Thursday, April 17, 2014

Outta Control In The A To Z Challenge


If you don't get this, look down at your keyboard....numbnuts.
Today is the letter O in the A to Z Challenge.  Oh shit!  Oh no!  Oh crap!  Oh well!  Oh the horror!  Oh the humanity!  Oh, what the fuck.....

Today is a list day, a list of people, places and/or things that are..ready for it...Out Of Control.  Let's start in no particular order shall we?

Figures..this would have been easy A-Z.
The A to Z Challenge.  This god forsaken thing has taken over my life, it has consumed me like the Rancor consuming a Gamorrean Guard (There, fuck you Klopeck...if you're reading this).  I downloaded a calendar and made it my desktop image, I even went so far to attempt to come up with a theme.  I am thinking about what I am going to write about when I try to fall asleep.  I am asking my wife what I should write about for the next letter.  What the hell man?!?  Who would have thought this challenge would be so difficult.  The thing that makes me mad are some of the posts that others are doing.  I was reading one where she capitalized every letter of the day that was in a word...for example if it was D and she wrote "The Dog DeciDeD to take a Dump on DaviD's heaD."  Who has the time and energy to do that?  I'll be ready next year and it won't be so Out Of COntrOl.

It's Spring Fling...NOT Easter you little shit.
School systems that try to change things as not to offend some people.  Just stop would ya?  If you want to sing a song in school and it happens to have the word God in it and you feel it might offend someone, don't change the lyrics in it....don't sing the damn song.  The same goes for holidays.  Don't try to change Halloween into a Fall Festival Day or Easter into Spring Has Sprung Day and sure as shit don't change Christmas.  These holidays have been around a hell of a lot longer than you, your students, their dumbass parents and the crappy school you run.  Don't change, add!  Add other people's holidays, add Boxing Day, Chanukah and Kwanza.  Add the Lord's Evening Meal, Litha and Obon...whoa, where did I get those from? The way things are going I thought you were supposed to be teaching about diversity not being scared if you offend someone. Some schools are Out of Control.

Yay! Billy got 21st place!
Overbearing, tree hugging, everyone gets a trophy, granola farting parents.  Guess what?  Life isn't fair.  Period.  End of story.  The sooner you can relay that message to your kid, the better off they will be when they get older.  From the minute you are conceived things aren't fair.  You're cramped up in a tiny space for 9 months being fed nothing but a by product of someone else's food.  Think about it, for 9 months you are crammed in this space and no one says anything about how bad it is, but when a convicted criminal gets sent to solitary confinement, it's torture.  It's not fair when you pop out of the sperm shute either.  There is no getting comfortable, the nurses grab you and start weighing, pounding and tagging you like you were just captured in the wild for tracking purposes.  Life's not fair when you get older either, some people are smarter, cuter and more athletic than you.  That's why we have grades and a grading system, that's why we have different levels of sports, that's why we have different colleges you can go to.  We aren't clones from Lucas' movies, made to look alike, think alike and be the same...shit even the clones in the Clone Wars wore different armor and got haircuts and tattoos to make themselves different, they even had a rank system.....oh no!  These parents are Out of Control.

Oops....
People who drive in the lane that is being worked on and think they can get into your lane without a problem.  I had this happen to me today, I was driving to work and the left lane was going to be closed in two miles....TWO miles.  They gave everyone a TWO mile warning that they would not be able to drive in the left lane.  Speaking for myself when I see those signs I tend to get over to the lane you are supposed to be in so I don't have to deal with trying to cut in front of someone else.  Well two miles was cut into one mile and one mile was cut into a half mile.  These geniuses who were trying to fly past everyone to get ahead of the pack make no sense to me.  You had two miles to get into the right lane and now all of a sudden with a quarter of a mile left, you think I am going to be nice enough to let you in?  Fuck off shitbrick.  I will purposely close the gap in between myself and the car in front of me just so they can't get in.  You should have merged when you had a chance two miles ago fartknocker.  This is why there are traffic jams.  You people are Out of Control.
Stop!  In the name of love.

Crossing Guards.  I am blanketing the whole genre in this one.  There are either the "super elite" crossing guard or the "lazy ass" crossing guard.  Sure there are a handful of in between guards who actually do their job but for the most part it is these two classifications.  The "super elite" crossing guards think because they wear a fancy hat and wear and orange vest it turns them into a traffic cop.  I encounter one "super elite" crossing guard frequently.  She will yell at you if she thinks you are going to fast, point to the flashing 20 mph school sign and I've even seen her walk right out with her little red stop sign lollipop and force you to stop because she can.  This beast of a woman (reminds me of Roz from Monsters, Inc.) takes it to the extreme, I've seen actual police officers who are less likely to stop a vehicle than this *ahem* lady.  Then there are the "lazy ass" crossing guards who sit in their truck or car and don't move until there are a bunch of kids waiting to cross and then, only then, will they roll out of their vehicle and saunter over to let the kids cross.  Once 3:20 PM rolls around they are gone....thank the maker my kids take the bus to school.  Hey Roz, you are Out of Control.

So there you have my post for today starting with the letter O.  I suppose I could have gone on about the O face.
I'm going to show her my "O" face...sad thing is I worked with a guy like this.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Nintendo Entertainment System In The A TO Z Challenge


Ah video games, I don't care who you are you have to love at least one of them.  Pong, Adventure, whatever your favorite is there is one thing that goes unnoticed.  Yes, Atari and Collecovison paved the way for console video game systems but there is one that busted out and stayed strong...Nintendo.

The Nintendo Entertainment System, Super Nintendo, Nintendo 64, Gamecube, Wii, Gameboys, DS, we got it.  I'm kind of a nerd like that.

But let's focus on the NES today.  I tried telling the Minions that the games were way harder than the games they play now.  They didn't believe it so I proved it to them.  My original NES is long gone...a story for another time, so I ended up buying a "new" NES from one of my favorite nerd spots Never Grow Up.  Mint condition and works perfectly I went home and plugged it in.

I played the typical Super Mario Bros., Excitebike, Tetris games and then let the Minions try them.  I got the "This is easy Dad." comments all day long and then it was time for dinner.

"OK guys, pause the game and come to dinner."

"Let me save it."

"Save it?  You silly little bastard, there is no saving the game." (No I didn't call the Minions bastards).

"....."

I explained to them that "back in my day"  the games didn't save, if you wanted to attempt to beat a game you had to A. block out 10-12 hours or B. pause the game and shut the TV off and pray to God that your Dad didn't turn if off and watch 60 Minutes.

There was one direction you could go...to the right.  There was no going back if you missed the 1UP or the growth mushroom.  You were fucked.  It sunk in and they finally agreed that the video games I grew up with were harder to play than the ones now.

Oh, one last thing...it's Princess Toadstool NOT Princess Peach.  Deal with it.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

My Way Or Masturdating In The A To Z Challenge


Ok, fuck it, I'm done.  I thought it would be a great thing to have a theme during the A to Z Challenge but that's just not how my brain works.  My brain is very, extremely random and I can't limit it to just one particular theme.  So from here on out, the theme is kaput.  It's now my way A to Z Challenge, do you understand?  I will not bow down to your overlordship.  I will continue to do the Challenge because I believe it is jump starting my blogging fondness back up but no, I will not follow the theme.  I am a Jedi, like my father before me....or something like that.


Wow, that feels better.  I'm back bitches, no theme, no rules (except for the alphabet thing), it's on.  Now before I get in the the topic of Masturdating, I need to give credit where credit is due.  My friend Kelly, and yes she is a personal friend, not just a blogger friend, is participating in the torturous A to Z Challenge as well.  I am going to send you to her blog right now by clicking HERE.  Go on I will wait as always, I always wait.  She is really, really funny and she brings her funny to the blogosphere.  So, I'm piggy backing off of her Masturdating blog post.  You need to go read it first seriously, otherwise you will be lost....

Anyway, Masturdating.  The art of going out by yourself to a movie, dinner or any other event where you would bring a date.  Flying solo, masturdating.  I can honestly say I have never Masturdated...bated sure, what guy hasn't, you're in the shower and bang it goes off, who hasn't?  But Masturdating is totally different.

I mean, going to dinner alone?  Wow, la-who-ser.  Going to the carnival solo...creepy.  I mean who are you trying to win that big pink fluffy teddy bear for?

OK, now I need to come clean, I Masturdated last year when the Trophy was visiting her sister, she knew about it too and she was OK about it.  I went to the movies by myself to see The Wolverine, I got there, grabbed my popcorn and soda, paid my $57.00 and went into the theater.  I got there early like all old people do and grabbed my seat.  Other people entered the theater and of course out of all the empty seats, these teenagers decided to plant their asses next to me.  They were giggling and having...fun.  They kept looking over at me, not saying anything until the movie started.  That was the last and only time I Masturdated.  I was the creepy old guy at the movies.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Lady Products In The A To Z Challenge

Sometimes, you have to dig back in the archives to come up with something that fits into Adulthood...


Once I again I found myself racking my brain today, searching for something to write about for the letter of the day.  For those of you keeping score today's letter is the letter L.  I can only imagine that some people who are reading this would say, "Kevin, you're full of shit, all you have to do is pick something that starts with the letter of that day and write about it."  Au contraire my little minion, it is not that simple for someone like me.  If you were able to crawl into what people call my brain, you will find a complex working mechanism of such magnitude you wouldn't be able to comprehend what is going on....in other words, my musing of certain topics has to strike me and it needs to be something I find interesting.  I can't just choose something like a Lion, Linkedin, Lowes, Lady Gaga or LL Bean.  It needs to make me stop and think, "Huh, that would be something to spread my brain droppings on."

So, as I was saying, I was having a hell of a time coming up with anything worth while to write about and then it hit me, mid-stream, taking a leak.  Staring me in the face a mountain of super absorbent Lady Products.

Mount Leaky Cauldron.

Holy shit!  Do you guys really leak that bad?  There's tampons, pads, super pads, panty liners and on and on.  Thank the maker I have three boys, I don't know what I would do if there was another girl in the house...well I take that back, there are three girls in the house but two of them are covered in fur.  Obviously my wife had gone shopping and stocked up.....I hope....I try to avoid the topic when the moon rises above the misty clouds and the planets line up once a month.  I was curious now, why so many different items to, um, er, use on your chooch?  So I took a closer look.....

The same instructions were on my BB gun.

What the fuck is that?  1. Ready 2.Click 3.Go!?????  What the hell are you doing?  It looks like arming one of those dart guns you see the Aborigines running around with, does it really shoot up there?  Also....full size protection, only CUTER?  No offense to the ladies, but what is so cute about a Vampire's teabag?  Oh look....there's a website...let's take a look shall we?

O_o (it called for one of those emoticons)  I am at a loss for words, this one website should have a warning on it saying "If you have a penis, go the fuck away!"  I'll leave the looking up to you, but again THANK THE MAKER, I DON'T HAVE A GIRL!  Did you know there is a Tampax Training Camp?  You do now!  This website eliminates the whole mom/daughter talk.....

Yeah, I didn't even want to know about waxing.
Whoa....and I thought men's razors were complicated...you guys have a razor for every part of your body part you shave.  Legs, armpits, bikini area.....there's a separate razor for all of them???  No wonder I'm broke.

I had to look elsewhere in the bathroom, areas I never venture to.  You see we have two medicine cabinets and two sets of drawers, you know, his and hers.  I opened up her medicine cabinet, nothing out of the ordinary, I opened her set of drawers, nothing major, then I looked under the sink.....

Like I said, she owns stock in Bath and Body Works.....

With the exception of the Suave 2 in 1 shampoo (which we use for the boys) my wife owns stock in the Bath and Body Works Company.  Every scent imaginable, peach, apple, mango, cucumber melon, some hippie stink, sweet pea.....and on and on and on.  I think I am going to go to the mall and see if I can purchase one of those aprons they wear at the Bath and Body Works and give it to my wife.  She probably has more product knowledge than those who work there.

What does this stink like?  Cow patties and hay?
 Now, before anyone calls me an asshole or a dick for exploiting my wife's products, I asked her straight up for permission before I did this post, she said no problem...and that my friends is why I love her.

***Yes, another blast from the past...sue me.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Kids In The A To Z Challenge


Yeah, I'm copping out on this one...first it's a day late and second we've been balls to the walls with birthday parties and Cub Scout events this weekend, so the letter K is for Kids which is my excuse and a very good one, especially if you have more than one...you know...


Friday, April 11, 2014

Junk In The A To Z Challenge


Junk, the final frontier..or something like that.  Today is the letter J in the A to Z Challenge and I chose junk for the journey into Adulthood.  When I was younger I grew up with junk in our yard.  No it wasn't a junk yard but my Dad collected stuff over the years.  We had a car frame, old lawn mowers and other random things that my Dad thought he should keep...just in case.  Growing up I was a minimalist because I didn't want to be the junk guy when I got older.  Quick story, picture this...Christmas 1997, we had family over for Christmas dinner and were in the middle of prepping, that's when it happened.

The faucet in the kitchen broke.  Like it fell the fuck off and water was spraying out of the cold water handle.  After scrambling to shut to water off, my Dad made an announcement.

"I'll be right back, I'm going to fix the sink."

And with that he put his coat and boots on and headed off into the woods.  Now to a normal person, this would seem very, very odd, but to anyone who knew my Dad, you wouldn't think twice, so we all sat in the living room and waited.  All of a sudden the front door opens and in walks in my Dad...empty handed.

"Someone stole my good sink I had in the woods, but that's OK because I found my other sink and here's a handle for the kitchen sink."

Yup, because of and old sink laying in the woods, my Dad saved Christmas like some sort of Sanford and Sons Santa Claus.

I told you that story to tell you that as the years have gone on, I have changed and am starting to turn into my Dad.  No, I'm not going to save Christmas by going into the woods and getting a sink handle, but if anyone needs a brad new 1989 Panasonic word processor...I'm your man.


Thursday, April 10, 2014

Infomercials In The A To Z Challenge


It's funny how things change as you get deeper in Adulthood.  Cars, bravery, your body and TV.  Yes, TV.  Letter I today is about infomercials  You know those annoying 30 minute long commercials where the spokesman yells at you to buy his item?  They show you how the product is used, what you can do with the product, how durable the product is and then they end with the classic "act now and we'll double your order and throw in the super penis pump for free!  All you do is pay processing and handling."  Of course there's the big disclaimer, NOT SOLD IN STORES!  Then you go to Walmart and they have a section dedicated to "As Seen On TV" items.

I don't understand why anyone would purchase these items...well at least I didn't understand.  Whenever these came on, usually late at night, when I was younger, my friends and I would laugh our asses off and mock them.  We would wonder why anyone would want to spend their hard earned money on the "Super No Stick Egg Pan" and who came up with these stupid ideas.  Then I entered Adulthood.  As I watch these infomercials I think to myself, "Hey, I could use that (fill in the blank) around the house, it would be really handy.

Here are a few items that I have purchased or am contemplating purchasing from infomercials:


The Magic Bullet.  I have this item.  I bought it with the hopes that it could do all of what was advertised and then some.  This thing looked like a much needed kitchen device, you could make juice, chop veggies anything.  You could shove all of your food that would make a complete turkey dinner in there and make a smoothie!  Not so much, it works decent for mixed drinks but that's about it.


Flex Seal.  I HAVE to have this product.  From what I can see you can seal anything, hell they sealed a screen door and made a boat out of it.  This is amazing!  You can seal up a planter, fix your roof, seal your gutters.  I mean the commercial speaks for itself, I can use this anywhere around my house, the problem is the only place I would need it is on the roof, and I would have to buy a shit-ton cans of this stuff, but the good news is, I can double my offer!


The Pocket Hose.  Holy crap on a cracker!  I don't have to lug the stupid black hose around anymore?  That is awesome!  That is great!  That would be worth getting if I cared to water my lawn...



Stufz and The Perfect Bacon Bowl.  Holy fuck!  Two of my favorite things, bacon and burgers...not just burgers but stuffed burgers!  I WANT this, I need this, I crave these.  Now to convince the Trophy.

I think I should come up with my own infomercial...hmmmm....


Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Hell On Wheels In The A To Z Challenge


Ah the letter H, and here it is 9:00 PM on Wednesday, I'm a little behind the time but hey, I'm still doing the challenge.

Hell on wheels.  Yeah not so much any more.  I told you all about cars and how they change as you go into Adulthood.  Now it's time to tell you how driving changes as you venture further into Adulthood.  When I first got my license it was pedal to the metal everywhere I went.  Always speeding, always burning out and constantly getting pulled over.  The good news was my Dad was kind of a celebrity in my hometown so I got out of a lot of shit.  I was always breaking my car and having to repair it.  My mechanic loved me.


I was always getting yelled at by neighbors and others for going to fast down the road.  I just didn't care, I had a car to cruise around in.  Then I got older.

Now I pretty much obey the speed limit...mostly, in Massachusetts the speed limit is a suggestion more than a law so 10 miles above it, you tend not to get bothered.  I don't peel out anymore unless it is snowing and I just don't beat the shit out of my vehicles anymore.  I can't afford them.  Period.

Just the other day, I turned into one of my neighbors and I actually yelled at a teenager who was driving too fast in my neighborhood.  Dammit, I'm old.


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Gonads In The A To Z Challenge


The letter G on a rainy Tuesday of the A to Z April Challenge.  This is getting tougher, especially when I have a theme to follow.  I thought about what to do for Adulthood that starts with G.  Growing up?  Nah too easy.  Growing old?  Done that.  Girls?  I've got three male Minions.  Let's go off the chart and talk about Gonads.

Yes, gonads or balls, guts, testicular fortitude, whatever you want to call it, gonads change both physically and emotionally.  No, I'm not going to tell you about gonads hanging too low in the toilet water when taking a dump, I'm talking about "You've got some serious gonads to attempt to do that" gonads.


As I venture on into Adulthood I find myself becoming less and less brave.  There's reasons for this, the first is that my body just isn't what it used to be.  Yes, I've gained weight but I've always have been fluffy, what I'm saying is my joints and bones are not quite a forgiving as they were 15 years ago.  Now I will assess the situation to make sure I'm not going to hurt myself before I do it.  In the past, head first down a natural rock formation water slide was no worry for me, I had gonads.

Here's a perfect story about how having gonads changes as you get into Adulthood.  The other day Minion #2 and myself went for a hike in a local state park in town.  This isn't out of the norm for us, we love hiking and it was a beautiful spring day.  The state park we went too was flooded into the middle of the parking lot like it is almost every spring, they release the dam and the water shed flows down the river, etc.  We went to check it out first and #2 said, "That would be awesome to go kayaking in, you could kayak all around the campground."  You know what, he had a valid point...until I assessed the situation.

The me of the past would have scooped him up, driving home, loaded the kayak, driving back to the park, strapped him ONTO the kayak with me paddling and would have spent the day exploring the park that is flooded.  But, as I looked at the flooded area, I thought about stumps, beavers, fallen trees, fast flowing water, ice chunks and more, so I quickly deemed it unsafe and #2 looked at me like, "Can you go home and get your balls off the shelf so we can do something?"

We originally came to go hiking, so away we went down one of our favorite trails.  We came to the second of two bridges and noticed it was 1/2 under water, not too deep but it was under water none-the-less.  We started to cross it until I realized that as we put weight on it, the water got deeper.  Again, the me of old would have trudged through the water on the bridge and kept going, but I didn't want wet feet.  I'm such a pussy lately...

Minion #2 noticed there was a short log across the stream we could use to cross, so against my better judgement we did...because after assessing the situation, it looked safe and it was, we crossed no problem but then we had to climb the snow covered hill in front of us.  At this point I told #2, we should turn around because he would slip and fall down the big hill and somehow, he convinced me otherwise.  So up the hill we went, slipping and trudging until we came to the path.  Whew, we made it fairly safe and dry.

Now comes the fun part, as we hiked down the path we noticed it was partially covered in ice from the snow melting and re freezing.  Again I stopped and told him we need to turn back but as I turned around I remembered the hill we just climbed and thought of falling down it, so again, after assessing the situation, we schlepped on.  I will admit it, I was very nervous because of the ice and the long way down.  Minion #2 on the other hand had gonads, we was slipping and falling, sliding and catching himself along the path, while me, the Ball-less Wonder took baby steps and freezing in place in some cases.  15 years ago, eh fuck it!  Let's go!

We it happened.  I slipped on the ice and slid down the mountain and sure enough, I have the injuries to prove it.  No broken bones, but some serious bruising and a damaged ego.  In the past I would have laughed it off and brushed myself off, but now, I continued, limping and whining the whole time.  Now I know why I put my gonads up on the shelf.


Monday, April 7, 2014

Fun In The A To Z Challenge


Ah the letter F in the April A to Z Challenge.  You'd think that this letter would have been one of my favorite subjects and super powers...farting, but nah, I've already done that.  In fact you can ready about it HERE and you can read more bathroom humor HERE (which by the way was published in a book).  Yeah, I could have gone on and on about farting in Adulthood, but instead I touch base on fun.  That's right fun.  So far I've been saying that venturing further into Adulthood isn't fun, well I'm taking it back, it is fun, just fun in a different way.

We you are younger fun meant different things, as a child fun was anything really, you could make a game out of a stick and a leaf.  You spent your time having fun, for the most part.  When you hit teenage years it's a little different but the fun is still there.  Then you get the magic age bracket and you're still having fun, just in a different way.

When I was 21, fun meant hanging out with friends on Friday and Saturday nights, drinking some beers and shooting pool.  Or it could have meant taking your girlfriend out for a fancy Ponderosa buffet dinner in hopes that the all you can eat chicken wings meant you were getting lucky that night.  Maybe a movie was in order or just driving around aimlessly.  Even after I got married, that kind of fun was still there but now...

Hanging out with friends now means going over their house or vice versa with your kids and drinking coffee talking about your latest doctor appointments or the great deal you got at Target.  You chat about the kid's teachers and the after curricular activities they are in.  IF and that's a big IF you drink some beer you have one or two and announce that you shouldn't have anymore because the kids get up early and you have to leave in about 45 minutes.  BUT, it is still fun, because you get adult conversation.

Now taking the Trophy on a date is not an option really, alone anyway.  If it's a date it usually means having the Minions in tow and getting dirty looks for having an adult beverage at dinner with your kids around.  The restaurants are different now, basically anything with a kids menu.  Oh and getting lucky?  Forget it, by the time you get home, chase the Minions into the shower and get them in bed, you're exhausted, BUT it's fun, just in a different way.

Movies take on a whole new meaning now.  First, if you go to the movies, it's not on your terms.  You need to go to the matinee to avoid giving your first born up for a down payment on tickets and it's not a movie you choose to see, it's based off the Minions' choices.  Dragons, Legos, Muppets, Captain America (actually I can't complain about that one), it's not what you necessarily want to see.  The movie snacks are different now too, instead of going to the movie and buying a popcorn and two sodas, it's now sneaking in Dollar Store snacks and sharing a large Diet Coke.  If I got a bonus, we could share a popcorn too.  BUT, it's still fun, you get to spend time with the family.

Don't even bring up driving around aimlessly anymore...do you know how much gas is?  We have mouths to feed and clothes to buy!

Anyway, getting further into Adulthood doesn't always mean it isn't fun, it's just a different kind of fun.