Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Keep On Rollin'

Cub Scouts and Memorial Day!
Aside from participating in all three major Memorial Day Weekend events with the Cub Scouts, my wife's sister, brother-in-law and nieces came up from New York for the weekend...oh yeah and Oreo, their dog.  I know what you're thinking, I'm going to tell hilarious stories about the in-laws and Oreo....nah, I made a promise to my wife that I would not put them in my blog, but I can tell you if I was allowed, I wouldn't have to come up with 26 topics for next year's A to Z Challenge or 2014's for that matter.

So let me tell you about some of my weekend.  Saturday started off with a bang, I walked into our bedroom to get changed for the flag placement and smelled something....it wasn't me this time and #3 was outside with the other kids.  My cat had just booked out of the room and for good reason, he shit on my computer chair.  The two cats (Re-Re and Precious Princess) couldn't get to the litter box because of Oreo.  So Re-Re decided to defecate on my computer chair.  Makes sense to me, that's what I will do next time I can't get to the bathroom because #1 is in it and #3 is clogging the small bathroom, I'll squat and shit on the dining room chair where Re-Re sleeps and see how he likes it.

We had plenty of food all weekend long too.  My sister-in-law figured instead of making meals all weekend long or, God forbid, ordering something out, we would cook up the meat from three and a half pigs.  We had twenty pounds of ribs, eighteen pounds of pulled pork, ten pounds of potato salad and coleslaw and three pounds of macaroni salad.  Oreo stop!  We had enough food to feed ALL of those starving kids you see on TV with Rob Reiner.  Talk about humans being a barbaric species, there is no way of eating this sort of feast without making a gigantic mess, whoever said you can wear white on Memorial Day Weekend obviously never ate a couple of swine with my family.  Which is also the reason why I gained three pounds this weekend.

Monday, after the parade, we decided to go roller skating...now when I say we, I mean I was told we were going roller skating and had no say in the decision.  The local roller skating rink was having a Memorial Day special for a minor charge of like $45 per person, you could roller skate, play laser tag, eat all you can eat pizza and drink all you can drink soda.  Well in my case it was $45 to sit and not roller skate, try to play laser tag and watch the kids devour cheese pizza and spill sodas all over the place.  Oh, I forgot to tell you we inherited the neighbor's daughter for this excursion as well, this weekend we were like Bebe's Kids, they don't die...they multiple.

So after feasting on several large cheese, cardboard pizzas and guzzling sugar filled sodas, they decided to hit the rink.  I know, you're wondering why I didn't go roller skating with them, that's a simple answer.  I don't fucking roller skate.  I never learned, despite going to Interskate 91 many, many times with my friends growing up.  I was the fat kid who, once got going, couldn't stop until he slammed himself into the wall in front of him.  I couldn't turn, so I would go straight, hit the wall, turn myself with the assistance of the wall and repeat.  I decided back then I don't skate (roller or ice) and I never will.  Now fast forward 25 years to a body that is older, more brittle and not as flexible, oh and I am not remotely coordinated.

So I sat, until divine intervention happened.  #1 decided at that point in time that he doesn't skate and was brought over to me.  I looked at him, he looked at me.  I smiled at his misfortune, because I can recall feeling how he felt...

"So, couldn't do it huh?"


"Hmm, wanna know something?"

"Sure, what's that?"

"I don't know how to roller skate either and I...."

"Yeah Dad I know, you're not remotely coordinated and suck at it not to mention you're too old anyway."

".....um, thanks buddy."

Silence arrived for a few minutes.

"You want to go play Laser Tag?"


So we decided to play Laser Tag, we got in line and waited.  I looked down at #1 and thought to myself, "I hope you're on the other team so I can shoot you for the old comment, you little bastard."  Well we got into the "briefing room" with the eighteen other players.  It was a good combination of adults and kids.  We sat and watched the video, broke into teams (#1 and I were on the same team..dammit) and geared up.  Now if you have never played Laser Tag, it's like paintball without the welts at the end.  We enter the black light lit arena and take our sides.

Cute and innocent...my ass!
The next thing I know I was surrounded by tiny little Rambos.  They were coming out of everywhere, rolling out from behind the barriers, popping up from the hidden spots. I swear one of them had a Wii controller in their teeth like a big knife, one even blacked out his eyes and teeth so they wouldn't glow in the black light. They were ruthless. 

I thought to myself, as I waited for the pack and gun to recharge for the 25th time (it shuts off for about twenty seconds when you get hit), the military will have no problem getting super soldiers in ten years or we are in for a world of anarchy, it all depends on the path they choose. 

I stumbled out of the war zone and checked my standings on the screen, out of twenty I was 18th, ranked above the two grandparents who were in there.  Eh, whatever, it's only a game....until.

"Yeah! We rule!  Did you see those old people in there?"

"OMG (yes he said OH EM GEE) they were so slow."

"Let's do it again, this time hopefully we can have a challenge." 

My turn.
I looked at the little shits, looked up at the score screen and looked back at the snot nosed little freaks.  #1 saw the look in my eye and he smiled.  I knew he was thinking "Yeah, that's right you little bitches, you pissed of my Dad, you're fucked now you twat waffles."  Wait....he doesn't read my blog how did he know about twat waffles from Crap That Bugs Me!  Oh well it didn't matter, those little shits were done for.  Game on bitches!  I entered and geared up.  I looked at #1, nodded and he knew it was time for a good old fashioned Minion ass whooping, too bad #2 and #3 were busy skating, we could have taken over the whole place.

His brain jumped into gear and our minds linked, without even saying a word we knew what to do.  I headed to one end of the arena and took my post, #1 stayed behind to draw fire.  He was using smart warfare, dodging in and out of the protective barriers he caught the attention of all of the little Rambos and one by one, I dropped each and everyone of them.  Every time I saw green lights, I fired.  No one knew what hit them.  Each and every time they were tagged out, they waited and went back for another round.  "You may be younger than I am little Wombat, but I have experience and brains on my side...oh and your mom, tell her thanks for last night kid."  Actually I just smiled to myself while picking off each one.

The timer went off and the smoke cleared the air, I checked the score screen and I was ranked two out of twenty and our team won.  I watched each and everyone of the defeated "tweens" skulk away, knowing they just had their asses handed to them by an "old guy".  I had my moment of grandeur for the day, but I was ultimately removed from glory when I was told to go and sit at the bouncy house to watch #2 and #3 while everyone else went back to roller skating.  Nothing knocks you down a peg like sitting by yourself watching the Minions try to knock themselves out with foam filled shapes in an air filled jumpy house.  Ah the life of a Dad.


  1. Sounds like a fabulous weekend was had by all! Hope you are not still nursing your meat hangover! Thanks for the twat waffle shoutout!

  2. You shot at children?! You lucky sod!!

  3. I'm with Lilly! On behalf of parents world-wide, I congratulate you for vindicating parents everywhere and putting the little shits back in their places. On a different note, I'm almost done being mad at you, now that I've got the damn 11 questions blog done. lol http://www.blondiemcbaffled.com/2012/05/11-questions-gamedang-it.html

    1. It felt great, the fear in the little bastard's eyes, it was awesome and whew I was getting really worried you were severely pissed at me...LOL

  4. WOW on the brontosaurus BBQ. We barely got thru ours b4 the grill caught on fire.

  5. I'm getting over a smoked pig hangover myself. The shooting at kids thing is a kick. Haven't done laser tag but a Nerf machine gun does the trick quite nicely. I think if we pass "twat waffle" around enough, we can get that jewel in the next updated Websters. It's good to have goals.

    1. Nerd guns = much amusement. We have an arsenal at our house.

      I agree, we should get Cheryl's phrase that pays out there.