Thursday, November 8, 2012

Theme Thursday: How Things Change

There are two types of married people out there, the ones who do not have kids and the ones who do have kids, we will call them happy and mush for brains, respectfully.  If you are reading this and you don't have kids (again singular kids don't count, that's easy handling right there) then what you are about to read is probably the second best birth control known to the modern world.
Obviously not a parent, you don't have sex.
When you get married and it's B.K. (Before Kids) there are lots of things you can do when it strikes your fancy.  You can do things like:

Call your significant other Friday at noontime and tell them to pack a suitcase when they get home because you guys are taking a spur of the moment trip out of town, just for the hell of it.

Go out to dinner where you want and not worry about ordering a beer for fear of people judging you drinking in front of your children.

Drop a stink pickle in peace.

Drive your vehicle without the smell of stale Goldfish, spilled juice and the sound of VeggieTales coming out of your speakers.

Can have coitus.

Yes, that's right, one of the biggest things, if not the biggest thing that changes when you decide to bring a human being into the world is your sex life.  It's funny how one of the best feelings in the world can produce an outcome that will render you and your spouse with the overwhelming inability to do the deed.  Once that small *ahem* bundle of joy makes the trek down the sperm slide and rears it's cone shaped head at you, your life has changed for-fucking-ever.

On a side note though, guys, if you haven't had the experience of seeing your wife in labor, my best advice to give to you is, when the doctor asks if you want to witness the birth, you say no.  Stay at the head of the bed and don't look in the mirror.  Don't believe the people who say that it is the most magical thing they have witnessed, there's nothing magical about's just plain gross.  You want magic?  Go see David Copperfield.

Now, don't get me wrong, you still participate in the act of coitus with your spouse, it's the frequency, length, time of day and location that changes.

Frequency - On the scale of how often you do it, the needle points to the lower end once you have kids.  The truth hurts, I'm sorry.  Instead of doing it twice a day everyday three times a week when you get married it drops down a level each time you are blessed decided were fooled into believing you could have multiple children.  With one kid, you can still do it on a regular basis and even keep up on your three times a week schedule.  With two kids, once a week can be a stretch.  You need to plan a schedule around naps, play dates and bed times.  If you are caring brave deranged enough to have three or more kids, forget it, get used to celibacy for the next eighteen years.

Length - Now most women complain about how long a guy can last to begin with but I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad gets worse with kids.  You need to cram what sould take an hour into five, maybe ten minutes tops.  Foreplay is not an option soldier, you get in and get out before the enemy catches on to what is happening behind closed doors.  When you find a moment of solitude with your spouse, you better be ready to go.  Another thing that can greatly reduce the length of service is the rhythmic knock, knock, knocking on the door, nothing puts you into hurry mode quicker than the possibility of innocent eyes seeing your hairy ass.  Don't worry, I've been told that once they hit those magical teenage years, the time frame will increase, for now though, enjoy the time you do get, Flash.

Time of Day - Night time coitus becomes elusive, especially the more kids you have.  By the time you wrangle the Minions up, bathe them, brush their teeth, make them pee, get them into their jammies, have them pick out a story (each choosing a different story), read the story, tuck them in, say their prayers, let them get up to go to the bathroom again, tuck them back in, say their prayers one more time and then shut off the're fucking beat.  They procrastinate and in turn, you have just exerted more energy in the hour of bedtime than you did all day long.  You will try to attempt morning sex but there is a problem, you start fooling around and then realize that this ain't the movies, you both have breath that smells like a monkey took a shit in your mouths and one of you has to take a leak or drop a deuce.  At this point you've made enough noise brushing your teeth and flushing the toilet to wake up the Minions.  In a nutshell, don't get comfortable with one particular time of day, you could very well find yourselves locking the bedroom door at 2:17 PM on a Sunday afternoon while the Minions are watching Star Wars.

Location - Don't get all excited about this part, it may sound thrilling and daring but this doesn't mean you get to move it, move it in the movies, get down in the dressing room of Sears or bang in the bathroom of Subway.  All this means is you may not always get the chance to do it in your own bed.  You may have that kid who crawls into bed with you guys and takes up 3/4 of the queen size bed and well, I don't know about you but I would consider it highly wrong to participate in the act of coitus with a three year old in the way.  Fortunately for me, our Minions don't crawl into bed with us, each have tried once, but they found out that it was like snuggling with a Wookie, a very flatulent Wookie.  You can find other locations throughout the domicile like the toy room, garage or even the shed but with the first three things that change, this is the last thing you have to worry about.

One last thing with how coitus changes after having kids is the technique of birth control you may use and the reason for that is simple, we have three Minions because we don't want four.

This is my Theme Thursday post, go and click on the Theme Thursday picture on the right side of my blog and go read the other really funny people.  Just remember, I am in fact a Dad trapped in a Mommy blogging world.


  1. Where did you get a picture of my cupholder?

    1. It's amazing what you can find in Google Images....

  2. I loved this! Very funny. You and I think a lot alike.

  3. Pah! No child will get in the way of me having sex! kids will end up in care, won't they?

    1. Keep telling yourself that, one day you might actually believe it.

  4. "...You want magic? Go see David Copperfield." *chortle*! That's funny!