Sunday, January 27, 2013

Dear Walmart Cashier...

Dude Write

It was a typical Sunday like most others and as many of you know Sunday is my only day off.  After a nice quiet morning a morning filled with the Minions beating the shit out of each other we needed to go out and get some things at our local stores.

Now you can judge me all you want but we shop at the Dollar Tree.  I don't care how white trashy it is, they have some normal everyday things that are only a buck...hence the name.  So we started our adventure there and bought a weeks worth of lunches for $3.00, then it was off to our local super market, Hannaford, you know to get the essentials beer, rolls, pie tins and whipped cream.  Whoa, whoa, whoa, before you get all judgmental on me let me explain something.

I am a Cubmaster (as previously stated) and this Thursday I am going to be the subject of a mass amount of abuse at the hand of my Cub Scouts.  You see we sold popcorn last year for our yearly fundraiser and the top sellers from each Den get to choose between silly stringing me, face painting me or pieing me in the face.  So on Thursday I get to have one Scout face paint me, three silly string me and two are going to pie me.  On top of that, each Scout who sold at least one item gets a strip of duct tape for each item they sold to duct tape me to the wall.  Let's just say that we have anywhere from one strip of duct tape to 43 strips of duct tape.

I shit you not.
I didn't start writing this post to tell you that though, I was telling you about my day.  After we went to the Dollar Tree and Hannaford, we needed to hit Hell itself, Walmart.  Just to give you a little background on this particular Walmart, it has been featured on People of Walmart several times, needless to say we try to avoid this Walmart and every Walmart if we can  But like most everyone in America, we are forced to wander into a Walmart from time to time, so in we went.

Myself, The Trophy and the Minions grabbed a cart and made a plan to get in and get the hell out as fast as we could, besides we only needed a few things.  It was record time as we blew through Walmart and then the last leg of our adventure, the check out line.  Come to find out everyone who was shopping there this afternoon decided to get in line at the same time and just like every normal family who is forced to shop at Walmart we picked what we thought was the shortest quickest line.

Live better?  Not if you stand in line behind some smelly bastard.

Despite the white trash guy and his mom in the wheelchair stinking like last week's dirty diaper, we were at least four customers deep in line.  As we were standing there we kept noticing the cashier was announcing almost everything each customer put on the belt.  By the time we got to the front of the line we were thankful we didn't but anything embarrassing, as each item arrived at the electronic eye of the conveyor belt, the cashier picked it up and made some comment about it.

"Oh, green salsa?  I'll be, I've never seen green salsa before!"

"Face paint?  Is someone a clown?"  (No you stupid toothless twit, I'm doing it for my Cub Scouts, plus I HATE clowns)

"Gum?  Someone must have bad breath."

We paid for our items without saying a word to "Nosey Rosey" and departed the hellhole, post haste.  As we loaded the Minions in the truck, The Trophy and I we bouncing thoughts off of each other about the cashier we just encountered.

What if we bought condoms?  "Well, looks like someone is getting lucky tonight!"

What about KY Jelly?  "Uh oh, looks like someone has a dryness problem."

Vagisil?  "Hmmm, problems downstairs honey?"

Twelve pack of beer? "Whoa, you know they have meetings for people like you."

Oder Eaters?  "You have the same problem my husband has I see."

Anti diarrheal medication?  "Whoa!  Someone has a case of the squirts tonight, good luck!"

You could almost call this an open letter to Walmart cashiers, but I don't subscribe into the whole "open letter" thing so it;s more of a common courtesy plea, we just want to pay for our shit and keep the pleasantries to "hello" and "thank you for shopping at Walmart."  Other than that, shut the fuck up, please and thank you.


  1. Walmart is such a special little circle of shopping hell isn't it?

  2. Can't say than I'm sorry to have missed out on running into a cashier like that. Woe until the overweight person in her line who dared to buy a gallon of ice cream.

    Back in the dark ages, I was our younger son's den mother. We held meeting here at the house, and had an absolute blast. Can't say that I ever got a whipped cream pie in the face, though.

  3. Try shopping there at 1AM. When I worked the swing shift, Walmart was the only place to stop for kids cold medicine or emergency diapers. I will never forget the old toothless lady arguing with a giant wooden spoon. Apparently, it was a thief.

  4. Next time, get a cheap bottle of wine, some k-y and just one banana among your items, and then ask her if she can bag those three items separate from your other purchases. :)

  5. This particular brand of "friendliness" is not reserved for Walmart cashiers. I've endured this from Price Chopper folks as well - asking what in the world I'm going to make with THAT ingredient or WOW what does THAT taste like. Terribly annoying to explain my purchase choices to a complete stranger.

    Anyway we can get this letter to management and get them to put "STFU" next to "BOB" on those mirrors they use to make sure you aren't stealing 40 pounds of dog food on the bottom of the cart?

  6. I think the American Tourist Board, should put Walmart on their list of tours for us Brits. We hear so much about it, that I'm sure I'm not the only one who would like to experience the full experience.

    And that cashier would make a great comedy sketch. :)

    1. Yes, it would be on the list of "Worst Tourist Attractions EVER" - though my friend from Switzerland loved the one-stop-shopping

  7. I wonder if it's Walmart policy to train cashiers in the annoying art of making comments on every single thing you purchase. Seriously, just shut up and ring me through so I can get the hell out of there before my eyes bleed from all the fashion travesties

  8. I buy those green Odwalla juices often, and I had a cashier actually comment "Ew that looks gross!" Really? Thanks for the judgement dude!

  9. I like to think the cashier was assessing your character and your purchases for possible inclusion in a novel she's working on. Maybe she's only working at WalMart because her agent suggested it.

  10. Having never been to a Walmart (don't have them in Singapore), I find all this fascinating!

  11. Oh man, and they have Subway in Walmart too. Glad you didn't get lunch in there or you'd be guaranteed a asshat experience in there. You know what I hate too? Those stupid rotating bagging thingies. They spin them around and I almost always forget to take one of my bags. It's too confusing for me.

  12. I'm a regular at Dollar Tree and Walmart. They are both in the shopping center across the street from where I live. It's cool that I can walk there. Dollar Tree sometimes has some pretty good books for a dollar. I'm really building my library.

    Wrote By Rote
    An A to Z Co-host blog

  13. Ah the joy of supermarket shopping!

    My main frustration is not usually the cashier but other customers - particularly, the "talk aloud model parent" (or TAMP for short). This is the parent who broadcasts his conversation to his child, for all to hear, as if to demonstrate what a wonderful parent he is. In my view, good parents (in public places)should be seen and not heard.

  14. I hear such colorful things about Walmart, but we don't have one anywhere near where I live. Fun post.

  15. Ouch man, running commentary on people's purchases? Way to make sure nobody every buys anything there :D

  16. I'd be tempted to go through the line with a cart of the most obscure things you can find? See what kind of conversation that generates from her!
    We get some weirdos, but I don't think it's on the same scale as you guys seem to get. Of course, I only get there every couple of months or so, so I may be missing the worst of it.

  17. That really happens? I always thought it was just a bad joke.

    Or are they only joking about getting on the loudspeaker and asking for a price check on the Magnum Condoms?