Saturday, November 10, 2012

Meet Mr. Shitbrick

If you recall I had two previous shitbrick experiences in the past and both of them came at Subway franchises.  If you don't recall you can head here and read about it.  Again, take your time just make sure you come back here to finish this post.

Since then I have been in several Subway franchises with no problems what-so-ever.  Even the Banana Pepper Princesses that work there don't bother me as much as my friend Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom.  Again, it's healthier, cheaper and a better value than a lot of other fast food joints.  I have to say it really amazes me how a seasoned sandwich ar-Tist can take multiple orders and rarely screw it up.  I almost forgot about my shitbrick experiences until today at lunchtime.

I decided to go to a brand new, grand opened Subway along my travels in a metropolis in Massachusetts.  I walked in and holy crap on a cracker! this place was modern!  The good news was there was nobody in line when I walked in so I decided to go the bathroom, bad mistake.  In the less than five minutes of urination, washing my hands and heading back to the counter, about eleven people ended up in front of me.  I'm in a good mood today so I thought to myself, "Not a problem, the ar-Tists are usually really quick, even if they have to toast a sub."  How quickly I forget what happens to people when they are in line in front of me.  Their common sense disappears.

The first few customers breezed through without a hitch, then came Mr. Professional Computer Salesguy in his fancy penny loafers, pleated Dockers, blue shirt with a white collar and stupid-ass tie.  He was wearing his trendy glasses and his dome was so shiny I could see the people behind me in it.  Then I noticed it...the blue tooth earpiece.  Who the hell uses those things anymore?  That's when it started...

This guys starts having a conversation with absolutely no one.


"I'm at Subway, getting lunch."

"Sure I can pick up some subs, how many?"

"Hang on, I have someone on the other line."


"No, I'm at Subway getting lunch."

Luckily there were still a couple of people in front of him so this conversation wasn't getting on my nerves...yet.  Then it was his turn...

"Hang on, I'm about to order."  (No, no, fucking no.  Hang up the phone and place your order or step aside and let the rest of the people who know what they want get on with their lives.)

"I'll take a foot long "I'm a turd eater" on wheat bread, a foot long "My friend's a shitbrick" on Italian, a six inch "My penis is much smaller than that" on wheat, no, make that two of those and a six inch "My mom's a whore" on Italian."

Now there is one thing I've learned when ordering at Subway, you start with the bread first, especially when you have multiple subs.  It makes it easier on you, the ar-Tist and the people you're pissing off behind you.  Don't rattle off your entire sandwich order, if you get lost with this, please refer to the big fucking stickers that have the steps in numerical order on the glass.

So after having to repeat the sandwiches a few times instead of following the rules of Subway, this assclown is holding everyone up some more.  The rest of the order goes somewhat smoothly until...

"Oh shit, I forgot Mr. Vaginal Yeast Infected Blood Fart on the other line!"

Clicks over to Mr. V.Y.I.B.F. and proceeds to waltz his shiny bald ass back to the "Order Here" sign.

"He wants to know what kind of bread you have."

WHAT THE HOLY FUCK!  Do I instantly attract shitbricks in a Subway shop?  For the sake of repeating myself I will tell you, if you have never been into a Subway or any other fast food restaurant for that matter, step the shit aside and let the ones who know what is going on proceed with their order.  Again, it's like going to Pizza Hut and asking what they serve, they serve fucking pizza you wombat!

So, he finally gets the super order together and pays for it.  I proudly step up to the plate and order my sandwich like a pro...

"Can I help you?"

"Yes, can I get a foot long on wheat?"

"Sure what kind of sandwich would you like?"  (See?  You should wait for them to ask you that.)

"Ham and swiss cheese please, not toasted."

"And for veggies?"

"Everything except tomatoes and jalapeno peppers."


"Light mayo and salt and pepper.  Also I'm sorry you had to deal with shitbrick and the stupidity that he oozed."

"Thank you, your sandwich is on the house."

That's a lie, but I did make the Banana Pepper Princess laugh when I told her "..and that's how you order a sandwich."


  1. Hilarious! Love it. I used to go to Subway at lunch with orders from about 10 Employees. Before I even left work, I wrote down everyone's sandwich, in order, from the bread all the way down, exactly how you just stated you order. Only it was written down. Each sandwich neatly written on a piece of paper in order, and I hanged the paper to the sandwich artist upon my arrival. They loved me there.

    1. I handed them the paper, I did not hang anyone.

    2. Damn...I was gonna say...I want you as my sidekick when I go out to deal with customer service! ;)

    3. Yes! You do it right! That's what I do when we order for the Minions a d the Trophy. Write that shit down and just hand over the note.

  2. I have read all three of these posts, and now I want Quizno's.

    1. Sadly we don't have any Quiznos up here, when I lived in your neck of the woods we went there.

  3. I;m surprised you haven't run amok yet... Funny post!

    1. I'm a Dad on the edge after that experience.

  4. If I'm at Subway and I'm in a long line with people putting in multi-sandwich orders, I simply turnaround and walk out. I did that once at a Subway where one guy person was putting a four sandwich order and you had two people making that order. The other employee was at the register chatting up some good looking gal, and do you think he would take the time to stop his conversation and help out? Hell no.

    1. I've noticed that myself, it's like they have to man their stations and the one guy needs to stay at the register....odd.

  5. First of all...thanks for the shout out! Second...haha...NO...Lord Jesus Baby Jesus NO!...NOT the dreaded bluetooth! One of those came with my razor phone years ago and I never ever used it because...well...I just couldn't bring myself to do it. You painted such a vivid picture of Corporate Ass Fuckery here, right down to the Dockers. I felt like I was there. The "dome" line killed! I want a ham and swiss on wheat. Not toasted.

    1. I use Bluetooth but it is installed in my truck...I never have and I never will use one of those cancer causing cyborg things.

      And you're welcome for the shout out!

  6. I feel your pain - I have SO little patience for assclowns who are totally oblivious to the people in the world around them! I used to work at a "fast food" place in southern Virginia, in the drive-thru line. The people who couldn't pronounce the EYE-talian menu items were HILARIOUS! "I wanna pasketti and I'll take one-a them setties."
    "I'm sorry, a what?"
    "I'm sorry, I don't know what that is. Spaghetti?"
    "NO! A SETTY!! Z-I-T-I SETTY!"

    1. had a drive through Italian place? I can't even eat a burger in my truck without it getting everywhere, I can't imagine trying to down a plate of pasketti and meat bulbs.

      All I can imagine is that Honey Boo Boo beyond redneck family driving through there....

  7. The one thing I've noticed with our Subways down here, is that all the workers look like they just entered 8th grade (look very young) and the managers look like High School Freshman's which can be very scary. Our local Checkers looked like that too, and now Checkers is just an empty building setting there, Not from the economy, but because of their infractions with the health dept ppl just refused to eat there anymore. Sad too, bcuz Checkers did have good food.

    1. Well it's one of the few places I find that actually give school kids a chance to have a job, I doubt Subway is going under, their places are always jammed at lunchtime.

  8. I've noticed in my travels that the Subways in smaller towns are less likely to fuck up your order and they don't have an abundance of shitbricks.