Saturday, June 2, 2012

Screw Crabs, I Got Lobsters

Now that summer is upon us, the onslaught of summer commercials is upon us too.

I call bullshit on this one...not a SUV.
Car manufacturers, boasting that you can go EVERYWHERE with their SUV and do EVERYTHING because you drive their SUV.  I beg to differ, you cannot go EVERYWHERE because of border laws and a pesky little thing call an ocean and you cannot do EVERYTHING because they have not invented a flying car yet.

What they neglect to tell you is that you can't afford to do anything other than take your kids to the local duck pond to feed the water fowl because you now have a $600 a month car payment and you drained your bank account putting a down payment on the SUV.

Look!  It's the Dumbass Family!
Local attractions have been advertising heavily as well, amusement parks, museums, sports teams.  They all have the same "Family Pack" where you can save $1.00 a ticket when you purchase a Family of Four Pack...well that's great, but what if you are a Family of Five like me?  We're fucked I guess.  We wouldn't want to go to those places anyway, even if we did save the money on the "Family Pack" we would blow our entire weekly paycheck on food and trinkets.  Not to mention their parking fees.

 "Five hotdogs, three large sodas and a large order of french fries please."
(The Minions will eat their own dogs, but we can't give them too much liquid, #3 is potty training and #2 pisses his bed when he has too much liquid, they're like the Gremlins with the rules.)

 "That will be $150.26." 

 "Never mind give me one hotdog, one small soda, (you have refills right?) and skip the french fries."  

 "Yes sir, that will be $145.26."

They force you to buy the bigger packages and sizes because it doesn't make sense to get the less expensive items.  Well played asshats, well played.

I didn't come here to talk about that though, the one type of commercial that blows my mind each summer is the lobster commercial.  Everyone and their mom have lobster now and they all advertise it.  D'Angleo's has their "famous" lobster roll for like $19.99, 99 offers two types of lobster rolls, buttered and mayo based.  Even Longhorn Steakhouse, not Longhorn Seafoodhouse, is offering a lobster stuffed steak.  Every chain restaurant has some sort of "super duper, colossal" lobster sandwich or dish and this doesn't count the copious amount of fish fries and clam shacks that line the roads of every New England coastal town, which by the way is THE only way to get your seafood fix.

My question is this....if every place offers lobsters, why is lobster so fucking expensive?

It's a lobster orgy...can lobsters get crabs?

It's not endangered, especially in New England.  You can catch them rather easily, it's like the old "place a piece of cheese in the box propped up with a stick to catch the mouse" trick, they are dumb as a box of rocks.  Why do they cost $5.99+ a pound?  They have a shell that counts for a good percentage of the weight, you can't eat the whole thing what with the green goop and all.  If you order it boiled, you have to work your ass off to get to the meat and deal with the beady little eyes staring at you.  I supposed you burn calories when eating a lobster because of the workout you get, but then you drown the meat in butter so that cancels that out.

This is another barbaric feasting ritual that humans partake in and we call ourselves civilized.  If there was a Barbaric Feasting Festival or B.F.F. if you will it would showcase lobster, ribs, whole chickens and beer to wash it down.  Think about it, when you order a lobster and it gets delivered to your table you get the lobster, one roll, a tarp to protect your clothes (because you're the dumbass who wore white) and a tool set consisting of industrial strength pliers to crack the exoskeleton , an iron pick to dig out the meat tucked in the crevices and a pitch fork to rip the meat away from the exoskeleton.  I'm surprised OSHA doesn't require safety glasses, fire resistant gloves and hearing protection with every purchase of a lobster.

It's like going to the dentist...or a woodworking shop.
I like lobster and I get it one to two times a year but I have only ordered the whole beast twice.  The first time was when I was much younger and it arrived staring me down, I freaked out and had my Mom bust up the scary crustacean for me and the second time was when I was twenty.  A small group of use went out to dinner and I decided to give the crustacean challenge a shot again.  I failed miserably and no, I didn't have someone else bust the lobster up for me, I did however gouge the eyes off the thing because it kept staring at me.  It was a fiasco, shrapnel went flying everywhere, showering the other patrons in sharp red bits.  The waiter lost an eye from a rouge claw that I sent flying his way and I am still apologizing to the six year old that I covered in the green shit that you find inside.

I only get lobster in a roll, tail or my personal favorite, the Lazy Man's Lobster or "I'm Too Much of a Spaz Braking The Lobster I Need To Get It This Way" Lobster.  This way you get not only the lobster, without the effort but you also get the pounds of butter built in.  It comes with bread crumb topping and drowned in butter.  Not only do you get a roll, you get a salad as well to offset the fat ass dish you just ordered.  It's fantastic!

Getting back to my original question, why is lobster so expensive if everyone sells it now?  Shouldn't the cost be down because of the whole supply and demand concept?  It used to be served to prisoners back in the 1700 and 1800s, it's called the cockroach of the ocean and Bear Grylls can harpoon one from a makeshift spear made of a sharpened clam shell, seaweed and a bamboo stick.

Yes...I have a man crush on Bear Grylls.
Ah the joys of living in New England, summertime and the leaf peepers in the Fall...fuck them in the ass with a giant garden hoe, wait until September/October.


  1. Bear Grylls, the only human that makes wildlife and sea mammals, shit themselves in fear!

    If it breathes, then it's dinnertime.

    1. Every time one of my Minions swallows a bug or something, I just tell them that Bear Grylls does it on purpose.

  2. Did you see Day Thirteen on my blog? Yes, Lobster is expensive, but at least you can use your EBT card to buy it! Of course, you can't have it cooked at the store if you are using your EBT Card, which is totally's descrimination against EBT card users! Of course, I'm kidding. I eat Chicken of the Sea becauase I don't have an EBT card, and therefore, can't afford lobster! Great post!

    1. I did read Thirteen, loved it, and can totally relate.

  3. Lobster roll...lobster roll...lobster roll...!!

  4. I hear ya. I live on Cape Cod - blue claw crab is way better than lobster. Just wanted you to know that I referred to my kids as my minions today at our favorite farm stand as in, "my minions will run those egg cartons down to the chicken coop for you." So congratulations, your blog has seeped into my subconscious.

  5. Seriously laughing at the Bear Grylls! You do have a point with the Lobster price gouge tho- ouch. Down here in WV it depends on the size, they range from $30 and Up each. :/

  6. I total get the family of five thing...we are a family of seven and are now required to have 2 hotel rooms...

    1. No way, we will cram the Minions into one bed or bring our own air mattress.

  7. There is another kind of lobster too. We have some different beast that comes from the Pacific. All I know is that you can't touch either one of them under $17.99 a pound and that is a hell of a sale. I find lobster boils to be barbaric. I won't eat a whole lobster based solely on the principle that you throw a living creature into a pot of boiling water. I am not an animal rights activist or anything. I eat a lot of meat. . . its good for my muscles. . . .but could you imagine walking over to a pot of boiling water and tossing in, say, a guinea pig? Nope. Lobsters aren't cute. They look like bugs so we say "f you lobster!"

    1. I have never cooked a live lobster myself, I am the same way as you Gary. However, if I recall correctly you were part of the clam bake we had at CSR back in 1995? No lobsters but clams are alive when you do that...