Monday, December 3, 2012

Day 3: Here We Come A Wassailing

Huh, would you look at that?  I guess I wassailed yesterday.  For those who don't know it is caroling and then partaking in a beverage later.  I always wondered what the hell wassailing was, but now I know and knowing is half the battle...G.I. Joe.

Yesterday was a scene out of How the Grinch Stole Christmas for me and I played the part of the Grinch.  We can fast forward through the stealing of the presents from the Whos in Whoville and beating the shit out of the dog and get to the part where his heart grew three sizes, or whatever Dr. Seuss says it grew, and you have me.

Just to recap, I'm the Cubmaster for the local Cub Scout Pack here in town, yes they trust me with children and yesterday we did a hayride around town and sang Christmas carols to some senior residents who can't get out or don't have any family.  From my previous three posts, you know I am not a huge fan of the holidays but yesterday did something to me.

You could be in the Girnchiest of moods but the fact remains that twenty or so Cub Scouts and siblings singing Christmas carols to people in senior housing and assisted living will in fact warm the cockles of your heart and yes I did just use the word cockles.  The only issue is there are a few Christmas carols that I absolutely despise so I had to pick four songs that were not annoying.  We sang Jingle Bells, Deck the Halls, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and We Wish You A Merry Christmas, which by the way is a pretty upfront song and could be seen as threatening, demanding figgy pudding and not leaving until you get some.

Just like every other place in the country, we have a couple of radio stations who, starting the week of Thanksgiving play nothing but Christmas  This isn't necessarily a bad thing but the problem is there are only about eighteen Christmas carols and a hundred different versions.  One can only hear Silent Night so many times.
I base my Christmas carol listening around two things, first I NEED to hear Santa Claus is Coming to Town, but it has to be the Bruce Springsteen version.  Nothing says Merry Christmas like The Boss belting that song out.  The second thing is, I will stop listening to Christmas carols the millisecond I hear (add this to my list of things I HATE, which isn't very long) Dominic the Christmas Donkey.  I...fucking...HATE...that song.  Any glimmer of holiday cheer I may have had is wiped out in a flash once that song is played and I hear it.  You know the saying "...every time a bells rings an angel get its wings."?  Well every time that song is played a midget is kicked in the junk.
Don't let Gonads near this beast...
I have dodged the bullet for over a year now, I successfully missed hearing the jackass song last year and so far, three days into December, I have not heard it yet.  There are other Christmas songs that make my eye twitch too but the fucking donkey song is the worst.  I try not to do lists but here are my Top 5 Annoying Christmas Songs.  I am leaving jackass off of it because it goes with out saying.

5.  Christmas Shoes.  This isn't a bad song at all...if you want to turn into a sniveling, bawling mess.  I understand that we need to see the "true meaning" of Christmas but holy shit!  I thought Christmas was supposed to be cheery, upbeat and make everyone happy.  This songs will turn even the most medicated person depressed. 

4.  I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.  You whore!  You slut!  Oh wait, that's right, it was probably Dad dressed up like Santa.  I know you shouldn't read too much into a song and just enjoy it but, one thought though, maybe you should be a little more aware that your kid is roaming around the house in the middle of the night than fulfilling some sort of weird fat man in a red suit fetish.

3.  Baby It's Cold Outside.  Dude and Dudette...get a room you voyeurs!  Although it doesn't come right out and say it, they are dropping hints about extramarital affairs.  Horny bastards, obviously they don't have kids or maybe they are hiding from them and their spouses....the chick in the song is spreading more that holiday cheer, if you know what I mean.

2.  Santa Baby.  You can look at Santa many different ways, a closet pedophile, a fat jolly elf or a sweatshop owner, but not many people think of him as a "baby".  Besides seeing him as a baby, what about Mrs. Claus you selfish slut?  Santa's married and you are trying to seduce him with promises of sexual favors for materialistic items, I don't know where you're from but here in America we call that hooker.

1.  I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas.  This one teeters on the fence and could fall over to the Jackass Song with one simple push.  What the fajita kind of song is this?  When i was a kid I wanted many things for Christmas, a puppy, Star Wars toys, a bike but not once did I ever look in the mirror and say, "Hey you know what?  I want a hippo for Christmas."  Beside being a dumbass song, it's got that whole overly sickening sweetness to it.

Speaking of dumbasses, I may have to write another letter to the fat man from the North Pole.  The defective Elf he sent to watch over my Minions decided to drop a stink pickle in my toilet last night and not flush.  This thing just ain't right in the head.

Gonads left a floater!


  1. Made me laugh! I agree completely with your list. Your Elf is disgusting. He must have learned his flushing habits from my boys.

  2. Replies
    1. I did and it was really good! I like the play list for most of it.

    2. And the related post from last week- three of the songs you listed are on it. We should cohost "Fuck Christmas" parties together.

    3. I would like to co-host, too please.

  3. I love that you quoted GI Joe. I quote the same line all the time!

    Christmas caroling to our seasoned citizens - you rock.

    The elf was quite hilarious.

  4. I want to get rid of a hippo for Christmas, so I'll dump it on anyone I hear singing that song.

  5. I agree with the list of songs! And how can such a big turd come out of such a tiny elf? Something's fishy here! You trying to pull a fast one on us? Everyone knows that elves don't poop in human sized toilets!

  6. Note to self: Do not read this blog before eating lunch. Granted, it's a late lunch today. lol Funny elf pic though. I hate that Donkey song too. I'd never heard it before I moved to Jersey. I hate the dog barking one and the damn Grandma getting run over song too. But the Springsteen song? Cool. "Santa's gonna bring Clarence a brand new saxophone..HO HO HO!" haha Love that.

    1. Relax, it was a chewed up Tootsie Roll :-). I may not have many limits but I do have some. I wouldn't post real fecal matter in my blog. There are a ton of annoying songs out there.

      You've never heard Springsteen's version?

  7. Looks like your Elf is getting plenty of fiber in his diet. I'll be baaack...

    1. I need to find out what the little bastard was eating.