50 Shades of Shut the F@%k Up: Chapter 1

OK, before I go into this post let me make sure we are all clear here, go and read this first and then come back, it will explain most of what is going on here, I'll wait it's a short post...

Oh, you're back?  Excellent!  So here's the deal, I have officially downloaded 50 Shades of Grey my iPad through the Kindle app.  I am going to read it one chapter at a time and then try to explain what happened in that particular chapter in my own words.  Before I go into detail about each chapter I will grade the chapter on different categories using the 1-5 Handcuff Method and there will be different categories to be graded as well which are:

1. Imagination Factor - How imaginative the author is with each chapter.
2. Wishful Thinking Factor - How realistic each chapter is or would this be fantasy?
3. Visualization Factor - How descriptive the chapter is with the activities.
4. Pornographic Factor - Would this chapter make a good porn film?
5. High Expectation Factor - How high is the author setting the bar for men in this chapter?

The grading graphic will look like this:

Less handcuffs means more mellow, more handcuffs means holy crap on a cracker!

So now we know the basics of the 50 Shades of Shut the Fuck Up blog report, let's begin with Chapter 1, shall we?

First, I would like to say that this has to be the poorest writing ever...so far, but usually if the first chapter is written badly, the rest of the book is doomed.  I'm not talking descriptive or anything like that, I'm talking about HOW it was written.  It has short sentences, it's very choppy and just doesn't flow well and reads like a poorly written blog...oops elephant in the room.

Chapter 1 starts off with the lead character, Anastasia Steele being guilted into driving to Seattle for her roommate Katherine Kavanagh to interview some business billionaire for the student newspaper of their college.  For a book that was written with a claim to fame of outrageous sex, I was disappointed with the lack of sex in the first chapter, none whatsoever.  I would have expected the two female roommates to be having some sort of college lesbian encounter and then in the middle Kate Kavanagh looks at Anastasia Steele and begs her to do the interview for her or something like that.  Nope, the only description you get of Double K is Steeley's half assed assessment of Double K being sick and saying she still looks good.

By the way I am using the shortened or nicknames for these two because, well, really?  Who names their kid Anastasia and what sick parent did the KK thing for Katherine.  I've been on this earth 35 years and I never met anyone with the last name Steele, it sounds like a news anchor's last name..."Hello, I'm Ana Steel and this is my co-host Rock Hard."

So Steeley jumps in Double K's Mercedes CLK and heads off to Seattle.  Wait...how the hell does a college student who probably lives off of Ramen noodles, afford a Mercedes CLK car payment, unless Daddy bought it for her....ahhh, never mind I got it now.  She gets to Seattle and walks into the twenty story building that is Grey Enterprises Holdings.  Supposedly all the employees are attractive blonde women, now I find this hard to believe too because this is Seattle, there would be all sorts of lawsuits and discrimination claims that Mr. Grey doesn't hire anyone not-attractive...or blonde.

So she finally gets into to see Christian Grey...what the fuck?  Christian?  Not Christopher?  Anyway, she stumbles into his office and makes a fool out of herself.  Of course Steeley gets her first look at Grey and is taken aback by his stunning handsomeness.  Now she is stammering not only out loud but in her own head too.  Steeley asks the questions and then adds some of her own, because she such a granola farting, Birkenstock wearing hippie (at least that is what I am imagining, there really wasn't a description of Steeley) and she feels that everyone should be equal and feels Grey has too much power.

So to wrap up chapter 1, by the end of the chapter you can start to get a glimpse that Grey is not going to let Steeley out of his grasp, despite letting her walk out of the building.  Gosh, I do wonder what he has in store for her?

Now for the grades...

Imagination Factor

I gave the imagination factor 1 cuff because there really wasn't much to the imagination with the exception of the ridiculous names.

Wishful Thinking Factor

The wishful thinking factor got 1 cuff because everything in the chapter, with the exception of the Mercedes sounds realistic.

Visualization Factor

Visualization got 3 cuffs, the author did describe the building rather well and of course Grey got a good description, I'm still pissed that Steeley doesn't have a description yet, but then again I am a guy and I'm sure this book was not written for me.

Pornographic Factor

I did give the pornographic factor 1 cuff, I originally was going to revoke all cuffs from this chapter, but towards the end it had the feel of the beginning of a porn, slightly.

High Expectation Factor

1 cuff for high expectations, nothing was out of the realm of possibility, other than 99.9% of us men are not multi-billionaires and look like a super model.

So there you have my review of chapter 1, so far, eh, I've watched better porn on youporn.com. I am a slow reader so bear with me, these post will not happen daily and also if I have something else to write about, well, hell, I'm going to do that.