Saturday, June 23, 2012

When 35 Years Old You Reach, Look As Good You Will Not...Part II

Jesus Christ Doc, you disintegrated Einstein!
So you may recall the previous post, When 35 Years Old You Reach, Look As Good You Will Not I talk about how a body breaks down after age 30, sharting and heartburn from water.  Well it doesn't get any better as the months go by.  Let me take you for a ride in Doc Brown's DeLorean again, we'll set the coordinates for 1998, fourteen years ago.

It was a Friday evening after work, I went home showered, changed and headed out to a house party at a friend's house.  By the time I arrived at the party it was 9:30 PM, still wicked early.  The music was blaring, the drinks were flowing, it was just one of those good old fashioned "red solo cup" parties, before Toby Keith made the red solo cup cool.  We played beer pong and strip poker.  The pool table was always packed and we even did some ridiculous type of karaoke.

Knowing I had to work the next day I kept checking the clock....

Not me, but this is how I was back then....

11:30 PM - "I'm only going to have two more and then I need to sober up to drive home."  (Me, at the "I am being responsible" stage of the night)

12:30 AM - "How many have I had?  Shit, let me sit on the couch for a while, I have to be at work for 8:00 AM."  (Me at the "I think I'm smart" stage)

12:33 AM - "What's that?  Who's dancing topless?  Gimme a rum and Coke, let's go check this out!" (Me at the "I'm drunk and need to see titties" stage)

12:45 AM - "Well she passed out, I really need to stop drinking, I'm going outside for a while."  (Me at the "I'm still trying to be responsible" stage)

2:00 AM - (as I am drinking still)"You know, I have to go to work tomorrow morn...oh shit, in a few hours." (Me at the "Reminder" stage)

4:00 AM - "Alright, here's the deal, I haven't had a drink in 45 minutes, I'll been fine to drive to work now and sleep in my car until it opens, yeah that's what I'll do." (Me at the "I have a plan" stage)

So I jump in my car, drive the thirty minutes to work, park the car in the back, crack the windows, recline the seat and pass out.  Flash forward three hours....

There's a loud knock, knock, knock on my window and it's my boss.  "So, uh, are you planning on joining us today for work, seeing you made it half way by showing up?"  And off to work I went, still drunk, sweating profusely, a serious case of swalls from not showering and guzzling water by the gallon.  One trip to McDonald's for a greasy hash brown, orange juice and an egg McMuffin and I was good to go for the rest of the day and that night, I did it all over again (minus the working in the morning part).

The hangover wonder cure.

OK, back in the DeLorean, time to head back, this time we'll land at last night.  The Trophy and I had a brilliant plan to take the Minions to a drive-in theater with friends of ours (our Minion's Minions) to see Brave (eh, one Pixar's hit or miss films) and the Avengers (best superhero movie EVER!).  The showing started at 8:55 PM which is about and hour or so past the Minion's bedtime in the summer, but we figured what the hell, it's summer, we need to do fun things.

The Minions after the Avengers, #1, #2 and #3 being punched by #2
The Trophy asked me if I was going to be alright with going out late because I have to work in the morning.  I looked at her with the "who are you talking to" look and preceded to remind her about my escapades from 14 years ago.  I got the "shut the hell up, you're living in the past" look from her and we were on the same page.  So off to the drive-in we went.

This should have been my survival kit last night.
 9:00 PM - "You've already devoured the chips and popcorn we brought, you can wait until the movie starts to open up the M & Ms."

9:05 PM - "How many freaking previews do they have to show?  Get the movie gong already, I don't want to be out too late."

9:10 PM - "I asked you before the movie started if you had to go to the bathroom, come on!"

9:11 PM - "No, we have snacks in the truck.  Yes we brought soda.  No we didn't bring onion rings.  Wait, they have onion rings, those do look pretty good."

9:30 PM - "What do you mean what took so long?  They have onion rings....wait where are you going?"

9:35 PM - "Thanks for the onion rings..."

10:45 PM - "Yes I'm still awake, no I don't want anymore potato chips, I feel bloated as it is."

10:50 PM - "Should we stay for the Avengers?  It's really late and I have to go to work in the morning."

10:51 PM - "OK, we'll stay for the Avengers."

11:30 PM - "...huh...waaa...did I doze off?  Are the kids asleep too?"

12:30 AM - "Oh man it's 12:30, we should leave so I can get some sleep.

1:00 AM - "You realize it's a 45 minute drive home right?  Tomorrow is going to suck."

6:00 AM - "Alright, alright, I'm up."

Both evening are pretty similar, yet completely different. When I went to work this morning I felt hung over, beat down and half dead...and I didn't have a drop of alcohol, I can only imagine what I would feel like if I did drink.  When I get home I am going to wrap up a few chores and then lie down in my hammock to take a nap, wake up for supper and go to bed early.  I'll be up at 6:30 in the morning and do the Dad thing.

14 years ago, I drank like a fish and functioned perfectly fine for the entire ten hour shift, got out work and did it all over again.  Looking back, I am surprised I stayed alive for as long as I have.  How did I do it back then?

Speaking of voting for the best Dude Write blog posts, please remember to head over to Dude Write and read the posts that have been entered and vote for your favorite three.  Make sure I'm in your favorite three please!!


  1. I didn't have the heavy drinking, but the extremely late nights and full work days afterwards, hell yeah. Even without kids, if I don't get at least 6 hours of sleep now, then I'm half-dead the next day.

  2. Ironically, last night The Hubby and I were up til three drinking Irish whiskey and playing poker with friends. Surprisingly, I was up with M1 at 7 and now I can't sleep. No hangover. After beer, a margarita, whiskey and a cake martini. Eek. Come to think of it, how did I not hurl? You still have Drive Ins! That is so cool - wish we had em.

  3. Wow, you were an animal. It's good that you've slowed down now though.

  4. Nice posting and I too found I can't function, not like I used to be able to years ago.