Monday, March 25, 2013

Somebody Open A Window - I Smell Testosterone!

Welcome to a very special guest post AND the link up to the I Don't Like Mondays blog hop.  The guest post is from none other than The Trophy.  After a few requests and needs for wanting to get to know The Trophy and how she deals with the Minions and myself, she has agreed to do a guest post.  Also on top of this plethora of excitement, this is also my 200th post!  Enjoy!

My illustrious husband wanted me to write a blog about living in a house full of males. In a word, it stinks! No I really mean it. It STINKS! Now just to clarify, I grew up in a house with 6 brothers and 6 sisters (yes that's 13 total and yes we are all full biological brothers and sisters). I'm #10 and the last girl. We also had almost every farm animal you can think of at some point in my life (happily not all at the same time), so I'm not a stranger to smells. But being as I haven't lived in the house I grew up in in over 15 years, the current odors that have taken up residence in my home are not something that I've gotten used to (nor, I think, will I ever).

Part of the problem is that it's snuck up on me over the last 10 years. Now Kevin has never been anything close to being shy about his bodily functions. We had been dating less than two weeks when he first "blew up" my bathroom and has always been inordinately proud of his prowess at (of all things) farting. The joy he gets from gagging everyone within a five-mile radius is downright criminal!

The Minions (coming one at a time) have all taken after the Fart Master and now (3 boys later), I've looked into buying stock in Febreeze and Yankee Candle. The two elder Minions, being on the same school schedule and both refusing to crap in a public bathroom, are often blowing up BOTH toilets at the same time after returning home from school. This alone would not be a problem, but neither of them have yet figured out how to turn the fan on BEFORE they sit down to do their business and, just to add to the problem,the spray that sits conspicuously next to the toilet is apparently, to them, just a decoration. Combined, the grey cloud that escapes once they're done is enough to chase a skunk out of the house.

Number three, not to be outdone, is heard exclaiming, "Mommy, I'm done!!", on an average of three times a day. Not wanting to redecorate the bathroom and bathe him an equal number of times in a day, this translate to, "Mommy, wipe my butt!!" The only upside to this is that he is at least potty trained. The diaper situation was out of control this time last year. He also seems to be on a mission to empty every can of Febreeze that I have stock-piled, trying to make up for what the others DON'T use.

In addition to these recurrent clouds emanating from the various rooms of my house, Minion #1 has entered the preteen phase of his life. The showering problem (for more details read Kevin's blog CSI: Bathroom) being satisfactorily resolved for the moment, the most current development must have something to do with the males of the species showing off for the females. Me being the only female in the house, means that I am REQUIRED to have a front row seat. Now, keep in mind that I have been assured by every single one of his teachers, that #1 is "brilliant". The game he has taken to playing with Kevin usually plays out as follows...

"Alpha-Male, let's play lightsabers!"

"Ok, Boy Genius, just let me strategically place myself as close to Mommy as possible so she is the one to get hurt, urr I mean so she can see that I'm still the alpha-male."

"Cool! I'm going to keep attacking you even if you hurt me. I won't stop until you've got me crying."

"Only if you agree to follow Mommy anywhere she goes. This game is only fun if she can observe us and be within striking distance! Collateral damage adds an extra element of fun, don't you think?"

And so begins a sort of slow-motion game of tag. They beat on each other, all in "fun", while I go from room to room trying to escape from them. As stated by the "rules", they don't stop until someone is hurt and crying. This being a weekly occurrence, you would think that the Boy Genius would stop instigating and/or the Alpha-Male would learn his own strength, but sadly no. That apparently is not part of this particular male-bonding experience. The times that I've suggested this to them, they've both given me looks as if to say, "Mommy, you dear, sweet woman, what then would be the point of playing?" The odor that  lingers after all hostilities have ceased smells like sweat and, dare I say it, testosterone.

As this game is, as I said, a regular occurrence AND as Minions 2 and 3 are seen to be participating from time to time, I can only expect this male-bonding experience to expand in the coming years to something bordering on open warfare. I can only imagine the cloud of testosterone that will mushroom over our once peaceful home as the minions mature into Alpha-Males in their own right.

So if you ever drive by our house in the middle of winter and all the doors and windows are open, don't be alarmed. It's only me, trying to air out the odors that are produced in my 80% male household.  I ask only this; say a prayer for my sanity...and maybe send a can of Febreeze.


  1. We are currently in the initial stages (approximately 3 years worth) of trying to get our 2 oldest sons to move out of our basement. I'm not sure how we're going to get the smell out of there, but we're looking forward to being able to go back down there without gagging.

    Our smallest son just turned 13 and I can't believe the incredible digestive powers that kid has! I know this because the first thing he does when he gets home from school is take a huge dump and then, walk away without flushing. Leaving it there to linger and then punch me in the face when I get withing 15 feet of the crapper. Then I have to fight my way through the smell, into the bathroom to flush the offending goodie away.

    My sympathies are with you.

  2. How I feel your pain! I am the only female (besides a dog and cat) in my household of Star Wars loving males as well. I've got plenty of Febreze, so if you run out, just give a holla! I have my own ammunition, however and they know it. I can clear a room in under 10 seconds and for a good hour. You gotta fight back. ;)

  3. Wow - you make me so happy that I only have one 15 year old girl!! However, I have taught her to belch like a truck driver (I'm so proud!!) and because she is a dancer, her feet can clear a room. She's pretty discreet with her other bodily functions - hallelujah!

  4. So funny! It's opposite in my house. My husband is the only male... Besides the dog. Sometimes I feel really bad for him!


    Valerie Nunez and the Flying Platypi

  5. Sass Monkey will "present" his bum for a check after each of his.... "eliminations" because he thinks it's funny to stick his stinky rear in my face. *sigh* I had no idea little boy butt could be so... powerful. So, it doesn't end, huh? Damn.

  6. If I may be so humble, The Trophy, you may change your perspective on farting after you read the lengths I went to regarding my devotion to the flatulent arts. (RE: Pickleope True Tales Of Horrible Human Humiliation. I would add a link, but I'm too dumb to figure out how to leave a link in the comments).

  7. Hahaha! This takes me back to when I was much younger and having to deal with the noxious fumes from my brothers and dad, whose emissions alone, rivaled a chemical sewage plant.

    Great post Mrs Kevin. You should definitely have your own blog! :)

  8. This made me laugh! I "discovered" you in checking out who is in the A to Z Blogging Challenge. I'm your newest (laughing!) follower! Looking forward to seeing your posts for the Challenge.

    I'm blogging at and

  9. I'm the only guy in my household, so things smell around here, but in a different way. Like flowers. Or candles. Or incense. It's terrible, inhuman living conditions. A moment of silence, please.

  10. My mother was the only female in our house. She made sure to bring that to our attention often. I didn't see what the big deal was, but she sure thought it deserved some sympathy.

  11. Came looking for A to Z but you haven't posted yet, I will pop back purely on the basis of the rubber chicken story which was excellent:-)

  12. Mom of ten -- seven are boys. I feel your pain!

  13. Thank you for sharing this information with us! I heard that there are some people who are looking for health supplements which increase testosterone levels.

    increase testosterone