You Have Made Me Very Desperate

Have you ever had one of those days?  Well today was not one of those days, it was going pretty well actually other than the bazillion degree weather that we still have going on, the Swass Meter is on a ten and the Gold Bond is stock piled.

Nope today was going rather well, I even did my good deed today and donated platelets, that's an interesting process by the way if you have never done it.  I guess I'm a vampire's wet dream with my blood, it's the most popular and my platelet count is triple of the normal person...anyway, I didn't come here today to tell you that, I came here to tell you that Dunkin' Donuts had made me desperate...VERY desperate.

Throughout the normal day to day process I frequent public restrooms to do my business, sometimes it's from the front sometimes it's from the back end, either way I use them every day.  When entering a public restroom, whether a fast food restaurant or a gas station there are some rules you need to follow:

1. Knock first.  I've made that mistake and some old, ball sagging dude was taking his morning post-black coffee dump and that is an image I can't scrub out even with bleach.
2. Check to see if you're alone.  Especially if you need to drop a deuce.  Most of the time I don't give a rat's patootie if I "offend" someone with  my stench but you need need to plan your pushes accordingly.  If it's empty you're good, if someone is in there you need to wait for their flush or the hand dryer to mask the sounds.
3. Last, check to see if there is toilet paper...and that my friends is where I went wrong today at Dunkin' Donuts.

I knocked on the door, entered the restroom and assumed the position.  I just forgot the third rule.  I pinched it off and reached for the elusive white paper.  PSYCHE!  The double roll holder was empty...vacant of TP...void of royal paper...in other words Dunkin' Donuts didn't fill the fucking toilet paper holder!  Son of a bitches!

NOT the actual culprit.

Now, I have been in this situation before, granted it was in a latrine in the woods but I have been in this situation before.  The first thing I searched for was paper towels...dammit!  They went green and environmentally friendly with a air dryer (which never work except for the Dyson that slices your hands off).  OK, so no alternative paper products.

Plan C, which is one of the reasons I carry a pocket knife with me at all times (I told you I've been in this situation before).  Long story short I am one pair of underwear less in my collection.  Desperate times call for desperate measures and Dunkin' Donuts, you made me very desperate.  However, if you're in a pinch Hanes briefs make a fantastic substitute for traditional toilet paper.

Plan C