Tuesday, March 3, 2015

I Am A Geek Dad

I guess I was cool before it was cool to be...uh, cool?  I'll admit my coolness went away the second Minion #1 came sailing down the old sperm shoot.  I traded my Metallica CDs for Veggietales and my house parties became themed birthday parties.

But before that I swear I was cool...

Since the rise in popularity of the Big Bang Theory and King of the Nerds, wearing superhero t-shirts and quoting sci-fi, thus geekdom has become mainstream.  However, I was a geek before it was cool to be a geek, but let's get something straight right now, there is a difference between being a geek and being a nerd, but that's a post for another day.

When I was younger I was wearing superhero t-shirts and rocking the Atari 2600 and NES.  I was quoting the Star Wars Trilogy before I could ride a bike and my favorite part of my one and only Disney vacation was Epcot.  Fuck the small world, I wanted science!  My parents bought me a home computer back in the 80's, and Apple IIc.  That's right I was Mac before before Steve "Motherfucking" Jobs made it cool to be a Mac.  In fact I had an Apple IIc before my school did.

I remember the day I was called to the principal's office, I was shitting bricks trying to think what I did wrong.

"We just bought three new Apple IIc computers and we need you to train the teachers how to use them."

Wait..what the hell did I just hear?  My little 4th grade mind was blown!  I was in fact the first Apple Genius.  Now don't get too excited, if you had ever used an Apple IIc you know it doesn't have a hard drive and runs solely on those big ass 5 1/2 inch Verbatim floppy disks.

Remember Nintendo Power?  Yeah I had a subscription from day one.  My friends and I were gamers before anyone knew what the fuck a gamer was.  I saved Princess Toadstool so many times I got a hard on when they introduced Peach.  The Legend of Zelda?  Please, I didn't break a sweat.  Contra?  Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start bitches.  Kids these days think their Skylanders games are hard, how about needing to dedicated and entire day to trying to beat a game because there was no save feature and you could only go forward.  You had to pray to the maker that your mom didn't accidentally trip over the power cord and unplug the NES.

I owned enough t-shirts to wear a different one for every day of the school year.  Batman, Spider-man, Superman, Star Wars, Star Trek, you named it I had a t-shirt for it.  I was novelty t-shirts before Dr. Sheldon Cooper.  I had a semi-replica lightsaber growing up, it was Darth Vaders and I had the official movie posters for Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back and Revenge of the Jedi.  Yeah you read that right, REVENGE of the Jedi.

I am a geek, like my father before me and my Minions will be geeks too.  I was a geek before it was cool to be a geek.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

I'm Not Quite Dead Yet

During my hiatus from blogging I found myself in the Emergency Room or the ER to the cool kids.  Don't worry, I'm fine, thanks for asking...you did ask right?

Picture it, 1980 something, a small town in Western Massachusetts.  There's this dumbass kid whose parents are going out for the night and he wants to know when the babysitter is coming over.  The babysitter lives across the street from this dumbass kid and the dumbass kid thought it would be a good idea to go across the road and find out for himself.  Well, this dumbass kid decides to hang off of the 6 foot flower box on the picture window to try to get the said babysitter's attention.  After a few jumps, the flower box comes crashing down on the dumbass kid and long story short, he is puking up blood and gets a complimentary ride in an ambulance to the hospital.  Yeah, the dumbass kid was me.

While in the hospital, they noticed I only had one kidney.  In the 70's they didn't use ultrasound often so they never caught that I was born a mutant.  So after a week long stint in the hospital, I was released with some serious restrictions that I was supposed to follow the rest of my life.  Things like, no contact sports, drink shitloads of water, no outdoor adventures, no touching, no breathing, you know things like that.  The biggest was no contact sports or rough housing because they were afraid I would lose my remaining kidney.  Fair enough, I'll sit around playing Nintendo while my friends are outside, playing...yeah that didn't happen.

My friends all knew about it, my teachers and Scout Leaders did, my coaches, everyone.  I was like a fucking X-Man minus the cool abilities and a bald dude in a wheel chair.  I was the kid with only one kidney.  My friend's parents didn't know what to do with me when I went over their house.  Some wouldn't let me step outside if it was slippery, some didn't know what to feed me, I was like a Mogwai, don't feed it after midnight, don't get it wet and don't expose it to bright light.  My entire life I only had one kidney and had to be careful.

I didn't start this blog post to tell you that story.  Like I said I went to the ER last year for a pain in my kidney.  Normally I would suck it up but I don't fuck around with the one kidney, especially now I know there is kidney issues in my family, so I called the Trophy (remember her?).  She told me to go to the ER and met me there.  There I was laying in bed, freaking the fuck out, thinking that I played a contact sport or something and my original doctor was right, I should have been bubblized, that's when I heard it.

"Where the fuck is the fucking doctor?"

Oh, I don't know..maybe he's helping out the 50 other people that came in.

Then it hit me, what if I am wasting the doctor's and nurse's time, what if there are people in here that need more medical attention than me.

"Tell the doctor this is my fourth time in this week and he still ain't figured out what's wrong with me."

Nope, I'm not wasting their time.  That waste of plasma is.  I'm here for the first time in 20 years.  She's got a frequent flier card.  What the hell man?  Maybe I should start being a hypochondriac and use the ER for my drug addiction and to comfort me when I have the sniffles.  Nah, I'm too nice for that I guess.

By the way, I'm fine, I had severe gas and come to find out I actually do have two kidneys, the one that was "missing" just doesn't function.  38 years and no one told me this?  Oh well, life goes one, just watch those contact sports.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Wanna Go Out To Dinner?

Sure!  Maybe we can go to that nice Italian restaurant in Boston, have a couple glasses of wine and maybe catch that movie we wanted to see.  That sounds so nice, I can't wait, we can top it off with cannolis from that corner bakery we like...

Oh...shit...we have kids.  Never mind, spaghetti and meatballs sounds good again.

Having kids a blessing and a curse.  I mean I wouldn't trade any of the Minions for all the gold in the world but goddamn they make it hard to have a life.  This one goes out to the kidless people, enjoy it while it lasts.  This is the 23rd reason to stay kidless as long as you can.  Something so simple as going out to dinner is now a tedious task, you have two options:

1.  Pay a teenager a bunch of money to come over for a few hours, just so they can eat your food, watch your TV, make out with their significant other and defile your couch.

2.  Take the kids with you.

Goodbye Italian restaurant, hello Friendly's (wait Friendly's is too fucking expensive), hello Chili's.  Arrivederci wine, aloha water with lemon. Sayonara, cannolis, bonjour store brand Oreos.  Instead of wasting $50 for a babysitter, you opt to take the kids with you.  Now, one kid...easy peasy, two kids, doable, three or more...good luck with that, you're outnumbered.  For those of you who need it, here are 10 steps to help you manage this fiasco the best you can.  I also did a "Kidless List" under each step to make it feel like you have a case of the heathens.

1.  Don't Make Plans, Just Do It.  If you tell the kids you are going out to dinner any sooner than when you step foot out the door you'll regret it.  It will be like you telling them you're going on vacation in July or that Christmas is next week.  They. Won't. Shut. Up. About. It.  Wait until the last possible minute to disclose where you're going.

Wake up one day, slap your significant other in the face, have them kick you in the balls and then start getting ready it's about that painful.

2.  Start Getting Ready At Least 3 Hours Before You Have To Leave.  (The hours are based on the number of kids you have, 1 kid = 1 hour).  Unlike adults, kids need to pack random crap for the 30 minute car ride.  Gameboys, iPods, DVDs, toys, random shit.  All because they have the attention span of a newt.  It also takes time to get each kid ready.  After the barrage of "Let's go!" and making sure they have socks on, you're ready to go...and late.

Grab a Transformers backpack and shove as much shit in it as you can.  Make sure it's stuff you haven't used in three years.

3.  Set The Ground Rules In The Car.  Be smart, purchase a vehicle with a third row, you'll thank me.  Position the kids where they will annoy the shit out of each other the least, buckle them in and lay down the law.  No touching each other.  You are a foot away from each other, no yelling.  You have your shit, they have their shit, don't take your sibling's shit.  Don't look at each other.  On second thought, save your breath, it's not going to work anyway.

You sit in the front and your significant other sits in the back seat.  Turn the radio up loud and make faces at each other while occasionally poking each other in the ribs.

4.  Avoid Driving Past Recognizable Places.  You know your own kid's favorite places to go, avoid driving near them.  Kids are like Garmin GPS units, they stay inactive, buried in a screen when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you hear "Can we stop at Toys R Us?".  Instead of being the bad parent, avoid it, take the back way if possible, it will throw their internal GPS units off....if you're lucky.

Take all back roads so that the trip takes 45 minutes longer than it should.  Don't think about stopping at Dunkin' Donuts for a coffee even though you REALLY need that dose of caffeine.

5.  Before Arriving At The Restaurant Ask What They Want.  Chances are you know the menu left to right because it's the only place you go with the kids so take their orders ahead of time.  Tell them to pause the game and ask them what they want, it will save...dammit, I can't even complete that sentence, don't even bother, they will change their ever moving minds at the restaurant.  Scratch this step.

Play the old, "What do you wanna do?  I don't know, what do you wanna do?" game with each other over and over and fucking over.

6.  Upon Arrival Leave Things In The Car.  Instruct them to take one and only one thing into the restaurant, this way you can keep track of their shit.  Be aware though, kid are like ninjas with terrible attention spans, they will sneak other crap and you won't notice until it's too late.  How the hell did you bring your Build-A-Bear in without me seeing it?  They will smuggle things in like drug mules, just don't ask where they hid the item.

Leave that Transformers backpack in the car but make sure you bring one thing the other knows about and then one item that is smuggled in your hoop as a surprise.  Your significant other needs to play "Where'd you hide it?"

7.  Just Accept The Failure And Prepare To Tip Big.  You've made it to the restaurant, you're sitting in the booth, you're ready to order and it happens.  The waitress asks the kids what they want.  They have choices, many choices and holy crap on a cracker they can't handle that many choices, it's overload for them so it takes 5 minutes per kid to order the chicken fucking nuggets kids meal.  By the time she gets to you guys, you forgot what you were going to order so you panic and order the first thing you see.  You thank the waitress for her Jedi like patience and know that a much bigger tip is appearing when the check comes.

Open your wallet and drop $150 on the table and tell the waitress to take it, no questions asked.  Don't look at the menu, ask the waitress to hang the menu on the wall and throw a dart at it, whatever it hits is what you're having.

8.  Don't Make Eye Contact With Other Adults.  Unless it's another parent who has the same problem, then you can lock eyes and sympathize with each other.  Look down at your plate and eat, calling out the kid's names every 5 minutes, knowing that they are doing something that needs to be addressed.

When your food comes, grab your fork and eat it as fast as you humanly can without looking up. Develop tourettes for the meal and randomly shout out things like "Don't stick that up your nose." or "Turn around and stop bothering those people." over and over again.

9.  Pay The Bill and Apologize.  Look under the table, there's enough dropped food to feed Ethiopia for a month.  The top of the table is a militarized zone and the kid's haven't eaten any of their food.  Give the waitress your card and leave more than 20%, 40 or 50% should cover it.  Make sure you take the leftover food though, you will have snacks that night while the kids eat their Hannaford Oreos.

Remember the $150?  That was a courtesy, like when you were 23 and you tipped your bartender first to ensure good serive.  Don't even look at the bill, pay it and get out, there is no time for small talk.

10.  Take The Walk Of Shame And Go Home.  Put your jackets on and walk through the piercing eyes of what use to be your peers.  You get in the car and vow never to take the kids out to dinner anytime in the foreseeable future.

You know that walk of shame you took when you were younger after a one night stand?  That was practice for parenthood.  Good luck and avoid the rotten tomatoes.

So that reminds me...how do you like your spaghetti and meatballs prepared?

Monday, February 16, 2015

Did You Miss Me?

Well, I guess I have been a dich.
Well I missed you.

No seriously I did.  I realize that I haven't done a blog entry since April of 2014 (fucking A to Z Challenge).  I definitely put the blogging on the back burner and you know what, it was nice.  I spent time with the family, did some great things in Scouts and lived my life but deep down inside, I missed it.  I missed the torture of trying to be humorous, the agony of trying to write something that people would enjoy and more importantly the free therapy.

Yup, that's the look right there.
What prompted this you may ask?  Simple, I was a friend's daughter's 3rd birthday party (I know, I'm a baller when it comes to parties) and his brother came up to me and said he's been away and hasn't been able to keep up with my blog and was looking forward to catching up on it since he left.  When I told him there wasn't much to catch up on, I kinda got the "Whaaaaaat?" look from him, it was like almost an approval rating of -29 from him.

Then it happened again, this time I was talking to a friend of mine, helping him out with some stuff and he mentioned that he always looked forward to my blog posts and that he missed reading them.  I looked at him and asked why, his simple response was that it gave him something to look forward to each week.  I gave him the "Don't start this shit" look and he bounced that look right back at me like a volley ball.

"You're a fucking published author and a funny one at that.  Stop being a dumbass and do what you like doing."

Blink, blink, blink.

Wow dude.  Thanks.

Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm a dumbass.
And you know what he's right, I am a published author, I can blog at least once a week. I have some crazy shit to blog about (that's the beauty of this world, the dumbassary pool never runs dry).  I may not write things everyone will like and I won't get discouraged when my views are low, this is something I enjoy doing.

It's a new year, I'm buried under 7 feet of snow, what the fuck, let's kick this thing off again.  Maybe I'll revamp the look, maybe I won't.  One thing is for sure I will blog, dammit I will blog.

Hope you're ready.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Zig Zag In The A To Z Challenge

OK, so I admit it.  This year's A to Z Challenge was...well, a challenge for me.  I just couldn't give myself time to write a complete challenge and I couldn't get it done on the right days.  I did my best but I zig zagged around the Challenge.

I will not be doing the Challenge next year, I just can't commit to it.  I've learned many things this year in the A to Z Challenge, one of those is, there is more to life than writing a blog.  That doesn't mean I am giving up writing, I just will write when the mood strikes.  If that offends you, I'm sorry.  See you next time!

Yoda In The A To Z Challenge

Many of my life lessons have been learned from Star Wars...in fact Yoda has been a mentor to me in a round about sort of way.

Monday, April 28, 2014

X Marks The Spot In The A To Z Challenge

I knew this day was coming, I kicked Q's ass, beat U and V, but the one letter I was dreading in the A to Z Challenge was the letter X.  Sure, xylophone but who plays the xylophone anymore?  Xfinity or more commonaly know as Comcast, I have them as my cable and internet, no issues with them.  X-Men, love the comic books and the movies...except for The Last Stand, that was a heaping pile of monkey crap.  I could have been cute and done some thing like change the word extra to xtra or talked about my X girlfriends, but that's not me.  So instead I will talk to you about wood.  Yes, wood.

"But, Kevin," you start to protest, "wood obviously starts with the letter W and you already did the W  yesterday."

"Well yes my silly little minions, I did in fact do W yesterday, but today I want to talk about wood."

"But, but..."

"Shhhh, just sit back, relax and you'll see, besides have I eve steered you wrong before?"

It's truly amazing the things you can find on the internet, did you know that there are at least 21 words that begin with the letter X that relates to wood.  See what I did there?  Told you to relax...

If you were to take xylogy in college you could find out that xylan is a gelatinous compound found in wood, what things would be considered xylogenous seeing they grow on wood or you could even look at the xylem of the plant, which is the woody portion.  Maybe that would be your major and xylotherapy could be your minor.  You could treat diseases with certain types of wood.

Once you graduated college you could become a xylopolist and open up a wood store, of course you would have to hire someone who excels in xylophory to carry all of your wood in and out of the store.  Expanding your wood store you might want to enlist someone who knows xylography to do wood engraving or someone knowledgeable in xyloglyphy so you can sell cute little things carved out of wood or xoanon statues covered with ivory and gold.  Don't forget to employ a student of xylopyrography to design your wood with a hot poker or burning kit. Of course you could do the age old art of xylotypographic print and use wooden blocks to print your business cards.

Every good wood store should have a xylotomous tool in order to cut or bore the wood and a xylometer to measure the specific gravity of your wood.  Make sure you keep your shop clear of xylophagous creatures so that they do not eat your wood, these creatures, like yourself are very xylophilous and love wood.  If you are out looking for new wood you would be using the xylomancy skill, examining wood found in your path.

Now if you read all this and understood the words, you probably have a xyloid in your pants right now.

By the way, if you think I am making these words up, think again.....here you go.

**Yes, another older post that I feel needed to make another appearance.

Whatever In The A To Z Challenge

OK, so I slacked a lot in this challenge and I missed V and W.....I have one thing to say...

Vocabulary In The A To Z Challenge

The countdown until the end of the A to Z Challenge is upon me and the light at the end of the long and winding tunnel is growing larger.  Will I do this again next year?  I'll cross that bridge when I get to it but for now we are now on the letter V.

One of my pet peeves or things I despise are people with bad vocabulary.  I'm not talking putting sentences in the right order or even speaking eloquently because God knows I don't do either.  I am talking about two things:


Let's start with the Texting/IM/Social Media words.  Now before I write about this I need to put a disclaimer in here:

I have fallen prey and plead guilty to using some of these words, phrases and/or letters....judge not, lest thee be judged thyself.


I did have to laugh out loud or LOL when I typed that last line, you see I use Firefox as my browser and it is set to auto spell check and out of the 22 "words" almost half are underlined in red.  In other words, they are not recognized in the dictionary or the English language.  You see them everywhere on text messages, instant messages, social media sites, online MMO games and now even musicians are calling themselves by them.

I understand some of them and encourage them because on an email or text message you can't always tell the emotion of the person sending them.  I will accept LOL, LMAO, and in some rare cases WTF.  I will not accept ROFL, because in all my life I have never rolled on the floor laughing and I grew up around some funny ass kids.  As for the rest of them, there is no reason you can't spell out what you are trying to say other than pure laziness.  Let's go over a few of these shall we?

WUT - first, you are only one letter shy of the full four, second, there is no U in WHAT!  Pure laziness.

IDK - alright, somewhat accepted especially in a text, but in an email?  Hell no!  Take the extra three seconds to type out I DON'T KNOW.

BFF - just stop OK?  I have a best friend too but I can also spell out BEST FRIEND FOREVER.

K - this one has absolutely no excuse, especially if you type KK.  Look down at your keyboard, the letter O is just above and slightly diagonal to the letter K, you can type OK.....

TXT - really?  All you did was leave the E out.  DMASS!

AWSUM - you might as well have just typed rad, it only has three letters and means the same.

BTW - by the way, it takes 1.5 seconds to type out the full three words.

OMG -  why even bother?

Those are just a few of the ones I despise.  Now there was a time when I played a MMORPG....gotcha there didn't I?  It means Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game.  I played Star Wars Galaxies...go figure huh?  Soon I will be playing Star Wars:  The Old Republic...once I decide it's worth the $15 a month to play.

Yeah..it sucks you in...
These gamers had a whole new language I had to learn and I kept having to ask What? whenever someone threw out a AFK (Away From Keyboard), BBL (Be Back Later),  RL (Real Life), PVP (Player vs. Player) or Noob ( New Player or Rookie).  Don't even get me started on the terminology they use when player either....camping doesn't mean pitching a tent in the woods in a video game and farming doesn't mean planting and harvesting corn.

Then there are the people who mess up words that sound the same...my librarian friends will applaud this one as I know it is their pet peeve as well.

There is a difference between there, they're and their as well as your and you're.  I'll let the following grphics do the explaining for me....and for fuck's sake DON'T use UR.....

See? if there is a chart, then there is proof.
Live it, love it, learn it!

For those who are more to the point.
And if you need a cartoon to help you.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Unfriend In The A To Z Challenge

The letter U in the A to Z Challenge.  Unbelievable, it's gone this far, I'm pretty sure I don't want to do this next year...we'll see.  So I started doing something lately that has made me uncomfortable doing, I've started unfriending people on Facebook.

Most of the time it's not because I despise them in person, it's because of what they post or how often they post or something like that.  I just unfriended someone today in fact and I'm sure I've been unfriended before too.  No worries, I like Facebook but I like something else for communicating called real life.  You should try it sometime, it's nice.

Unfriending someone today made me think of why and who I have been unfriending.  I have 654 friends on Facebook (on my personal account) and I can confidentially say that I actually know and have had contact with these people in the past or currently, but some of them have become, how would you say, ob-fucking-noxious.  Here's what I came up with for the unfriending frenzy as of late.

Posting pictures NO ONE cares about.

I get it, people take pictures more than ever, especially with their cell phones.  I'm guilty of it too but I don't think I am guilty posting pictures no one cares about.  You took your kid to the movies, now all of a sudden you have to take pictures of him/her in front of the Spiderman 2 movie poster or in front of Optimus Prime.  Who...the fuck...cares?  People go to the movies all the time, no one cares that you went to movies.  I take a shit three times a day, should I start posting my bowel movements?

My life sucks and everything is going wrong status updates.

How can I put this delicately....suck it up you attention grabbing whore!  Life isn't fair, no sir, not even close, but you don't have to updated you status on how bad your life sucks.  I know you're trying to get someone to swallow the hook and engage you with the "What's wrong?", "Awww, sorry hun, can I help?" and the ever famous "You're strong, you'll get through this."  Look, you can deal with the hangnail, sprained ankle, constipation, staying home at night or whatever you think is a life crisis on your own, I'm pretty sure of it.  Now if I saw a status saying that the knives are looking sharp, I MIGHT engage you.

The people who don't post anything 358 days a year until they go on vacation.

For 358 days a year we don't hear a peep out of you, maybe the occasional funny picture post or game request but nothing on a regular basis...until you and your dysfunctional family go on vacation.  Congratulations, you're going to Hampton Beach, Walla Walla, or Nazi-World, I mean Disney World.  We're glad you are able to take a vacation with the family, but shut - the - fuck - up about it.  You don't have to "check in" at every restaurant you go to, every mini golf course you play at or where you are on your road trip...just don't it's annoying.  Sure, post a few pictures from your trip and call it day but for shit's sake, why do you have to post every lobster you eat?  Again, I don't post a picture of every turd I drop....wait a minute...I might be onto something there, people post their meals, maybe I will start posting pictures of my post meals...hmmmm.

The I'm better than you are people.

This one is simple, we don't fucking care.  You're not better than me, him or her.  You're not better than anyone, so don't drown my newsfeed with the great deal you go by shopping online with Groupon, stop telling everyone how great of a mom you are because you made cupcakes with Mickey Fucking Mouse ears on them.  WHO GIVES A FLYING STEAMING PILE OF WOMBAT SHIT?  You are no better than anyone, in fact you're probably compensating for how bad you suck as a parent.

Ah, there, that's better, it's like going to a confession, just without the whole creepy, priest in the private box thing.