A to Z Challenge: Candy

Hey, the A to Z Challenge is going rather well, but then again I'm only three days into it so what do I know?  Today is the letter C, which happens to be the third letter of the alphabet, funny how that works.

Chewbacca starts with C.

With Easter or Zombie Jesus Day behind us, most parents are riddled with baskets full of candy.  If the parents are smart enough, they will buy candy that they like, screw the kids right?  In our domicile we usually end up with Easter candy until Halloween and Halloween candy until Easter, it's a vicious cycle so instead of a whole metric assload of candy, the Minions get toys that they will play with for about a week and then shove in the corner of their bedrooms.

I remember growing up and getting my Easter basket filled with candy.  My Mom was one of the parents who got candy that I liked.  I remember getting Whatchamacallits, Twix and good jelly beans but hearing horror stories from my friends about what they got.....

Circus Peanuts in the shapes of Duckies and Bunnies.  Wouldn't it be cheaper to buy packing peanuts?  How are they made?  What material are they made from?  I tried a Circus Peanut once and I couldn't choke it down, it was like trying to swallow a cotton ball and we all know how I hate cotton balls...they SQUEAK!  I would imagine that if you put one in a bowl of water it would expand like those dinosaur capsules and taste the same.

Candy Corn (colored in pastel colors).  First, you shouldn't call a candy the same a vegetable.  Second, who the fuck thought this would taste good?  I think they took the Candy Corn from Halloween (which no one eats anyway) bleaches it and then re-dyes it for Easter.  If you like Candy Corn there's something not right with you.

Cadbury Creme Eggs.  Let's mold an egg out of chocolate and fill it with a gooey, sugary, concoction.  These things look like they replaced a chicken egg with a turd and filled it with a substance that resembles ejaculation.  Sounds scrumptious huh?  Go ahead and bite into one of these turd balls and look at it.  How did they get the yellow in the white?  And why?

Last but not least....

Black Jelly Beans.  No, no, fucking no!  The only people that eat black jelly beans are women over 70.  They turn your tongue black, stain your teeth and taste like the inside of a wombat's ass after it was deflowered by a horny skunk.  What brainiac concocted this wonderous tidbit of nasty-assness?  The only thing that could make the black jelly bean worse is to put it inside of a Cadbury Creme Egg.  That would be like a turducken except it would be called the what-the-fucken.

Oh and a carry over from last post, did I mention I'm a published author now?  You can download the book HERE and laugh your ass off...unless of course you don't have an ass, but that would just be awkward and how do you drop a stink pickle?  Anyway, in the next few days I will be coming up with a contest, trivia game or something because they gave me five downloads of the book to give away to my readers!  Yeah, boi!  So stay tuned....