Happy Father's Day

Did you know that there are controls on your iPhone that can be used to stop your three year old from purchasing in-app items?

Anyway, happy Father's Day to all of the Dads out there, I hope everyone had a great time, the beer flowed cold and the grills burned hot.  It's funny the difference between Father's Day and Mother's Day, on Mother's Day, they get breakfast in bed, flowers and pampering and on Father's Day we slave cooking our own dinner on the grill...just kidding, my day was really good actually and the Trophy made an awesome homemade supper.

We ended up staying home all day because, well we couldn't afford to go anywhere but it was a fun time.  The Minions cleaned up around the house...a little and we had a nice roast pork dinner with mashed potatoes, corn and for dessert, homemade Boston Cream Pie.  I love the Trophy.

But there was one thing that that tested my Dad patience today.  I woke up and checked my email like I normally do and a midst my daily comics and Scouting emails there was an invoice from iTunes, which in itself isn't odd because we do buy songs and apps, but recently we haven't been because we are trying to save money.  Needless to say we haven't purchased anything from iTunes in over a month and normally I delete the email because I know what we purchased but this one I decided to open and good thing I did...

Minion #3 has this nasty little habit of grabbing things that are not his like toys, food...iPhones.  Well we went over a friend's house for dinner last night and #3 got a hold of the Trophy's phone and started playing Angry Birds Space.  How do I know he was playing Angry Birds Space you ask?  Because when I woke up this morning I had to spend 30 minutes on the phone with Apple...and not the Geniuses, to get $29.99 plus tax back for an in-app purchase.  What kind of idiot offers thirty dollar in-app purchases?  I guess I should be asking myself what kind of idiot doesn't have parental control on their electronic devices?  That's a simple answer...us.

Anyway, 30 minutes and a long lecture from the Apple person, we got our money back and they pulled the in-app purchase out.  Happy Father's Day from the Minions.

Oh and Happy Father's Day Dad...I miss you....

Want To See The Trophy In A Bra?

 Hopefully that got your attention...but seriously, yeah you can get a chance to see the Trophy in a bra...walking in New York City...at night...

No she's not a streetwalker...well OK technically she would be walking the streets...in her bra.  What she is doing is raising money and awareness for and about breast cancer and you all know how much I like boobies!

So here's the breakdown, the Trophy and her sister are walking a marathon...26.2 fucking miles in New York fucking City.  It's called the MoonWalk and it officially started in London and this is the first time it's going to be in the United States.  It can't be that bad, let's face it, England gave us Monty Python, Doctor Who and Madonna's fake accent.  She came to me and asked if I put it out there to my faithful (even though I haven't written anything for a while) readers in hopes that you would consider donating to this cause so here is the plea from the Trophy:

Hi Everyone!

26.2 miles. Power Walking through the streets of New York City. Overnight. In my decorated bra. All to raise money to make sure that everyone affected by breast cancer gets the care they need, no matter what.

This is no ordinary marathon. And...this is no ordinary fundraising request!

On Saturday night, July 20th - I'll be embarking on an incredible overnight Walk... and yes - I'll be doing it in my bra!

The MoonWalk NYC is an inspiring event that will be debuting for the first time in America after fifteen successful years in London. Since it began, the MoonWalk has helped to contribute over $123 Million toward vital breast cancer related programs abroad. Together with thousands of other men and women, I will be walking through NYC overnight to spread awareness and help raise critical funds for Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in their goal to provide access to care for all patients living with breast cancer.

Over the next few months, I'll be hitting the streets for rigorous training to prepare for the 26.2 miles Power Walk. All you have to do to join me in this journey is click the button below and donate.

Together we can make a difference. Together we can help redefine Patient Care. Together we can fight Breast Cancer.

Bra up and donate today.

 

By clicking the link below you will be directed...um directly to the Trophy's donation page.

Walk The Walk

 

All she is trying to do is raise $150.00 and she needs your help!  Are you woman enough to help?

 

 

The Swass Meter...Revisited

I have taken a month off from blogging to collect my thoughts but I'm back bitches!  It has been redonkulously hot here in New England, which is funny because it was 30 degrees last week...but anyway, I thought my first post back should be an old crowd favorite, The Swass Meter...Revisited.  The original post was done last year...so sue me.

The Swass Meter measures the gallons of sweat that runs down your crack.

I'm not sure about the rest of the country, mainly because I don't live anywhere else, I am usually concerned with the immediate New England area and no, Eastern New York doesn't count as New England.  The only time I concern myself with other parts of the country is when I am traveling there, otherwise it doesn't affect me.  Here in New England we are having some serious hot days this summer, it's almost been a heat wave ALL summer long!  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know summer just started Wednesday.

As a *ahem* fluffy guy, who wears a black uniform and works 90% outside it's slightly less than pleasurable.  The Swass Meter has been at an all time high the past couple of days, which means a couple changes of clothes throughout the day, plenty of H2O and loving the AC in my truck.  I'm sure you have heard of swass or swack as some people prefer to call it.

Swass is shortened for sweaty ass and swack is shortened for sweaty crack.  Here in my neck of the woods my friends and I have been referring to swass as swamp ass since 1994 so for this post swass will be known as swamp ass and swack will not be used.

 The definition of swass (swamp ass) is:  The nasty feeling when your butt crack is sweaty, causing your underwear and pants to stick, or an occasional itching feeling. Ussually caused by elevated tempatures or humidity while working or excessive walking.  Some people will also refer to their grundel area and scrotum as having swass, this is incorrect by definition and we will get into that in a moment.

Nut Stuff!

I am sure everyone has had a case of it, very uncomfortable and hard to remedy.  I have found the best remedy, although not perfect, is good old fashioned Gold Bond Medicated Powder.  DO NOT skimp on the Gold Bond, don't go and get the Equate, Up & Up, or CVS brand, you need the original, yellow bottled, red capped Gold Bond.  I carry that shit around with me in the summer and I am working on making a belt holster for it so I can whip it out like RoboCop.  If you want the extra special tingly feeling, you can get the extra strength Gold Bond.

Now as I was saying, some people claim they have swass in their grundel/scrotum area which in fact they should be referring to it as swalls, swamp balls or sweaty balls.  Gold Bond is the champion of defeating swalls as well.  Fair warning though, if you have swalls and put the Gold Bond on, be prepared for two things.

1.  The instant cooling, tingling and relief that comes with spraying Gold Bond on your nutsack...it feels absolutely wonderful.

2.  The mess that happens when you apply Gold Bond.  There isn't a non-messy way of applying the wonder cure.  Try to avoid dark carpets, black pants and areas where it will be seen.

The Original Swalls Killer.

Another great remedy we have found years back is the automobile air vent, this only works in a car, typically SUVs and trucks have dashboards that are too tall.  What you need to do is freeball in a pair of shorts, sit in the front seat, aim the vent towards your crotchal region and crank up the AC. THE best car I have ever found was a 1989 Mazda MX6, it had a vent that was located right below the steering column...pure genius!

All this talk about swass and swalls...and yes even swack (last time I will use it) got me thinking about different acronyms for similar problems....

Obviously feet sweat, a lot, could we call it sweet?  "Man, I have some serious sweet today, maybe I shouldn't have worn my leather flip flops."  I suppose it's better than plain old sweaty feet...

What about people who don't wear deodorant?  Besides being dirty, smelly, granola farting hippies, they could refer to their sweaty armpits as swits.  "Dude, you have swits so bad it's leaking into my iced Starbucks mocha, focha, fuckalatte."

Do women have a similar problem?  Do they suffer from swussy or if you are a more vulgar person swunt?  Can you put Gold Bond up there?  I would imagine you couldn't for fear of a yeast infection or something.  So how would a woman cure her case of swussy?  I know I have a lot of female readers, inquiring minds want to know...

Do you get swussy and how do you cure it?

Who Is It About?

I was planning on taking 99.9% of the month of May off from blogging, but I guess I just couldn't do it.

As many of you know, Scouting is a giant aspect of my life, disproportional really.  I could go on about how important Scouting is to me but that's the problem, it's not about me.  It's not even about you or you or even you....it's about the youth in the Boy Scouts of America.

The membership policy went to a vote today and no matter which way it goes, it's going to piss off a lot of people.  This is the first step in what many hope to be the right direction.

I watched a video today from the Chief Scout Executive where he read an open letter from the National Order of the Arrow Chairman about his feeling on the vote.  I can't embed the video buy I can link it for you.

http://waynebrock.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/membership-standards-vote/

He pretty much sums it up for me, makes my job easier in writing this post.  I also have long time friends who would fold up tent and move on if he vote goes one way or the other, depending on which "side" they were on...and that's a real shame actually because again they are missing the big picture.

Since I've written this, the vote has been cast and 61% of the votes call for the policy to change, so this kind of deflates my blogging balloon, just remember though....

It's not about your sexual orientation or her religious beliefs, it's about the millions of boys and girls that Scouting serves.  If you want to leave, go...just remember you are doing it selfishly.

If you leave the program, you are leaving a Scout behind and no Scout should be left behind.

Happy Star Wars Day!

Ah, May 4th, every Star Wars geek's favorite day, Happy Star Wars Day to all of my readers!  Wait, what?  You don't know what Star Wars Day is?  May 4th is the official unofficial day, get it?  May fourth...May the fourth...shit if I have to explain it stop reading right now and go throw yourself in front of the USS Enterprise.  May the Fourth Be With You!

I have to confess, despite it being a cool day to celebrate and the fact that I will wear Star Wars t-shirts and tell everyone May the Fourth Be With You, I don't subscribe to May 4th as the official Star Wars Day and it's simple, Episode IV was released on May 25, 1977.  This little graphic explains it all...

Simple mathematics my friends.  It all adds up and makes perfect sense, feel free to watch it again or the Maker forbid watch A New Hope for the first time.  It's all there.  Speaking of May 25, there is a major anniversary coming up, this May 25 will be the 30th anniversary of Return of the Jedi.  Thirty fracking years ago, I watched this movie on the big screen at a drive in.  Happy early anniversary Episode VI!

So how are you celebrating Star Wars Day?  Are you going to be drinking Blue Milk or Tatooine Sunrises?  Perhaps you are going to watch all six movies in consecutive order or maybe you want to try the Machete Experiment and watch them in a fucked up order where you skip Episode I.  Maybe you are going to go low key and just wear a simple t-shirt (which is what I'm doing for part of the day as I'm working) or you're going to go full blown costume as a Jedi or Stormtrooper.  However you are celebrating just make sure you do one thing tomorrow....

Piss off a Trekkie.

P.S. I have nothing against Star Trek, I enjoy it as well...all of the spin offs and the crappy movies.

A To Z Challenge: 'Za

April 30th...the end of my second A to Z Challenge and finally a break.  I can't say I will or won't do this again next year but I can tell you I happy to have this over.  As you can see above I gave you a twofer on the Star Wars characters, the reason for the second one was an inside joke, it's Ziro the Hutt and very flamboyant Hutt.  If you watch the Clone Wars movie you will see.

Alright for the letter Z I am going non-traditional and using an abbreviation....'za, as in pizza.  Is there a more perfect food in the world, scratch that, the galaxy?  Whoever invented the pizza was a freaking genius.  Wait, I just Googled it and it turns out that the genius is Raffaele Esposito of Naples.  He invented the modern pizza.

Pizza is in fact the perfect food for every human being no matter what ridiculous problems you have.  You can get gluten free, vegetarian, tomato free, whatever, it doesn't matter.  Think about it, you take dough, which in itself is a basic mixture and put whatever toppings you want on it.  You can make your own creation!

Let's say you have a hankering for breakfast but don't feel like frying everything up.  Make a pizza out of it, scramble some eggs, throw some potatoes and bacon on there an viola, you've got breakfast pizza.  In the mood for buffalo wings but don't want to make a mess?  Buffalo chicken pizza!  How about a cheeseburger?  hamburg, ketchup, cheese, mustard and other toppings.  All of this on a simple hold in your hand food.

You don't even need a plate or silverware.  Slice it up and grab a piece!  Forget the napkin and just use your sleeve.  The best part about pizza, no matter what kind you have, is it always tastes better cold the next day. The flavors mix and mingle like some sort of orgy and it is fantastic.

If you'll excuse me I am going to make a pizza and celebrate the ending of the A to Z Challenge.

A To Z Challenge: Youth

I have finally caught up and things have slowed down a little too.  Over the weekend I rediscovered the joy of youth.  You see over the weekend I had the pleasure of running my local Boy Scout Council's Pinewood Derby for 92 Cub Scouts.  For those of you who don't know about the Pinewood Derby, it is an event where Cub Scouts take a simple block of wood, cut, sand and paint them to create something only a young imagination could.  They take four plastic wheels and nail them to their creation and send them down a forty foot track.  They can reach speeds up to 200 mph (scaled of course) and the race promotes a healthy competition.  It's a project where parents and boys can work together and build a stronger bond.

I had 92 Cub Scouts racing on Saturday and it was awesome to see.  We had Scouts from 6 to 10 years old and each of their cars were fantastic!  The youthful imagination that was shown Saturday brought a new sense of happiness and faith in humanity.

When I work with the Cub Scouts it washes away anything that has dragged me down during the day and gives me hope that the future will be bright.  They are unbroken, eager and not assholes.  Nothing beats the innocence they show, they don't know about a lot of the bad in the world all they know is what you are teaching them.  I have the chance to help the youth of America and I am grateful for that.

It may not be the Cub Scouts or Boy Scouts but if you are presented a chance to work with youth, I urge you to take it.  Make a difference.

A To Z Challenge: Wicket And X-Wing

OK, so I'm taking the easy way out because it's been crazy in the whole non blogosphere.  I will finish the A to Z Challenge but for know I give you my favorite Ewok and spacecraft...

A To Z Challenge: Very Busy

So today is/was the letter V, I have been very busy so I didn't get a chance to write a good post or a real post at all, but I am a man of my word and I have continued the A to Z Challenge....

A To Z Challenge: Update This!

And Threepio thought Jawas were disgusting...

Today's portion of the A to Z Challenge is brought to you by the letter U.  I know I've touched base about this in the past but it was a general post about Facebook.  Today I want to bring to light the updaters.  I'm not talking about the basic run of the mill updaters, the ones who post every now and then updating you about an event, funny moment in their life or to voice their concern about something.  We are all guilty of that.

The updaters I am talking about fall into three categories:

• Every Waking Minute Updater
• Checker Inners
• Daily Scheduler

Before I go down this road, if you are one of these updaters I swear I'm not talking about you specifically....

The Every Waking Minute Updater or EWM is the person that sleeps with his or her phone on the nightstand and it is the first thing they grab in the morning (I personally grab the Trophy).  They look at that little blue F icon on the screen and quickly tap it...

"Just woke up, didn't sleep well last night."

And it begins, a day of telling the people that hang on every status this person posts what they are doing, "I am making eggs and bacon for breakfast, yum!", "Ugh, doing laundry.", "I guess I'll have a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch.", "Taking a shower.", Getting in my car to go to the store."....ok, who the fuck cares?  So you do the same things everyone else does on a daily routine, we don't need to be reminded of our Ground Hog Day life.  They have something called Twitter if you want to post quick updates.

Then you have the Checker Inners or CIs.  I have fallen prey to this disease and it's not pretty.  This usually happens when people are on vacation.  In fact I just had a friend of mine go to Florida (he knows who he is because I gave him shit about it already).  This friend rarely posts anything on Facebook but all of a sudden he is on vacation and my feed gets blown the fuck up by all sorts of check ins.  "At It's a Small World", "At Hoopty Doo (or whatever it's called) review.", "At Space Mountain"...you get the idea.  People do it locally too, "At the mall.", "At Bugaboo Creek."...thanks now I really feel like a stalker.  What kills me are the pictures that sometimes fall into the mix, especially of the meals they eat.  I really don't want to see your chewed up food or half eaten burger and again, there's Instagram for that shit.

"Twitter is stupid and Instagram is Twitter for people who can't read."

Finally the Daily Scheduler or DSer.  The least annoying updater.  These people post one status update that is a mile long first thing in the morning.

"Getting the kids on the bus, then heading to the laundromat, grocery store and Walmart.  Junior has piano lesson at 2:00 and then I'm getting the kids off the bus.  Taking Junior and Precious to baseball and soccer, I hope I have time to stop and get dinner for them, I should wear an S on my chest LOL."

Of course they have to top off the mile long update with the Supermom/dad reference.  This update is particularly helpful for the robber who now knows your house is unattended for the day, hope you don't mind your 60" plasma getting stolen.

I know we are all guilty to an extent but tone it down for the sake of your "friends".