A To Z Challenge: Idiots

One badass bounty hunter.

What better topic to write about for the letter I than idiots.  The problem is these idiots are my own flesh and blood, these idiots are the Minions.

Minions #1 and #2 are in school and #3 stays home with the Trophy.  We went to the parent teacher conferences a little while back and both teachers told us what smart kids they were, they both apologized for us having to go there to waste our time because they wasn't anything to go over and both teachers told us they are far advanced academically.  #1's teacher actually used the word genius.  #1 is in third grade but in sixth grade reading and math level and #2 is in kindergarten but is reading Harry Potter chapter books and is in a group that reads to second graders.  Minion #3 is far advanced as well for his age at home with the Trophy.

The problem is I don't see it.

Lately #3 is turning into Beaker from the Muppets.  He has clear sentences and words but he gets too excited and starts talking WAY too fast.  When we ask him to slow down so we can understand him, he goes to the extreme and puts his hands in his mouth and mumbles.  On top of that he lacks common sense, granted he is only three but he should have enough common sense to NOT walk into a wall.  But put a book in front of him and he will tell you the story, he won't read it yet but he can tell you the story of the book.


#1 is nine going on nineteen, which means he is having growing pains.  This is the same kid who the teachers call a genius..again I don't see it.  Out of the three he probably has the least amount of idiot in him, however it's still there.  During dinner, we will look him straight in the eye and tell him after he is done eating to clean up the Legos he had out.  Once he is done eating he will get up, clear his place, put the dishes in the sink, throw his trash away and then get in the shower.  Legos and shower rhyme right?  When we ask him why he didn't pick up the Legos, he tells us he thought we said shower.  He's an idiot or maybe it's the earwax taking over.

Then there is #2.  #2 has turned into an Alzheimer patient...and don't groan on that, it's the only thing I can compare him to.  Everything he does he forgets the last step, it's the weirdest thing.  He cleans the litter box and does everything fine, right up to putting the top back on.  He will go into his room to get something and he forgets to turn the light off.  He will get dressed right up to putting a shirt on.  He pours himself a bowl of cereal and forgets the milk.  You get the picture.  The latest thing he has done was to try to sneak candy from Easter, needless to say he got caught not because we were smart enough to catch him but he was leaving candy wrappers in his hiding places, which were usually the bathrooms.  When we caught him we had it out with him but guess what?  He's an idiot like his brothers and he did it again, this time from #1's basket.

This goes back to the whole Bill Cosby routine...my kids have brain damage, they're loaded with it.

I Bet You Can't...

This is my I Don't Like Mondays blog post, for which I am grateful to Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom for giving everyone a nice pulpit to bitch and complain...not that I needed another avenue to rant about something.

Many of you know that I use Facebook, along with 99.99% of the world's population (hell even homeless people use Facebook) and that there are some things the bug the shit out of me when it comes to, what we've affectionately called Fakebook.  The latest thing that has been bugging the ever living shit out of me are these ri-fucking-diculous "I bet you can't name a _______ that doesn't have the letter _______ in it.  It's REALLY tough (winky face emoticon).  Good luck!

This is one a fellow blogger had the sack to post on my wall.

Are you fucking serious?  What have we become as a race?  Even Minion #2 who is in Kindergarten can do this and these are being posted by adults? Adults who more than likely have graduated from a facility of higher learning.  These are not cute, they are not funny, they make humans look dumber than a box of wombat shit.  I can guarantee that an alien race is watching this and their high council has declared that the humans have become dumb enough and the time is right to begin the assault.

It's not just states either, there are fish ones too.  Name a fish that does not have the letter A in it.  That's stupid, dolphin doesn't have a letter A in it....

**and for those who thought I was serious on the dolphin thing...lighten up Francis, it was a closing joke.

Excuse Me Ma'am, You're A Shitbrick

Normally little petty things like what happened to me today I let roll off my back like water off a duck's ass but this was the second time in less than a week this exact instance happened to me.

See?  Water does roll off a duck's ass.

Oh sorry, I didn't fill you in on the details.  I have been waking up late the past few mornings because of the perfect sleeping factors.  The fan blowing in on you, the cool, fresh summer air, you know the ideal sleeping conditions.  So because I have been rolling my fat ass out of bed fifteen minutes later than normal I haven't had time to construct my lunch.  What this means is I have been going to Subway for lunch, it's easy, fairly cheap and healthier than the other alternatives.

I have no issues with Subway whatsoever, except for that one time where they messed up my sandwich, I like them, they are sandwich artists (gotta say it with a French accent..ar-Tists) and did I mention they are cheap.  They have been popping up all over the place out here lately, I think someone is going nuts with the franchises and more power to them.

Oops, I still haven't told you about the situation or should I say situations that set me off.  Last Friday I went to Subway and there were two people in line ahead of me, together, a male and female, in their late 50s.  The female or shitbrick if you will ordered a sub while the male or fuck face was on his phone.  Every Subway employee is trained to ask if you would like another sandwich after you place your initial order, kind of like the old "Do you want fries with that?".  This is where the fun began...

"Yes, we are going to need, um, honey what does Billy want?"

(Whilst on the phone) "Hang on, I'm waiting for him to come to the phone."

"OK, snookums, what about Brittany?"

(Still on the phone) "Bertha, put Brittany on the phone...what kind of sandwich do you want?"

(Repeating to shitbrick) "Ham and cheese."

"What kind of bread?", asks the Subway dude.

"What kind of bread?", shitbrick relays to fuck face.

"What kind of bread?", fuck face asks Brittany.

At this point my left eye started to twitch.  I looked at both of them and thought who the hell doesn't know how to order a sub at Subway?  They have the same items on the menu with the exception of the sub of the month.  They use the same ingredients on your sandwich, have the same bread and they even have the same condiments.  It's like going to KFC and asking what they serve...they serve fucking chicken you dingle berry!

I will spare you the rest of the conversation but I can assure you it followed suit with the beginning.  It took these jamokes ten minutes to order five subs for themselves, Brittany, Bertha and Billy.  Holy shit knockers!  But, this was a rare occurrence...or so I thought, fast forward to today.

It was a different Subway this time yet there were two people ahead of me.  This time it was a young, portly girl who didn't subscribe to the Chicken Theory, more of the pizza and french fries theory, and her (what I presume) mother.  Now, I've learned one thing having the Minions, you don't let them order their meals at a place like this, there are too many options and it just confuses the shit out of them.

"What would you like Tundra?"

"What do they have mumma?

"Well they have your favorite."

"Oh, I want the meat right there."  (As she points a little Jimmy Dean finger at the glass)

"What kind of bread would you like?" (I roll my eyes and sigh deeply, here we go again)

"What kinds do you have?" (What the fuck?  What kid that age and that chubby asks what kind of bread, just give her Wonder Bread for Christ's sake!  At this point I would have been ordering for her, especially with the fifteen other customers that strolled in.)

"We have....(insert all the breads here)."

"Which one is white bread?"  (Arrrrrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhh!!!)

"OK, which meat did you want?"

"That one."  (Both eyes are twitching now.)

"OK, the steak and cheese, will there be another sub?", the Subway dude asks mumma who is now on the phone..

"Huh? Oh sorry I was getting the other orders, hang on I'm getting them."

What the holy shitballs is going on?  This vaginal yeast infected blood fart is copying shitbrick and fuck face from Friday!  Are you shitting me?  How is this even possible?  Maybe they are aliens who are tracking me and know when I'm going to Subway, they beam themselves down just before I walk in and piss me the fuck off.

OK, it's class time for those of you reading this who do that.  Pay attention to the lesson that Professor K is about to learn you.  Here is a dose of Subway etiquette.

Alright class, settle down

 First, if you have a big order, meaning more than two subs, write that shit down BEFORE you enter Subway.  If you do that, you can just order the subs, bang, bang, bang or even better hand the list to the ar-Tist, they can read, it's a job requirement.

Second, put your goddamn cell phone away when it's your turn to order.  It's a distraction like texting and driving and just as dangerous.  You could end up with an angry blogger all up on your shit.  This rule goes for any restaurant, whether it's a fast food or a sit down, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR ONE WAY CONVERSATION.

Third, know what you want BEFORE you step up to the "Order Here" sign.  If Subway is new to you, like if you're an exchange student from Somolia,  take a few minutes to peruse the menu and get acquainted with it.  It's not a long menu, they have like sixteen types of sandwiches, it's not rocket science.

Fourth, when it comes to what bread you want, it's simple.  Italian= white, wheat is the darker brown one, oats and honey is the one with the crunchy shit on top and Italian herb an cheese is the one with the brown schmeckus melted on top and honestly they all taste about the same.  Think about what kind of bread you have at home and order that one.

Finally, yes, there are items that you can add to your sandwich that cost extra.  Don't act all surprised when you ask for bacon, avocado and extra cheese and they tell you that it will be four dollars more.  There are signs all over the place telling you that.

Extra credit, most of the newer Subways have actually instructions on how to order your sandwich, seriously, they do starting with 1.  Choose your bread...imagine that.

In the future, take my lesson to heart and don't be a shitbrick or a fuck face at Subway, the masses that have gathered behind you will thank you or at least not maim you.

This kids, is a vaginal yeast infected blood fart, take note and stab him.