Just to recap, I'm the Cubmaster for the local Cub Scout Pack here in town, yes they trust me with children and yesterday we did a hayride around town and sang Christmas carols to some senior residents who can't get out or don't have any family. From my previous three posts, you know I am not a huge fan of the holidays but yesterday did something to me.
You could be in the Girnchiest of moods but the fact remains that twenty or so Cub Scouts and siblings singing Christmas carols to people in senior housing and assisted living will in fact warm the cockles of your heart and yes I did just use the word cockles. The only issue is there are a few Christmas carols that I absolutely despise so I had to pick four songs that were not annoying. We sang Jingle Bells, Deck the Halls, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and We Wish You A Merry Christmas, which by the way is a pretty upfront song and could be seen as threatening, demanding figgy pudding and not leaving until you get some.
Just like every other place in the country, we have a couple of radio stations who, starting the week of Thanksgiving play nothing but Christmas carols...all...day...long. This isn't necessarily a bad thing but the problem is there are only about eighteen Christmas carols and a hundred different versions. One can only hear Silent Night so many times.
|Don't let Gonads near this beast...|
5. Christmas Shoes. This isn't a bad song at all...if you want to turn into a sniveling, bawling mess. I understand that we need to see the "true meaning" of Christmas but holy shit! I thought Christmas was supposed to be cheery, upbeat and make everyone happy. This songs will turn even the most medicated person depressed.
4. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. You whore! You slut! Oh wait, that's right, it was probably Dad dressed up like Santa. I know you shouldn't read too much into a song and just enjoy it but, one thought though, maybe you should be a little more aware that your kid is roaming around the house in the middle of the night than fulfilling some sort of weird fat man in a red suit fetish.
3. Baby It's Cold Outside. Dude and Dudette...get a room you voyeurs! Although it doesn't come right out and say it, they are dropping hints about extramarital affairs. Horny bastards, obviously they don't have kids or maybe they are hiding from them and their spouses....the chick in the song is spreading more that holiday cheer, if you know what I mean.
2. Santa Baby. You can look at Santa many different ways, a closet pedophile, a fat jolly elf or a sweatshop owner, but not many people think of him as a "baby". Besides seeing him as a baby, what about Mrs. Claus you selfish slut? Santa's married and you are trying to seduce him with promises of sexual favors for materialistic items, I don't know where you're from but here in America we call that prostitution...you hooker.
1. I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas. This one teeters on the fence and could fall over to the Jackass Song with one simple push. What the fajita kind of song is this? When i was a kid I wanted many things for Christmas, a puppy, Star Wars toys, a bike but not once did I ever look in the mirror and say, "Hey you know what? I want a hippo for Christmas." Beside being a dumbass song, it's got that whole overly sickening sweetness to it.
Speaking of dumbasses, I may have to write another letter to the fat man from the North Pole. The defective Elf he sent to watch over my Minions decided to drop a stink pickle in my toilet last night and not flush. This thing just ain't right in the head.
|Gonads left a floater!|