Tuesday, October 2, 2012

It's The End Of The World As We Know It

 First I would like to make it known, I am not a conspiracy theorist.  I've been on this earth for almost 36 years and I know there are people who have been around a lot longer than me but, in my lifetime, I have heard that the world will end on X/X/XXXX multiple times and each time we wake up the following day and nothing has happened.  Everyone knows the whole Mayan calendar telling us the world will end on 12/21/2012 story and I would say 95% of human beings don't buy into it.  In fact, I'm pretty sure most people don't subscribe to the whole End of the World predictions anyway, sure the world will cease to exist at some point but how can we really predict such a thing?  Right?

Umm, where does it say 12/21/2012?
Well those pesky Mayans might be onto something here...

Think back to your teachings and when you learned the Deadly Plagues or at least go back to the movie The Mummy, starring Brendon Fraiser.  If you are not familiar with the Deadly Plagues they are as follows, in no particular order:

Water Turning Into Blood
Disease On Livestock
Slaying The First Born

Now, think back to the beginning of this year, this year has been pretty fucked up.  I'm not saying that I believe that the world will end on December 21, 2012, I'm just saying there have been some pretty strange coincidences with the Deadly Plaques and things happening now.  Let me explain...

Boils - This doesn't necessarily mean the puss filled creampies that break out on your skin.  We all use water to cook with and most of the time we boil it.  Or, when people get mad they say their blood boils, well there have been a lot of people mad lately (Red Sox sucking, election coming up, etc.) and I would imagine that if a whole metric shitload of people were mad long enough, the blood boiling could cause some bad juju.

Frogs - I haven't noticed an over abundance of these amphibians lately but I did run three over with my lawn mower this summer all on separate occasions...and they didn't die.  I can tell you they hopped off pretty damn fast though.  What I'm saying is I can run over a plastic shovel and obliterate that thing, frog guts should have been splattered all over my mowing deck.  Forget apes, it's the frogs you need to worry about.

Water Turning Into Blood -  This just happened to me the other night.  The Trophy and I were getting ready for bed and I went into the bathroom after her, brushed my teeth and went for the nightly draining of the bladder.  I looked down and the toilet water was red...of course our flusher doesn't work 100% all of the time either.

Vermin - Most people think of vermin as mice or rats, that's not necessarily the case.  Earlier this year and now in the past month, I have noticed more and more skunk carcasses on the roadways.  Skunks, to me anyway, do not prove to be useful animals.  I don't want to hear about how they eat the bugs and it's all part of the environmental cycle, they smell worse than one of #3's farts and that shit lingers.

Hail - I can't speak for everyone, but out here in the Northeast we have had some pretty brutal storms of late and quite a few of them have consisted of hail and not the small little ice chunks that hit and you're all like "Ow, that stung."  I'm talking about baseball sized hail that takes out your windshield or a small dog.

Locusts - This takes place clear across the country, back in June there was an infestation of locusts in the town of Herald, California.  This is straight out of the bible, go read about it for yourself here.  But if that doesn't convince you, we've had an outbreak of EEE up here from mosquitoes and that's pretty close to locusts, right?

Darkness - It is awfully convenient that the shortest day of the year is the day after the world is supposed to end.  This means that the day the Earth is supposed to go kablooie, it would be the shorted day of the year, which means more darkness.  Well played Mayans, well played.

Disease On Livestock - Well there hasn't been any huge news stories about livestock disease but all three of my Minions had Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease a few months ago....isn't that the shit that hoofed animals get?  But if that isn't close enough for you, don't forget the recent H1-N1 and Mad Cow Disease we have had in the not so far away past.

Lice - These fuckers invaded my house and are pretty common in every school system.  Enough said.

Slaying Of The First Born - OK, this one hasn't happened yet, but I can tell you that it may happen in our house before 12-21-12.  Minion #1 is eight going on sixteen.  This moody, secluded, pisses his brothers off heathen will be destroyed by either me or the Trophy.  I don't want to know what it will be like when he does hit the teenage years.

So there you have it, the Mayans might be onto something.  Or the guy making the calendar ran out of rock to carve on...we'll find out on December 22, 2012.  See you guys then!


1 comment:

  1. Loved the posting and I have 2 conspiracy theorist friends that have literally scared the hell outta me a time or two. :/ I used to have a feedjit widget on my blog, and neither will read my blog anymore because of it (they called it a gov tracker) and though I have removed the widget, they still will not read my blog. I know they have been storing up on food and supplies since last summer. Enjoyed reading your posting.