Meet Mr. Shitbrick

If you recall I had two previous shitbrick experiences in the past and both of them came at Subway franchises.  If you don't recall you can head here and read about it.  Again, take your time just make sure you come back here to finish this post.

Since then I have been in several Subway franchises with no problems what-so-ever.  Even the Banana Pepper Princesses that work there don't bother me as much as my friend Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom.  Again, it's healthier, cheaper and a better value than a lot of other fast food joints.  I have to say it really amazes me how a seasoned sandwich ar-Tist can take multiple orders and rarely screw it up.  I almost forgot about my shitbrick experiences until today at lunchtime.

I decided to go to a brand new, grand opened Subway along my travels in a metropolis in Massachusetts.  I walked in and holy crap on a cracker! this place was modern!  The good news was there was nobody in line when I walked in so I decided to go the bathroom, bad mistake.  In the less than five minutes of urination, washing my hands and heading back to the counter, about eleven people ended up in front of me.  I'm in a good mood today so I thought to myself, "Not a problem, the ar-Tists are usually really quick, even if they have to toast a sub."  How quickly I forget what happens to people when they are in line in front of me.  Their common sense disappears.

The first few customers breezed through without a hitch, then came Mr. Professional Computer Salesguy in his fancy penny loafers, pleated Dockers, blue shirt with a white collar and stupid-ass tie.  He was wearing his trendy glasses and his dome was so shiny I could see the people behind me in it.  Then I noticed it...the blue tooth earpiece.  Who the hell uses those things anymore?  That's when it started...

This guys starts having a conversation with absolutely no one.

"Y-ello"

"I'm at Subway, getting lunch."

"Sure I can pick up some subs, how many?"

"Hang on, I have someone on the other line."

"Y-ello?"

"No, I'm at Subway getting lunch."

Luckily there were still a couple of people in front of him so this conversation wasn't getting on my nerves...yet.  Then it was his turn...

"Hang on, I'm about to order."  (No, no, fucking no.  Hang up the phone and place your order or step aside and let the rest of the people who know what they want get on with their lives.)

"I'll take a foot long "I'm a turd eater" on wheat bread, a foot long "My friend's a shitbrick" on Italian, a six inch "My penis is much smaller than that" on wheat, no, make that two of those and a six inch "My mom's a whore" on Italian."

Now there is one thing I've learned when ordering at Subway, you start with the bread first, especially when you have multiple subs.  It makes it easier on you, the ar-Tist and the people you're pissing off behind you.  Don't rattle off your entire sandwich order, if you get lost with this, please refer to the big fucking stickers that have the steps in numerical order on the glass.

So after having to repeat the sandwiches a few times instead of following the rules of Subway, this assclown is holding everyone up some more.  The rest of the order goes somewhat smoothly until...

"Oh shit, I forgot Mr. Vaginal Yeast Infected Blood Fart on the other line!"

Clicks over to Mr. V.Y.I.B.F. and proceeds to waltz his shiny bald ass back to the "Order Here" sign.

"He wants to know what kind of bread you have."

WHAT THE HOLY FUCK!  Do I instantly attract shitbricks in a Subway shop?  For the sake of repeating myself I will tell you, if you have never been into a Subway or any other fast food restaurant for that matter, step the shit aside and let the ones who know what is going on proceed with their order.  Again, it's like going to Pizza Hut and asking what they serve, they serve fucking pizza you wombat!

So, he finally gets the super order together and pays for it.  I proudly step up to the plate and order my sandwich like a pro...

"Can I help you?"

"Yes, can I get a foot long on wheat?"

"Sure what kind of sandwich would you like?"  (See?  You should wait for them to ask you that.)

"Ham and swiss cheese please, not toasted."

"And for veggies?"

"Everything except tomatoes and jalapeno peppers."

"Dressing?"

"Light mayo and salt and pepper.  Also I'm sorry you had to deal with shitbrick and the stupidity that he oozed."

"Thank you, your sandwich is on the house."

That's a lie, but I did make the Banana Pepper Princess laugh when I told her "..and that's how you order a sandwich."

Excuse Me Ma'am, You're A Shitbrick

Normally little petty things like what happened to me today I let roll off my back like water off a duck's ass but this was the second time in less than a week this exact instance happened to me.

See?  Water does roll off a duck's ass.

Oh sorry, I didn't fill you in on the details.  I have been waking up late the past few mornings because of the perfect sleeping factors.  The fan blowing in on you, the cool, fresh summer air, you know the ideal sleeping conditions.  So because I have been rolling my fat ass out of bed fifteen minutes later than normal I haven't had time to construct my lunch.  What this means is I have been going to Subway for lunch, it's easy, fairly cheap and healthier than the other alternatives.

I have no issues with Subway whatsoever, except for that one time where they messed up my sandwich, I like them, they are sandwich artists (gotta say it with a French accent..ar-Tists) and did I mention they are cheap.  They have been popping up all over the place out here lately, I think someone is going nuts with the franchises and more power to them.

Oops, I still haven't told you about the situation or should I say situations that set me off.  Last Friday I went to Subway and there were two people in line ahead of me, together, a male and female, in their late 50s.  The female or shitbrick if you will ordered a sub while the male or fuck face was on his phone.  Every Subway employee is trained to ask if you would like another sandwich after you place your initial order, kind of like the old "Do you want fries with that?".  This is where the fun began...

"Yes, we are going to need, um, honey what does Billy want?"

(Whilst on the phone) "Hang on, I'm waiting for him to come to the phone."

"OK, snookums, what about Brittany?"

(Still on the phone) "Bertha, put Brittany on the phone...what kind of sandwich do you want?"

(Repeating to shitbrick) "Ham and cheese."

"What kind of bread?", asks the Subway dude.

"What kind of bread?", shitbrick relays to fuck face.

"What kind of bread?", fuck face asks Brittany.

At this point my left eye started to twitch.  I looked at both of them and thought who the hell doesn't know how to order a sub at Subway?  They have the same items on the menu with the exception of the sub of the month.  They use the same ingredients on your sandwich, have the same bread and they even have the same condiments.  It's like going to KFC and asking what they serve...they serve fucking chicken you dingle berry!

I will spare you the rest of the conversation but I can assure you it followed suit with the beginning.  It took these jamokes ten minutes to order five subs for themselves, Brittany, Bertha and Billy.  Holy shit knockers!  But, this was a rare occurrence...or so I thought, fast forward to today.

It was a different Subway this time yet there were two people ahead of me.  This time it was a young, portly girl who didn't subscribe to the Chicken Theory, more of the pizza and french fries theory, and her (what I presume) mother.  Now, I've learned one thing having the Minions, you don't let them order their meals at a place like this, there are too many options and it just confuses the shit out of them.

"What would you like Tundra?"

"What do they have mumma?

"Well they have your favorite."

"Oh, I want the meat right there."  (As she points a little Jimmy Dean finger at the glass)

"What kind of bread would you like?" (I roll my eyes and sigh deeply, here we go again)

"What kinds do you have?" (What the fuck?  What kid that age and that chubby asks what kind of bread, just give her Wonder Bread for Christ's sake!  At this point I would have been ordering for her, especially with the fifteen other customers that strolled in.)

"We have....(insert all the breads here)."

"Which one is white bread?"  (Arrrrrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhh!!!)

"OK, which meat did you want?"

"That one."  (Both eyes are twitching now.)

"OK, the steak and cheese, will there be another sub?", the Subway dude asks mumma who is now on the phone..

"Huh? Oh sorry I was getting the other orders, hang on I'm getting them."

What the holy shitballs is going on?  This vaginal yeast infected blood fart is copying shitbrick and fuck face from Friday!  Are you shitting me?  How is this even possible?  Maybe they are aliens who are tracking me and know when I'm going to Subway, they beam themselves down just before I walk in and piss me the fuck off.

OK, it's class time for those of you reading this who do that.  Pay attention to the lesson that Professor K is about to learn you.  Here is a dose of Subway etiquette.

Alright class, settle down

 First, if you have a big order, meaning more than two subs, write that shit down BEFORE you enter Subway.  If you do that, you can just order the subs, bang, bang, bang or even better hand the list to the ar-Tist, they can read, it's a job requirement.

Second, put your goddamn cell phone away when it's your turn to order.  It's a distraction like texting and driving and just as dangerous.  You could end up with an angry blogger all up on your shit.  This rule goes for any restaurant, whether it's a fast food or a sit down, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR ONE WAY CONVERSATION.

Third, know what you want BEFORE you step up to the "Order Here" sign.  If Subway is new to you, like if you're an exchange student from Somolia,  take a few minutes to peruse the menu and get acquainted with it.  It's not a long menu, they have like sixteen types of sandwiches, it's not rocket science.

Fourth, when it comes to what bread you want, it's simple.  Italian= white, wheat is the darker brown one, oats and honey is the one with the crunchy shit on top and Italian herb an cheese is the one with the brown schmeckus melted on top and honestly they all taste about the same.  Think about what kind of bread you have at home and order that one.

Finally, yes, there are items that you can add to your sandwich that cost extra.  Don't act all surprised when you ask for bacon, avocado and extra cheese and they tell you that it will be four dollars more.  There are signs all over the place telling you that.

Extra credit, most of the newer Subways have actually instructions on how to order your sandwich, seriously, they do starting with 1.  Choose your bread...imagine that.

In the future, take my lesson to heart and don't be a shitbrick or a fuck face at Subway, the masses that have gathered behind you will thank you or at least not maim you.

This kids, is a vaginal yeast infected blood fart, take note and stab him.