Saturday, July 21, 2012

50 Shades of Shut the F@%k Up: Chapter 1

OK, before I go into this post let me make sure we are all clear here, go and read this first and then come back, it will explain most of what is going on here, I'll wait it's a short post...

Oh, you're back?  Excellent!  So here's the deal, I have officially downloaded 50 Shades of Grey my iPad through the Kindle app.  I am going to read it one chapter at a time and then try to explain what happened in that particular chapter in my own words.  Before I go into detail about each chapter I will grade the chapter on different categories using the 1-5 Handcuff Method and there will be different categories to be graded as well which are:
  1. Imagination Factor - How imaginative the author is with each chapter.
  2. Wishful Thinking Factor - How realistic each chapter is or would this be fantasy?
  3. Visualization Factor - How descriptive the chapter is with the activities.
  4. Pornographic Factor - Would this chapter make a good porn film?
  5. High Expectation Factor - How high is the author setting the bar for men in this chapter?
The grading graphic will look like this:

Less handcuffs means more mellow, more handcuffs means holy crap on a cracker!
So now we know the basics of the 50 Shades of Shut the Fuck Up blog report, let's begin with Chapter 1, shall we?

First, I would like to say that this has to be the poorest writing ever...so far, but usually if the first chapter is written badly, the rest of the book is doomed.  I'm not talking descriptive or anything like that, I'm talking about HOW it was written.  It has short sentences, it's very choppy and just doesn't flow well and reads like a poorly written blog...oops elephant in the room.

Chapter 1 starts off with the lead character, Anastasia Steele being guilted into driving to Seattle for her roommate Katherine Kavanagh to interview some business billionaire for the student newspaper of their college.  For a book that was written with a claim to fame of outrageous sex, I was disappointed with the lack of sex in the first chapter, none whatsoever.  I would have expected the two female roommates to be having some sort of college lesbian encounter and then in the middle Kate Kavanagh looks at Anastasia Steele and begs her to do the interview for her or something like that.  Nope, the only description you get of Double K is Steeley's half assed assessment of Double K being sick and saying she still looks good.

By the way I am using the shortened or nicknames for these two because, well, really?  Who names their kid Anastasia and what sick parent did the KK thing for Katherine.  I've been on this earth 35 years and I never met anyone with the last name Steele, it sounds like a news anchor's last name..."Hello, I'm Ana Steel and this is my co-host Rock Hard."

So Steeley jumps in Double K's Mercedes CLK and heads off to Seattle.  Wait...how the hell does a college student who probably lives off of Ramen noodles, afford a Mercedes CLK car payment, unless Daddy bought it for her....ahhh, never mind I got it now.  She gets to Seattle and walks into the twenty story building that is Grey Enterprises Holdings.  Supposedly all the employees are attractive blonde women, now I find this hard to believe too because this is Seattle, there would be all sorts of lawsuits and discrimination claims that Mr. Grey doesn't hire anyone not-attractive...or blonde.

So she finally gets into to see Christian Grey...what the fuck?  Christian?  Not Christopher?  Anyway, she stumbles into his office and makes a fool out of herself.  Of course Steeley gets her first look at Grey and is taken aback by his stunning handsomeness.  Now she is stammering not only out loud but in her own head too.  Steeley asks the questions and then adds some of her own, because she such a granola farting, Birkenstock wearing hippie (at least that is what I am imagining, there really wasn't a description of Steeley) and she feels that everyone should be equal and feels Grey has too much power.

So to wrap up chapter 1, by the end of the chapter you can start to get a glimpse that Grey is not going to let Steeley out of his grasp, despite letting her walk out of the building.  Gosh, I do wonder what he has in store for her?

Now for the grades...

Imagination Factor
I gave the imagination factor 1 cuff because there really wasn't much to the imagination with the exception of the ridiculous names.

Wishful Thinking Factor
The wishful thinking factor got 1 cuff because everything in the chapter, with the exception of the Mercedes sounds realistic.

Visualization Factor
Visualization got 3 cuffs, the author did describe the building rather well and of course Grey got a good description, I'm still pissed that Steeley doesn't have a description yet, but then again I am a guy and I'm sure this book was not written for me.

Pornographic Factor
I did give the pornographic factor 1 cuff, I originally was going to revoke all cuffs from this chapter, but towards the end it had the feel of the beginning of a porn, slightly.

High Expectation Factor
1 cuff for high expectations, nothing was out of the realm of possibility, other than 99.9% of us men are not multi-billionaires and look like a super model.

So there you have my review of chapter 1, so far, eh, I've watched better porn on youporn.com. I am a slow reader so bear with me, these post will not happen daily and also if I have something else to write about, well, hell, I'm going to do that.




16 comments:

  1. Apparently the porn doesn't kick in...I mean the whole story line doesn't get going until chapter eight.

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    1. Ugh, I ned to sit through 7 more chapters of shitty writing and messes up names...great...

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  2. I am loving the handcuff rating system! Lily is right - it will be a few chapters until the porn. I will eagerly await your take on the "red room of pain". Believability factor is LOW on so many levels but there is definitely some titillation - no pun intended. :)

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    1. Red Room of Pain? I have one of those already, I lock myself in the bathroom once a month....

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  3. This is fantastic. I don't have to read the book anymore. People, fans of this crap, were really ripping into me for slamming something I knew very little about, like I am not entitled to an opinion just because I don't know what the hell I am talking about. After I read your posts on the book, they'll have to respect whatever I say about 50 Shades. And if they don't, they can eat it!

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    1. See? I am doing this as a service project, protecting the ones who don't want to read it.

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    2. I second that Nellie! Thank you Kevin, for providing this valuable service to those of us who ain't reading it. I'm reading The Blogess's hilarious "Let's Pretend This Never Happened" instead. That's kind of the story of my sex life anyway... (Oh no, I di'int!)

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  4. About two weeks ago, Kellie showed me a few text messages from a friend of her's who was reading 50 shades. Without giving anything away (I expect to have a few posts on this topi), let's just say those texts motivated me to download the first book to my iPad (great minds think alike, eh Kev). I just can't Kellie to read it, but we're taking a cruise to Alaska in August and she's promised to start then.

    BTW, your expectation for sex in chapter just shows your literary tastes have been conditioned by too many porno movies.

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    1. A least 28 posts, considering thats how,many chapters there are...I think...

      Great minds do think alike Joe! I've actually never watched a porn...in its entirety...

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  5. I too am loving the handcuff rating system. As another non reader, I'm looking forward to next post.

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    1. I tried different ideas for rating and I decided to go with the handcuffs knowing that this book has that in it...

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  6. Isn't this book like the third in a trilogy or something? IDK I am still on the waiting list @ the library for it, so it must be pretty popular and taking everything into account, I still want to read it! :) It was also sort of funny the seeing the librarians expression when I asked for the book there. :)Anyway Love the review so far though! Can't wait for your other chapters.

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    1. I know there's a trilogy but not sure which one this is, it could be like Star Wars where 1,2 and 3 come out years later and these are 4,5 and 6.....shit, I didn't really compare this to Star Wars did I? I'm sorry oh great Lucas....forgive me...

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    2. OMG Gossip Grl! The library...better wipe that thing down when you get it! ;)

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  7. Love it, Kevin! I read Fifty Shades (which is Book 1 in the series), and then I read Book 2 (which was so memorable, I've forgotten the name), and I refuse to spend another penny on the third book. I'll admit it. I was curious about all of the hype. Love the handcuff rating system! Can't wait to hear a guy's perspective on the rest of the book!

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    1. Now I've got the pressure on me now, I better read chapter two and get it reports on!

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