Sunday, December 2, 2012

Day 2: Dear Santa...


Dude Write
I'm submitting this for Dude Write this week!

I'm submitting this post for Dude Write this week, if you enjoy Day 2, check out the rest of the Days I'm doing.  While you are checking things out, go to Dude Write and check out the awesome Dude bloggers.


I've stated it before but I am not a jolly ol' elf at all when it comes to Christmas, sure I have the build to be one, my belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly, my nose gets read when I drink and I am boisterous but far from jolly.  I'm just not a big fan of Christmas.


One thing we do here in the Thought household is write letters to Santa, well the Minions write the letters with their wishlists.  I got to thinking, why can't I write a letter to the old bastard and ask him for things too?

Dear Freakishly Close To Being A Pedophile Guy In The Red Suit,

I don't want to lie, I haven't been very good this year, but I figure if I start off by telling you the truth I could score some brownie points.  On second thought, maybe I shouldn't have started my letter with what I called you...

I have a question for you.  How can you stay fat all year long?  I gained thirteen pounds since summer and I feel like a bloated moose who hasn't shit in three days.  I hope you get some exercise in the off season, which by the way is complete bullshit that you work one night a year and get the other 364 days off.  What do you do in your off time?  I mean let's face it, you're not the one who actually makes the toys, so what do you really do?

Speaking of your help, I've been concerned about your elves, especially in this day and age with all the freakazoids out there, did you even CORI check all of them?  I know you usually have two or three flying around with you on your big drop off night and as a parent, I'm not sure I feel entirely comfortable with you busting down my chimney with three midget rapists in tow.  For all I know they could be working for a drug cartel and they traffic the drugs through innocent people's houses but I guess it's better than leaving them on the roof top to perform beastiality on Vixen and Blitzen, PETA would be pissed!  Have you seen the billboards they put up for Thanksgiving?

On the topic of your reindeer, how did you come up with the names?  They sound like stage names of day-shifters at the local strip club, except for Prancer.  Does he bat for the other team by any chance?  Not that there's anything wrong with that, but you might want to make him be up front if you catch my drift.

Well I've done enough small talk, let's get down to business, I have a small list of things I would like have arrive on Christmas morning or earlier if possible.  Remember, I control what the Minions give you for your snack upon breaking and entering into my house, so if you want to avoid the possibility of some Ex-Lax mixed in with the chocolate chips, you might want to prioritize my list.  I onlty have five items so it should be easy.

 1.  Moose mugs. Just like the ones in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, they would be cool to drink beer out of.
2.  An X-Box 360.  But not just a regular X-Box 360, the Star Wars edition of course.  I need a video game system where the most heroic character isn't a plumber.  I want to blow shit up!

3.  Episode VII not to suck.  I know Disney has more power than you, but can you maybe pull some strings and make it so it doesn't suck?

4.  To teach my Minions my secret power successfully.

 5.  I want my blog to go viral.  I know it's selfish but I figured if the Elf Woman* could do it and that snot nosed brat from Poland could do it, maybe you could push it through for me.

In closing, you may really want to look closely at these five items because you know that Elf on a Shelf that you sent us to spy on the Minions?  Ours needs to be replaced soon, the first night I caught the bastard drinking Jim Beam and last night, well let's just say lock up your reindeer and you better get me a new Elf and soon.


Yours in Holiday Spirit,

Kevin

18 comments:

  1. Oh I hate Christmas. Not only does a morbidly obese man continually commit a felony by breaking and entering into my home, he then continues his obnoxious behaviour by call me a ho...three times, before then laughing raucously in my face. Well let's see if Santa will be "ho ho hoing", after looking down the barrel of a 12 gauge shotgun.

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  2. This was hilarious! Now you have me pissed at him for the ho ho hoing too Lily, maybe I'll just slap the shit out of the next one that rings that damn bell at me when I go to the grocery store.

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    1. I have yet to see one ringing the bells around here. Thanks!

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  3. Dude...blackmailing Santa? You're getting coal this year for that one. And that Elf ain't right. I guess that's what happens when you're cooped up in a sweat...I mean, workshop with a bunch of nutty little people 364 days outta the year.

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    1. I'm not going to be held hostage by the fat man anymore, it's my turn! I think our Elf is defective.

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  4. You can ask Santa to make your blog go viral? Man, I've been wasting all this time asking for a new coffee mug and some earphones. What a chump I am.

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    1. I've tried other things, but nothing worked. I guess if he can't do it no one can. Then I will be back to asking for ties and bathrobes.

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  5. Hilarious posting and letter to Santa! That is one naughty elf on the shelf if I were you, I'd hide the car keys. You'd never explain that one away! :)

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  6. Is it wrong that I'm delightfully thrilled that my older kids (8) no longer believe in Santa and my 3 year old would rather walk through the deepest and hottest pit of hell than acknowledge the fat ass?
    Naturally, there will still be milk and cookies left out because...let's face, we bought them some AWESOME gifts this year, we deserve some damn milk and cookies!

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    1. It's not wrong. My 9 year old still believes. I think we had this convo on Twitter a while ago? I'm not looking forward to her finding out. Unless it means we don't have to give double the presents and pretend they're from Santa.

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  7. Now I'm hoping that Santa exist, just so I can see the development of this correspondence!

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  8. Do they really have a Star Wars edition XBox? What kind of nerds do they think we are? Don't they know that what we really want is a Call of Duty edition XBox?

    I keep asking Santa for things every year and all I ever get is a pack of underwear in my stocking. Sometimes I get slippers.

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  9. I feel you Kevin, I'm the Scrooge in our family too. I see we both have #3 on our wish list.

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  10. Dang it, forgot to it Viral Blog on my list this year....

    WG

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  11. I hope you get everything on your list!

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  12. I've just downloaded iStripper, and now I enjoy having the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.

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