Thursday, July 19, 2012

Blame The Dog? I Think Not...

Why would I go and waste a perfectly great fart and blame the dog?  It doesn't make sense, be loud, be proud of what you have created!
Yup, that's right, I love to fart and I am proud of my farts, always have been, however, when I was younger I was shy (yeah I know, you don't believe me, but I was) and farting was something that was viewed as obscene and nasty and I should never, ever do it in public.  Now you know why you see people walking around the streets with a look on their faces like they are hiding something, it's because they need to fart and they haven't embraced their inner Fart Child.  Embrace it my friends, embrace it!

Up until the age of fifteen, yes I was a late bloomer when it came to public farting, I was one of those people, walking along the halls at school, shopping at the mall or even watching a movie in the theater, holding in the farts, making mmyself look like I was guilty of stealing something.  Then one day, I let a fart slip in Caldor and it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, well more like off my lower abdomen.  I could concentrate on what I was looking for, I didn't have to be worried that someone thought I was up to something, I could just go on with my shopping.  It was great.

Some people can burp on command, that's nothing, I have the ability to fart on command.  My favorite game was and is Pull My Finger.  Syd Vicious loves playing that game with me.  This power has been handed down to me from both of my parents, my Mom would do the walking farts and Dad would be able to sit in his recliner and levitate about three inches.  With great power comes great responsibility though.
 I am forced to shield this power, to keep it contained in certain situations and to use it for good.  I have used it at water parks where I am climbing the fourteen story water slide (I paid $50 to get in here, multiple that by the thousands each day, put a freaking elevator in for shit's sake) and the person behind me was right on my ass and they kept bumping me with their inflatable tube.  I turned around and gave them the, "I just ate some greasy french fries, I'm loaded and not afraid to use it" look hoping they would get the hint before I had to release the beast and have them disintegrate before they hit the ground.  Bump!  Sorry sir, today just wasn't your day....

The power can be used to end a meeting.  You know the kind of meeting I'm talking about, you're all sitting around the table and you've covered everything important and then someone decides, now is the perfect time to discuss something totally irrelevant.  You look around the table and see the look of pain and torture on the faces of the hostages, you can feel their pain.  It is your duty to protect the innocent, like Iron Man you need to decide which weapon to use.  Will it be the loud, no doubt who did it door buster or maybe you should use the middle of the road squeaker?  You decide on the S.B.D. or silent but deadly fart.

Clenching your cheeks just enough to stimey the sound, you eek the fart out.  It's only a matter of a few seconds until the full stench reaches the open air and then someone gets that look of "what died in here?" and promptly excuses everyone from the rest of the meeting.  You are a hero, yet you did not reveal your identity.

I need to come clean though, I have strayed off the righteous path for a time and I was tempted by evil.  I was driving my car with my friends in it.  Everyone has that one friend who is considered a friend but is annoying as all hell (right now my friends from younger times are wondering if they were that friend).  This friend would not shut the hell up about whatever he was spewing out of his pie hole.  After about twenty minutes of nonstop gibberish, I had had it.  There comes a time where it is not longer the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, but you need to unleash holy hell on the entire group, innocents and all.

When you are in a car, you can just let a fart rip, the cushioned seats and the road noise muffle the sound, so I fired away.  Once the smell had reached my nostrils I knew it was time for Phase 2 of the plan.  I quickly locked the windows and turned the heat on full blast.  Unfortunately, two out of the three other people riding in my car that day suffered the consequences.  It was a necessity and a victory, despite the minor loss of two friends.

I have passed along my power to one of my Minions.  #3 has already taken the torch and is running with the power, we just need to steer him on the good path and not let him stray.  Again, if we ever have a shortage of natural gas, you can just shove a pipeline up #3's ass and we will be supplied for years.

So. remember my faithful Minion Followers, it's OK to fart in public, if you are self conscious about it you can do the "wander around looking at things until the coast is clear" maneuver or yes, you can blame the kids, no one ever condemns a child for passing gas, just be sure to switch to S.B.D. mode, the noise gives you away.

Oh and I forgot, it is OK to fart in church.  I've done it several times, mostly at weddings...on the alter... The place will not fall down, so when you hear the phrase "...went over like a fart in church" you can tell people that you actually did fart in a church and it went over just fine.  Now, you can use the phrase "...went over like a fart in a space suit." to replace the church line, I'm sure that farting in a space suit would not be a good thing....

This is my entry to the Dude Write Challenge, click the button below and it will direct you, um, directly over there.  When you get there though, there a few things you must remember to do:


Dude Write
Click me!  Read Me!  Vote For Me!


  1. Read ALL of the blogs and keep coming back, people put entries up all weekend long.
  2. Come back Monday evening into Tuesday to vote for your top three, yes your top THREE (obviously it would fantabulous if mine was in the top three)
  3. Make sure you use all three of your votes, there are lots of awesome Dude bloggers who enter.
  4. Share, Like, Twat..er I mean Tweet and Google+ the ones you read.  Dudes are needy, we love attention and like to show off.

36 comments:

  1. My favorite fart? The crop dust.

    Farting while walking past the target. Silent, stealthy, and sickening. You're usually 5-6 steps away before they get a whiff and are left in your dust.

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    1. Yes, the crop duster. I agree on that one being in my top three. There are so many it would take another post to cover them all.

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  2. I often find that in the mornings, when no relief is forth-coming, I draw up my legs, bed at the knees and voila! A release of methane to blow the cobwebs from the ceiling...yeah I know, what a classy lady I am.

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    1. Sometimes you have to use your body to get the fart out. At least you said th cobwebs on the ceiling and not...well never mind.

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  3. Saying that lethal gas can be used for good is like saying guns can be used for good. Yes, you can use it to take out bad guys, but is it really up to you to punish them?

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    1. It's not about punishing the evil doers, it's about using the power to contain the evil doers.

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  4. Your comment on farting in church really made me laugh. When I was younger, and less of a heathen mind you, I used to go to church with my best friend and her husband. Her husband always had an unfortunate reaction to bananas. Seriously - he could clear a large room it reeked so bad. That Sunday, we happened to be sitting in the second pew, right behind the pastor (we had a guest pastor that week). My friend's hubby had eaten a banana that morning and let a SBD fly (emphasis on the D part). We immediately started gagging and laughing like loons. It really got out of control when the pastor turned around with this look on his face. You could just tell he wanted to gasp for air. I have no idea how we sat through that sermon. We were stifling laughter and gagging for almost 15 minutes.

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    1. That is a great fart story! The pastor was REALLY praying to God on that day!

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  5. Lets face it... the farting super hero is more of an anti-hero. Sure you can use farts for the better good, but in reality, you are more like the Punisher, Ghost Rider, or V for Vendetta, and less like Iron Man, when you deliver justice in the most heinous way possible.

    Funny read!

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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    1. I will agree with you on that one, the farting power is more like the anti-hero.

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  6. I'm jealous that I can't muster the volume, but the stench can gag a maggot.

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    1. I have the bragging rights that I was able to have my fart echo across a lake at a Cub Scout campout, and yes I have witnesses.

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  7. Who doesn't love to fart? I mean really? It feels great! Plus it is quite amusing for the minions!

    I love farting while grocery shopping. I would either fart in the middle of the isle and quickly move over to the next isle and listen for the complaints from the innocent victims who come along, or I would fart at one end and move down to the next end and wait to see the faces of my victims when they round the corner.

    Every once in a while, I would offer up some beef stew to my kids when they misbehave. Just pin them down, put your butt right in their face and let it rip! My kids will never be the same! lol

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    1. Yet more great fart stories and scenarios! I seem to have found a topic that everyone can relate to...hmmm maybe the start of a new series or dare I say....blog?

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    2. A blog dedicated to the art of the fart and horror stories? Brilliant! The possibilities are endless!

      But you know someone would come along and say "This blog stinks!"

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  8. My dad was a fart on commander, and often used his own flatulence as a source of self entertainment. When I was about 15, we were in a crowded doctors office lobby and there was this very well dressed, proper looking lady sitting next to my biker looking dad. Without looking away from his magazine he lets out a super loud fart then leans to the lady and says, "look innocent lady, they'll think it was me." She was mortified and all I could do was bust out laughing.

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    1. OK, just visualizing that has been making me laugh for a long time and I have no clue what your dad looks like! All I can picture is one of those biker dudes with the leather vest, no shirt and a beer belly hanging out.

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    2. Picture big dude, ZZ top looking beard, clad all in black, combat style boots, leather jacket...kinda menasing looking. No one was gonna argue with him!

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  9. Very funny posting and actually be careful farting in WV, could land ya a felony. :) When I was younger we actually got taken out of church by my mom due to a fart. Everything was quiet and someone farted very loud and we laughed- oh those were the days, I had hoped I had forgotten. :) Enjoyed reading your posting.

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    1. Whoa, remind me not to visit WV anytime soon...farting in church is such a funny thing to do, we're all going to hell.

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  10. I used to blame my farts on either the dog or Grandma. She never defended herself, just sat there and chuckled so she looked way guilty. I once cleared a recording studio for 45 solid minutes with an after Italian takeout food fart. If you've heard that one before, it's because I'm damn proud of it and I tell it often. The car farts - that's foul play...haha...after spending years in a van with a bunch of band mates who lived on crummy beer and Taco Bell, I can attest to that. The Hubby once assaulted us in the dead of winter with a gyro fart. I swear I was ready to file for divorce when we had to roll the windows down for 20 minutes in a snowstorm. When I fart in a store, even if I've scoped out a vacant aisle, somebody ALWAYS comes along and busts me! And finally, the church fart is doable, but God knows you did it and there will be repercussions! Plus, as Confucius once said "He who fart in church sit in own pew." Think about it.

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    1. I love the pun! You know why farts smell right? So deaf people can get a good laugh too.

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  11. I can't believe you and nobody else managed to not discuss the Dutch Oven? What's really stupid about thermodynamics (yeah that sounded smart) is that when you fart in bed under the covers it ALWAYS comes out by your face! I often try to sneak a foot out of the bed thinking that the smell will then escape there, but in some way it manges to create a vacuum vortexy thing and I get a face full. So I figure I will just open the sheet next to my face and then stick my foot out below...yeah that'll work...nope face full!

    When you hurt the ones you love, next Geraldo...

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    1. Wily, if I were to cover my farting resume I would have to start a whole new blog. I do the Dutch Oven constantly, but what you need to do is tuck the covers tightly around your neck and shoulders, making a cocoon of sorts, forcing the stentch down towards your feet, when the significant other gets into bed she/he gets the face full of smell.

      This is an adapted version of the Dutch Oven.

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  12. I enjoyed your account of farting to save everyone in a business meeting. Like a true hero, your identity could not be revealed, and many would probably chastise you for it, but you did it for the greater good.

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  13. I fart in my cubicle constantly. It never seems to dawn on me that cubicle walls aren't actual walls, so occasionally the poison pours over the top and floods the aisles.

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    1. You need to remember heat rises.

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  14. So many different styles and methods to madness here! It's like a veritable Swiss Army knife of flatulence.

    When I first started dating my wife I tried so hard to come across as a swell guy that I had to regularly pinch one back to not be the farty guy. I'm sure by absorbing all that gas, I've probably shortened my lifespan by 10 years or so. Of course now, we rattle the covers on a nightly basis. (and when I say we, I mean I....just in case my wife asks.)

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    1. I was the opposite, my first encounter with my wife was taking a smash in her bathroom at camp. Long story, but the moral was "Love me, love my stentch."

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  15. Love the Star Wars demotivational poster

    Pushy people in lines beware! :p

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    1. ....they will feel the power of the Darside....or at least smell it.

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  16. My favorite kind of fart is the kind when you are walking up or down steps. If you can get the fart to come out at even intervals throughout the entire flight, you win a prize.

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    1. I can't believe you said this, just a few weeks ago we took a trip to the Boston Museum of Science and they have a musical staircase there where each step plays a different note. I told my nieces that I can do that on a regular staircase but it smells worse.

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  17. Kellie had one farting rule: No farting in the marital bed. Needless to say I blew that rule out my ass.

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  18. Every once in awhile we like to share a slice of life from the Goodstuff family. Last night Pinko (the commie dog) let rip a stinker. However, the rest of the family blame my ass. I had to explain that it could not be me that fouled the air.

    http://goodstuffsworld.blogspot.com/2012/10/its-gas.html

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