Thursday, April 9, 2015

Ask Away Friday: Random Acts Of Questions

Oh look, it's Friday and I've fallen prey to yet another Ask Away Friday.  If you don't know the deal, I am asked 10 questions by a fellow blogger, I answer the questions and then you read the questions and answers, hopefully enjoying it.

In return I ask 10 questions to the said blogger who asked me my questions, they answer them and you read those.  Get it?  Got it?  Good.  Let's get on with this.

This week is a special Ask Away Friday because the person I am swapping questions with is a friend from high school.  Let me paint a picture for you about my high school experience.  Remember those cliques?  The jocks, the popular girls, the geeks, and the misfits?  I didn't fit into any of those cliques, I was unique and was able to get along with 99% of the kids in my high school class.  Of course there was that 1% (like 3 kids) who I just couldn't get along with...if you went to school with me and you are reading this, you probably aren't the 1%...congrats.

Sorry I got sidetracked, I was supposed to tell you about my AAF buddy this week.  Jodi from The Noise of Boys is my friend from high school.  She's pretty cool and you should go and check out her blog (watch out, she's a sell out...just joking, it's an inside joke).  It's funny when we both agreed to do Ask Away Friday a couple of weeks ago, she told me to try to keep it PG because of her audience.
Hmmmmm, PG?  Well I guess I can do that but it got me thinking, she wasn't PG in high school...but that's a story for a different day.  I agree to your terms Jodi and I will keep PG as I can.

And today's questions are....

1.  I know you are looking at switching over to WordPress in the future, what prompts this change and what interests you most about the blogosphere?

Man, word travels fast..., oh wait, I asked you your opinion on WordPress.  Well, now that Blogger knows I am shopping around I'm getting banned...oh, that's not how it works?  OK.  I want to have more control over my blog, not that Blogger hasn't been good to me, I just want my own, to own, to rule the world (I almost dropped the f-bomb there).  Ah the blogosphere, what a weird and wondrous place.  The thing that interests me the most about the 'sphere (as us cool kids call it) is the diversity of the blogs and the ability to write about whatever you want.

2.  Tell me about the blogs you love to follow and why you do?

I have a confession...I'm a bad, bad blog follower.  I follow blogs but don't make time to read them.  Don't get me wrong I like reading, I just find it hard to find a period of time to read them.  Husband, Dad, Cubmaster, remember?  But IF I had to choose some blogs to pimp, they would have to be:

A Beer for the Shower
Funny Odd Thing, Life...
The Incoherent Ramblings of a Moose
And of course, The Noise of Boys

3.  What is the most valuable lesson your sons (Minions) may have learned from you?

Wow..a serious question, damn it I despise those.  I would have to say I hope they have learned to be who they are and be good people.

4.  Are you a truth or dare kind of person (my bet is BOTH)?  Either share a photo of a daring moment or tell us a truth!

I have been known to be daring (or stupid) and I do get truthful (when I drink), but here is my most daring moment...

5.  I would love to hear from the Trophy and am SO impressed you read 50 Shades.  Does she regularly read your blog?

I have been trying to get her to do a guest post on the blog, maybe if she reads this she will comply.  The Trophy does in fact read my blog and I have caught her laughing at it as well, I'm going to chalk it up to liking it.  I actually haven't finished reading 50 Shades of Yuck, I think I made it to chapter 8.  It's on my list of things to finish up, people seem to like my reviews of the book...despite how terrible it is.

6.  I know you sometimes feel trapped in the "Mommy" blog world.  I feel it is a pretty diverse and eclectic community, Dad blogs and networks are on the rise, have you found any resources to help guide you?

I am a Dad trapped in a Mommy Blog world.  Even the other Dad blogs are more Mommy than they should be.  Dads should be funny, goofy and always joking around.  I'm not saying that the Dad blogs are bad, just need to throw some actual guy stuff in there.  The best resource I ever found was a challenge I entered called Dude Write.  It's gone now, but I cleaned up in the awards sections....and learned a lot from the other Dudes.

7.  Famous person (dead or living) that if you had one full day to hang out with, who would it be?

Man, I always have loved this question.  I get asked this all the time and I only have two answers, one for living and one for dead.  For living I would love to hang out with none other than the man, myth and legend, George Lucas.  I want to get inside his brain and find out where he came up with the greatness which is Star Wars.  For the dead person, Lord Baden Powell, the founder of Scouting.  BP, as we call him in Scouts, created an organization and movement that has literally shaped my life.

8.  You have unexpectedly won $1,000, what are you doing with it?  Where are you going, what are you wearing?  Please share!

$1,000?  Strip club, gimme all singles!  Oops, sorry it was supposed to be PG.  Actually, if I won $1,000 I would take the family on nice simple vacation, probably somewhere in the mountains where there is no phone service.  Just chill, enjoy nature and...what's that word I'm looking for?  Oh, yeah...relax.

9.  Coffee, beer, liquor, hybrid drinks?  How do you most enjoy your favorite beverage?

First, what is a hybrid drink?  Like combining coffee, beer and liquor?  Ugh, I think I just puked a little in my mouth.  I enjoy coffee in the morning and occasionally a beer or 4 but if I had to choose a favorite beverage it would be a nice tall glass of ice cold Diet Pepsi.  There is nothing better than taking that first sip of Diet Pepsi.  The only thing I won't drink is anything minty, like peppermint schnapps.  I have a Permafrost incident when I was younger...or at least my friends tell me I did.

10.  I am a Netflix/AMC fan, do you binge watch anything or is there a show you really hate to secretly love?

We actually don't have cable.  I know, crazy, but I'm saving like a million dollars a year by not having cable.  Instead we do Hulu and Amazon Prime.  As for binge watching, I have found myself binge watching How I Met Your Mother just recently, I never watched it when it was on the air and now it's hilarious!  There is one show that I hate to secretly love....but that is a secret.

And so you have it, my questions have been answered in a PG manner and without fucking swearing!  I'm so proud of myself!

Who Woulda Thought?

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Don't Cross The Streams would be bad.

The first time I ever heard that quote was 1984 and of course it came from one of the greatest movies of all time, Ghostbusters.

Fast forward 31 years and three Minions later.

There comes a time in a parent's life where you are just too tired to deal with your Minions.  11, 8, and 4 year olds are capable of getting themselves ready for bed...the problem is they don't get ready promptly or easily.

Some nights you just don't give a shit and direct them from the comfort of the couch...."Get your jammies!", "Turn the water on!", "Use soap!",  "Dry off!", "Use toothpaste this time!"  You know the usual.
"Dad, Minion #2 is peeing on me."

From the couch, "Stop peeing on your broth...wait, how is he peeing on you?"

"We're getting ready for the shower and going to the bathroom."

"At the same time?"


"Don't cross the streams."


" would be bad."

"Why would it be bad?" (or "I'm fuzzy on the whole good bad thing, what do you mean bad?" for you Ghostbusters fans)
"What's going on in there?"

"They're crossing the streams and they want to know why it would be bad."

"Well...try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light."

Blink, blink, blink.

"Total protonic reversal guys."

Blink, blink, blink.

"Right, that's bad.  OK, all right, important safety tip."

Blink, blink, blink.

"In other words, your mom will shoot you in the face with a missile launcher you if she finds more pee on the outside of the toilet, OK?"

"Ohhhh, OK, sorry."

Reason 1,765 why I love the Trophy and don't forget...don't cross the streams.

Who Woulda Thought?

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

Welcome to My Circus

Ah Easter...springtime and church, what can I say bad about Easter?  Oh, ye of little faith.

Now before anyone crucifies me...HA I crack myself up....(oh a two for pun, crack...egg...Jesus...crucify...get it?) let me paint a background picture (again) for you.  I would consider myself Agnostic or a Fallen Catholic if you will.

I was raised Catholic, not strict Catholicism but more of the "we need to play by the rules for the important holidays" Catholic.  For those of you who have never been to a Catholic church service, here's how it goes:

Stand, sit, stand, fake singing,  kneel, sit, stand, kneel, eat Jesus, drink blood, kneel, fake praying, sit, stand, sit, stand, shake hands, sit, stand and finally fake singing again.  You do this for a little over a hour every Sunday and longer on the "important holidays".

I do have to be thankful for my mom, she only made me go to church on the "important holidays" i.e. Easter, Christmas, weddings and funerals.  However, I was made to go through CCD (still not sure what it means) in order to get my confirmation.

In a nutshell, I am a firm believer that you don't have to spend your time in a building to be a good person and I do believe in God, just not one particular religion.  Going to church every Sunday makes you a better person like standing in a garage makes you a car.  So with that being said, there are a few things that confuse me about Easter.

1.  Why is it on a different date each year?  Christmas is on the same date every year, don't they kind of go hand in hand?  I mean Jesus rose on the third day....but the third day of....what?  It's like the high priests of religion throw darts at March and April and what ever Sunday the dart lands closest to is Easter Sunday.

2.  Where the hell did the Easter Bunny come from?  Who created him?  Was he there when Jesus rose?  All I can picture is the bunny from Monty Python and the Holy Grail guarding the cave. Was he put there by the Jews to stop Jesus from getting out?

3.  What's the correlation between dying for our sins and plastic eggs filled with money and candy?  We should just take strawberry jam and spread that all over the lawn and have a Jesus Hunt, first one to find the hidden cross wins.  Oh wait, I got it, he died, so we dye eggs...die...dye?  See the similarity?

4.  Don't you think they could have called the day Jesus died something better than Good?  Again, how do they know he died on a Friday?  I mean, people call the Friday after Thanksgiving Black Friday, that sounds more like a day of death.  Maybe a switch should be made.  I am going to tell people that I hope they have a better Good Friday than Jesus did.

5.  Ash Wednesday...this I don't get at all.  This goes back to my thought of archaic practices.  My mom passed away and she was cremated....I sure as hell am not going to smear her ashes on my forehead.  What are the ashes from that they are using in the present?  I highly doubt they are Jesus's actual ashes, but wait he wasn't cremated according to legend, he was buried in a cave after being crucified.  OK, my head is going to blow up on this one....

6.  Why do schools have Good Friday off when they want to remove God from their buildings?  I just heard a story this morning on the radio about a town in Massachusetts that wants to change the lyrics to Lee Greenwood's God Bless the USA to We Love the USA.  But this same school takes Good Friday off...WTF, you can't have your Cadbury creme egg and eat it to!

So now that I've either pissed off all my Catholic friends or made people worry that I am going to go on an Easter bender, I would like to wish everyone a Happy Easter and I hope you spend it....well...doing whatever you do for Easter.

Happy Easter everyone!

Who Woulda Thought?

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Ask Away Friday: Like A Virgin

Touched for the very first time.  And I'm still selling out...not really this time, I've got my feet wet now and this week I am hooking up (not like that, get your mind out of the gutter again) with Lysa from Welcome to My Circus, a pretty funny blog about a crazy ass life that she lives.

Welcome to My Circus

So here's the deal in case you forgot, I have asked Lysa 10 questions about her firsts and she, in turn, has asked me 10 so without further ado, here are the questions as asked by Lysa from the Circus herself.

1.  What was the first "real" concert you went to and when was it?  Do you even listen to the band today?

Oh, a concert?  Back in the day I had frequented tons many a few concerts ranging from Rosenshontz to Garth Brooks.  But my first real concert however was (not counting Rosenshontz when I was 10) Guns & Fucking Roses in May of 1993 on their Use Your Illusion tour at what was known as the Mullins Center in Amherst, Massachusetts.  Do I still listen to GNR?  What kind of question is that?  Guns and Roses is one of the best bands (back in the Axl AND Slash days) and I still rock to Paradise City.

2.  What was your first regrettable decision and why did you regret it?

My first regrettable decision?  Holy shit balls, how am I supposed to remember that?  OK, I know what it was.  I stole a candy bar from the local general store.  There I said it.  I regret it because it was a family owned store in a town of less than 1,000.  However...I returned the candy bar.

3.  What is the very FIRST thing you think of when you wake up every morning or on most mornings?

I gotta take a shit.

4.  What celebrity do you have the biggest crush on and when did you first develop you crush on them?

Her and this exact moment.
5.  What is the FIRST famous person you ever met and when did you meet them?

Ever heard of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?  Know who created them?  That's right, I met, know and kind of still know Kevin Eastman the co-creator of TMNT.  It was in the late 80s and I have several autographs from him.  He even let my Boy Scout Troop camp on his property.

6.  What was you first day in high school like?

Shit high school?  I was scared shitless like any other normal 9th grade kid that was chubby and a geek.  Thanks for bringing up bad memories....kidding, it was fairly normal just a little scary, I had friends that were with me since I was 3 years old, so it worked  out fine.

Yup...that's me.
7.  When was the first time you licked a 9 volt battery to see if it was still working?

Well....that's a totally random question.  Lick a 9 volt battery to see if it was still working?  What kind of idiotic guy do you think I am?  I licked it because I was dared to not to see if it was working.  Geez.  Anyway, to answer your question, I would have to say I was probably around 10 years old and shocked my tongue but in a good feeling way like the rope in gym class...wait, what?

8.  What was the first curse word you ever said and how old were you?  What made you say it?

Shit, I don't fucking remember what goddamn curse word I said or when it was.  If I had to guess, it was probably shit, yeah I'm pretty sure it was shit because shit was a common word in my house.

9.  What was the first Bubble Gum Pop song that you remember from elementary school or high school that drove you nuts but now you sing it any time you hear it?

First, what the flying fajita is a bubble gum pop song?  Did I miss something growing up in New England?  Anyway, when I was in high school we did alternate weeks of academics and shop.  In shop we listened to the radio and it was one of those stations that put their list on repeat, so it came on at least twice a day.

10.  What was you favorite Cub Scout event and when did you first participate in it?

PERFECT!  Cub Scouts!  My favorite event was and still is the Pinewood Derby, the thrill, the race, the fun, it's so much cooler than NASCAR.  My first one was in 1986 and I took first in the Pack and third in Council.  I love the PWD.

So there you have this week's Ask Away Friday with Lysa from Welcome to My Circus.

Who Woulda Thought?

Monday, March 23, 2015

Food For Thought

Ah Fakebook, we meet again.  Each time we meet, you irritate me more and more, yet I can't quit you.  Like a moth to a flame, I am drawn to scrolling through and seeing people's posts.  I have mastered the use of the unfollow option and I have even been brave enough to unfriend some people...and it's a liberating feeling.

However there seems to be a new trend that has cropped up on the evil interwebs.  Selfies? Nope, even though no one cares that you THINK you look cute while standing in the same room that you poop.  What color is the dress?  Nah, I can ignore that shit.  Automatic videos?  Nope, even though it is tough to scroll Fakebook in public and the bikini video plays.  It's posting the food you make or eat on Fakebook.  People go out to a restaurant and take a fucking picture of the taco they are about to eat.  Why?  Seriously...why?  It's not like you are at a 5 star gourmet restaurant and the food is aesthetically beautiful and pleasing, it's Taco - fucking - Bell.  It looks the same now as it will in an hour.  How about showing me that big ass plate of nachos you are about to devour by yourself...ooooo, don't forget to put the three beer bottles in the picture too, you drunk.  No. One. Cares.

I don't know if you're trying to make people jealous by posting the slimy sunnyside up eggs and burnt Wonder Bread toast you got at Denny's, but rest one gives a flying monkey fuck.

The same holds true for the food you make at home.  I am sure you are an ah-mazing chef (in your own mind) and your food is truly scrumptious (to your dog) but again, no one really cares that you cook.  No one cares what it looks like when you're cooking it, no one cares what it looks like when you serve it and no one cares what it looks like sitting on the paper plate with your mismatched silverware laying next to it.

Now I know I can't stop people from posting pictures of the crap they make at home but at least let me give you some tips.  First, don't serve the food you slaved over on a Dixie plate.  Nothing says white trash quite like Walmart brand paper plates.  Second, make it look decent.  If you're hell bent on posting food pictures, make it look good.  I've seen better plating at my high school cafeteria.  It looks like you used an ice cream scoop to serve everything and for shit's sake, add some color in there.  White, tan and brown are not eye candy colors.

Also you might want to consider hiding the Hamburger Helper box you made it from.  Made from scratch?  Bullshit, made from scratching your ass is more like it.  Seriously, even if the box is out of the picture, you can still tell that it's Hamburger Helper or Whatever-Meat Helper you just has that look to it, the greyish, sloppy, chunks of meat product and those wide noodles.

*DISCLAIMER - I am not condoning eating these items, I eat them all the time, there is nothing wrong with the food items or how you serve them, we use paper products too, when our sink is overflowing with dishes.  I just don't take photographs of the Trophy's Redneck Surprise.

Do you think Jesus would have posted the Last Supper if the Internet was around back then?  Simple, he wouldn't have.  Even multiplying the fish or bread or whatever and turning water into wine do you think he would have posted that shit?  No, so next time you get a hair across your ass to post your food, stop and think WWJD?  He sure as hell wouldn't post his food pictures.

There...I feel better, I got that off my chest,  While writing this, I had an epiphany, I will counter balance the food posters on Fakebook.  I shall photograph my after meal shits.  Maybe I will make it a regular on my Facebook page or even here on my blog.  Maybe I will call it Saturday Shits or Aftermath Wednesdays.  Maybe Look What I Digested Thursdays.  Hmmmm, I wonder if it would fly.

Who Woulda Thought?

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Ask Away Friday...Or I'm A Sellout

Your choice...I am leaning towards being a sellout but hey as you know I just got back into the blogosphere I decided to join a thing called Ask Away Friday.

I was invited by my friend Jodi at The Noise of Boys to sign up for what's called Ask Away Friday...little did I know that it's Mommy Blog thing...and that brings me back to being a Dad Trapped In A Mommy Blog World which you can read HERE...go on, I'll wait.

Anyway, here's the deal, I am supposed to answer 10 questions and ask 10 questions from and to another blogger.  This Friday I am hooking up (NOT that way) with April Noelle from Finding Favor and she has asked me 10 questions which I will answer in a minute but right now I would like to apologize to April because after reading some of her blog...she's a very nice blogger and me, well you've read my blog, so you know what I'm like.

Without further ado, here are the questions and my answers.

What was your favorite food when you were a child?

Hmmm, my favorite food when I was a child?  That would have to be my grandmother's pierogis, cabbage to be exact.  There is nothing better.  What can I say, I'm a Pollack.

What's the #1 most played song on your iPod?

That would be my guilty pleasure song....

What is one of your favorite quotes?

My all time favorite quote is

What chore do you absolutely hate doing?

Well I don't really hate anything...except clowns and cotton balls, but one chore I despise doing is cleaning the litter box, it's like spelunking for nasty ass Tootsie Rolls.

If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?

I wouldn't actually.  There isn't any age that I would like to stay, many of them were great but I wouldn't want to stay any of them.

If you knew the world was ending at the end of this year, what would you make sure you do?

Wow, that's deep man.  OK, this is my one and only sappy answer because it's the truth.  I would spend the rest of the year with the Trophy and Minions, quality time with them, making sure that they know I love them.

When you have 30 minutes of free-time, how do you pass the time?

Free what?  Between working full time, Scouting, blogging, and so on I don't have much free time, however if and when I get 30 minutes of free time I usually sit and listen to the quietness.  It's magical.

What would you name the autobiography of your life?

Pull My Finger:  Tales of Fun and Flatulence.

What's the hardest thing you've ever done?

Man...another deep question.  The hardest thing I've ever had to do was stand by my Mom and my Dad when they both passed away three years ago.  I was by their beds each time....great's just dust in my eye.

What is something you learned last week?

I learned that winter is never, fucking ever, going away this year.  I usually don't complain about the weather but this winter has been re-donkulous.

So there you have sell out post.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Just Shut The Hell Up! what you want to say.

If you're not a parent then this is one of those posts that will stop you from having kids, kind of like my going out to dinner post.  If you are a parent and most of you are who read this you can probably relate.

"Hi honey, how was your day?"

"Not bad, I was able to,,,"

"Mom!  Look what I can do!"

"What was that dear, you were able to...?"

"I was saying, I was able..."

"Dad!  Did you know you can pull spaghetti out of your nose?"

"As I was saying..."

"Mom!  #2 just peed on the flowers again!"

"Fuck it, I'll tell you in 16 years how my day was."

Kids...they have no concept of conversation.  They either interrupt you with some babble about something you really don't give a shit about like the rare Pokemon card that he has called Flickaturd or whatever the fuck it is or they develop a version of tourettes.

It doesn't matter the age either, 1-13 it's all the same, kids are attention whores.  You and the Trophy could be sitting on the couch for 2 hours reading a book or Fakebooking, not saying a word to each other and the Minions are all in their rooms playing or whatever they do behind closed doors and it happens:

"Oh, you'll never guess who I ran into today."

"Mom, Dad!  I can't get this Lego to fit!"

What the fuck!  It's uncanny.  First of all, whoever bought them Mega Blocks AND Legos for their birthday needs to get a brick firmly implanted in their rectum because those DO NOT work together and second of all, how do they know when we start talking?  Damn them and their Vulcan hearing.

Then you have the non-interrupting scenario or Non-interruptus-maximus as I call it.  You're driving to the store with one of them (because that's how I roll, divide and conquer) and they are going on and on and on and on about something you have no clue about.

"Dad, did you see my Squinkies?"

"Huh, what the fuck is a Squinkie?", is what you're thinking but can't say it so you play into it.
"Oh yeah buddy, they are cool!", thinking that will end the conversation...wrong.

"Yeah I have bunch of them, maybe even a gazillion!  They are really small so Mom says not to stick them up my nose or in my ears because they will get stuck and we can't afford another $300 bill from the hospital like last time I put the Mega Block in my ear, remember that Dad?  I have Iron Man, Spider Man, Kick-A-Jew, Lightning McQueen, Superman, Bakugan, Mighty Mouse, ummm, oh yeah and I have this case I keep them in so I don't loose them because Mom says...."

They just keep droning on until it eventually becomes a consistent buzzing of a fly or that humming you hear driving down the road with the radio off,

When the Trophy and I talk to other people, especially people without kids, some how the conversation always turns to bedtime for the Minions.  When we tell them that's our favorite time of day, they look at us like we just clubbed a baby seal over the head.

"What?  Don't you cherish your time with your children?"

Hmmmm, let me think about that one...95% of the time, yes I do.  The other 5% I want to drop kick them through the picture window and bedtime can't come fast enough.  The we can't put the Minions to bed quick enough some nights (OK most nights) because we want what all parents crave....


There is nothing better than putting the Minions to bed and sitting on the couch and listening to...nothing.  Nothing at all, no TV, no music, no phones, nothing.  It's awesome.

If you'll excuse me I have to go listen to...not a damn thing.

Welcome to My Circus

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Monday, March 9, 2015

Two Thongs Don't Make A Right

If you live anywhere remotely close to New England you are aware of the frozen tundra we have endured this winter.  If you are not near here, it is the new Siberia.  This winter has been brutal but there is a glimmer of hope this week.  We are supposed to reach the 40s!  Compared to the non-existent temperatures we've had, it's a freaking heat wave.  It brings thoughts of summer, warmer weather and the beach.  Who doesn't love going to the beach in the summer?

Me, that's who.

Before you click the X in the upper right corner let me explain.  I do go to the beach, it's in the Dad contract I signed when Minion #1 barreled out but just because I go doesn't mean I have to enjoy it.  There are many reasons why I don't enjoy the beach, especially New England beaches, I've been to some really nice beaches in the Caribbean and those aren't too bad but they still have the same issues.

It's fucking loud.  There's no way around it, it's a very loud environment.  Between the waves, the wind, kids screaming, the seagulls and Studley Wondermuffin blasting Pour Some Sugar on Me, it's on overload of the hearing sense.  Don't get me wrong I love me some Def Leppard but I also like to relax in a little quiet.  Turn it down asshat.

It's down right gross and nasty.  Look up, there's fucking pterodactyls flying around ready to dive bomb you and take a shit on your shoulder.  You're sitting in what essentially cats use as their toilet and the sand gets everywhere.  The sand gets into crevices that you didn't even know you had.  I'm still pulling sand out of my belly button from the last time I went to the beach.  You go into the water to "rinse" off and you come out tasting like a dry roasted peanut.  Of course, because it's an open area, people think it's perfectly fine to smoke.  Mmmmm, let me choke some of that down along with my seaweed salad.

The ocean is full of mystery and danger.  You're sitting in the litter box when the Minions want to go into the ocean.  You can't say no so reluctantly you head in.  First the water is 50 degrees in the middle of August and your testicles crawl up and sit on your shoulder giving you the "What the fuck?' look.  Your first step in you step in seaweed and get icky toes.  I despise icky toes.  You don't know whats lurking under the seaweed, there could be some crab waiting to pinch your pinky toe off.  While on land, you swear you saw a shark eating a seal, so there's that.  I've seen Jaws, I don't want to live it.  Salt is good for french fries not your body.  After gulping down several waves and feeling like someone coated you in double sided tape, you've had enough.  As you try to wade your fat ass out of the water a wave comes and knocks you over, you recover and see your bathing suit floating nearby.  The ocean is a bully and there's no place for bullies.

It puts the sand in sandwich.  I don't think I have to delve too much into this one, but it's impossible to enjoy lunch at the beach.  Sand every-fucking-where.  You might as well take your Subway and roll it in the parking lot, pour some water on it and then douse it with 1/2 gallon of salt.

You need to pack enough shit to last an overnight.  When I was younger I would go to the beach with just a towel and my bathing suit.  Simple.  Now you need to bring three Beach Buggies full of sand toys, two coolers of food, an extra change of clothes, chairs, an umbrella and don't forget the sunscreen,  It's a planning nightmare, it's easier to pack for a week at camp than it is for the beach.

Speaking of doesn't matter if you have some or not, inevitably you're going to miss that one 6" X 6" spot somewhere on your body.  It could be your back, your leg or even your chest and then you burn like a the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.  True story, last year I went to the beach with the family, I slathered myself in sunscreen and promptly fell asleep in my chair (I had my iPod and ear buds in to block the noise).  Instead of waking me to flip me like a pancake, the family lets me rest.  I wake up feeling refreshed but looking like Two Face from Batman.  The right side of everything was burnt, despite the liberal amount of sunscreen I put on.  All I needed was a coin to flip.

Kids.  Way too many kids at the beach.  As you know I don't dislike kids, I have three of them (they're up for sale if you want them) but dammit, there's too many kids doing stupid things at the beach.  They run by you flicking sand all over you, they cry and scream when their sandcastle gets washed away and they fly kites.  Kite flying should be banned from beaches, the kids run along the beach dragging their Spongebob kite behind them, while the kite is bouncing back and forth hitting people and impaling them with the wooden dowels.  Once they finally get it in the air, they have no control of it, it dips and bobs and then divebombs you, eventually crashing down next to you.  It's like a game of Lawn Darts, one good hit to the cranium and you're done.

There you go, now you know why I despise the beach.  I know, I'm not fun anymore, but I blame the Minions for that.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

What's Your Super Power?

A little throw back Thursday...

Why would I go and waste a perfectly great fart and blame the dog?  It doesn't make sense, be loud, be proud of what you have created!
Yup, that's right, I love to fart and I am proud of my farts, always have been, however, when I was younger I was shy (yeah I know, you don't believe me, but I was) and farting was something that was viewed as obscene and nasty and I should never, ever do it in public.  Now you know why you see people walking around the streets with a look on their faces like they are hiding something, it's because they need to fart and they haven't embraced their inner Fart Child.  Embrace it my friends, embrace it!

Up until the age of fifteen, yes I was a late bloomer when it came to public farting, I was one of those people, walking along the halls at school, shopping at the mall or even watching a movie in the theater, holding in the farts, making mmyself look like I was guilty of stealing something.  Then one day, I let a fart slip in Caldor and it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, well more like off my lower abdomen.  I could concentrate on what I was looking for, I didn't have to be worried that someone thought I was up to something, I could just go on with my shopping.  It was great.

Some people can burp on command, that's nothing, I have the ability to fart on command.  My favorite game was and is Pull My Finger.  Syd Vicious loves playing that game with me.  This power has been handed down to me from both of my parents, my Mom would do the walking farts and Dad would be able to sit in his recliner and levitate about three inches.  With great power comes great responsibility though.
 I am forced to shield this power, to keep it contained in certain situations and to use it for good.  I have used it at water parks where I am climbing the fourteen story water slide (I paid $50 to get in here, multiple that by the thousands each day, put a freaking elevator in for shit's sake) and the person behind me was right on my ass and they kept bumping me with their inflatable tube.  I turned around and gave them the, "I just ate some greasy french fries, I'm loaded and not afraid to use it" look hoping they would get the hint before I had to release the beast and have them disintegrate before they hit the ground.  Bump!  Sorry sir, today just wasn't your day....

The power can be used to end a meeting.  You know the kind of meeting I'm talking about, you're all sitting around the table and you've covered everything important and then someone decides, now is the perfect time to discuss something totally irrelevant.  You look around the table and see the look of pain and torture on the faces of the hostages, you can feel their pain.  It is your duty to protect the innocent, like Iron Man you need to decide which weapon to use.  Will it be the loud, no doubt who did it door buster or maybe you should use the middle of the road squeaker?  You decide on the S.B.D. or silent but deadly fart.

Clenching your cheeks just enough to stimey the sound, you eek the fart out.  It's only a matter of a few seconds until the full stench reaches the open air and then someone gets that look of "what died in here?" and promptly excuses everyone from the rest of the meeting.  You are a hero, yet you did not reveal your identity.

I need to come clean though, I have strayed off the righteous path for a time and I was tempted by evil.  I was driving my car with my friends in it.  Everyone has that one friend who is considered a friend but is annoying as all hell (right now my friends from younger times are wondering if they were that friend).  This friend would not shut the hell up about whatever he was spewing out of his pie hole.  After about twenty minutes of nonstop gibberish, I had had it.  There comes a time where it is not longer the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, but you need to unleash holy hell on the entire group, innocents and all.

When you are in a car, you can just let a fart rip, the cushioned seats and the road noise muffle the sound, so I fired away.  Once the smell had reached my nostrils I knew it was time for Phase 2 of the plan.  I quickly locked the windows and turned the heat on full blast.  Unfortunately, two out of the three other people riding in my car that day suffered the consequences.  It was a necessity and a victory, despite the minor loss of two friends.

I have passed along my power to one of my Minions.  #3 has already taken the torch and is running with the power, we just need to steer him on the good path and not let him stray.  Again, if we ever have a shortage of natural gas, you can just shove a pipeline up #3's ass and we will be supplied for years.

So. remember my faithful Minion Followers, it's OK to fart in public, if you are self conscious about it you can do the "wander around looking at things until the coast is clear" maneuver or yes, you can blame the kids, no one ever condemns a child for passing gas, just be sure to switch to S.B.D. mode, the noise gives you away.

Oh and I forgot, it is OK to fart in church.  I've done it several times, mostly at weddings...on the alter... The place will not fall down, so when you hear the phrase "...went over like a fart in church" you can tell people that you actually did fart in a church and it went over just fine.  Now, you can use the phrase "...went over like a fart in a space suit." to replace the church line, I'm sure that farting in a space suit would not be a good thing....