...is what you want to say.
If you're not a parent then this is one of those posts that will stop you from having kids, kind of like my going out to dinner post. If you are a parent and most of you are who read this you can probably relate.
"Hi honey, how was your day?"
"Not bad, I was able to,,,"
"Mom! Look what I can do!"
"What was that dear, you were able to...?"
"I was saying, I was able..."
"Dad! Did you know you can pull spaghetti out of your nose?"
"As I was saying..."
"Mom! #2 just peed on the flowers again!"
"Fuck it, I'll tell you in 16 years how my day was."
Kids...they have no concept of conversation. They either interrupt you with some babble about something you really don't give a shit about like the rare Pokemon card that he has called Flickaturd or whatever the fuck it is or they develop a version of tourettes.
It doesn't matter the age either, 1-13 it's all the same, kids are attention whores. You and the Trophy could be sitting on the couch for 2 hours reading a book or Fakebooking, not saying a word to each other and the Minions are all in their rooms playing or whatever they do behind closed doors and it happens:
"Oh, you'll never guess who I ran into today."
"Mom, Dad! I can't get this Lego to fit!"
What the fuck! It's uncanny. First of all, whoever bought them Mega Blocks AND Legos for their birthday needs to get a brick firmly implanted in their rectum because those DO NOT work together and second of all, how do they know when we start talking? Damn them and their Vulcan hearing.
Then you have the non-interrupting scenario or Non-interruptus-maximus as I call it. You're driving to the store with one of them (because that's how I roll, divide and conquer) and they are going on and on and on and on about something you have no clue about.
"Dad, did you see my Squinkies?"
"Huh, what the fuck is a Squinkie?", is what you're thinking but can't say it so you play into it.
"Oh yeah buddy, they are cool!", thinking that will end the conversation...wrong.
"Yeah I have bunch of them, maybe even a gazillion! They are really small so Mom says not to stick them up my nose or in my ears because they will get stuck and we can't afford another $300 bill from the hospital like last time I put the Mega Block in my ear, remember that Dad? I have Iron Man, Spider Man, Kick-A-Jew, Lightning McQueen, Superman, Bakugan, Mighty Mouse, ummm, oh yeah and I have this case I keep them in so I don't loose them because Mom says...."
They just keep droning on until it eventually becomes a consistent buzzing of a fly or that humming you hear driving down the road with the radio off,
When the Trophy and I talk to other people, especially people without kids, some how the conversation always turns to bedtime for the Minions. When we tell them that's our favorite time of day, they look at us like we just clubbed a baby seal over the head.
"What? Don't you cherish your time with your children?"
Hmmmm, let me think about that one...95% of the time, yes I do. The other 5% I want to drop kick them through the picture window and bedtime can't come fast enough. The we can't put the Minions to bed quick enough some nights (OK most nights) because we want what all parents crave....
There is nothing better than putting the Minions to bed and sitting on the couch and listening to...nothing. Nothing at all, no TV, no music, no phones, nothing. It's awesome.
If you'll excuse me I have to go listen to...not a damn thing.
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