Monday, May 14, 2012

Mother's Day Musings

I know this is a day late, so sue me, I was busy trying to make sure my wife had an enjoyable Mother's Day...although I may have failed, she is still sticking to her story about it being a good Mother's Day.

I tried, I really did try.  I did my best, isn't that the Cub Scout motto that I teach many other people's boys every week?  I tried....

I started at 6:30 with the knock, knock, knocking on Stinky's door.  I was prepped and ready for this wake up call, I flew out of bed and opened #3's door, whooshed him into the bathroom so he could pee...and of course pass a copious amount of gas.  #2 came down stairs and the first thing I told him was, "Shhhh, you need to be quieter this morning, we're going to let Mom sleep in."  Nodding, he bounds his way into the bathroom to make as much noise as possible, I guess he has decided to be the Incredible Hulk today...good idea #2.  #1 tip toes his way down into the kitchen holding several presents wrapped in pastel tissue paper.  I looked in amazement at the amount of homemade gifts the Minions had created for the person who lugged them around for nine months.  #1 is no rookie at Mother's Day and knows the routine.

Puny Dad yelled at Hulk..Hulk sad..
My plan failed, the woman we are all supposed to be honoring...woke up.  She seems to be able to lock onto my voice, like a sound wave seeking missile that only COBRA could come up with in GI Joe.  Not, #3 arguing about what he wants for breakfast, not #1 dropping the toilet lid down and of course not #3 Hulking up in the dining room, stomping across the floor, it was my voice that was locked onto.  I am convinced that every good mom has some sort of super powers like eyes in the back of their heads, the stare of know those kind of powers.

Well things worked out and it turned out to be a pretty decent day, at least that is what she told me.  She loved the lilac bush, the homemade gifts from the Minions and the family bike ride we took (despite #2 crashing into her bike twice).  Throughout the day I started thinking I wonder what Father's Day will bring for me?  Then I started to ponder over the difference between Mother's and Father's day.  Holy shit!  They are completely different, yet exactly the same.

Now before I get into too much trouble from the following list, let me clarify that I have been through eight Father's Days and each one has been really good and I've enjoyed them all, it's convenient that they happen to fall on my only day off.  I am not complaining from the past, at all, hell I got a kayak last year, but there are very distinct differences.

Both Mother's and Father's Day are the same where you honor the respected figures for each day, you thank them for raising you or giving birth to you, conceiving you....actually that would be kind of awkward...really awkward..."Hey Mom, how are you?  I'm fine.  I just called to wish you a Happy Mother's Day and to thank you for letting Dad mount you from behind like a horny gorilla during that snow storm back in 1976."

1.  On Mother's Day, the Dad and children attempt the let the Mom continue her slumber, most of the time the plan fails due to loud noises, children arguing, things being dropped, etc.  On Father's Day, the Mom and children let the Dad sleep, but he awakens because he has things he needs to do that day like mow the lawn, wash the car, paint the house, etc.

2.  On Mother's Day many fine restaurants offer a Mother's Day Brunch costing a minimum of $25 per person  and offering everything from prime rib and eggs to a chocolate fountain.  Have you ever used a chocolate fountain?  It's ridiculous and delicious...I want one and I don't even really like chocolate.  On Father's Day the local coffee shop offers a free cup of coffee if you are a Dad.

3. On Mother's Day the baseball players use pink bats, wear pink batting gloves and pink cleats.  On Father's Day you might catch a glimpse of a blue ribbon on the uniform.

4.  On Mother's Day everyone reminds you to have a mammogram to promote breast cancer awareness and yes I know what they do...they smoosh your boobs, flatten them out, stomp on them...I know. On Father's Day the everyone reminds Dads to go to the doctor so he can shove a finger up your ass to check your prostate.  Can't they figure out something different for both?

5.  On Mother's Day, Moms usually get flowers, massages and treated to dinner out.  On Father's Day, Dads get tools to fix the deck, a six pack of beer and food to grill on the newly fixed deck.

6.  On Mother's Day the children make all sorts of neat school and home made projects to give to mom, usually a picture frame with a nice picture of the child or a poem saying how special Mom is, complete with a hand print.  On Father's Day, the children hand over a card they threw together the night before because they were reminded it was Father's Day from Outback Steakhouse in a commercial break during Spongebob Squarepants.

7.  On Mother's Day, grown children will call their Mom and wish them a Happy Mother's Day.  On Father's Day, grown children will call their Dad...collect and wish them a Happy Father's Day, costing him money.

8.  On Mother's Day, Mom gets a nice piece of jewelry, usually picked out by the Dad and then he lets the children give the gift to her, Moms generally wear jewelry on day to day basis.  On Father's Day, Dad get a necktie, even when he doesn't wear a necktie on a regular basis.  Mom lets the children pick out the tie resulting in some sort of god awful, butt ass, ugly tie that you would only find at stores like Walmart or the Dollar Tree.

9. On Mother's Day, commercials prompt people to let Mom enjoy the day, let her relax (again I tried) and to shower her with gifts.  On Father's Day, commercials suggest to let Dad build something, do yard work or grill for everyone in the neighborhood.

10.  On Mother's Day, you are expected to respect and honor your Mom because she endured nine months of pain and torture and gave birth to you.  On Father's Day, Dad's do not get credit for being part of the birth process, yet without him and his wonder shot, you would not be standing around today.

All in all though, Moms deserve to have a day to get pampered, spoiled and treated like queens, if a guy had to bear the barbaric torture know as childbirth, there wouldn't be anyone left on this planet.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms out there reading this.


  1. Don't worry about Father's Day. I think I have realized that what Dad's really want is to save money. If my family is going to buy me a gift for Father's Day I hope it is something to make a bourbon beer with. Why? Because I drink beer anyway, and making it myself is fun AND saves me money! Nice read. I know all too well the "hear your voice" thing. My kids can shriek and get away with it. If I am even a little stern I sound so mean that the record skips. Yeah, we have a record player. It is awesome.

  2. Kevin, grab the bloody 'survival' button from the A-Z Challenge and then submit your details for the 'a-z road trip'

    Your blog deserves to be out there in the blogosphere, so that others can read just how brilliant you are!