Saturday, December 1, 2012

Day 1: I Have A Confession

Fa la la la la fucking la la la.

Today starts my 25 Days of Posting that I warned you about HERE, but if you are too lazy to click on the HERE, let me bring you up to speed.  I can be a Scrooge, Grinch and Heat Miser all rolled into one when it comes to the holidays and especially this year (if I have to explain one more time I'm gonna fling poo at you).  So I basically decided to challenge myself for the next 25 days or until Christmas Day, whichever comes first, to write a post about the holidays.

You maybe asking why? right now.  Well it's simple...

1.  I need something to distract me from all the "merriness".
2.  I want to push myself a little harder on my blog writing.

Now with that being said, I have a confession to make to everyone, well several confessions actually but I will start with one for now.  I have dropped subtle hints the past few days via Twitter, Facebook and even here in the blogosphere that I have a distinct jealousy driven desire against the Elf Woman* and her fan-fucking-tastic post about a certain Elf on a Shelf that went viral almost as quick as that little snot nosed kid in Poland and her school lunches.  I will give her the satisfaction of directing you to that post only once in these 25 days HERE.  Remember, every time an Elf gets put on a shelf, her post gets 300 more hits.

* credit once again given to M_d M_m B_y_nd _nd__D_m

Yes, at first I thought that was a really funny post and shared it like every other mindless sheep on Fakebook.  Then my jealousy and despising took over.  No, that was not the confession.  The confession is...

We have one of those Elf on a Shelf things and we use it.  God, that pained me just to type that.  Before I go any further, that post did not make the Elf famous, hell it's not even that new.  I had one when back in the 80's, granted my parents never moved it around and made it magical for me but it sat there on my book case, staring it's creepy little eyes deep into my soul.  It's just been commercialized, much like Christmas itself.

So, yeah we have an Elf on the Shelf and use it like I said.  The Minions even named it Tylone.  I have no clue where that name came from but that's the one that is written in the book.  I on the other hand call him Gonads.  The Trophy pulled Gonads out of the attic the Saturday after Thanksgiving and set him up keeping watch over the older Minion's bedrooms.  Each night she has moved it to a new location faithfully but I'm sure, much like the year before, she'll slip up and forget to move him one night after having too many glasses of wine.  We'll have to come up with some story about how Santa was pissed at him because he took an upper decker in our neighbor's toilet and made him stay in the same spot for two nights in a row.

Now that I have come clean on that, before you judge me any further (judge not, lest thee be kicked in the junk) we are not, I repeat, are not the parents who tell the whole world via social media, that their Elf was naughty because he wrote on the bathroom mirror the night before or that their Elf was a good Elf and picked up Leroy's mess he left at the kitchen table.  Also, we do not consider ourselves bad parents if the Elf "forgets" to move to a different perch in the house.  The Minions enjoy trying to find Gonads each morning, so I can't really be too spiteful of that thing, but...

Today Gonads starts a new adventure.  A 25 day long adventure and the best thing is, he doesn't even have leave our house.  Welcome to Go Elf Yourself or Elf'd Afer Dark, I'm not sure which one I will use yet, maybe you can vote for your favorite in the comments.  I have hired a paparazzi to follow Gonads around and take pictures of this little fucker so that I can expose him like the fake elf that he is.

I know, I know, I'm a day late as usual, there's a website out there that is dedicated to "shaming the Elf" but hey what can I do?

Look, I know, many other people's elves have drinking problems too, but this fucker is hitting it hard.  This Jim Beam was almost ten years old.


  1. I've been curious about the elf. Do your kids really believe that the elf is sentient, or are they just playing along? I can't imagine anyone really falling for it.

    1. Eh, they enjoy looking for it in the morning and #2 believe he watches them, so I guess it's more of a game.

  2. I could party with that elf if he's buying. lol I hope he can hold his liquor though. We don't want to have to deal with cleaning up elf chunks, do we?

  3. Sadly, I can remember my gramma having one of these elves when I was a kid - back in the 70's. If gramma had it, then it was probably old because she never throws anything away. Actually, I know it was old because the painted on brown hair was worn off