|I'm submitting this for Dude Write this week!|
I'm submitting this post for Dude Write this week, if you enjoy Day 2, check out the rest of the Days I'm doing. While you are checking things out, go to Dude Write and check out the awesome Dude bloggers.
I've stated it before but I am not a jolly ol' elf at all when it comes to Christmas, sure I have the build to be one, my belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly, my nose gets read when I drink and I am boisterous but far from jolly. I'm just not a big fan of Christmas.
One thing we do here in the Thought household is write letters to Santa, well the Minions write the letters with their wishlists. I got to thinking, why can't I write a letter to the old bastard and ask him for things too?
Dear Freakishly Close To Being A Pedophile Guy In The Red Suit,
I don't want to lie, I haven't been very good this year, but I figure if I start off by telling you the truth I could score some brownie points. On second thought, maybe I shouldn't have started my letter with what I called you...
I have a question for you. How can you stay fat all year long? I gained thirteen pounds since summer and I feel like a bloated moose who hasn't shit in three days. I hope you get some exercise in the off season, which by the way is complete bullshit that you work one night a year and get the other 364 days off. What do you do in your off time? I mean let's face it, you're not the one who actually makes the toys, so what do you really do?
Speaking of your help, I've been concerned about your elves, especially in this day and age with all the freakazoids out there, did you even CORI check all of them? I know you usually have two or three flying around with you on your big drop off night and as a parent, I'm not sure I feel entirely comfortable with you busting down my chimney with three midget rapists in tow. For all I know they could be working for a drug cartel and they traffic the drugs through innocent people's houses but I guess it's better than leaving them on the roof top to perform beastiality on Vixen and Blitzen, PETA would be pissed! Have you seen the billboards they put up for Thanksgiving?
On the topic of your reindeer, how did you come up with the names? They sound like stage names of day-shifters at the local strip club, except for Prancer. Does he bat for the other team by any chance? Not that there's anything wrong with that, but you might want to make him be up front if you catch my drift.
Well I've done enough small talk, let's get down to business, I have a small list of things I would like have arrive on Christmas morning or earlier if possible. Remember, I control what the Minions give you for your snack upon breaking and entering into my house, so if you want to avoid the possibility of some Ex-Lax mixed in with the chocolate chips, you might want to prioritize my list. I onlty have five items so it should be easy.
In closing, you may really want to look closely at these five items because you know that Elf on a Shelf that you sent us to spy on the Minions? Ours needs to be replaced soon, the first night I caught the bastard drinking Jim Beam and last night, well let's just say lock up your reindeer and you better get me a new Elf and soon.
Yours in Holiday Spirit,