Monday, November 12, 2012

50 Shades of Shut the F@%k Up: Chapter 6

Ugh...do I really have to continue this? Do I?  Yes I do...it has been demanded that I do this so, for the sake of my readers I will plug on and I figure if I do a chapter a week, I should be done relatively soon...I hope.  So without further ado, chapter six of 50 Shades from a dude's point of view.

Again...this book fucking blows.  Chapter six and the only thing remotely close to sex is a kiss between Steeley and The Grey Man, well that and Steeley's self contained orgasms that she has anytime she thinks of The Grey Man.

Vroom, vroom...bitch.
So the chapter starts off with Steeley getting into what she calls a "beast of a car" which in fact is an Audi SUV...they are not giant vehicles.  Some music comes on and Steeley dampens her panties...again.  The Grey Man proceeds to tell her that his music is eclectic, ranging from Thomas Tallis (who the fuck is Thomas Tallis?) to Kings of Leon....really?  That's eclectic?  No you stupid overly handsome stalker, eclectic is everything from Bach to Megadeth, Brittany Spears to Hank Williams Sr..  Veggie Tales to AC/DC.  If Steeley wants eclectic, go find some musician, you're in Seattle for shit sake!

So, dickhead is driving Steeley home and she suddenly comes to reality that he has never inquired where she lives, yet he knows...well duh, he sent you the $14,000 worth of books and tracked your cell phone dummy, he's like a psychotic James Bond.  She keeps pining for a kiss from him but he holds his ground and does not give in.  I bet she has monkey shit breath, most hippies who live in the Northwest only eat beans, sprouts and shit like that.

They get to the apartment and he walks her up and picks up his brother Elliot....Elliot?  Did I already go off on this name?  The last time I heard the name Elliot was back in the 80's and E.T. fixed his ouch.  Well it comes to light that Steeley's roommate Double K is a certified whore, she loooooves the cock.  Again the best description was about Double K and her J.B.F. hair (I learned that last week during Theme Thursday, it means Just Been Fucked).  I think this author is a closet lesbian, more description on the females, especially Double K.

Double K interrogates Steeley again about if he doinked The Grey Man and Steeley, obviously stressed from not getting the Grey Sausage, snaps at Double K and tells her that she wants her instead...no not really, but at this point it should have happened.  She tells Double K that she is going to Seattle with The Grey Man and immediately they go all slumber party and Steeley gets plucked, shaved, waxed and creamed (which is what she is hoping The Grey Man will do to her...)  So wait...Double K just shaved Steeley?  And you tell me these two have done NOTHING while going to college and living together?  I call bullshit on that one.

The Grey Man picks Steeley up and they fly off in his helicopter..of course, he's a billionaire, why not?  It happens all the time to the normal college student.  Inside the helicopter, he gets all weird and freaky by telling her that he likes the harness on her...dude!  get the fuck out now!  We have a rapist alert going off!  While in the helicopter she has her umpteenth internal orgasm by fantasizing about his stubble.  Really?  I don't shave for a few days and I look like I have the mange.

By the power of Grayskull
The author throws in a couple of stupid references like Dark Knight and White Knight (Batman anyone?) and Blade Runner (where did that come from?) and they get to his tower and naturally it's like this 8,000 square foot, Tony Stark elaborate place.  They have a conversation over wine and then she tells him to make love to her.  Yeah, I don't think any guy has ever had a girl they just met tell them to make love to them.  But, of course in The Grey Man fashion he proceeds to tell her, and I'm quoting here, "No, Anastasia, it doesn't.  First, I don't make love, I fuck...hard."

He proceeds to get a Non Disclosure Agreement out and has her sign it.  Wow...at this point Steeley deserves to get murdered and her body parts stored in the freezer after ignoring all of these Jefferey Dahmer signs.  But not our Steeley, she signs the contract and then he brings her upstairs to show her the room, which looks like something from "...the sixteenth century and Spanish Inquisition."

And nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Imagination Factor




My first 5 cuff rating.  The imagination for this chapter is off the charts, I dare anyone to bring me proof that a college senior was swept off her feet by a stalker billionaire and flown to a different city in his private helicopter...seriously, good luck.

Wishful Thinking Factor




Another 5 cuff rating, wishful thinking on the author's part.  Again I don't see a billionaire swooping in and picking up any plain Jane woman, besides isn't there only like six billionaires in the world?

Visualization Factor




Three cuffs on this part.  It's the same descriptions all over again, ...blah, blah, hair...blah, blah, lips...blah, blah, mousey...what the hell is mousey anyway?

Pornographic Factor







One cuff...again, besides some subtle hinting at wanting to have sex...nada.  Maybe next chapter, no that she has seen the Medieval Torture Chamber.

High Expectation Factor
Pfffft.  If any normal woman has delusions of grandeur and wants their partner to be like Grey...forget it, unless they win the lottery and get a complete make over, this entire book is filled with high expectations.  Make The Grey Man a beer drinking, pot bellied redneck and then we have a realistic view on things, of course that would make it more like Deliverance I guess.

8 comments:

  1. I have heard nothing good about these books - yet I keep seeing my friends posting on FB about having read them. Did you know there is more than one? I applaud your attempt at getting through the book, but bad writing is still bad writing. From now on, skim it and make some shit up - see who corrects you.

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    1. Every single female friend I have has read them...I can't see why, their husbands try the kinky shit on them and they get all prudish.

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  2. If the book blows why continue on? Why torture yourself? And who are these readers demanding more? Have they no lives? Have they no taste in literature?

    I would do what the first person said...skim it! No one will ever know!

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    1. Who says I'm not skimming it already?

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  3. My wife never reads and yet she is plowing through all three of these. I tried to read the firt and couldn't do it. I skipped to the good parts and found the're are none...Penthouse forum has better porn!

    THis book is crap, but it does get my wife going...when does book #4 come out?

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    1. You can get better porn watching the scrambled stations of HBO.

      Forget #4, there is a movie in the works from what I hear.

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  4. Yay! More 50 Shades! I absolutely love your reviews. Hilarious, and informative.

    Also, because I enjoy your blog so much I am awarding you with The Sunshine Award. Now you're really a dude stuck in woman's world of blogging!

    http://hypnoticbard.blogspot.com/2012/11/ive-got-sunshine-on-cloudy-day.html

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    1. Thanks and thanks! You want to see something funny? Give an award to Dan up above, that's fun stuff right there!

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