Kiss my left ass cheek and make the right one jealous.
Fall in New England is torture for us living here. There, I just dragged you out of your little day dream of a romantic walk bundled up in sweaters and "walking boots". Sure there are lots of things that make Fall my favorite season, and yes, you read that right, it is my favorite season, I like Fall because, as a fluffy guy, it is much more tolerable than summer and not as cold as winter, but unfortunately there are too many other things that counteract the nice aspects of Fall.
1. Pumpkin, mother f'ing, everything. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy a nice piece of pumpkin pie but, as soon as September 1st hits the calendar, every food retailer in New England unveils their pumpkin arsenal. You have pumpkin coffee, pumpkin lattes, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin donuts, pumpkin bagels, pumpkin candy, pumpkin chips, pumpkin beer...wait, pumpkin beer is good, we need to keep that around just for the sake of our sanity, but every other type of food up here suddenly gets a pumpkin cousin to add to the family.
5. Two Words - Leaf Peepers. Listen you freaks of nature, for the love of all that is good, stay the fuck home! I'm glad you got up at the ass crack of dawn and drove all the way up here from Asshat, New York but do you really have to drive so slow on a Sunday while I am trying to run to the store to get a gallon of milk because we ran out? Oooooh. Ahhhhh. Look at the colors....what do you mean look at the colors? Oooooh. Ahhhhh. Your ass. It's red, orange and yellow. You can open a basic Crayola crayon box and see the exact same colors. Give me your email address and I will send you a picture of the foliage, you can print it out in HD and hang it on the wall so that you can keep your city ass home.
You spend your entire Sunday driving over covered bridges that were meant to hold the weight of a horse not a Prius, looking this way and that at the "lovely colors", while sipping your pumpkin chai, latte, mocha, frocha, go crash into a tree coffee. You drive to the local apple orchard, where the other eleven months of the year the people who live here buy the fresh fruit and produce from, allowing the orchard owners to raise the price of the apples and other fall food, because they know your dumb ass will pay $5.00 for a glass of apple cider.
So, before you decide to take your next Sunday adventure, please remember the people who live here the other 350 (or so) days of the year. Thank you...and go shove an Indian Corn up your ass.