There seems to be some sort of phenomenon the past couple of months when all the planets in the Idunno galaxy have lined up and the gods on top of Mount Sonofabitch have decreed that all children will be little shits. I know it's not just my Minions, I have spoken to several other parents and they have all said the same thing...there's something in the water and it ain't right.
I can recall the exact moment in time when the Sonofabitch gods threw down the gauntlets and bitched slapped all of the parents. It was March 29, 2012 at 7:04 PM. I remember the exact time because for the first time I lost my cool with my Cub Scouts. We were playing a version of Family Feud at the Pack Meeting and each and every one of the kids, all 40 of them, were off the wall and exuding turdiness. Each Den Leader looked at me with the "I surrender" look as I responded back with the "You leave, I'm following your asses out the door and never looking back" look.
We put a rule in place that all drink that we give the Scouts will from here on out be sugar free, chalking it up to the juice we served that night. We were wrong.
My Minions, only one of them being in Cub Scouts, have been whisked away and replaced by some sort of Bizarro Universe version.
|He now has his jet pack...|
The 15% of #3's vocabulary that we cannot comprehend is basic English, just slightly skewed enough to not understand. He will ask for something such as a piece of toast for breakfast, we will then repeat it back to him and he nods in agreement. The toast has been made, buttered and served when he refuses said toast and claims he asked for cereal. Now you may be thinking that toast and cereal sound nothing alike, but somehow, Bizzaro #3 has been able to manipulate our hearing abilities and is using this power against us.
|The Rule of Two, he doesn't follow.|
|New Profile Picture for #1|
|Now my Minions have minions.|
"How was your day, tootsie pop?" (Me asking my loving, wonderful wife)
"....", as she stares at me.
"Uh-oh, where are they?"
"In their rooms right now."
"You know, we could sell them....just saying."
"No we couldn't"
"Yeah, you're right, we've put too much work into them already."
"No, we couldn't sell them because no one would want them."
"True, good point, point taken. We would have to give them away...somehow."
"Again, no one would take them, look at them, they're defective."
"Yeah, you're right, what if we went to a friend's house and just left them there?"
".....you're a dumbass, all of our friends know where we live."
"We could move...."
"Hmmmm, you might be onto something there...."
So to all of our friends out there, if you find the Minions at your house and we are nowhere to be found, do not come looking for us, accept the gifts, even if they did fall off the top shelf a few dozen times, and we will send a money order once a month to cover some of the food.
Oh, by the way I was asked to follow a new blog today, Crap That Bugs Me and so far, freaking hysterical! I even learned a new phrase today...twat waffle!