in lies the problem...

Some of the commercials for the restaurants you see on TV are no where to be found out here.  I know they can alter the commercials to fit the different geographic locations, we see it all the time.  When we visit the OTHER family down in NY we don't see commercials for Legal Seafood or other Boston based restaurants, we see their local dining fair and don't tell me that it's because they are major cable networks or paid cable networks, I call bull shit on that.  I've seen local car dealer commercials on the History Channel and Food Network.  What's the issue you may ask?  It's simple, when I see an amazing commercial for some incredible burger, I want to try that fucking burger.

Recently Hardee's and Carl Jr.'s have been showing ads up here depicting this enormous Jim Beam Bourbon burger especially Carl Jr.'s ad with Kate Upton..holy fuck nuggets, not only do I want the burger but why don't you just have Kate humping it at the same time?  Problem:  The closest Hardee's is 272 miles away in Myerstown, PA and the closest Carl Jr.'s is...ready for this?...in Shreveport, LOUISANA...fucking LOUISANA!

Yes please on both!

Fuck you Carl's Jr., fuck you.

Red Lobster is another shithead of a restaurant.  Granted it's a lot closer that Hardee's at 76.2 miles in Wethersfield CT, but holy crap on a cracker Batman, I don't want lobster that bad.  Well maybe when they do their all you can eat crab fest, that way I can tell everyone I got crabs.  The only way I would drive that far and not be on a road trip is if they did this...

Who doesn't love pizza?  Even vegetarians love pizza!  Who wouldn't love an all you can eat pizza bar?  CiCi's has such a thing and it's like five bucks...what the fajita?  I can eat all the pizza I want for FIVE BUCKS?  Where do I sign up?  Oh wait...the closest one is Albany NY?  Then why are you tempting me with your delicious pizza?  I hope you choke on a banana pepper you assclowns.

Now there are several other restaurants that are closer and in driving distance but I still don't want to drive more than hour just to go out the dinner.  Come on people get with the program, enlist Kate Upton or at least her cleavage to draw me to your establishment.

A To Z Challenge: Marathon Monday

The other female in Star Wars...

 Well this is a terrible turn of events, I originally was going to do my post about Marathon Monday and how I can't grasp the concept of running, my sister in law has been trying to convince the Trophy to take up running.  Each time we both look at each other and quote Back to the Future III..."...run...for fun?"  Makes no sense to us.  Anyway, my post is still about Marathon Monday but I am changing it drastically after the events that have happened today, with that said I leave you with the following picture, I'm going to spend time with my family.

I know it doesn't help the victims or bring back the dead...

A To Z Challenge: Lesbians, Yummy

OK, so I could have chosen Luke or even posted a golden bikini picture of Leia but I chose Lando for my Star Wars character that begins with the letter L, why?  Because he was the token black dude before Windu.

But that's not what I'm writing about today, I'm writing about lesbians.  Yup, lesbians.  You see I grew up near Northampton Massachusetts and hung out there my entire teenage life.  What?  You don't know what's so special about Northampton?  Two words...Smith College.  You're still stumped?  It was named the lesbian capital of America by the National Enquirer in 2005.  Nothing?  OK, it's filled to the brim with lesbians, Smith College is an all girl college, trust me I've been to many a party there when I was younger.

No lie, this is Smith College

Anyway, sorry for that little outburst, what I was saying was that I grew up around lesbians so it doesn't bother me as it would some other people, plus that whole Fag Stag thing that I wrote about in the past, you can read that HERE.  What I'm getting at in a round about sort of way is...I dated almost dated three lesbians and I really pissed off one.

No I didn't date them at the same time and I didn't even know they were lesbians either, especially the one I pissed off.  I know now because of Facebook and other sources but I didn't back then.  Now before I go any further if you are one of them reading this, I mean no disrespect, but I don't think they read my blog anyway.  My blog doesn't exactly attract most of the LGBT community.

The first girl was in high school.  I should have figured it out but I didn't.  I wouldn't say we dated, more like hung out a couple of times.  I was pressured into asking her to the junior semi-formal by just about every other kid in school, so I did.  We had a good time but that was it, over and done with.  Speaking of gay, I took Bubba to the senior prom, but that's a story for another blog and no, Bubba isn't gay.

The second was a cousin of a friend of mine and I can't say 100% that she is a lesbian today but all the signs are there.  Anyway, we dated for a few months in college and we were friends before that.  It just didn't work out I guess.  I should have figured that one out too because of the one night I tried putting the moves on and I encountered a big old stop sign in her pants.

Last but not least was the sister of one of my friends (see a trend here?).  We never even made it to the first date.  I hit on her constantly as she worked at Subway and she said she would go out with me but that was it, no show, no call, no note.

Where was this back then?

Then there was the lesbian I pissed off...a lot.  We threw my best friend a birthday party when he was seventeen and a bunch of friends came over, we all knew each other to some extent but nothing could have prepared me for what happened that night.  In my typical act first, think later fashion I picked up a birthday card for my friend and gave it to him.  Another friend of mine signed it too because he was too cheap to get his own card.  The card pissed off the lesbian.

Now it wasn't what was on the front of the card and it wasn't even what was printed in the card, looking back I guess it was what I drew in the card.  Does anyone remember Kevin Smith's movie Chasing Amy?  Well in the movie one of the characters tries to explain to another why lesbians will not go out with dudes so he tells a little story....

There's a four way intersection with a $100 bill in the middle of it.  At one stop sign there is Santa Claus, at the next the Easter Bunny, the stop sign after that has a man loving lesbian and the final one has the man hating dyke.  Which one gets to the $100 bill first?  The man hating dyke because the other three are fucking figments of your imagination.

Yeah that was me being classy, I took the time to draw the intersection, the $100 dollar bill and all four of the characters.  The card was passed around because people thought it was funny right up to, yup you guessed it the lesbian.  Have you ever wanted to be able to hit rewind on life's remote control and get a do-over?

Look, the drawing.

So I guess there are two ways to look at this, the first is I shouldn't care what people think and the second is I was man enough to be the last man the others wanted...or something like that.

Got it now!

A To Z Challenge: Killing Time

There's always a Star Wars character.

I was able to get ahead of the game a little bit today and I unveil the letter K.  It seems like all my good stuff was used up last year for the challenge but alas, I must move on and for the sake of channeling my Dad I'm going to talk about the past.

 

When I was growing up in the small town of Goshen, we had a lot of time to kill.  If the Minions grew up when and where I did they would be beside themselves.

The Minions complain about driving twenty minutes to go to the mall.  We had to drive a minimum of forty minutes to go to the grocery store, fifteen minutes to fill up on gas and an hour to get to the mall.  I had to kill a lot of time cooped up in the back of the Chevy Cavalier wagon.  I didn't bring my GameBoy because I got car sick, so I used my imagination.  I would stare out the window and pretend I was riding a four wheeler or pretend I was the gunner in the back of a Snow Speeder shooting the Snow Troopers.  The Minions would be outside their minds having to do that now.  Let's face it, they want to bring their Nintendo DS with them when we drive to the center of town.

My closest kid neighbor was a mile down the road and I was an only child.  I spent a lot of time by myself...killing time.  One can only beat Zelda and Super Mario Bros. so many times before they get bored. 

I went outside and built my own ninja weapons (yes, I grew up with the real Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, not the abortion that they have now).  I used my Dad's tools and cut a broom handle I found, attached a chain to both ends and wa-la, nunchucks!  I was Michelangelo kicking the Foot Clan's ass. 

When I did have friends over we improvised, we would choose five characters from whatever we were playing (Transformers, G.I. Joe, TMNT) that we could magically change into so that it was fair.  We would fight imaginary enemies, not there, figments of our imaginations, nowadays the Minions need something physical to be able to play like that and that usually ends up being each other.

Kids these days really honestly don't know how good they have it, they think that killing time for five minutes is a pain in the ass they should have tried killing time for five hours while you waited for your parents to finish their chores around the house.

Man this A to Z Challenge is really kicking my ass this year, but the good news is I have next week off and I should be able to catch up...I hope....

A To Z Challenge: Jimmy Buffet

What did the big Jawa say to the little Jawa?  Utini.

Today is brought to you by the letter J. The problem I am running into with this A to Z Challenge is that all my best stuff was used last year.  I guess next year I will have to pick a theme.  Anyway...

Just so we're clear here, I'm not stealing from Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom with her A to Z trip down musical stars, I just don't have shit to write about that begins with the letter J.  Then it hit me when I was listening to Pandora on the way home....Jimmy Buffet.

I know Jimmy isn't for everyone and those people are communists.  I could be in the worst of moods and Fruitcakes comes on and well...listen for yourself and tell me it's not contagious.

 
Preach it Jimmy, preach it!  His philosophy is superior than any religion or cult around.  It makes so much sense, he is like Timon and Pumbaa, Hakuna Matata.  Lots of time I listen to the beat of a song and know the words, but with Jimmy's songs you have to listen to the words.

Sure you have the typical Buffet songs like A Love Song (or more commonly known as Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw), Margaritaville and Cheeseburger In Paradise and they are all great songs but there are the ones you hear coming out of your earbuds while sitting on the beach and think, holy crap on a cracker, that's an awesome song...

And then there is this little diddy...

 

Listen to this song...

 

I've subjected you to Parrothead music long enough.  As I said at the beginning of this post, Jimmy Buffet's music isn't for everyone but hey give it a shot.

 

A To Z Challenge: Idiots

One badass bounty hunter.

What better topic to write about for the letter I than idiots.  The problem is these idiots are my own flesh and blood, these idiots are the Minions.

Minions #1 and #2 are in school and #3 stays home with the Trophy.  We went to the parent teacher conferences a little while back and both teachers told us what smart kids they were, they both apologized for us having to go there to waste our time because they wasn't anything to go over and both teachers told us they are far advanced academically.  #1's teacher actually used the word genius.  #1 is in third grade but in sixth grade reading and math level and #2 is in kindergarten but is reading Harry Potter chapter books and is in a group that reads to second graders.  Minion #3 is far advanced as well for his age at home with the Trophy.

The problem is I don't see it.

Lately #3 is turning into Beaker from the Muppets.  He has clear sentences and words but he gets too excited and starts talking WAY too fast.  When we ask him to slow down so we can understand him, he goes to the extreme and puts his hands in his mouth and mumbles.  On top of that he lacks common sense, granted he is only three but he should have enough common sense to NOT walk into a wall.  But put a book in front of him and he will tell you the story, he won't read it yet but he can tell you the story of the book.


#1 is nine going on nineteen, which means he is having growing pains.  This is the same kid who the teachers call a genius..again I don't see it.  Out of the three he probably has the least amount of idiot in him, however it's still there.  During dinner, we will look him straight in the eye and tell him after he is done eating to clean up the Legos he had out.  Once he is done eating he will get up, clear his place, put the dishes in the sink, throw his trash away and then get in the shower.  Legos and shower rhyme right?  When we ask him why he didn't pick up the Legos, he tells us he thought we said shower.  He's an idiot or maybe it's the earwax taking over.

Then there is #2.  #2 has turned into an Alzheimer patient...and don't groan on that, it's the only thing I can compare him to.  Everything he does he forgets the last step, it's the weirdest thing.  He cleans the litter box and does everything fine, right up to putting the top back on.  He will go into his room to get something and he forgets to turn the light off.  He will get dressed right up to putting a shirt on.  He pours himself a bowl of cereal and forgets the milk.  You get the picture.  The latest thing he has done was to try to sneak candy from Easter, needless to say he got caught not because we were smart enough to catch him but he was leaving candy wrappers in his hiding places, which were usually the bathrooms.  When we caught him we had it out with him but guess what?  He's an idiot like his brothers and he did it again, this time from #1's basket.

This goes back to the whole Bill Cosby routine...my kids have brain damage, they're loaded with it.