Somebody Open A Window - I Smell Testosterone!

Welcome to a very special guest post AND the link up to the I Don't Like Mondays blog hop.  The guest post is from none other than The Trophy.  After a few requests and needs for wanting to get to know The Trophy and how she deals with the Minions and myself, she has agreed to do a guest post.  Also on top of this plethora of excitement, this is also my 200th post!  Enjoy!

My illustrious husband wanted me to write a blog about living in a house full of males. In a word, it stinks! No I really mean it. It STINKS! Now just to clarify, I grew up in a house with 6 brothers and 6 sisters (yes that's 13 total and yes we are all full biological brothers and sisters). I'm #10 and the last girl. We also had almost every farm animal you can think of at some point in my life (happily not all at the same time), so I'm not a stranger to smells. But being as I haven't lived in the house I grew up in in over 15 years, the current odors that have taken up residence in my home are not something that I've gotten used to (nor, I think, will I ever).

Part of the problem is that it's snuck up on me over the last 10 years. Now Kevin has never been anything close to being shy about his bodily functions. We had been dating less than two weeks when he first "blew up" my bathroom and has always been inordinately proud of his prowess at (of all things) farting. The joy he gets from gagging everyone within a five-mile radius is downright criminal!

The Minions (coming one at a time) have all taken after the Fart Master and now (3 boys later), I've looked into buying stock in Febreeze and Yankee Candle. The two elder Minions, being on the same school schedule and both refusing to crap in a public bathroom, are often blowing up BOTH toilets at the same time after returning home from school. This alone would not be a problem, but neither of them have yet figured out how to turn the fan on BEFORE they sit down to do their business and, just to add to the problem,the spray that sits conspicuously next to the toilet is apparently, to them, just a decoration. Combined, the grey cloud that escapes once they're done is enough to chase a skunk out of the house.

Number three, not to be outdone, is heard exclaiming, "Mommy, I'm done!!", on an average of three times a day. Not wanting to redecorate the bathroom and bathe him an equal number of times in a day, this translate to, "Mommy, wipe my butt!!" The only upside to this is that he is at least potty trained. The diaper situation was out of control this time last year. He also seems to be on a mission to empty every can of Febreeze that I have stock-piled, trying to make up for what the others DON'T use.

In addition to these recurrent clouds emanating from the various rooms of my house, Minion #1 has entered the preteen phase of his life. The showering problem (for more details read Kevin's blog CSI: Bathroom) being satisfactorily resolved for the moment, the most current development must have something to do with the males of the species showing off for the females. Me being the only female in the house, means that I am REQUIRED to have a front row seat. Now, keep in mind that I have been assured by every single one of his teachers, that #1 is "brilliant". The game he has taken to playing with Kevin usually plays out as follows...

"Alpha-Male, let's play lightsabers!"

"Ok, Boy Genius, just let me strategically place myself as close to Mommy as possible so she is the one to get hurt, urr I mean so she can see that I'm still the alpha-male."

"Cool! I'm going to keep attacking you even if you hurt me. I won't stop until you've got me crying."

"Only if you agree to follow Mommy anywhere she goes. This game is only fun if she can observe us and be within striking distance! Collateral damage adds an extra element of fun, don't you think?"

And so begins a sort of slow-motion game of tag. They beat on each other, all in "fun", while I go from room to room trying to escape from them. As stated by the "rules", they don't stop until someone is hurt and crying. This being a weekly occurrence, you would think that the Boy Genius would stop instigating and/or the Alpha-Male would learn his own strength, but sadly no. That apparently is not part of this particular male-bonding experience. The times that I've suggested this to them, they've both given me looks as if to say, "Mommy, you dear, sweet woman, what then would be the point of playing?" The odor that  lingers after all hostilities have ceased smells like sweat and, dare I say it, testosterone.

As this game is, as I said, a regular occurrence AND as Minions 2 and 3 are seen to be participating from time to time, I can only expect this male-bonding experience to expand in the coming years to something bordering on open warfare. I can only imagine the cloud of testosterone that will mushroom over our once peaceful home as the minions mature into Alpha-Males in their own right.

So if you ever drive by our house in the middle of winter and all the doors and windows are open, don't be alarmed. It's only me, trying to air out the odors that are produced in my 80% male household.  I ask only this; say a prayer for my sanity...and maybe send a can of Febreeze.

Screw The Hiatus

OK, so I announced a small hiatus last week and a few people thought I was already on one.  What the hell people?  March is always a tough month for motivation and throw in that pesky real life, it sucks, not to mention that real life has been blog blocking me too.  The Minions are not producing their normal antics, people watching is fruitless and the news is already being covered by everyone else and to be honest, I am saving myself for the A to Z Challenge which starts in a couple of weeks.

Anyway, there are some updates to share with you my faithful readers and one really big disappointment that prompted me out of my hiatus, plus I wanted to hook up with Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom...wait that sounded bad...what I meant was I wanted to hook up to her I Don't Like Mondays Blog Hop.

Let's begin shall we?

I came home from work one evening to find the Trophy planting little seeds in little dirt pits in our kitchen.  I stopped and stared for a moment and then asked, "What's going on?"  The Trophy has decided that we are spending too much money at the grocery store on food so she decided to buy seeds and starter kits.  This is the same woman who can kill a cactus.  Well a week later we have sprouts and a plan to build a garden in our yard.  On the brighter side this means I will have less yard to mow.

Inch by inch, row by row....

Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day and I am not Irish at all, so I use it as an excuse to drink and eat a shitload of corned beef.  Each year the Trophy makes an awesome, yet simple, corned beef and cabbage dinner for St. Patrick's Day.  She puts the beef into the crockpot followed by the potatoes and carrots and lets it cook all day long.  The juices from the corned beef get into the potatoes and she uses the juice to boil the cabbage.  All this hard work and she forgets one thing, after eating this meal I can destroy a small nation with my farts.  Add #3 into the mix and we could conquer the world.  I apologize to everyone who I encounter today in advance.

What REALLY prompted me to break my hiatus was the devastating news that Mod Mom Tweeted at me this morning.

I've been doing a review of the pile of shit that is 50 Shades of Grey in secret (not anymore) hopes that Emma Watson would play Steeley in the movie and now I get this Tweet crushing my dreams?  Sons a bitches! By the way you can catch up on my review HERE.  

Dude, I don't care what you say, Emma Watson would make a good Steeley in the movie but Mod Mom went further with a reply Tweet...

Wait...you mean...maybe, just maybe, Emma Watson has been reading my reviews or at least the studios are reading my blog?  Holy fucking shit, that would be cool.  But that is just a dream probably.  I wonder who my most famous reader is (besides the Six Fingered Monkey).

So that is why I am linking up to the I Don't Like Mondays Blog Hop, the devastating news the Hermione Granger is denying being in the movie.

I Bet You Can't...

This is my I Don't Like Mondays blog post, for which I am grateful to Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom for giving everyone a nice pulpit to bitch and complain...not that I needed another avenue to rant about something.

Many of you know that I use Facebook, along with 99.99% of the world's population (hell even homeless people use Facebook) and that there are some things the bug the shit out of me when it comes to, what we've affectionately called Fakebook.  The latest thing that has been bugging the ever living shit out of me are these ri-fucking-diculous "I bet you can't name a _______ that doesn't have the letter _______ in it.  It's REALLY tough (winky face emoticon).  Good luck!

This is one a fellow blogger had the sack to post on my wall.

Are you fucking serious?  What have we become as a race?  Even Minion #2 who is in Kindergarten can do this and these are being posted by adults? Adults who more than likely have graduated from a facility of higher learning.  These are not cute, they are not funny, they make humans look dumber than a box of wombat shit.  I can guarantee that an alien race is watching this and their high council has declared that the humans have become dumb enough and the time is right to begin the assault.

It's not just states either, there are fish ones too.  Name a fish that does not have the letter A in it.  That's stupid, dolphin doesn't have a letter A in it....

**and for those who thought I was serious on the dolphin thing...lighten up Francis, it was a closing joke.

Tuesday, The New Monday

I had to look at my calendar several times this morning to make sure it wasn't Monday.

Yes you idiot, we will conquer the world!

Each day of the week seems to have its own comic book persona, Monday is like an Evil Genius, starting the work week, plotting your demise, Tuesday is the Evil Genius's bumbling assistant, not quite as bad as the Evil Genius, but tries to impress Monday by making things a little bit worse.  Wednesday and Thursday are like the sidekicks to the "important" superheros, working for good and giving you hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel, yet no one really cares about them.  Friday is the first responder of the the "important" superheros, much like Flash, first on the scene but not quite able to quell the Legion of Doom.  Saturday is the real super hero, much like Superman or Captain America, arriving just in the nick of time to save the day and Sunday is the super hero's alter ego, waiting for Monday to start it's shit all over again.

This week it seems that Monday sent his bumbling assistant in first and then reared his ugly head today.  Yesterday was a pretty decent day, no major malfunctions, things went smoothly and the Minions were not complete animals.  Yesterday ended good and it was productive, so silly me thought that the rest of the week would be easy peasy.  I...was...wrong.

I woke up this morning, like I do every morning, except that I am still recouping from last weekend helping run the reunion.  Even the Trophy woke up early to exercise and decided to crawl back in bed until my alarm went off.  Most of the events that happened in the 45 minutes were fairly normal, for us anyway, but there were two conversations that we had this morning that made us know today was in fact Monday in disguise.

I didn't pee....

The Trophy's conversation with #2 was the first to arrive....

"Why are you sitting in the bathroom naked?"

"I don't know."  (The Trophy's eye started to twitch)

"Did you have an accident last night?  Your blanket was in the big bathroom."

"No..."

"#2....don't lie to me, you're sitting here naked and I know you woke up in the middle of the night."

"I'm not lying, I didn't have an accident...this morning."  (Ah ha, "...this morning.")

"What do you mean this morning?"

"When I woke up."  (Thank you Captain Obvious)

"Did you pee the bed last night, I'm going to check."

"No! I remember now, I did have an accident in my bed." (Now it's like CSI, when they interrogate the criminal)

"Get up here and change your sheets, put them in the laundry and know that I am very upset that you lied to me!  Do you like sleeping in your own urine?"

"It was warm...."

Yeah so, there was the start of the Trophy's day, during all of this, the Minion's Minions arrived for the day so now #2 is embarrassed.  Then there was my conversation with #3, or I should say game of charades with #3.  Let me paint the scene for you, #3 did his normal knock, knock, knock on his bedroom door and I let him out, the Trophy took him in the bathroom, where she found #2 naked.  Her attention was diverted to #2 so I took over the #3 duties.  He decided that he wanted Cookie Crisp (yes we are THOSE parents who let their kids eat sugary cereal, so sue us) for breakfast.  So a bowl was filled with cereal and milk and served to #3.

A kid of few words...

(#3 pouting and crying)

"What's wrong dude?"

"Ugh!" (At this point in his life he can talk and communicate but this morning he has decided to grunt and point)

"What are you pointing at?"

(#3 still pointing at his cereal and grunting)

"What's wrong with your cereal, that's what you asked for!"

(#3 starts crying now)

"Seriously?  You need to tell me what is wrong with your cereal!)

"Look" (Whoa, he spoke!)

"What, it's Cookie Crisp, they look like miniature chocolate chip cookies!  Milk and chocolate chip cookies go hand in hand!"

(Still pointing at the cereal, but this time touching one of the cookie wafers)

"There's something wrong with that piece of cereal?"  (It's like communicating with Lassie, so I pick the piece of cereal up)

(#3 nods, at last we have the source of his frustration)

"Well, um, it looks like Cookie Crisp, except there aren't any chocolate spots on the piece."

"Yes!  Not cookie!"  (He spoke again, holy shit knockers)

"You mean to tell me, you freaked out for ten minutes because this one piece of cereal didn't look like a chocolate chip cookie?"

"Yup."

"Well we can solve that problem..." (I ate the piece of cereal so he didn't have to suffer choking down an inferior piece of Cookie Crisp)

"Dad!  Waaaaaahhhhaaaaaaa!"  (Cue the crying again)

At this point I decided ti was time for me to leave for work.  On this mutant of a day I felt I would be safer at work than if I stayed a second longer with the Minions....I hope the Trophy survived alright.

Yes, yes I do have a case of the Mondays....