Friday, July 13, 2012

You're Not Man Enough

This is my post for Dude Write V or five if you're not into that whole roman numeral thing.  Head on over, read the great Dude bloggers and come go back Monday night into Tuesday to vote for your top three.


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I woke up this morning and did my normal routine, just like every other Groundhog Day I go through.  While in the shower I realized that I have not touched a bar of soap in about ten years and we only own a few washcloths, all of which have either Spiderman, The Avengers or Mickey Mouse on them.

They exfoliate...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, before you start thinking I don't use soap or wash, don't forget swass, swalls and swits, you HAVE to wash those areas, or like the late great George Carlin says, "...you need to wash the armpits, asshole, crotch and teeth."  I don't use a washcloth or a bar of soap, I use body wash and a floofy.  I don't know what they are really called but I use a yellow floofy with body wash on it.  Now in my defense I don't use body wash from the Trophy's Bath and Body Works stash, I use Irish Spring or Suave for Men.

Toweling off with my purple towel, I started thinking about what else I do that make me less manly.  Yes, you read that right I said purple towel.  I have a two towels I use because they are scratchy, I do not like fluffy towels, I like scratchy towels when you dry off it scratches your back.  Anyway, I started thinking about what else I do that could make me less of a man in some eyes.

Besides the purple towel, the floofy and body wash, there isn't much else in the bathroom that I do to demasculinize (is that a word?  Fuck it, it is now, call me Webster bitch), I don't spray (we all know that), I don't go near the B & B Works stash, I stopped using gel and mousse in my hair a while ago, I trim my nails...ah shit, I take care of my cuticles.  Does that make me less masculine?  Oh well, it feels good so I will continue to do it and yes I do trim...um, down there.  I said trim, not shave, make sure you get it straight.  The Trophy does it so it's only fair that I do...

Which one's my left?
As the day progressed I found more things that some people would consider less manly.  Working alone and having anywhere from a 45 minute to 1 1/2 hour drive to work, I have time to think.  I'm just going to throw them out there starting with, I despise NASCAR.  I like cars, I can admire and get all Tim "The Toolman" Taylor over cars, but I don't get NASCAR.  They drive fast and turn left, I drive in Boston 2-3 times a month, I do that on the Mass Pike all the time.  I don't get how people can sit and watch a race for hours on end or worse, listen to it on the radio...holy shit, that would be like listening to a ping pong game.  The cars they drive are family cars, Toyota Camrys, Chevy Impalas, Ford Tauruses, Dodge...hell I don't even know if I'm right about this, like I said I don't watch NASCAR.

Chewbacca loves #3!
If she is there, I might consider it.
I don't like fishing.  There I said it.  I despise fishing.  It's another thing I don't understand.  I can kind of see deep sea fishing, it seems like a challenge or a big game of tug-o-war but standing on the bank of a lake, or sitting in a boat holding a pole, hoping you are going to catch a fish that you will probably toss back...I don't get it. Put fishing on ice, you've lost me completely, sure I feel like freezing my sack off and being bored.  Sure you can argue the fact that it's quiet and peaceful, that I get, but there's no challenge, fish are dumb animals and the argument about it being peaceful, I don't need to stab a slimy worm in the ass with a hook to be at peace.

On the same aspect, I don't hunt.  It's not that I believe I am holier than thou and people shouldn't kill animals for food, that's not it, it's just boring.  I will leave it to the Elmer Fudds of the world to allow me to enjoy some venison.  I am complete meatatarian (yup another addition into my dictionary), I don't believe in killing plants for food.  Ron White hit the nail on the head when he said, "...it's really early in the morning, it's really cold outside and I don't wanna fucking go."  I'll eat it if you kill it.

And on the 7th day he said TOUCHDOWN!
I don't watch football.  I can hear the collective gasps of air across the country on that one.  I like football, I think it's fun to play but I don't make a Sunday out of watching football, that is like going to church every Sunday, just without the alcohol, (Jesus Juice), the fanatics, (stand up, sit down, kneel) the snacks, (the Jes-its), wait, actually it is exactly like going to church minus the whole alter boy thing.  I will watch one football game a year and that is the Superbowl, however I primarily watch it for the commercials.



My taste in music is eclectic.  If you check my iPod you will find anything from Megadeth to Brittany Spears.  Yes, Brittany Spears, Madonna, Cher, Barbara Streisand, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus and P!nk just to name a few female artists that I listen to.  I am comfortable with my masculinity to admit that I have some artists that would be considered gay genre or feminine genre.  I like Culture Club, Duran Duran and even Bryan Adams.  Don't look at me like that, you can't tell me you don't start belting out "If I could turn back time, if I could find a way..." when Cher comes on the radio.

Lastly, I have in fact had a pedicure.  If you have never had a pedicure, go and get one, it is freaking awesome.  In my defense though it was part of the massage package I opted for in the Dominican Republic but I would definitely do it again if the opportunity was presented to me.

Think what you will, but I do in fact do things that would be considered manly.  I like to build things, in fact I just built a pantry in the garage and you should see my Lego Star Wars collection.  I love hiking and camping and not the "Oh, let me hook up my three bedroom condo" camping, I'm talking about grabbing the tent, sleeping bags and heading out to the lake.  There's my piece and quiet.  I enjoy drinking beer, scratching myself and farting (oh do I love to fart).  There are many other things that I enjoy doing that would outweigh the non-masculine things...at least that is what I am telling myself.

Remember, before you decide to cut corners off my man card, judge not, lest thee be judged thyself.

24 comments:

  1. I don't know if I'm more worried about the fact that you like Brittany Spears or that I love to fart, drink beer and have never had a pedicure. But what the hey - it's all good! And you're right - NASCAR sucks!

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    1. It's all good, I can compensate for Brittany with Springsteen and Dylan.

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  2. In my opinion, only a real man would admit to "unmanly" manliness!

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  3. As long as you don't somehow pop a baby out, you're still a man....

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    1. Nope, but I will freely admit that the females are the stronger sex, if you can squeeze something the size of a watermelon through a mail slot with that much pain and still live...wow.

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  4. Only real men admit to having Britney on their iPod. I'm like you, I have a very wide range of music on mine as well. From Britney to Rammstein to Big Joe Turner.

    It's all good.

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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    1. Whew, I thought I was alone with Brittany...

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  5. Very Funny posting and from it I can gather that you aren't hillbilly or redneck the burping, farting, beer drinking camping nudges you a little closer though. You forced me to ask my hubby if he feels less manly using loofa's and body wash though.:) Nice entry for this weeks dude write!

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    1. Yeah, I'm a Northern Redneck actually, more specifically a Western Mass Redneck...maybe I will explain in a post sometime.

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  6. Bah, too much emphasis on the shit that doesn't matter. As long as you stand up for what you believe in, you're man enough for me. Now grab your floofy, we're going camping. Just you and me, and maybe a Cher playlist.

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    1. Why does that sound like the old joke, "If you went camping and woke up with your pants around your ankles..."

      I agree stand for what you believe.

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  7. HAHAHA! Floofy.

    I'm with Cheryl on this one. Only a real man would admit to all of the above...apart from liking Miley Cyrus. That should be a hanging offence... for All sexes.

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    1. Miley Cyrus is about three tattoos from going into Playboy...and that is OK with me.

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  8. Silly fool! Sundays is for football! But we all do womanly things every now and then so therefore, your card will not be clipped! Now study up on your football and we'll see you in September!

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    1. How's Peyton doing? Oh...too soon? Never said I don't know about football, I just don't watch it...well with the exception of the not-so Superbowl.

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  9. I carry a man bag. My daughter's give me crap about it but my wife loves it because she doesn't have to carry my shit. Whenever one of my dude friend starts ragging on me about it, I tell him, "I was captain of two nuclear powered submarines, what the f@#$ did you ever do?" That usually shut them up.

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    1. Nothing wrong with a man bag. I used to but then I found a backpack I fell in love with so I use that now.

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  10. I am guilty of almost every single one of these. I've never had a manicure, but a woman stopped me in the mall one time and buffed the crap out of one of my finger nails to show off a new manitool(?). My nail was so smooth that I couldn't stop touching it and licking it. Yes, licking it.

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    1. Licking it? You might have some issues there and we're not talking comic books.

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  11. Very brave post! I am still laughing! I especially loved the bit about music you listen too. I have those eclectic tastes as well - but being a woman I suppose it is more socially acceptable.

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    1. That's just a small part of my collection, I just in fact added the Jonas Brothers to my collection.

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  12. Hey, I enjoyed my experience at the unisex salon... I am not one to judge.

    And I call the floofy a "loofa".

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    1. Yeah I found out that what I call floofies are in fact really called loofas, but hey who cares what we call them, they work awesome!

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