Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Did You Spray In There?

...is heard through our house at least four or five times a day.

It doesn't matter...it won't mask a Minion fart.

What can I say?  We are a household with four males and one female...well, five males and three females if you count the cats and dog, which I think I will because they can be stinky fuckers too.

People with daughters constantly complain that they are in the bathroom all the time, which is probably true, I have friends who have daughters (one is probably going to be my daughter-in-law the way things are going) and I have seen the "feelings" and experienced the "prepping".  But...if you are a member of the exclusive club known has The Three Boy Club, you have definitely experienced the...stench.

Hmm...Ninja Diaper Baby?
It wasn't so bad before potty training (BPT if you will), when #3 had his own personal latrine attached to his ass and there were only three of us blowing up the bathrooms.  I say three of us because I am fully convinced that the female gender (pre-age 60) only shits once a day where the average male (age 1-99) takes a deuce two to three times a day.

Before I get too far ahead of myself let me tell you about the curse I have inherited from my parents and have passed along to my Minions.

Just follow this to the crapper.
My entire life both my parents have had, how would you say, a shitting problem, not constipation but just regular...really regular.  Yup you guessed it, the Minions and myself poop two to three times a day, so our bathrooms have landing strips with phosphorus glow-in-the-dark paint and warning lights.  Even thought we have a half bath that anyone can use, we all fight for the master bath...for obvious reasons.  It has a nicer toilet, it's bigger, there is always toilet paper available, the usual reasons.

Just this evening we had a situation with the Minions and myself.  I came home from work and did my routine of changing and then dropping a stink pickle.  Now, like most Dads I know, we savor this time in the shitter because it's quiet..for the most part.

Enter the Minions...
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK. 

Sigh, "What?"

"I need to poop Dad!"

"So use the little bathroom!"

"I can't, #2 is in there already." (HA, #2 taking a #2...ironic...)

"Well you need to wait, I'm almost done."  (Now I am giving play-by-play commentary on my pooping.)

"Hurry up...#3 needs to poot too."

"He's got his own pot to use!"

"He doesn't want to use that one."  (Now my two year old is making decisions...great...)

So I pinch it off, wipe, wash my hands (yes...I wash after I go to bathroom) and open the door for #1.

"Dad!  You smell!  Did you spray in here?"

"Yes I sprayed, besides your turds don't exactly smell like lilacs now do they?"

Now my wife enters the scene with #3.

"Jesus, would it kill you to spray in once in a while?"

"I did spray!"

"No he didn't Mom, it smells baaaaaddddd in here huh?"

"Ewwwwww."  (Says #3)

"What do you mean ewwww?  Have you smelled your diaper pail lately?"  (Now I'm arguing with #3...I'm losing it...)

Now all three of them are staring at me like I just destroyed some priceless work of art, so I leave...knowing full well I didn't spray.  I enter the kitchen, where the half bath is located near and #2 comes bounding out of the bathroom with a resounding "Ahhhhhhhh, boy".

"Did you spray in there?"

"It was the cat."

"It doesn't matter who it was, go spray."

We have almost as much spray in our house as we do Bath and Body Works items....

22 comments:

  1. I wish I had known your predicament. I bought a case of air freshener a few years back but we don't burn through the stuff so I was literally giving the stuff away. Next time I get a deal I can't pass up I will ship some to you.

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  2. Thanks for this post. I was beginning to think that there was something wrong with Spawn's bowels, as he likes to let loose about 4 times a day. Whereas I'm a every other day kind of gal.

    Oh the ways of the male species.

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  3. I laughed like a drain at this. I only have two boys but just as much spray in stock as you.

    This post alone demands that I follow your blog. Absolutely brilliant!

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  4. Gary - Oh we have what seems like cases of spray, whenever my wife finds it on clearance we get some.

    Lily - Nope I guess it's normal for the male species to go that much, but every other day? I would explode!

    Dino - Thanks! I always look forward to new stackers, welcome aboard.

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  5. Funny posting. I can feel the pain of being out numbered. I had 3 boys and then a girl, sadly they corrupted her and by the age of 2 her favorite game was the fart game.

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  6. lmao. I could totally picture the bathroom argument and was literally laughing out loud. Great post! Boys are disgusting creatures for sure. My son thinks it's funny after he's had a particularly smelly one to make up some excuse for me to have to go into the bathroom for something just to hear me do the "Oh my God, what crawled up your ass and died, son?" or start gagging. He'll laugh like it's the funniest thing ever at my disgust.

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    1. Well now I have to come clean...my boys get their sense of smell and sound humor from me...I admit it.

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  7. So funny! Laughed at your SHITUATION!

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  8. This is FANTASTIC! I'm so glad I found your blog. I think we're related because I suffer from extreme regularity too and it has been passed down through generations.

    And this? "So I pinch it off, wipe, wash my hands..."

    Pinch it off?

    You are fucking awesome.

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  9. This all sounds too familiar! Problem is, we currently have only one functioning toilet! I just love a good shit story!

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  10. Well, add to that the mystery pooper who routinely clogs up the works and you come home needing to drop friends at the pool only to find the pool crowded! What a gut wrenching mass of smell and putridhood.

    I recently replaced a bowl that was so poorly maintained that I believe it would always smell. Even when clean.

    Our ration is 3 boys and 2 girls, but nobody smells like lilacs...its just more shocking when one of the ladies really rocks it. Unexpected...yes.

    WG

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  11. Why is it that you can be left totally alone until the minute you step into the bathroom? My kids seemed to have a radar "Daaaaaaaad?"

    By the way? laying off of processed foods, fried foods and sugar have all but eliminated the need for sprays....That is my public service announcement.

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  12. Finally, a place where I can talk about poo. Kellie never wants to discuss it.

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  13. "so I pinched it off" hahaha........... I think this has to be the most dude-ish post I've read so far. A lot of fun and I feel so ummmmm compassionate towards your wife!

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  14. Voted! :) Sux that you can only vote 1x though.

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  15. Haha that is fantastic! And there is nothing worse than getting rushed when you are doing your business. I like to think of my time in the bathroom as my "me time."

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  16. Thought I'd stop by to say Congrats on winning the Dude Write Gold Man Card Award for this posting. :)

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  17. So many comments, so little time. Thanks for everyone's words and advice in some cases!

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  18. GAH! I am gagging and laughing as I read this. Boys are SO gross! *Some* things make me happy to have 3 girls.

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  19. I have two boys. We have never sprayed. Something about never trusting them to not turn the spray can into a flame-thrower or something. I can deal with the not spraying. The not flushing bugs the shit out of me.

    The BF on the other hand sprays. Now the smell of room-freshener and shit are forevermore linked in my mind.

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  20. ha ha #2 making #2. seems like you've got quite a shit house there. hardy har.

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