Who Woulda Thought?: Day 17: Kiss My Balls

Forget Living Nativities!

I keep telling myself, it's only one day out of the year but it doesn't help. Christmas is much like your wedding day, you prepare for months and then it's over in a flash. You have to plan menus for parties, go gift shopping and...decorate. I was watching a TV show the other night, OK it was 20/20 (God I feel old now) and they had this Kringle Worshiping Freak on there that had over $100,000 in Christmas decorations. What the Hanukkah? I get tired from rearranging the icons on my desktop, I can't even imagine working that hard to decorate your house.

Yes, we decorate for Christmas in the domicile, but we don't go overboard (I think I've told you that already). I have to come clean though, every year I have delusions of grandeur about decorating the outside of the house. I've done it once, that was it and each year I say, "I'm going to decorate the outside of the house." We head off to Target or Home Depot on our normal Sunday adventures and I've got images from National Lampoons Christmas Vacation dancing in my head. Arriving at the store I beeline for the Christmas decoration aisle and after about a half an hour I walk away dejected. I don't want to spend that much money to increase my electric bill.

But while I am perusing the aisles I notice a lot of other decorations that I can't imagine anyone putting up in or at their house, yet I see them every year. The inflatable Santa on a motorcycle and the Grinch in a chimney, the animated deer or penguins and the famous giant snow globe...I guess it's good for some people. Then there are the decorations that I have no clue why we use them...

Never forget...we will though.

A cemetery box - My parents used to get these for their parent's grave every year. It was a tradition, we would go to a local Christmas tree lot and purchase two cemetery boxes. We would go to two different cemeteries and ready for this, remove the cemetery box they placed last year with the new cemetery box from this year. They...were...identical. The same greenery, the same ornaments and even the same type of wood. As I got older I questioned their antics by asking why they bought a new box every year instead of reusing the old one. The looks I got were priceless, like they had had an epiphany or something. The problem was, like the Christmas lights, my parents left the cemetery boxes up all year long.

Come on! Leia kissed Luke!

Mistletoe - What kind of fetish tradition is this? You take a plant, hang it from the doorway and shove your tongue down the throat of whoever you catch in this trap. Sure I guess if you're in college and want to get laid, this would be a great thing but why have it at your family Christmas? That's just creepy. Do a Google search for mistletoe, people hang this shit everywhere. Maybe I will hang mistletoe from my back pocket so everyone can kiss my ass this season.

Christmas Truck Nutz?

Kissing Balls - Is this along the same line as Mistletoe except you hang them from your grundel area? This sounds like camel toe or moose knuckles, it sounds messed up. "What did you do today?" "Oh we went and got our kissing balls." Every time I see a sign advertising kissing balls I turn into Beavis and Butt-head. "Huh, huh, you said balls." Heh, heh yeah Butt-head, balls!"

No, no, fucking, no.

Antlers and Nose on Your Car - Do you do that? Come closer so I don't have to reach so far to slap the shit out of you. It's not as bad this year but they're out there, you see them on all different cars and trucks. Just stop, you look like a dumbass. If you haven't witnessed these Kringle Worshipers then consider yourself lucky. They buy...actually spend money...on a set of fuzzy antlers and a red nose for their vehicles. I thought the wreaths on the grills were bad, this takes the yule log.

I should be thankful that we have normal decorations in the domicile.