S.I.N.G.L.E.

Stay Intoxicated Nightly Get Laid Everyday - Jeff Foxworthy

Almost every summer the Trophy and the Minions pack up and head down to New York to visit relatives and they are usually gone for about a week.  This time it's a little longer due to that whole "walking around in a bra, at night, in New York City" breast cancer benefit...which by the way I am extremely proud of the Trophy and thanks to several of my readers made her goal and successfully completed the 26.2 miles.  They took off last Friday and will be returning on Saturday and I know what you are thinking....

You have the whole house to yourself with no Minions and Trophy?   You lucky bastard you. 

Yeah not so much.  Don't get me wrong the first 36-48 hours is great, the house is quiet, there are no Minion battles, I can watch anything I want on TV, just chill out and relax and well be a bachelor.  But then I get lonely, seriously I get lonely.  After 14 years being married and almost 10 years having at least one Minion around, you get comfortable with the noise and distractions that come along with it.  It's hard to sleep at night because you are so used to having that second body in the bed...I mean 14 years of balancing the bed out and now I need to sleep in the middle so I don't roll into one of the divots that our bodies have created.

Then there's the silence, at first, like the rest of the bachelor time it's awesome but then it becomes eerie very quickly.  You don't realize the freaky noises the appliances make or the the creaks that your 200 year old house can create.  You don't hear them because there are three Minions being loud all the time.  It's things like that, that make me miss the Trophy and Minions each time.  I miss their laughter and fighting, I miss the Trophy telling me to go teach the boys how to wash and that is how I know I could never be single again.

This time around they left rather hastily, leaving me with not a whole heck of a lot of food in the house.  Sure I could live off of Ramen Noodles and cereal, I've done that before but I'm older now and I like to have real food so I went grocery shopping...by myself...without a list.  This used to be a Friday night fun time for me when I was single, I would spend hours in the grocery store looking at everything and wondering how it would taste with beer or whiskey but now, forget it.  I went into the store and wandered around for an hour trying to remember what I wanted to get and don't get me started on the people...holy shit they piss me off.  Learn how to steer a grocery cart for shit's sake!  I ended up getting essentials for my lunches and some frozen dinners.

When I was single I had the neatest apartment (which was upstairs in my parent's house), I would make sure everything was put away just in case of, well you know...bow-chicka-wow-wow.  As I got older I have decided that I don't need to impress anyone and I don't have to live with a ton of stuff, especially since I got married.  If I haven't used something in over six months, I don't need it.  So when it comes to doing dishes or laundry I am doing theirs from last week and now I have barely any because I don't need a ton of clothes to wear or need to dirty a bazillion dishes.

Then lastly there is the drive home from work.  I don't know how single 30 somethings do it.  Sure, back in my late teens and early 20s I lived alone (kinda) but I didn't always go home right away, I had friends I would stop at and have a few beers with and home was a place to sleep.  It hit me tonight driving home to an empty house, this sucks.  I can't even fathom how others do it on a regular basis.  I need to attack of the Minions when I open the door, I need the smell of supper cooking when I get home and I need to commotion of everything happening at once.

I just can't do it, I will be married forever and ever.just because I can't handle being single again...and that I love the Trophy/