Peep This, Bitch!

New England?

Ah, Fall in New England, there's nothing quite like it.  The air is crisp and clean and the sky is bright and clear.  The sound of laughter resonates through the apple orchards as families pick the apples right from the trees.  The crumbs from the cider donut float in your hot pumpkin coffee after just dipping it.  The smell of the local and state fairs flood your nostrils with the aroma of fried foods and cotton candy.  The taste of fresh apple cider straight from the press.  The leaves crunch softly as you hike through the quiet woods with nothing but the sounds of birds off in the distance.  It sounds fantastic doesn't it?

Kiss my left ass cheek and make the right one jealous.

Fall in New England is torture for us living here.  There, I just dragged you out of your little day dream of a romantic walk bundled up in sweaters and "walking boots".  Sure there are lots of things that make Fall my favorite season, and yes, you read that right, it is my favorite season, I like Fall because, as a fluffy guy, it is much more tolerable than summer and not as cold as winter, but unfortunately there are too many other things that counteract the nice aspects of Fall.
 
1.  Pumpkin, mother f'ing, everything.  Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy a nice piece of pumpkin pie but, as soon as September 1st hits the calendar, every food retailer in New England unveils their pumpkin arsenal.  You have pumpkin coffee, pumpkin lattes, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin donuts, pumpkin bagels, pumpkin candy, pumpkin chips, pumpkin beer...wait, pumpkin beer is good, we need to keep that around just for the sake of our sanity, but every other type of food up here suddenly gets a pumpkin cousin to add to the family.

2.  Back to School.  Most people rejoice when they send their kids back to school, we did the same when we put Minions #1 and #2 on the bus, but with great rejoicing come many headaches.  Two days into it they come home with an assortment of papers and flyers from the school.  There are forms upon forms to fill out, book fair circulars, fundraising pamphlets and school pictures.  Holy shit!  I need to save up money the day after the Minions get out of school just to support...school.

3.  Temperature Fluctuations.  The temperatures up here change like priests in a Catholic church.  You wake up and it's 35 degrees out and by the time you come home it's 80 degrees out.  Mother Nature is a menopausal bitch.  Everyone gets sick in the fall and there's no amount of vitamin C that will help it.  This, with the inevitable petridish know as a public school make Fall a son-of-a-bitch season to get through.  Then you have the problem when it comes to Halloween, it's so cold out that night the kids have to wear a parka over their Superman costume.  This year the Minions will have Eskimo costumes.

4.  Winter Is Right Around The Corner.  This could be a post of it's own and it probably will be, but when the calendar changes to September, every seasoned New Englander knows in that that white shit will be appearing soon.  We start swapping out out lawn furniture for snow shovels, we tune up our plows and snow blowers and we replace air conditioners with storm windows.  We do all of this while most of you are still swimming in your pools and BBQing on your decks, asstards.

And lastly....

5.  Two Words - Leaf Peepers.  Listen you freaks of nature, for the love of all that is good, stay the fuck home!  I'm glad you got up at the ass crack of dawn and drove all the way up here from Asshat, New York but do you really have to drive so slow on a Sunday while I am trying to run to the store to get a gallon of milk because we ran out?  Oooooh.  Ahhhhh.  Look at the colors....what do you mean look at the colors?  Oooooh.  Ahhhhh. Your ass.  It's red, orange and yellow.  You can open a basic Crayola crayon box and see the exact same colors.  Give me your email address and I will send you a picture of the foliage, you can print it out in HD and hang it on the wall so that you can keep your city ass home.

You spend your entire Sunday driving over covered bridges that were meant to hold the weight of a horse not a Prius, looking this way and that at the "lovely colors", while sipping your pumpkin chai, latte, mocha, frocha, go crash into a tree coffee.  You drive to the local apple orchard, where the other eleven months of the year the people who live here buy the fresh fruit and produce from, allowing the orchard owners to raise the price of the apples and other fall food, because they know your dumb ass will pay $5.00 for a glass of apple cider.

So, before you decide to take your next Sunday adventure, please remember the people who live here the other 350 (or so) days of the year.  Thank you...and go shove an Indian Corn up your ass.

Once again, I am submitting this post to the weekly Dude Write Challenge.  Make sure you read all of the other Dude Bloggers, comment on their blogs if you feel inclined and then come back to vote for your favorite ones...with mine being one of you favorites I hope.