Thursday, March 29, 2012

The Best Reality Show Ever

PBS usually stands for Pretty Boring Shit for me with two exceptions...Curious George and the Antiques Roadshow.

Curious George, first, he's a monkey, what guy doesn't like monkeys? (Did I ever tell you I had a chance to buy a monkey on Barbados for $50 USD?)  Second, if he was human, he would be the kind of friend I had when growing up. I don't care what anyone says, Curious George kicks ass!  Number 3's bedroom is decorated in Curious George.  His antics are rather humorous.

Now the Antiques Roadshow.  Forget CSI:  Wherever, False Blood, House or even Beavis and Butthead, the A.R. has everything rolled into one show!

There's suspense; how much is this hula girl lamp, that my grandfather brought back from his trip to the Congo in 1926 worth?  Is it real?  Is it fake?  Do I really have an authentic piece of dinosaur poop?

She either had an orgasm or just found out the picture is worth a ton of money....who knows?
There's humor; (insert best Wisconsin accent here) "Omigosh!  I found this painting in my neighbor Ruth's attic while cleaning it our after her husband Hufford passed away, God rest his soul, he was such a good man, except for that one incident at the old center church where he had too much Jesus Juice and ended up dropping his pants on the alter."

There's empathy; "I'm sorry ma'am, this piece of pottery is not from 1398, it is in fact from the year 1983, as it is clearly stamped on the bottom here next to Ron's Pottery Shop, Cuba, Indiana.  I hate to tell you this but it is worth about 35 cents, not $3,000,000 like you originally let me smash it for you to save you from having to bring it home."

There's fright; that "woman" in the wheelchair, with an oxygen tank strapped to the back of it, holding a cigarette in her left hand, missing 14 teeth and going bald.  That scares me more than any vampire or werewolf.

There's fury;  I despise the people who have something worthwhile on that show.  The most atrocious, gaudy, vile looking vase that they bought for $25.00 at the Boise Idaho Flea Market is worth between $150,000 and $200,000 at auction AND if they fix the little tiny chip in the base of it, the value will go up somewhere between $250,000 and $300,000.  I can't ever get that lucky!  I have good taste...

And you wondered how Santa makes money...he steals.

Sometime I don't even watch the people in front of the camera, I can care less which ancient Chinese artist made that teapot or which dynasty it's from, I sometimes scan the crowds in the background.  This can be where to good shit is!  You get to see the crap they have and know it's worthless because they didn't make it on camera.  Some of them have no clue that they are being filmed in the background so there's lots of wedgie pickings, nose pickings (right up your ally Blondie) and just plain stupid looks on people's faces.  Sometimes if you're lucky you get the occasional peekers who try to stand on their tiptoes to get a better look at the good stuff that they have on camera.

As I watch the A.R., I rack my brain, mentally searching each room in the house, looking for items that could possibly be worth some sort of monetary value. (Hey, when the Minions go to college it's going to be like a million dollars a semester)  I get pissed at my parents for not having anything worth something.  I do have a pretty cool painting that was given to my dad for his retirement, but it was painted in 1989 NOT 1889, so it's probably not worth anything yet.  I did collect some old tools from him as well, but who knows?  Maybe that God awful yellow lamp I gave my Godmother at my Mom's memorial service was worth something....

Can you beat Jabba's offer?
So when the A.R. makes it's way to Massachusetts, someone alert me, I need to go and check it out.  Maybe I can do this.  I have the Boba Fett costume, now where can I find a carbonite Han Solo?

This post as been regurgitated for my Dude Write post this week.    Head on over there, read the awesome Dude blogs and then come back on Monday to vote for your favorite five!
Dude Write


  1. Woman- "This antique vase has been in my family for hundreds of generations and is a prized heirloom. I could never ever part with but I woukd like to know it's value.

    AR- I'll give you £50.000 for it.

    Woman- Sold!

    Kevin, this is fast becoming one of my favourite blogs! You are so bloody funny and NEVER fail to make me laugh.

    Seriously, you are THE MAN!

  2. In all honesty I would probably do the same thing...I know this was my grandmother's but it's worth how much? Sold!

    Thanks for th props Lily! I am glad I can make people laugh and it's fantastic that my blog is becoming one of your favorites!

  3. Funny stuff man! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to scout my house for valuable junk, basement especially!

    1. Good luck, I've been searching for years....well my house not yours...

  4. One of the blessings of PBS is the information and education you get from it, now that I know how Santa really makes his money I will have to do inventory Christmas Eve and watch A R for my missing items.

    You would have thought you could trust a bearded man in a red suit, just goes to show you.

    1. Hey....isn't that grandma's hope diamond bracelet?

  5. You forgot about the Indian baskets. I can never tell if those are only good for storing my bag of weed or actually worth fifty thousand bucks.

    1. Yes, you are right CC, I forgot the Indian usually only see those when AR comes to Arizona or New Mexico though....

  6. I did the Antique Roadshow thing once. We had a tenant that got six months behind in rent. After we evicted her, she left all her stuff behind. She had hundreds of old VICTROLA porcelain one-sided records.

    Antique Roadshow rolled through town a few months later and I packed them up. They looked in the boxes and said, "Records? You brought records?"

    I showed them, "No, look. These are one sided porcelain. I have Frank Sinatra, Elvis, and Henny Youngman."

    He offered me a nickel a piece to leave. I took it and went to the bar to unsuccessfully drown my sorrows in the two beers my profit bought me.

    1. No shit! You actually were able to break the lines and get to the show? I have yet to meet anyone who has been on there, or at least been to one.

  7. Haha this post reminds me of "Grandma's Boy"

  8. Hilarious posting and Congrats on maintaining the Platinum card! I can only get 2 PBS channels neither have The Red Green Show anymore. :/ He's like my favorite handyman, miss seeing his show!

  9. Congratulations on your Platinum status yet again! Well done, sir, well done!