Friday, April 20, 2012


I'd like to buy a vowel please.
I am starting to feel like a contestant on the Wheel of Fortune where Pat Sajak gave you the letters R, S, T, L, N and E now all you have to do is solve the phrase with one letter in it.  It's just like this steaming pile of poop called the A to Z Challenge, you get a letter and then rack your brain until it has an embolism trying to solve the puzzle of what the hell to write.

I actually take that pains me to say I am enjoying the A to Z Challenge because it is forcing me to write on a daily basis and I seem to be liking it....or at least my brain tells me I am.

With that off my chest I bring to the table the letter R. I could have written about reefer being 4/20 and all or I could have written about the Red Sox being Fenway's 100th anniversary, but nope I am going to use my letter R on my rash.  Yup, you heard me I have a rash.  I came in contact with some poison (insert plant here) in my backyard.  Also I figured I would do this topic because it seems that the posts I do about my suffering or inflicted pain get the best views, so enjoy!

We have lived in our house for 6 years now and there is a side yard that has had a pile of shit in it from the previous *ahem* owner.  Well we are finally getting around to clearing out that side yard to make is useful.  We went and bought a Bagster, which is basically a folding dumpster that you call and they take it away and we cleared out the crap.  There was all sorts of goodies in there, 6X6's, 4X4's, rusty nails, rotted wood, old siding, insulation and a dead cat.  Now the dead cat was there after the pile was put there, I started moving things and found a dead cat under my quad stuff and before you go blaming me, I had nothing to do with it.  Oh that reminds me, if anyone is missing a black cat in my can take down the "missing" signs.  Sorry.

Anyway, the yard has been cleared of the crap and I started weeding and cutting down trees.  Our plan is to level the yard and plant some grass, put up a nice little gate and fence and enjoy more of our outdoor area.  I'm sure you are asking yourselves, "But Kevin, what about your rash?", relax I'm getting there, but let me inform you about a few things first.

This is how I lived 8 weeks out of the year.
I have been involved in the Boy Scouts for 90% of my life.  It has been a big part of who I am.  In fact I am still involved in Scouts.  With that being said I have been camping, hiking and doing outdoor activities for YEARS. I know what poison ivy looks like (three leaves and shiny, not for your hiney), I know what poison sumac and oak look like, I am pretty versed in the plant life living in the Northeast region of our country.  The number of nights I have spent camping would be counted in years.  I spent 8 weeks a year for 6 years at a Scout camp not to mention the camping with the Troops and Packs I have been involved in.  I've hiked plenty as well.  I have slept under the stars, in a hammock, on the ground.  I have never, fucking EVER got a case of poison (insert plant here)....until moving to our first house here in Winchendon.  Fucking ever....

Now that I have painted a mental picture, let me give you some more information now.  I have these bumps on my left arm and all over my legs, it is on my back and even on my right elbow.  It itches like a mofo!  I have used IvaRest the past few days and it seems to help, the problem is it is like calamine lotion, it's suppose to blend into your skin, but I have never seen someone with this skin tone.  It looks like I took a few rounds from paintballs filled with Pepto Bismal.   I looked this morning in the area I was working and I didn't see anything that I recognized that would cause this kind of torture.  I am baffled, perplexed and befuddled.  What sort of black magic would cause this?

I did some research and come to find out I do have some type of poison ivy in my yard.  Not the normal type you would find. 

Here is the bastard weed...

Either way, I went to Home Depot to pick up some killing spray.  I will find a spray that covers everything that could cause this rash and I will in fact kill it.  I am on a mission now and when I am on a mission I see it through to the end.  God speed you devil plant.


  1. I feel your pain. I had never had a case of Poison Ivy until I dug it out of my yard. The only way I've found to actually get rid of it is to dig it up. Picture me in a homemade hazmat suit trying to use a was interesting..

    1. I sprayed the freakish plants last night, I am going to hit them again. It's sooooo itchy!!

  2. Poison Ivy is indeed the weed of Satan and stings like a bitch! Dug all mine up last year. By the end of it, I look like I had leprosy.

    1. The really shou,d rename it to Satan's Weed...kind of like Devil Snare from Harry Potter.

  3. Just hope it was a plant and isn't some sort of systemic breakdown of your body. You mentioned allergies sometime recently and where there is one allergy there is always another. . . just something to think about. I hope it was the plant, because that is easier.

    1. No it's definitely a plant, I figured out which weed was the "root" of all evil. Of course now you have me thinking the older I get the more I will fall apart.