Monday, March 26, 2012

That Snot Nice...

This post has been updated for my weekly submission to Dude Write.  It is because I in fact have a nasty, leaky cold.  Check out the awesome blogs over there and come back to vote!

Item 46 on my list of things I despise about getting older:  allergies.

Up until about 2 years ago I didn't have allergies of any kind.  Now each Spring I get the eyes watering, nose running, head blowing up feeling and need to dump mega $$$$ on allergy medications.  I get advice from EVERYONE about what to do about allergies.  These tidbits of advice range anywhere from getting really expensive prescription meds to getting hammered to eating a whole jar of local honey.  I haven't tried everything yet but I have found nothing really works for me...yet.

This kid's got game...
Although the the other night, I was over a friend's house having a few beers and sitting by the fire, and his wife said I should try this nasal spray she had....thanks Kim, it did work but holy shit , I think I now have a bald spot from the spray working it's way up through my nasal passages, into my brain and through my skull and scalp.  This shit is like pepper spray mixed with napalm.  It was like shooting acid up my nose with a Super Soaker.

The directions I was given was to blast two sprays into each nostril.  With my favorite Syd Vicious handing me a tissue and laughing hysterically (in a laugh that she has that just resonates through any structure she is in) my eyes started to water profusely, the mucus disintegrated instantly and I'm pretty sure I don't have to worry about nose hair for quite sometime.  I could breath...it was fantastic.

Now...on top of the allergies, I realized I had a cold too, I still have the cold, so I have been finding myself checking medications and comparing them to make sure they can be combined.  I don't want to end up with some of those side effects you hear about on those medication commercials.  Death, diphtheria, explosive diarrhea, bleeding from the anus, worms, cotton mouth, crossed eyes, buck teeth, toenails falling off, you know what I'm talking about.

I'm not sure if it's the combination of the allergies and the cold, the cross breeding of the medications or even the nasal napalm, but I never knew how much snot can come out of one's nose.  I have gone through two full size boxes of tissue at home, four travel packs in my truck and many, many brown paper towels at various places of business.  The snot color has changed more times than a chameleon.  It started clear, then went to a dark green, then mellowed to a yellow and then to a grey, now it is a neon green.  It just keeps coming, most of the time I catch it but the other night while reading a blog (sorry Heather) snot just poured out of my nose without any warning.  I had no choice but to use the sleeves of my sweatshirt before I could get to my tissue box.  I looked like Dr. Peter Venkman after being slimed in Ghostbusters.

It's not slime, I have allergies/cold.

Today I feel better and have only blown my nose 4 times so far, I am hoping the cold/allergies/death virus is leaving my system.  And yes, I, like all married men, turn into a baby when I am sick and for that I apologize to the Trophy.

15 comments:

  1. My allergies have totally sucked this season. I am blaming the lack of winter for it. When you live in Massachusetts and your daffodils start coming up in January it is not a good thing.

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    1. That's what everyone is tell me this year, the lack of winter is the issue and the fact that theollen hasn't even kicked in yet.

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  2. Kim & Syd ViciousMarch 26, 2012 at 9:10 PM

    You are welcome to the pepper spray anytime.

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    1. See I gave you props! You are a pseudo celebrity now LOL

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  3. I am appalled, disgusted, horrified and repulsed by your overly graphic description of mucus...okay, so I laughed out loud and almost splattered the screen with my own 'green goo.'

    "Death, diphtheria, explosive diarrhea, bleeding from the anus, worms, cotton mouth, crossed eyes, buck teeth, toenails falling off..."

    Quite why I found 'buck tooth' so funny out of everything on that list, I'll never bloody well know!

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    1. Even with the graphic nature of this post I can still make people laugh. It kills me some of the side effects that those prescriptions may cause, Jeff Foxworthy does a great bit about it. He talks about having watery eyes and then lists some crazy side effects including poor tire wear. No thanks, I'll just have watery eyes...

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  4. Death is not a side effect. It's THE effect. The good news is that death suppresses all those other little nasty side effects. It's certainly preferable to explosive diarrhea and rectal bleeding.

    I also feel it's my duty to warn fellow dudes about the hazards of making sexist remarks or posting sexist images in their blogs. R. L. Brody took me to task over my submission to Dude Write this week.

    http://rlbrody.com/2012/09/20/creepy-creepers-and-the-creeps-who-excuse-them/

    Just looking out for you bud.

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    1. @joe....whoa. I just read that post, seriously? He tried to take you to the whipping post but if he was to read more of your posts he would find out you in fact are not that way.

      If he reads this one he can notice that 3 out of the 4 replies are females....just saying.

      Besides who thought Bill Murray was a sexist image?

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  5. I won't give you any advice. I will only say that if it was Afrin, it works great, but can be addicting and that part really sucks.

    WG

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  6. I don't have a clever or witty comment to leave. It snot going to happen. I have no advice either. I don't use nasal spray, the only thing that goes up my nose is my finger. I usually just try to drink it out of me. It works for the night but the next day the illness returns, accompanied by a hangover. Sick and hungover...not fun!

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  7. The same thing (or similar thing) happened to me just last night. The family was sitting around the table and then without warning my noise started to run uncontrollably. The strangest thing ever. Would. Not. Stop. Running.

    I've tried those nasal sprays a time or two, but apparently they can be highly addictive and/or cause damage if used too much.

    Hope you feel better soon!

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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  8. Those nose sprays turn people into addicts. I have a friend who now has a chronic need to keep some nose spray around at all times, and every few minutes spray some up her nose. She's worse than a junkie!

    What I'm trying to say is - it's too late for you now, welcome to addiction!

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  9. Man oh man, I have to use those nasal sprays too, and that shit BURNS.

    But, breathing is nice, so meh...

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  10. Allergies suck. I didn't have any either until after two pregnancies. That shit changes everything. haha

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  11. Wow, instead of responding to each comment individually I will blanket this one.

    Addictive? That shit was like spraying liquid fire up my nose!

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