Monday, March 9, 2015

Two Thongs Don't Make A Right

If you live anywhere remotely close to New England you are aware of the frozen tundra we have endured this winter.  If you are not near here, it is the new Siberia.  This winter has been brutal but there is a glimmer of hope this week.  We are supposed to reach the 40s!  Compared to the non-existent temperatures we've had, it's a freaking heat wave.  It brings thoughts of summer, warmer weather and the beach.  Who doesn't love going to the beach in the summer?

Me, that's who.

Before you click the X in the upper right corner let me explain.  I do go to the beach, it's in the Dad contract I signed when Minion #1 barreled out but just because I go doesn't mean I have to enjoy it.  There are many reasons why I don't enjoy the beach, especially New England beaches, I've been to some really nice beaches in the Caribbean and those aren't too bad but they still have the same issues.

It's fucking loud.  There's no way around it, it's a very loud environment.  Between the waves, the wind, kids screaming, the seagulls and Studley Wondermuffin blasting Pour Some Sugar on Me, it's on overload of the hearing sense.  Don't get me wrong I love me some Def Leppard but I also like to relax in a little quiet.  Turn it down asshat.

It's down right gross and nasty.  Look up, there's fucking pterodactyls flying around ready to dive bomb you and take a shit on your shoulder.  You're sitting in what essentially cats use as their toilet and the sand gets everywhere.  The sand gets into crevices that you didn't even know you had.  I'm still pulling sand out of my belly button from the last time I went to the beach.  You go into the water to "rinse" off and you come out tasting like a dry roasted peanut.  Of course, because it's an open area, people think it's perfectly fine to smoke.  Mmmmm, let me choke some of that down along with my seaweed salad.

The ocean is full of mystery and danger.  You're sitting in the litter box when the Minions want to go into the ocean.  You can't say no so reluctantly you head in.  First the water is 50 degrees in the middle of August and your testicles crawl up and sit on your shoulder giving you the "What the fuck?' look.  Your first step in you step in seaweed and get icky toes.  I despise icky toes.  You don't know whats lurking under the seaweed, there could be some crab waiting to pinch your pinky toe off.  While on land, you swear you saw a shark eating a seal, so there's that.  I've seen Jaws, I don't want to live it.  Salt is good for french fries not your body.  After gulping down several waves and feeling like someone coated you in double sided tape, you've had enough.  As you try to wade your fat ass out of the water a wave comes and knocks you over, you recover and see your bathing suit floating nearby.  The ocean is a bully and there's no place for bullies.

It puts the sand in sandwich.  I don't think I have to delve too much into this one, but it's impossible to enjoy lunch at the beach.  Sand every-fucking-where.  You might as well take your Subway and roll it in the parking lot, pour some water on it and then douse it with 1/2 gallon of salt.

You need to pack enough shit to last an overnight.  When I was younger I would go to the beach with just a towel and my bathing suit.  Simple.  Now you need to bring three Beach Buggies full of sand toys, two coolers of food, an extra change of clothes, chairs, an umbrella and don't forget the sunscreen,  It's a planning nightmare, it's easier to pack for a week at camp than it is for the beach.

Speaking of doesn't matter if you have some or not, inevitably you're going to miss that one 6" X 6" spot somewhere on your body.  It could be your back, your leg or even your chest and then you burn like a the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.  True story, last year I went to the beach with the family, I slathered myself in sunscreen and promptly fell asleep in my chair (I had my iPod and ear buds in to block the noise).  Instead of waking me to flip me like a pancake, the family lets me rest.  I wake up feeling refreshed but looking like Two Face from Batman.  The right side of everything was burnt, despite the liberal amount of sunscreen I put on.  All I needed was a coin to flip.

Kids.  Way too many kids at the beach.  As you know I don't dislike kids, I have three of them (they're up for sale if you want them) but dammit, there's too many kids doing stupid things at the beach.  They run by you flicking sand all over you, they cry and scream when their sandcastle gets washed away and they fly kites.  Kite flying should be banned from beaches, the kids run along the beach dragging their Spongebob kite behind them, while the kite is bouncing back and forth hitting people and impaling them with the wooden dowels.  Once they finally get it in the air, they have no control of it, it dips and bobs and then divebombs you, eventually crashing down next to you.  It's like a game of Lawn Darts, one good hit to the cranium and you're done.

There you go, now you know why I despise the beach.  I know, I'm not fun anymore, but I blame the Minions for that.


  1. Well, I'm a covert. DOWN WITH THE BEACH! The ocean has death: sharks, kraken, whale poop, fish pee. It's gross. And the jackass people who openly play their music with complete disregard for others, then they litter, then other people don't understand the concept of personal space. Yeah, no more beach.

    1. I totally forgot about the Kraken...down with the beach!

  2. Megan lost her bathing suit bottoms at Hampton Beach!!

    1. That's pretty funny...shall I bring it up next time I see her?

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. This is hilarious-I love the beach in theory but you're right, all that real life crap gets in the way!!!

  5. I used to feel the same way as you, until I moved to the east coast. Now I live 6 miles from the ocean. I love it now, because I don't have to drive 2 hours home with sand up my crack. I can live with it for 20 minutes. This post was hilarious!!!

  6. I really like you post good blog,Thanks for your sharing.


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