Friday, June 22, 2012

The Swass Meter

The Swass Meter measures the gallons of sweat that runs down your crack.
I'm not sure about the rest of the country, mainly because I don't live anywhere else, I am usually concerned with the immediate New England area and no, Eastern New York doesn't count as New England.  The only time I concern myself with other parts of the country is when I am traveling there, otherwise it doesn't affect me.  Here in New England we are having some serious hot days this summer, it's almost been a heat wave ALL summer long!  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know summer just started Wednesday.

As a *ahem* fluffy guy, who wears a black uniform and works 90% outside it's slightly less than pleasurable.  The Swass Meter has been at an all time high the past couple of days, which means a couple changes of clothes throughout the day, plenty of H2O and loving the AC in my truck.  I'm sure you have heard of swass or swack as some people prefer to call it.

Swass is shortened for sweaty ass and swack is shortened for sweaty crack.  Here in my neck of the woods my friends and I have been referring to swass as swamp ass since 1994 so for this post swass will be known as swamp ass and swack will not be used.



 The definition of swass (swamp ass) is:  The nasty feeling when your butt crack is sweaty, causing your underwear and pants to stick, or an occasional itching feeling. Ussually caused by elevated tempatures or humidity while working or excessive walking.  Some people will also refer to their grundel area and scrotum as having swass, this is incorrect by definition and we will get into that in a moment.

Nut Stuff!

I am sure everyone has had a case of it, very uncomfortable and hard to remedy.  I have found the best remedy, although not perfect, is good old fashioned Gold Bond Medicated Powder.  DO NOT skimp on the Gold Bond, don't go and get the Equate, Up & Up, or CVS brand, you need the original, yellow bottled, red capped Gold Bond.  I carry that shit around with me in the summer and I am working on making a belt holster for it so I can whip it out like RoboCop.  If you want the extra special tingly feeling, you can get the extra strength Gold Bond.

Now as I was saying, some people claim they have swass in their grundel/scrotum area which in fact they should be referring to it as swalls, swamp balls or sweaty balls.  Gold Bond is the champion of defeating swalls as well.  Fair warning though, if you have swalls and put the Gold Bond on, be prepared for two things.

1.  The instant cooling, tingling and relief that comes with spraying Gold Bond on your nutsack...it feels absolutely wonderful.

2.  The mess that happens when you apply Gold Bond.  There isn't a non-messy way of applying the wonder cure.  Try to avoid dark carpets, black pants and areas where it will be seen.

The Original Swalls Killer.
Another great remedy we have found years back is the automobile air vent, this only works in a car, typically SUVs and trucks have dashboards that are too tall.  What you need to do is freeball in a pair of shorts, sit in the front seat, aim the vent towards your crotchal region and crank up the AC. THE best car I have ever found was a 1989 Mazda MX6, it had a vent that was located right below the steering column...pure genius!

All this talk about swass and swalls...and yes even swack (last time I will use it) got me thinking about different acronyms for similar problems....

Obviously feet sweat, a lot, could we call it sweet?  "Man, I have some serious sweet today, maybe I shouldn't have worn my leather flip flops."  I suppose it's better than plain old sweaty feet...

What about people who don't wear deodorant?  Besides being dirty, smelly, granola farting hippies, they could refer to their sweaty armpits as swits.  "Dude, you have swits so bad it's leaking into my iced Starbucks mocha, focha, fuckalatte."

Do women have a similar problem?  Do they suffer from swussy or if you are a more vulgar person swunt?  Can you put Gold Bond up there?  I would imagine you couldn't for fear of a yeast infection or something.  So how would a woman cure her case of swussy?  I know I have a lot of female readers, inquiring minds want to know...

Do you get swussy and how do you cure it?

Oh an by the way, this is my submission for week two of Dude Write, read the other blogger's blogs and vote for your favorite and of course mine too!



Dude Write
Round two of Dude Write, please vote for me!




46 comments:

  1. TFF I live in good ole West "By God" Virginia and the Redneck feller's in these parts measure humidity similar to this but call it Ass Meter and it is scaled between ball sack sweat and butt mud. :) Love the post!

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    1. Butt mud starts creeping into the whole seepage category..

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  2. Man I hate swamp ass! And swalls as well! Normally, you can't have one without the other! They go together like peanut butter and jelly! Quite unfortunate really, considering I have a very small wardrobe and can ill afford to change clothes often!

    I should add this to my list of "Why it sucks to be a man"
    http://www.shamefulpromotions.com/2011/10/why-it-sucks-to-be-man.html

    I couldn't help but laugh my ass off when I seen the terms "swussy" and "swunt"! But you forgot one for the women...."switty" My wife complains of this all the time!

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    1. LOL at switty! A day late and a dollar short, I originally had swrundel in there but I figured that was covered by swalls....

      I will now add switty to the list when I am talking to friends.

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  3. Swussy made me laugh when you posted it to my Love/Hate Relationship with Summer post! First thing's first - women do not sweat from "up in there." It's more of an outer area issue. A little powder on the panties takes care of that! As for swittys, it's much of the same. A dab of powder in between and underneath, and you're good to go. On a 101 degree day, however, there are no measures that you can take to prevent swass, swussy, swittys, sweet, and while I have no first hand knowledge of having swalls, Boy, 45 a/k/a husband, tells me that swalls are also unpreventable. Just be sure to shower and change before you (a) sit on any furniture, or (b) expect to get any!

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    1. Most of it is unpreventable, if you Bond up before going out you risk the chance of making cake batter...

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  4. Just be thankful that it is a temporary phenomenon in Massachusetts. I have had the misfortune to visit Texas on numerous occasions and it is always hot and humid. I did my NCS there and not having A/C for a week of 106 and constant high humidity was ridiculous. The metal toilet seats would condense the moisture off your ass cheeks and you would be sweaty when you stood up. Similarly, you could shower and dry off and be wet again before your clothes were on. I hate Texas.

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    1. Oh, and even worse, it was a dry county and we had to drive 35 minutes to get a beer at night.

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    2. Ugh...mental note to self, stay away from Texas....

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  5. Great post. I suffer from Swass a lot. I also have that lovely kind that if unattended turns into a Diaper Rash for Men, sans diaper. Very painful. I have in a pinch resorted to wadding up the TP and leaving it back there. This is a temporary solution.

    WG

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    1. Ah yes, referred to as Monkey Butt. There is a product called Anti Monkey Butt Powder to use on the rash.

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  6. I've unfortunately had to endure swamp ass on leather seats. So hot you stick inside and outside of your shorts. try to stay cool out there.

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    1. I have never or will I ever by a vehicle with leather seats for that exact reason!

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  7. OMG! Great post! I suffer from severe Swass AND Swalls... and both are actually worse if you have taken a poo within two hours of coming down with a case (has that happened to you?) You are SO right on with the Gold Bond. I buy it in bulk and I have been using it for years... yeah, it makes a mess and I put so much on in the morning that I fear I may be slowly poisoning my cats. I like the free-ball idea but I can't do that... I hang too low! Okay, that's a lie... I'm hung like a pimple, but don't tel anyone.

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    1. Your comment is still making me laugh! Yes I have had the problem of swalls and swass and pinched a loaf, I refer to that as seepage...you need to go back 20 minutes later and rewipe.

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  8. Hahaha! Had to laugh at Cheryl's 'swittys'...though not literally.
    And I'm pretty sure that if women suffered from swussy, Bodyform would have announced a product for it already.

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    1. I should patent a product to cure swussy...

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  9. I used to get swass when I lived in New York, but I moved to San Diego - problem solved.

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    1. Well SD is like 72 year round with no humidity right...other than rain, then it's 100% humidity.

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  10. I must agree with you on the beauty that is Gold Bond. However, I must note that I do buy the Wal-Mart brand (at 88 cents a bottle, it's hard not to) and it works just as well. It's an amazing feeling, I agree!

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    1. I tried the store brands, I just felt robbed of the real feeling of Gold Bond.

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  11. Lol, hilarious post! This is only the beginning of my reading - but I wouldn't be surprised if we had a winner here. Reading this was extremely enlightening because I didn't know that you guys suffered so heavily from the S word ;-)

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    1. And you guys thought women have weird issues LOL. Thanks!

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  12. I think I need to go grab some powder just from reading this. Thanks for the info.

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  13. HAha! Kevin, you have just created a whole new urban dictionary category. Nice work!

    My father always had a saying for everything, including conditions of swalls, swass and the like that I'd like to share:

    "I'm sweatin' like a whore in church."

    "I'm wetter than a whore in a pickle patch."

    "My ass is slicker than a wet whore on a bar stool."

    Apparently we was well versed in the hygiene of whores.

    Enjoyed it!

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. Man, your dad sure knew a lot about whores. Can you get him to give me a call? I have a little problem I need some advice on.

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    3. Thanks, I'm still waiting on the paycheck from them so I can release the copywrite...

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  14. Thanks for introducing a whole range of new acronyms to my vocabulary today! I do get sweet every once in a while, so now I have a new way of informing people around me about the problem. Good luck fighting swass!

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    1. I take great pride in educating the world about new things!

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  15. All I can say is... "You had me at swunt."

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  16. Oh man, as a poker dealer who sits in leather chairs all day, this is something that affects many people. Fortunately, it doesn't affect me too bad. The real problem is when it affects the dealer who was sitting in my chair before me, as we change tables every 30 minutes. Getting the remnants of their swamp ass is never welcome.

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    1. Ewwww, second hand Swass...gross!

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  17. Ok let me start by saying that Swits is NOT sweaty pits. However seeing that you are a man you may not know the real meaning of Swits. But seeing that you don't have two gigantic pieces of flesh with nipples attached to the end (oh wait you said you were fluffy so maybe you do) but Swits here in good ole Massachusetts means SWEATY TITS!!!! There is nothing worse than the puddle that forms between the girls or the line of sweat left on the bottom of your bra. Gross.

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    1. I now realize my folly. I do have moobs being a fluffy guy, so yes I can kind of relate...

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  18. I'm laughing my swass off! There is nothing to compare to the sweet, tingly sensation of THE BOND!! It's like a York Peppermint Paddy wedged between your butt cheeks. Cool and refreshing like a mountain stream with a sprig of friggin' mint. Excellent post!

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    1. That should be Gold Bond's new catch line...

      Gold Bond, it's like a peppermint patty wedged in your ass. Feels like being colon cleansed by a mountain stream!

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  19. I can't believe I didn't comment on this post before! Ken had pointed me towards it when he used the words swalls and I had no idea what he was talking about. This is so funny. Although, of course, being a girl, I have no sweaty anythings! Or at least none that I'll admit to.

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  20. There is something kind of eerie and extra disturbing about reading this in February... "I don't like Mondays-hopping" Jane @nothingbtbook

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  21. Found you through Mod Mom's hop. Didn't realize I was coming here for a Vocabulary lesson, but I now consider myself well informed. Thanks for the laughs!

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  22. YES! I am stoked that you have chosen to link the classic "Swass O Meter" post on the hop today! Gold Bond Star for you.

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  23. You had a problem with the heat in New England last June?? Sounds like *you* had a case of swussy. Travel just a bit south some summer and then enjoy the crisp, cool, NO HUMIDITY, New England summers. :-)

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  24. I watched a doc called Mansome, and a guy has invented a product called "dry balls" I think. Sure to keep your undercarriage cool and dry. The testers (testees? testes?) liked the fact that they had no batwings either. Oh what you learn from documentaries and blogs :)

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