Saturday, April 21, 2012

Sesame Street

...T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z...only seven more letters to go, only seven more letters to go...what the hell?  There's seven more letters to go????  That's a whole week's worth of letters, I am starting to despise everything that has to do with letters.

I despise the alphabet song.

I will not eat this ever again.
Campbell's can kiss my ass!
Here's you letter S you evil bastards!

You've changed double S, you used to be a wonderful addition to our family, you used to sooth the little ones when they were upset.  You were once welcomed in our house with outstretched arms but you are banished to the VHS tape section of our living room, you are no better than that yellow squared freak Spongebob.  (Ohhhhh, I pulled a twofer on this one)

I watched you when I was young, hanging onto every word, every character, every song.  I admit I learned much from you as a young pupil but even at a young age I noticed changes in you.  You started introducing new characters, gearing your show towards different languages when I haven't even mastered my native language and you didn't relate to the way I grew up.  I did not live in the city, I never knew how it felt to frolic around in an open fire hydrant, I never knew the joy of going to the local market and learning different foods from around the world.

I have been waiting for you Sesame Street.  We meet again, at last.  The circle is now complete.  When I left you, I was but the learner, now I am the master.  I see you have your army lined up, pshhh, they're nothing compared to the power of the Force.  Who are you sending in first?

Elmo - You little red bastard, you used to be great, the kids loved you every time your song came on La la la la, la la la la, Elmo's World.  I'll tell you right now Elmo, it is NOT your world my friend.  You and that pedophile Mr. Noodle can take your goldfish and jump right out that window you just drew with the over sized crayon you got out of the drawer in that unstable looking desk.  That crayon, nor your pet goldfish will protect you from the drop kick you are about to receive.

Bert and Ernie - Jesus, just come out already!  There's no hiding the fact and well honestly it's pretty much accepted now.  You two have been so far in the closet you haven't even change your clothes from the 70s.  You are portrayed as adults who rent an apartment but with no means of funding, job or any other attempt to find work one can only assume you are freeloading off the system  Bert, I will give you a small piece of credit you were one of the original nerds, but what is with the pigeon fetish?  Ernie, you would be a little more cooler if you didn't delve into the whole rubber ducky area, you are starting to seem like Mr. Noodle now.  You guys have never made your way out of the 70s and nothing good has ever come out of the 70s...except Star Wars of course.

Cookie Monster - You were the only one that was cool!  Then they idiot parents who can't control their children go a hold of you and demanded that you stop eating cookies.  Why?  Why did they stop a Cookie Monster from eating cookies??  It's not your fault that this people can't parent over their little shits, they would rather blame someone or something else for their child's problems, in this case being overweight.  Where does he get the fucking cookie from?  Cookie Monster didn't magically appear in the living room and force feed a snicker doodle down the kid's throat!  He got the cookie from you, you wombat!  You control what they eat at home, not some fictional blue character.  What's that Cookie Monster?  You agree with me and want to join my side....of course we have cookies, come on over you can stand over there with Oscar and the Count who defected as well.

He's not that bad...
Grover - You look like Cookie Monster took a shit.  Even with your super hero costume you can't even put sentences together correctly.  Near, far, near, shit Sherlock, we got it.  Your name isn't even the same in other Afghanistan you are named Kajkoal, which means bowl..obviously referring to your oblong mouth.  In Germany you are Grobi, meaning rough or rude, in Portugal you are named Gualter (Walter), obviously trying to change you into the better Muppets.  In Israel you are named Kruvi which means cabbage.  I can go on and one, but I see I have already crushed your dreams of becoming a super hero.  Have fun Açıkgöz, meaning leery in Turkey.

That's right you deranged Muppets, go back to 123 Sesame Street and take the other freaks with you like Baby Bear, Telly, that flying fairy freak and those nose honking dinks too.

I am only going off on Sesame Street due the over stress of this A to Z Challenge, thank you.

I would feel the same way Elmo!

1 comment:

  1. Katy Perry is awesome and if I am not mistaken, Sesame Street pulled her episode because of her wardrobe. . . there is another reason for you to go off on the "street."

    Elmo is the one I have the biggest problem with. He is so self-interested and yet so popular. . . and we wonder why this generation of kids is self-absorbed. Jeez Louise.