Sunday, December 16, 2012

Day 16: Being A Dad on Christmas

 Things sure have changed since Minion #1 came barreling down the sperm slide and Christmas is no different.  Before we had the Minions things were different (duh), Christmas was about us.  We would have a nice quiet Christmas Eve, watching a movie or two and enjoying each others company, if you know what I mean....you don't know what I mean?  Got tinsel stuck in places we didn't know tinsel could get stuck.  Made the sound activated lights go on and off.  Get it?  We defiled the Christmas tree skirt on Christmas Eve, OK?

Then on Christmas morning we would go to my parent's house and open presents there, my half sister would come over with her family and we would have dinner and open more presents.  Looking back it was a pretty good time...and I miss it.  But all of that changed a little over nine years ago...

Thanks guys...it's...great.
Being a Dad on Christmas is different and took some adjusting to.  I still get cool gifts like my Star Wars Legos and I don't get the stereotypical tie, sweater or underwear (which actually, if you're reading this Trophy, I need underwear) but it's different now, it's more about the Minions, which after Friday's tragedy, is a good thing.

It starts on my way home from work a day or two prior to Christmas Eve.  I inevitably get a phone call or text from The Trophy to pick up "such and such" at the grocery store....great, going to the grocery store a day or two before Christmas is like, well, going to the grocery store the day before Thanksgiving, it's suicide.  Without fail, the item she wants me to get is Christmas related.

"Can you pick up some eggnog?" or "I need gingerbread cookies for the pie." or "You know what would be good tonight?  A yule log."  And I do it because I love her.  I head into the grocery and shove my way through to crowd of last minute dumbasses (Christmas happens the same day every year, just like Thanksgiving...fucking prepare for it!) and find the last carton of eggnog, the crushed package of gingerbread cookies and the yule log...did you know that a yule log is meant to be eaten nowadays?  I didn't, so I brought home a wooden log, which I thought was odd seeing we don't have a fire place.

As a Dad at Christmas it's my job to fend the Minions away from the secret present hiding place (A.K.A. our bedroom).  I feel like an NHL goalie.  Stomp, stomp, stomp (good thing the Minions are not graceful).  I open the door a little bit like the mean munchkin from the Wizard of Oz, to see what they want and promptly shove my foot out the door to keep them at bay.

Also my duty is to make sure the milk, cookies and carrots are left out for the Fat Man from the North Pole and his beasts.  Part of this duty is to eat whatever cookie the Minions decide to leave for him and drink the, by that time, warm milk and nibble the carrots.  I also have to use my best Santa handwriting and leave a thank you note.  You might be thinking this is easy, but my Minions are miniature Magnum PI's, they will notice the smallest little detail if it's wrong.  I need to leave just enough crumbs and part of a cookie from Santa because he could never possibly eat ALL of the cookies the other kids give him.  I also have to leave the carrots with chew marks in them, do you know how hard it is to model reindeer chew marks?  I've got it down to a science now.  I also have to drink the entire glass of milk, Santa is thirsty after all and it's ALWAYS milk, I've suggested other beverages for him, eggnog, soda, a coffee, beer, but the Minions swear by milk.

Another Dad duty that most of us don't even know we signed up to do is to not know what the Minions are getting for Christmas.  I know The Trophy tells me what they are getting and I even watch her wrapping the presents but damned if I know what they get so I'm just as surprised as they are on Christmas morning.

"Look Dad!  I got a Wampa Skin Rug and #2 got a Tauntaun Sleeping Bag

"Oh, holy crap!  Yeah you did, that's right!"

By the way, we do have a Wampa Skin Rug AND a Tauntaun Sleeping Bag...any doubters now bitches?
The Trophy in a golden bikini laying on the Wampa Rug?  Yes please!
And I thought they smelled bad...on the outside.
The most important job that I have as a Dad at Christmas is enjoying the excitement of the Minions and spending the day with my family.  I get to sit on the couch in my robe and slippers, drinking coffee at 5:30 AM while The Trophy chases the Minions around with the camera, taking pictures we will never see again.

You know what, I wouldn't change it for the world.

Unbelievable!  Gonads was resurrected after the puree incident.  We received a Christmas Card in the mail full of stripper dust and that must have signaled to Gonads to hit the tit-pit this time.

Oh yeah, I'm submitting this to Dude Write this week because nothing screams Christmas like a bunch of Dude bloggers competing for a prize!  Go check it out, read the awesome blogs and them come back Monday to vote!


Dude Write

36 comments:

  1. Your posting reminds me of the 3 Phases of Santa Claus. :) Our last Christmas alone was in 1981 and until Christmas of 2007 when our last little birdie flew the coop (oops left the nest) OMGosh I just added it up, that was like 26 years. Holy Smokes! When that happened for the first year after it was like we were new found teenagers again. Then it was that same feeling you get when you turn 21 and can get alcohol legally! Will Stop by tomorrow and give ya a vote!

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    1. Never heard of the 3 Phases of Santa Claus...

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  2. Now he's going to strip clubs?

    This was a very nice post. Full of warm fuzzies and you're a great father, and even better husband for going to the store AND saying "I love her". :)

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  3. Love the "Pretending Santa was here" project - sounds really elaborate. I wonder if any of the carrot chewing can be performed by automated machines built for that explicit purpose? Also, I wonder if I can turn these machines into viable Christmas gifts in 2013? Hmmmm, options, options.

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  4. You've ignited some great memories of when my kids were young (they're now 18 and 22). My attempts to put together an intricate doll's house late Xmas Eve (typically while under the influence of alcohol) is etched in my memory.

    Enjoy these moments my friend - you'll blink and your kids will have transformed into adults!

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  5. I don't get it. Why do you drink Santa's milk?

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    1. Santa is obviously lactose intolerant...so I have to take one for the team.

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  6. I don't get it, either. Couldn't you just dump the warm milk down the sink? Love the Star Wars stuff!!!

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    1. If you dump the milk down the sink you don't have the authenticity of DNA on the mug.

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  7. Don't drink the milk, eww! Pour it in the sink an run some water to cover the traces. Your Mini-Magnum PIs won't know the difference...

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    1. Good idea, except you forgot the DNA aspect...

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  8. Now you have me wondering what reindeer chew marks look like...

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    1. Ironically reindeer chew marks look a lot like human chew marks.

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  9. What is up with the thank you card? We've never gotten one. Apparently, Santa has been snubbing my family all these years.

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    1. Obviously Santa doesn't care for your family...just kidding, he loves all families....

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  10. Oh man, Christmas really does change when you become an adult with kiddos. Luckily my lady loves to spoil me, so I generally get solid gifts from her, but seeing the joy on the kids' face just never gets old.

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  11. I love it that you have a Wampa rug. So awesome!

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  12. Trying to cram those cookies into an already full to bursting gut used to just about kill me. I think we managed to avoid the carrots and as for the milk - well there's benefits to a dairy free environment. I can't believe you actually drink it!

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  13. My kids are broken! I'm totally the first excited kid out of bed on Christmas. They'd sleep until 10 or 11 if I let them. When I was little my folks had to tell me I couldn't get out of bed until 6, I wasn't allowed to touch anything until they came down at 7. I still do that to myself to this day.

    WG

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  14. Christmas with kids is definitely a whole different deal than Christmas without kids. A line from The Hogfather sums it up nicely, "Every stocking must have something that makes noise in it. Otherwise what is 4.30a for?"

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  15. I am so looking forward to the craziness that is Christmas. My daughter is still to small to understand.

    I shall be saving this post to read to my husband on the days he gets irritated when I ask him to stop for (yet another) bottle of wine on his way home from work before the holidays.

    Great post!

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  16. That Wampa rug is cool! And DNA be damned! Stay away from the warm milk! Blech! lol

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  17. Christmas is so much more fun with kids --- but I can tell you now my kids will never ever have a fucking elf on the shelf. Bastard creeps me out. I believe he comes alive at night and masturbates in the nooks and crannies of homes.

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    1. OMG Angela! You never fail to crack me up.

      The first thing I thought when I saw an Elf on the Shelf was, "I should get another one and put them in pornographic poses and take pictures." What can I say...I guess my own minions haven't sucked all the dirty out of me. Um, that sounded way less inappropriate in my head. My apologies.

      I think it's hilarious that you brought home a wooden log. Absolutely the kind of thing my husband would do. Now I'm tempted to ask him to pick up a yule log just to see what he comes home with.

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  18. The Tauntaun sleeping bag is hysterical! My cousin would love one.

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  19. It's definitely different once you have kids. Sometimes I miss the good old Christmases of laying around watching movies for 2-3 days, but I wouldn't trade them for the fun of watching my kid enjoy the holiday.

    Fun piece!

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  20. i know the post was mainly about what Christmas is like for the kids, but I love hearing about the trip to the store... "And I do it because I love her." That's the kind of stuff that results in more defiled Christmas skirts :)

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  21. You sound like an awesome dad! This was great! My kids don't have a dad that participates in their life.

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  22. The milk and cookies are the best part!! I love eating messily over the plate... And my son wonders why Mommy gets to pick what kind of cookies we leave Santa... "Cuz Mommy knows what kind he likes, son. I have connections." Someday he will make that "connection" and that will be a sad day indeed. I think it's so much fun being on the "other side" of Christmas. Merry Christmas to you and your Minions and Trophy (which is a fabulous thing to call your wife, BTW. My hubby doesn't blog, but I'd like to think that's what he would call me too. Hehe.) :)

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  23. i didn't know the beasts came down too for the carrots. that's new to me. but a dad who'd chew on carrots for his kids is a good dad. :)

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  24. I've just installed iStripper, so I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my desktop.

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