Monday, April 23, 2012

Treatments and Testicles

A baking soda bath, oatmeal schmeared on my legs and I'm buying a goat.  
The makings of a bad porn or poison ivy?  
You decide.

The A to Z Challenge kindly reminded me that there is only a week left to their idea of a good time.  I think whoever decided to create this challenge is either A.  psychotic and unstable; B.  Someone who writes for a living and can dedicate their lives to this or C.  All of the above.

Today is the letter T and I have a couple of items to discuss.  As many of you know I have poison ivy (no not on my testicles, that's later) so I have been trying different treatments.  I started with a product called Ivarest and it does rather well, the only problem is that it looks like I have that disease Michael Jackson had (not pedophilia) except that it is a combo of pink and brighter pink.  I look like the Pink Panther spit all over me with this stuff on.

I also bought a bottle of CVS brand "Instant Poison Ivy Relief".  Instant my ass!  You spray this foul smelling liquid on your affected areas and you have to let it dry for about five minutes.  Once it dries, it feels like you have a thin plastic film on your body, then and only then does it feel better...for a minute.  Once you pull your pant legs down it rubs off and you start itching again.

Don't forget the loin cloths.
I have become desperate with this, I have been asking other people what they do for relief and searching on the internet for remedies.  There are lots of home remedies that I have found, some are simple...some not so much.  They range from soaking in a bathtub filled with hot water and baking soda to dancing around a small fire, roasting a platypus, while the planet Venus is aligned with Saturn, all while wearing a loin cloth made from the hide of a rare pygmy wombat.

I have tried the bathtub filled with water and baking soda, not only does it help (a little) but come to find out it's good for relaxing after a long day because the baking soda pulls out the oils and detoxifies you.  I made some oatmeal and spread it on my affected areas, now I am soothed and ready for breakfast.  I am going to try a few others if it doesn't start going away.

About the right size....
While doing some research I did come across the first pop up in the Google search saying to buy a goat.  I guess goats eat it like candy, I asked my wife if we could get a goat and she just shook her's almost like she knows me or something.  If anyone has any GOOD remedies, please feel free to share them.  However I will NOT try scrubbing the area until it bleeds and then pouring bleach on the area, pissing on myself or washing with gasoline.

All I ask is WHY?????
Now, the testicles.  No, not my testicles, no one wants to know about my testicles, they're fine by the way.  It's the testicles you see hanging off of a truck's trailer hitch....why? Why? WHY?  Did I miss the memo on this, when has it ever been cool to have a set of sagging balls dangling off of your truck?  Why would you even want to do that?  It looks ridiculous!  Are you compensating for something?  I have never heard any woman say that she loves being with a guy because of his nuts.  There is nothing cool or manly about having them on your truck you stupid asshat.  Ohhhh look, it's a scrotum.

WTF?  Now your iPhone can have a scrotum?


  1. When you talked about asking to get a goat I started smiling because I thought for sure you were going to say "she just shook her head and Naaaaaah."

  2. Day late and a dollar short, that is a good one though.

  3. OMG! I'm so with you on the whole scrotum thing. Reminded me of my Penis Epiphany blog.