Thursday, May 17, 2012

The Perfect Man?

This guy does NOT qualify...
On my way to work this morning I heard a quick little blurb on the radio about a poll done by the UK clothing retailer, Austin Reed who polled 2,000 women on what makes the perfect man.  They took the top thirty answers and published them.  Now for the life of me I cannot find the actual poll via the Google, but I have come across many radio station websites that have the same list.

I curious on how I stack up to what these 2,000 women think makes the perfect man.  Like Richard Dawson on Family Feud (without the groping) I say, "The top thirty answers are up on the board."  The ones that I qualify for are in green and the ones that the psycho women who were hand picked by Austin Reed think should, I mean the ones that I don't match are in red.

1.  Six feet tall.  I'm 6'1", does that count or does the alpha male need to be exactly 6'?  Confusing...

2.  Muscles, toned and athletic.  Shit...batting .500 here so far.  Does some muscles, fluffy and doesn't get winded easily count?

3.  Brown eyes.  People tell me I am so full of shit that my eyes are brown.

4.  Short dark hair.  I have short brown hair....what does dark exactly mean?  Again confusing...

5.  Smart dress sense.  I can pick out my own clothes and dress myself, I would call that smart right?

6.  Stylish.  Well, what constitutes as being stylish?  Being stylish to one person, means something totally different to another, these women seem to be very vague about their answers.  I see a trend here...

7.  A beer drinker.  Perfect.  I've that down to an art, I am a professional beer drinker.  I think I'll open one up right now.

8.  A non-smoker.  Awesome!  I don't smoke death sticks so I'm good there.

9.  Wears smart jeans, shirt and a v-neck jumper.  Huh?  What the hell are smart jeans?  Are they like a smart phone where you can multi-task in them?  Do they make phone calls, text and download porn at the same time?  Also, what the fuck is a v-neck jumper?  The last I knew a jumper was either a.  a person who is suicidal or b.  a full body suit Jiffy Lube technicians wore in the '90s.  Does this make you stylish?

10.  Gets ready in 17 minutes.  No problem, I can be showered, shaved and clothed in 10 minutes, but again does it have to be 17 minutes exactly?

11.  Earns around $77,000 a year.  OK...I see where most women's minds are at...whatever happened to judging character and being yourself you money grubbing whores?  (The ones polled, not the ones ready this of course)

12.  Wants a family. I can see that, I have a family, I enjoy them.  What was the age range of the women polled though?  If it was 21-35, it could be mixed reviews but if it was 35-45 then the biological clock is ticking and a family starts slipping through their grasps.

13.  Loves shopping.  Is your ideal man gay?  I don't know any guy personally who LOVES shopping.  I enjoy places I want to go, but it gets

14.  Eats meat.  Whew!  Thank the maker for that .  I'm glad to see that a woman doesn't want a gaunt, skinny, tofu farting...well you get the idea.  Excuse me, I'm going to get another beer and grill a steak now.

15.  Watches soaps.  Um....first, if you are earning $77,000 a year, when do you have time to watch soap operas?  Second, are soaps still on the air?  No man should be excited to know if Grant Rockhard falls in love with Linda Openlegs on As the Days Turn.

16. Clean-shaven.  Nice!  I can't grow any real facial hair anyway.

17.  Smooth-chested.  Well, seeing I look like an overweight Wookie, this gets tossed out the window.

18.  Enjoys watching football.  OK...I will watch football and I will enjoy watching football, but I do not plan my Sundays around the games...does that make me less of a man?

19.  Drives an Audi.  No wonder the guy has to make $77,000 a year.  Audis are freaking expensive.  Tony Stark drove them in the Iron Man movies and he was a millionaire, playboy, philanthropist.

20.  Well-educated.  I have two years in college...what does well educated mean?  I like to think I am educated on some things..that I care Star Wars, food and Scouts.

21.  Earns more than his partner. grubbing whores.

22.  Jokes around and has a laugh.  I think I have a pretty good sense of humor, which reminds me, next time you see me ask me about the Pink Story.  I think people who read this can attest to a decent sense of humor.

23.  Sensitive when you are upset.  I'm sensitive when my wife is upset....because she is usually upset at me.

24.  Tells you he loves you only when he means it.  I love you, now can I stick my pee-pee in your va-jay-jay?  I have only used the words I love you when I meant it and not counting my Mom, it was roughly three times and I meant it.  If you say I love you to get in a girl's pants, you sir are a complete vaginal, yeast infected blood fart and I hope the girl has some sort of venereal disease.

25.  Admits it when he looks at other women.  I admit it, I look at other women, if you didn't look you are either dead or gay.  It's like a car dealership, we'll look around at other models but when we leave we are still parking in the same garage...wait, that didn't come out right....

26.  Has a driver's license.  Again, you wouldn't have an Audi and make $77,000 a year if you didn't have a license, unless it was from drinking too much beer.

27.  Can swim.  I can swim, no problem.  The cool thing is I am naturally buoyant, I can float standing straight up and down, it's a gift, I know.
28.  Can ride a bike.  What man doesn't know how to ride a bike?  Isn't that the first big gift you get as a kid?  A brand new Huffy at Christmas under the tree, where in New England you have to wait 5 months before you get to use your new bike that you got for Christmas, thanks Santa...

29.  Can change a tire.  Seeing that my full time job deals with tires, check!

30.  Calls his mother regularly.  Awww isn't that sweet?  If he is calling his mother regularly, that usually means he is looking for a mother figure in you really want that?  Sorry, I can't call my Mom anymore, not to bring everyone down.

So those are the top thirty traits and aspects of the perfect man?  19 out of 30, not being well educated let me break out the calculator to figure out the percentage.....please hold..... a 63% match, not that great, I wonder what my wife sees in me?

Now, to be fair, I need to do a search to see if someone did a legitimate poll of 2,000 men on what they think the perfect woman is stay tuned....


  1. You have me beat Kevin. I only nailed 18 and that is assuming that my Bachelors degree makes me "well-educated." I am too short, my hair is too long and my eyes are the wrong color. I was really hoping for something more superficial like a one item list that says "is in shape." After that I am sunk. I purposefully choose to wear either jeans and sweatshirts or shorts and t-shirts. That makes not well dressed and means my style sense sucks ass. This list is horse shit anyway. Don't bother looking for a list from men. It would be too short to be published. Probably too indecent as well.

    1. I haven't found a good list to go off of anyway...

  2. There is a breed of male in Britain called 'Essex man'. Not only do they like to shop but they also use make-up, wear man bags,(an act that should be punishable by death) and have the full back, sack and crack waxing treatment.

    It is the end of civilization, as we know it!

    1. THE only time I ever had make up on was when I passed out from being too drunk and my friends painted my nails....

      As for waxing....fuck that!

  3. Ok I guess nobody would ever want my husband. He never shaves, is a mason so he is always dirty (in more ways than one ;) ), doesn't have a drivers license therefore no Audi (and when he did drive her drove a Toyota Tacoma), doesn't drink beer, or anything else for that matter (he liked it too much therefore he doesn't drink at all, also see lack of drivers license on that one), he has a high school education (although he is a skilled tradesman but I bet they don't count that), he smokes, makes less than $77,000 a year, has blue eyes and very little hair, is only 5'11", wears jeans from Walmart, which he hates shopping for. Oh I could go on and on. Guess he isn't a good catch in their eyes, which is too bad for them because to me he is perfect. Oh, he does call him mom alot.