Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Excuse Me Ma'am, You're A Shitbrick

Normally little petty things like what happened to me today I let roll off my back like water off a duck's ass but this was the second time in less than a week this exact instance happened to me.

See?  Water does roll off a duck's ass.
Oh sorry, I didn't fill you in on the details.  I have been waking up late the past few mornings because of the perfect sleeping factors.  The fan blowing in on you, the cool, fresh summer air, you know the ideal sleeping conditions.  So because I have been rolling my fat ass out of bed fifteen minutes later than normal I haven't had time to construct my lunch.  What this means is I have been going to Subway for lunch, it's easy, fairly cheap and healthier than the other alternatives.

I have no issues with Subway whatsoever, except for that one time where they messed up my sandwich, I like them, they are sandwich artists (gotta say it with a French accent..ar-Tists) and did I mention they are cheap.  They have been popping up all over the place out here lately, I think someone is going nuts with the franchises and more power to them.

Oops, I still haven't told you about the situation or should I say situations that set me off.  Last Friday I went to Subway and there were two people in line ahead of me, together, a male and female, in their late 50s.  The female or shitbrick if you will ordered a sub while the male or fuck face was on his phone.  Every Subway employee is trained to ask if you would like another sandwich after you place your initial order, kind of like the old "Do you want fries with that?".  This is where the fun began...

"Yes, we are going to need, um, honey what does Billy want?"

(Whilst on the phone) "Hang on, I'm waiting for him to come to the phone."

"OK, snookums, what about Brittany?"

(Still on the phone) "Bertha, put Brittany on the phone...what kind of sandwich do you want?"

(Repeating to shitbrick) "Ham and cheese."

"What kind of bread?", asks the Subway dude.

"What kind of bread?", shitbrick relays to fuck face.

"What kind of bread?", fuck face asks Brittany.


At this point my left eye started to twitch.  I looked at both of them and thought who the hell doesn't know how to order a sub at Subway?  They have the same items on the menu with the exception of the sub of the month.  They use the same ingredients on your sandwich, have the same bread and they even have the same condiments.  It's like going to KFC and asking what they serve...they serve fucking chicken you dingle berry!

I will spare you the rest of the conversation but I can assure you it followed suit with the beginning.  It took these jamokes ten minutes to order five subs for themselves, Brittany, Bertha and Billy.  Holy shit knockers!  But, this was a rare occurrence...or so I thought, fast forward to today.

It was a different Subway this time yet there were two people ahead of me.  This time it was a young, portly girl who didn't subscribe to the Chicken Theory, more of the pizza and french fries theory, and her (what I presume) mother.  Now, I've learned one thing having the Minions, you don't let them order their meals at a place like this, there are too many options and it just confuses the shit out of them.

"What would you like Tundra?"

"What do they have mumma?

"Well they have your favorite."

"Oh, I want the meat right there."  (As she points a little Jimmy Dean finger at the glass)

"What kind of bread would you like?" (I roll my eyes and sigh deeply, here we go again)

"What kinds do you have?" (What the fuck?  What kid that age and that chubby asks what kind of bread, just give her Wonder Bread for Christ's sake!  At this point I would have been ordering for her, especially with the fifteen other customers that strolled in.)

"We have....(insert all the breads here)."

"Which one is white bread?"  (Arrrrrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhh!!!)

"OK, which meat did you want?"

"That one."  (Both eyes are twitching now.)

"OK, the steak and cheese, will there be another sub?", the Subway dude asks mumma who is now on the phone..

"Huh? Oh sorry I was getting the other orders, hang on I'm getting them."

What the holy shitballs is going on?  This vaginal yeast infected blood fart is copying shitbrick and fuck face from Friday!  Are you shitting me?  How is this even possible?  Maybe they are aliens who are tracking me and know when I'm going to Subway, they beam themselves down just before I walk in and piss me the fuck off.

OK, it's class time for those of you reading this who do that.  Pay attention to the lesson that Professor K is about to learn you.  Here is a dose of Subway etiquette.

Alright class, settle down
 First, if you have a big order, meaning more than two subs, write that shit down BEFORE you enter Subway.  If you do that, you can just order the subs, bang, bang, bang or even better hand the list to the ar-Tist, they can read, it's a job requirement.

Second, put your goddamn cell phone away when it's your turn to order.  It's a distraction like texting and driving and just as dangerous.  You could end up with an angry blogger all up on your shit.  This rule goes for any restaurant, whether it's a fast food or a sit down, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR ONE WAY CONVERSATION.

Third, know what you want BEFORE you step up to the "Order Here" sign.  If Subway is new to you, like if you're an exchange student from Somolia,  take a few minutes to peruse the menu and get acquainted with it.  It's not a long menu, they have like sixteen types of sandwiches, it's not rocket science.

Fourth, when it comes to what bread you want, it's simple.  Italian= white, wheat is the darker brown one, oats and honey is the one with the crunchy shit on top and Italian herb an cheese is the one with the brown schmeckus melted on top and honestly they all taste about the same.  Think about what kind of bread you have at home and order that one.

Finally, yes, there are items that you can add to your sandwich that cost extra.  Don't act all surprised when you ask for bacon, avocado and extra cheese and they tell you that it will be four dollars more.  There are signs all over the place telling you that.

Extra credit, most of the newer Subways have actually instructions on how to order your sandwich, seriously, they do starting with 1.  Choose your bread...imagine that.

In the future, take my lesson to heart and don't be a shitbrick or a fuck face at Subway, the masses that have gathered behind you will thank you or at least not maim you.

This kids, is a vaginal yeast infected blood fart, take note and stab him.
Dude Write

25 comments:

  1. I know exactly the rage you feel when it comes to shit like this! I think they should have 2 different ordering stations at any fast food joint. One for those who know what they want and know how to order their shit, pay and get the fuck out!

    The other for the shitbricks...the slackers, the undecided idiots who take up your entire lunch break because they can't read the God Damn menu!

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    1. I know exactly what your talking about with the slackers...ugh

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  2. I am pumping my fucking fist in the air as a show of complete and utter solidarity! I too had a Subway experience from the depths of Hell and beyond today, but it was the Vaginal Yeast Infected Blood Fart behind the counter who lacked in the brain capicital department. I capitalized there because what a fucking brill phrase that is - it deserves all caps, but I don't want to appear as though i'm shouting. I pull the car up to a window emblazoned with Appollo Ono's shitt eating grin, almost begging me to order the avocado whoseewhatsis. I'm sold. Give me that fucker on wheat. Oh, wait. Upon walking into said establishment, there's my skater buddy once again imploring me to get the guac. Okay dude, you don't have to ask me twice. But he asks 3 times as I see his mug again behind the counter. When I ask Banana Pepper Princess behind the counter for the all encompassing sandwich of dreams, she informs me that they dont have avocado. I joke that it's a good thing they got the posters up though. Crickets. I SAY, iT'S A GOOD THING THEY GOT THE POSTERS UP!" hehehehe. Nothin'. There's more, but why burden you? Okay, I'll burden you with just this: the guy in front of me spent 5 minutes hitting on BananaPepper Princess while I stood there and waited for my decidedly UN avocado laden sandwich. Moral of the story my friend: I think we're both packing tomorrow. If not our lunch, then an AK 47 to Subway. See you on CNN. And Kevin - I cried as I read this, I laughed so hard! Fist pump!

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    1. I am still laughing at the Banana Pepper Princess, that is classic. I despise when I get tempted by something and you go to order and they are out, it's like walking into KFC and seeing the great chicken sandwiches and the Chicken Fucker tells you the are out of chicken.

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    2. I seriously had that happen at a Popeye's Chicken once. Chicken Fucker HA! I love that!

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  3. I may be wrong but I'm sensing some sort of agitation...
    Subway has just become mega popular over here but after reading this, I almost scared to go and pay our local Sub a visit.

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    1. It's rarely the Banana Pepper Princesses, it's the dingle berries ordering....bring your baseball bat.

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  4. You think you got a stabby feeling waiting for them to finish? Try standing behind the counter all day with retarded douchebags like this coming through. It's a lot less rare than you think. I worked at a Subway in college and while it probably was better than flipping burgers, it still sucked donkey balls. I swear I went home with at least one twitchy eyeball everyday muttering "Serenity now." I never want to work in the service industry again because people are such asshats.

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    1. May the maker bless you...I can only imagine the pain people behind the counter go through.

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  5. As a current fast food employee (only for one more day though LoL) who has several years doing this under my belt, I have to agree with Becky. My first tax-paying job was at a Subway. Not only did I deal with assholes like that all day while I was there, it has been the same at every restaurant I've worked at. I work at D.Q. currently and for some reason people get stupid when you ask them what kind of topping they want in a blizzard....despite having it listed on the board and the counter-tops they are leaning on, we also have most of our toppings on easy display......That is irritating. I hate when I ask someone what they would like and they ask me what we have.....Hello, there's a damn menu for a reason!! Learn to read before you learn to drive and we wouldn't have half as many of those problems. I could go on and on. Now I'm pumped up LoL Great post!

    http://rantingsofamouthybitch.blogspot.com/

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    1. Again....may the maker bless you. I think ice cream places are worse than Subway, way too many choices...

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  6. Oh yeah you spoke from the heaven my biggest peeve. :) I can also tell you it was probably just as or more frustrating to the workers. :( As a past cashier I hated people who stood in line talking on the phone, got to the register and continued the conversation while the line of customers grew and became bitchy. My boss wouldn't allow me to wear a sign that said, "Get off your f@#$ing phone" Enjoyed reading your post!

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    1. Actually up here there are a few places that have posted signs saying to hang up before ordering and to that I applaude them!

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  7. Now I know why people look at Lisa and I like we are nuts when we let them go in front of us in line. We rarely visit the same restaurant twice being that we are new to San Diego and there are many options. So we take a look at the menu board (in most mexican, sub or cafeteria style places the menu is there behind them). We talk it over and then get in the line. People are always like "are you sure?" Now I know why! We are supposed to just hold a phone to our ear and pretend to have a conversation while we decide what we want. Thankfully we mostly visit brewpubs and when it comes to ordering a beer I am quick on the draw.

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  8. What you do is not odd...at least not to me, we let people go ahead of us all the time because the Minions haven't a clue what they want despite ordering the Dack same thing evrytime.

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  9. My road rage doesn't seem so bad after all.

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    1. Sometimes I want to take a 12" oat and honey and slam it against their heads!

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  10. Sometimes I go to Subway, I always get the same thing. I know the order. Once in a while though, when the ask which bread, I'll draw a blank and while I search frantically for the poster to try to remember, I start to sweat because I'm worrying I'm holding up the line.

    subswass.....the perspiration running down the crack of your ass when you draw a blank in the line at Subway?

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    1. Subswass! Awesome term Ken! I know the feeling though, you order the same thing yet you have a brain fart on the simple part.

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  11. Man, and I thought I had anger issues...wait, I do! This post made me angry! Daniel SMASH!

    OK...all good now...hope people will either write down your brief "Subway 101" lesson, or never order at Subway again!

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    1. The atrophy calls me the Hulk...unfortunately it's not because I smash good in bed....

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  12. I think we've all had to endure inconsiderate Subway patrons at some point. Way to sum up all of our feelings. :)

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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    1. I stand on my soap box and speak for everyone!

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  13. I couldn't agree with you more, dude. I worked in an ice cream store for ten years during summers, and it was unbelievable how customers, after standing in line for twenty minutes, had NO CLUE what they wanted to order.

    Then, every little option became a HUGE decision (hard or soft ice cream, sprinkles or no sprinkles, cup or cone).

    And then, after all of that... they would LET THEIR CHILDREN ORDER, which increased the decision-time by five.

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  14. LOL Should've smacked them both alongside the head :)
    I found your blog via Dude write btw

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