Saturday, May 26, 2012

My Children Are Loaded With It....

Yes I just stole a line from the great Bill Cosby:  Himself.  If you have never watched that particular stand up routine...what the hell?  Get with the program and pick it up on DVD for Christ's sake!

There seems to be some sort of phenomenon the past couple of months when all the planets in the Idunno galaxy have lined up and the gods on top of Mount Sonofabitch have decreed that all children will be little shits.  I know it's not just my Minions, I have spoken to several other parents and they have all said the same thing...there's something in the water and it ain't right.

I can recall the exact moment in time when the Sonofabitch gods threw down the gauntlets and bitched slapped all of the parents.  It was March 29, 2012 at 7:04 PM.  I remember the exact time because for the first time I lost my cool with my Cub Scouts.  We were playing a version of Family Feud at the Pack Meeting and each and every one of the kids, all 40 of them, were off the wall and exuding turdiness.  Each Den Leader looked at me with the "I surrender" look as I responded back with the "You leave, I'm following your asses out the door and never looking back" look.

We put a rule in place that all drink that we give the Scouts will from here on out be sugar free, chalking it up to the juice we served that night.  We were wrong.

My Minions, only one of them being in Cub Scouts, have been whisked away and replaced by some sort of Bizarro Universe version.

He now has his jet pack...
#3, who by the way I was told he is referred to as #3 not because he is our third Minion, but because of the copious amount of methane exuding from his ass, he doesn't take "number 2s" he takes "number 3s".  Anyway, #3 has developed a vocabulary, 85% of it we can understand and the remaining 15% we are absolutely clueless as to what this child wants.  He knows this, he uses this to his advantage to overthrow our ruling and he his quickly on the rise from the "grunt" to the second in command.  Let me explain....

The 15% of #3's vocabulary that we cannot comprehend is basic English, just slightly skewed enough to not understand.  He will ask for something such as a piece of toast for breakfast, we will then repeat it back to him and he nods in agreement.  The toast has been made, buttered and served when he refuses said toast and claims he asked for cereal.  Now you may be thinking that toast and cereal sound nothing alike, but somehow, Bizzaro #3 has been able to manipulate our hearing abilities and is using this power against us.

The Rule of Two, he doesn't follow.
#2 has gone rogue and has struck out on his own, not only waging war against us, but the other Minions.  Bizzaro #2 has the power of screech and shriek but still posses the gamma rays to turn into the Hulk when mad.  He has been demanding items instead of asking for them, hoarding #3's weaponry (toys) and slowly driving #1 insane (which we will get to in a minute).  When confronted about his actions, particularly the door he kicked off the hinges to the shed, he will respond with the above "I dunno..."  Like I said, our children are loaded with it....

New Profile Picture for #1
#1....has not been switched out, he was able to defend himself against Bizarro #1, but the battle has in fact affected him....a lot.  #1 is still the leader of the Minions, however with the increasing power of #3 and #2 going solo, he is finding the struggle to be very difficult.  #3 will no longer do his bidding...without bribery, a toy from #1's personal stash or perhaps a drink of soda that he shouldn't have.  #2 has obviously waged war against #1 and #1 knows he could ultimately loose the battle, this is why he has been asking for friends to come over...all the time.  He needs reinforcements in the form of his friends.

Now my Minions have minions.
We are at the end of our ropes right now, the war has made us weary.  We know that school will be out for summer break soon and we have had this conversation:

"How was your day, tootsie pop?" (Me asking my loving, wonderful wife)

"....", as she stares at me.

"Uh-oh, where are they?"

"In their rooms right now."

"You know, we could sell them....just saying."

"No we couldn't"

"Yeah, you're right, we've put too much work into them already."

"No, we couldn't sell them because no one would want them."

"True, good point, point taken.  We would have to give them away...somehow."

"Again, no one would take them, look at them, they're defective."

"Yeah, you're right, what if we went to a friend's house and just left them there?"

"'re a dumbass, all of our friends know where we live."

"We could move...."

"Hmmmm, you might be onto something there...."

So to all of our friends out there, if you find the Minions at your house and we are nowhere to be found, do not come looking for us, accept the gifts, even if they did fall off the top shelf a few dozen times, and we will send a money order once a month to cover some of the food.

Oh, by the way I was asked to follow a new blog today, Crap That Bugs Me and so far, freaking hysterical!  I even learned a new phrase today...twat waffle!


  1. M2 has mastered the manipulative vocab to the point where we'll make him four meals before we figure out what the heck he wants.

    I like twat waffle....ooh - waffles!

  2. Yes...#3 has manipulated us into tht dilemma as well.

  3. I am starting to think my grand kiddies have climbed Mt SOB just in the last week but it's gonna be a long summer with all that attitude and my raging hormones- oh yay!

  4. Oh Kevin, just wait. I have a 16 year old that is spending the summer with my sister so I don't stab her in the face with a pitchfork, duct tape her to a large cheese grater or feed her to a bunch of snarling, salivating sowls (All ideas I've given lots of thought to, but instead decided to send her to the sister's for the summer). Oddly, this latest behavior started roughly about the same time. Maybe alien forces hit earth with mind altering gamma rays that only affect the mentally inept. I have an idea though...