Friday, September 28, 2012

Peep This, Bitch!

New England?
Ah, Fall in New England, there's nothing quite like it.  The air is crisp and clean and the sky is bright and clear.  The sound of laughter resonates through the apple orchards as families pick the apples right from the trees.  The crumbs from the cider donut float in your hot pumpkin coffee after just dipping it.  The smell of the local and state fairs flood your nostrils with the aroma of fried foods and cotton candy.  The taste of fresh apple cider straight from the press.  The leaves crunch softly as you hike through the quiet woods with nothing but the sounds of birds off in the distance.  It sounds fantastic doesn't it?

Kiss my left ass cheek and make the right one jealous.

Fall in New England is torture for us living here.  There, I just dragged you out of your little day dream of a romantic walk bundled up in sweaters and "walking boots".  Sure there are lots of things that make Fall my favorite season, and yes, you read that right, it is my favorite season, I like Fall because, as a fluffy guy, it is much more tolerable than summer and not as cold as winter, but unfortunately there are too many other things that counteract the nice aspects of Fall.
 
1.  Pumpkin, mother f'ing, everything.  Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy a nice piece of pumpkin pie but, as soon as September 1st hits the calendar, every food retailer in New England unveils their pumpkin arsenal.  You have pumpkin coffee, pumpkin lattes, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin donuts, pumpkin bagels, pumpkin candy, pumpkin chips, pumpkin beer...wait, pumpkin beer is good, we need to keep that around just for the sake of our sanity, but every other type of food up here suddenly gets a pumpkin cousin to add to the family.


2.  Back to School.  Most people rejoice when they send their kids back to school, we did the same when we put Minions #1 and #2 on the bus, but with great rejoicing come many headaches.  Two days into it they come home with an assortment of papers and flyers from the school.  There are forms upon forms to fill out, book fair circulars, fundraising pamphlets and school pictures.  Holy shit!  I need to save up money the day after the Minions get out of school just to support...school.

3.  Temperature Fluctuations.  The temperatures up here change like priests in a Catholic church.  You wake up and it's 35 degrees out and by the time you come home it's 80 degrees out.  Mother Nature is a menopausal bitch.  Everyone gets sick in the fall and there's no amount of vitamin C that will help it.  This, with the inevitable petridish know as a public school make Fall a son-of-a-bitch season to get through.  Then you have the problem when it comes to Halloween, it's so cold out that night the kids have to wear a parka over their Superman costume.  This year the Minions will have Eskimo costumes.


4.  Winter Is Right Around The Corner.  This could be a post of it's own and it probably will be, but when the calendar changes to September, every seasoned New Englander knows in that that white shit will be appearing soon.  We start swapping out out lawn furniture for snow shovels, we tune up our plows and snow blowers and we replace air conditioners with storm windows.  We do all of this while most of you are still swimming in your pools and BBQing on your decks, asstards.

And lastly....


5.  Two Words - Leaf Peepers.  Listen you freaks of nature, for the love of all that is good, stay the fuck home!  I'm glad you got up at the ass crack of dawn and drove all the way up here from Asshat, New York but do you really have to drive so slow on a Sunday while I am trying to run to the store to get a gallon of milk because we ran out?  Oooooh.  Ahhhhh.  Look at the colors....what do you mean look at the colors?  Oooooh.  Ahhhhh. Your ass.  It's red, orange and yellow.  You can open a basic Crayola crayon box and see the exact same colors.  Give me your email address and I will send you a picture of the foliage, you can print it out in HD and hang it on the wall so that you can keep your city ass home.

You spend your entire Sunday driving over covered bridges that were meant to hold the weight of a horse not a Prius, looking this way and that at the "lovely colors", while sipping your pumpkin chai, latte, mocha, frocha, go crash into a tree coffee.  You drive to the local apple orchard, where the other eleven months of the year the people who live here buy the fresh fruit and produce from, allowing the orchard owners to raise the price of the apples and other fall food, because they know your dumb ass will pay $5.00 for a glass of apple cider.

So, before you decide to take your next Sunday adventure, please remember the people who live here the other 350 (or so) days of the year.  Thank you...and go shove an Indian Corn up your ass.

Dude Write
Once again, I am submitting this post to the weekly Dude Write Challenge.  Make sure you read all of the other Dude Bloggers, comment on their blogs if you feel inclined and then come back to vote for your favorite ones...with mine being one of you favorites I hope.

26 comments:

  1. Pumpkin coffee sounds strange and awesome simultaneously! Do they serve it in different foliage-colour variants?

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    1. You've never had a pumpkin coffee?? It all depends on where you get it, Dunkin Donuts just adds fake pumpkin flavor where you go to some fancy coffee shop they will make a cute little leaf in the foam.

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    2. Sadly, pumpkin-themed foods aren't widely available in Denmark or Ukraine, so nope - never had the pleasure! Will put it on my bucket list!

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  2. Oooh look at the pretty leaves! I want cider!

    I like fall too. Hate the cold mornings and hot afternoons though. You never know how to dress!

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    1. You'd fit right in Dan...with the leaf peepers.

      I can deal with bundling up in the morning and removing layers...although today is your typical New England day...it's grey.

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  3. So much anger Kevin...over the leaves...and from a Boy Scout! lol I hear ya bruthuh! We can't even get near our local orchard on the weekends because of the Asshat New Yorkers. The old people leaf photo cracked me up so much I spit my pumpkin latte at the screen. No, I jest. But I'll take one of those pumpkin beers! I want to go to New England during Fall, my favorite season. Or, to put it in a more Martha Stewart-walking boot-way, "Autumn". I want to be crunching on those leaves in my brand new Timerland hiking boots while Barry Manilow croons "Weekend In New England".

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    1. We have a variety of pumpkin beers, that's the best part. I'm not angry at the leaves or even Fall...it's the asshats that push me over the edge.

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  4. Fall is one of my favorite times of year too. Football, food (T-day), and cooler weather. I like NOT paying $237847.43 a month for electric bills (<---dumbass lives in Texas).

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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    1. And I thought my electric bill was high.... :-)

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  5. This is why I choose to stay in my own little slice of suburbia here in Connecticut. I'm about fifteen minutes from the Capitol, where plowing is non-existant in the winter time there (think about the winter of '10/11 and you'll get a good understanding on why working in the city sucks in the winter time), and I get all of the leaf peeping that I need with Cedar Mountain some twenty feet away from my house.

    Anything with pumpkin is gross.

    If you can't deal with temper fluctuations, then you simply ain't a true New Englander.

    You want school aggravation?

    Try having an overacheiver for child who ice skates, dances, plays trumpet in a jazz band, play french horn in a symphony band, belongs to a science clud AND was elected school historian.

    Can you say, perpetually broke?

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    1. I'm a true New Englander all the way, just because I rant about it doesn't me I don't like living here.

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  6. I liked the priest reference.

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    1. Yeah, sometimes I come up with some good sayings...

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  7. "Mother Nature is a menopausal bitch." Normally I'm annoyed with "weather talkers" but this was awesome.

    I will take the Fall pumpkin beer over Christmas chocolate beer anytime. That shit's just so wrong.

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    1. I am far from a weather talker, in fact I can't stand people who live and die by the radar. I tell the weather by sticking my head outside to see what it's doing.

      Christmas chocolate beer? Ewwwwww.....

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  8. I'd leave a longer comment, but I'm late getting out of the house to go annoy my neighbors to the west with my slow driving whilst looking at the pretty leaves.

    I love when you get all ranty, Kevin. I'll be enjoying an Oktoberfest beer (no pumpkin to my knowledge) in your honor, sir. (I'd be enjoying it anyway, this just makes me feel better about myself)

    WG

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    1. Oktoberfest usually doesn't have pumpkin in it, but is damn good just the same.

      I have noticed a couple of things since I started blogging, my most popular posts are 1. When I cause harm to myself, 2. When I write about the Minions and 3. When I rant about something...I guess I need to stick to those three things.

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  9. Pumpkin spice viagra: It'll make you orange...

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  10. Fall is my favorite time of year in Michigan...the only downside to me is the impending almost half a year of winter!

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  11. As a fellow New Englander (GO PATS!), I feel your pain. Fall is also my favorite time of the year - despite all things around me trying to make it bad.

    ...and yes, we need to keep the pumpkin beer. Chug 'em down then throw the empties at the peepers.

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  12. My town is gearing up for it's last hoorah, It's Apple Harvest time down here, festivals and a parade. Everything is apple everywhere! I can only think of brrrr for New Englanders. I boo hoo when the temp is cold outside and we have 6 inches of snow- don't know how you guys survive it all up north!

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  13. Haha I can really feel your passion on this issue, Kevin.

    I used to hate Fall, because it meant raking leaves every weekend, but now that I have responsibilities in terms of that, I would probably say that it is my favorite season.

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  14. Fall is just starting to show up here in Texas - everything is still green but the temperature has dropped the tiniest bit.... tiniest, tiniest bit really. But as far as pumpkins go - you guys are late. We're already working on snow-covered Christmas trees. Your state needs to pick up its step! None of this dawdling... I suggest maybe getting out the Easter Eggs to sort of compensate for this most unnatural delay?

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  15. I have a possibility of snow in the forecast for Wednesday!
    I don't think that I ever wore a Halloween costume that didn't fit over winter coats and boots.

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  16. LOL - I felt the same way about every single person going to see shit in DC when I lived there. We called them Tourons - tourist + moron.

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