Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Pillow Talk

*NOT* The original Foamie
Before I was encased in the matrimonial binds thirteen years ago, I was a single pillow kind of guy.  It was the same pillow I had for years.  It was a fantastic pillow, one that never lost it's shape and kept the support of my melonesque cranium.  The problem was it was a foam pillow so it couldn't be washed easily.  When The Trophy placed the ring on my finger, that shit changed.

The pillow was shoved to corner of one of my parent's closets never to be seen from again and a new pillow took it's place...things haven't been the same since.  I continued to be a one pillow guy for a couple of years until I broke down and needed to add one more to support my Charlie Brown head.  The pillows just weren't the same as Old Foamie.

I have been on a quest for thirteen years to find the perfect pillow and the quest continues.  I feel like King Arthur in his search for the Holy Grail...the Monty Python version.  I have looked high and low, near and far with no luck.  Every pillow I have come across (and there have been many) have proved flawed in the proper support of my squash.

I have tried more than two pillows but that usually ends up being to high and my neck hurts.  I have encountered obstacles in my quest and I feel like I will never find the Holy Pillow-Grail.  The Trophy has been one of the biggest hurdles, much like the French Knight who taunts me a second time, she won't allow me to spend too much on a pillow.  There are times I just want to give up and settle for fluffing (yeah, Motherfluffer!) and flipping each and every night, spending my future years waking up with a crick in my neck, but then it happened, I caught sight of the Holy Pillow-Grail.

The Sobakawa Cloud Pillow.  There it was, tempting me on TV, with some infomercial host shouting at me to order this product, much like the troll at the bridge asking me questions so that I could pass.

"WHAT is your quest?"
"I need a new fucking pillow and the silly K-nig-it won't let me get one."
"DO you wake up with a sore neck and back?"
"Uh, yes I do."
"WHAT is the pressure that will crush a dozen eggs in a clear plastic cylinder?"
"Well, according to the commercial I'm watching, it's a ten pound dumbbell and the only thing that will stop it is the Holy Pillow-Grail."
"WHAT is your favorite color?"
"Blue...no green, yeah green."
"THE pillow doesn't come in green, it's only off-white,but I shall let you pass this one time."
"Oh..OK, thanks...I think Mr. Infomercial Troll who is in my TV."
"AND for an added bonus we will let you have the chance to get TWO Holy Pillow-Grails!  Now, begone dumbass who is still watching this infomercial."

I have crossed the bridge and now, the Holy Pillow-Grail is in my grasp.  The problem is there is a vicious beast guarding the pillow.  It's  beast with BIG pointy teeth and is blood thirsty, it's called money.  I am working on my strategy, which will work out eventually where the cost of the pillow is only ten dollars because you are getting two for $19.99...plus process and handling of course.  For now I am reevaluating my position and will reconvene with my knights.




**All Monty Python images are from Google Images and are free to download.

32 comments:

  1. PLEASE keep us posted on how the Sobakawa works out! Mr. Clever is on a pillow quest, too. It's pretty severe...

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    1. I'm hoping this 13 year quest will end soon.

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  2. Oh my god, that was hilarious.
    It's a sad thing that when we're younger, all we want to do is party and have a good time...And then we get older and a comfy pillow and matching saucepans (for me at least) become a priority.

    God I feel old! :)

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    1. Matching saucepans? That's like saying you need a matching toilet and bathtub, you cook in the pans and shit in the toilet.

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  3. This was funny! I need a better pillow too. Let me know how it works out. Hope it gets you through the knight. Nyuck nyuck

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  4. Ha! My husband always complains when I switch his pillow on him...

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    1. I don't want to keep switching pillows, there should be a place like a mattress store where you can try out the pillows first.

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    2. You know what I do? It's embarrassing, but since when have I ever let embarrassment stop me? I go to Bed Bath & Beyond and I put my chosen pillow on top of one of those bins full of pillow and I lean my head on it. You know...to try it out. I get a lot of strange looks. But then, I always do. And I get a good pillow. Just got a great pillow today for side sleepers. Wamsutta. A little pricey, but worth it if I can wake up without headaches.

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  5. Haha!
    Love the way you write!

    Yes, let us know how the pillow works out! I'm curious now.

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    1. Thanks! I appreciate someone who appreciates my humor.

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  6. oh my goodness - don't let that pillow slip out of your sights. I have faith that you will conquer that beast and after 13 squishy, mushy years you will triumph. i wish you good slumber with your spoils.

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    1. The pillow website is in my favorites and I check it daily, to remind myself of the overall goal.

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  7. I hate buying new pillows. Or at least I hate trying to break in new pillows. It takes forever to get that neck propping groove worn in exactly right.

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    1. That's where this pillow is the Holy Grail!

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  8. Good luck! I hope it works out for you. A good pillow makes all the difference.

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    1. Thanks and after thirteen years I know that all too well.

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  9. Oh, I want one, too!

    Would it work to buy her something twice as expensive? As in you mean twice as much to me as a good night's sleep? Good luck!

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    1. It's not the Trophy who is opposd to it, it's my paycheck.

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  10. The quest for pillows. I know it well, fellow knight. I've tried a pillow like that, but it was too noisy for me. Le sigh. I hope your quest is successful.

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    1. The little beads rub together every time you move your head, and they're basically right in your ear canal. Ever tried a pillow made of seeds (or hemp, or something, I forget what exactly) Super loud. This one might be different.

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  11. I have no suggestions for you. I really don't think I have ever found a great pillow. But of course, I've never paid for anything but the cheapest ones. I think you ought to ante up for your Holy Grail. The nights are too sort to miss out on a good sleep. Especially for King Arthur.

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  12. That's great. I am also on a pillow quest. And I love the Python pics.

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    1. The pillow quest is not a quest to be taken lightly.

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  13. So funny! I love Monty Python. I'm picky about pillows too - usually they are too firm for me, I need squishy!

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    1. I need something firm enough to support the watermelon head of mine.

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  14. LOL! Awesome. Any time a post has a "Holy Grail" Monty Python reference I'm 100% on board.

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  15. I too, am in search of this treasure. And I also have been thwarted by the almighty buck. We must unite our forces and become one until the pillow is in our grasp!

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  16. I love your unique, creative language ... "melonesque cranium" may be a phrase I have never before heard. You're quite funny!

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  17. I have found it! The Holy Pillow Grail! We should talk. Or else I'll be forced to say.....NEH!

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