Friday, January 25, 2013

Theme Thursday: Mmmm Boobies

OK, first before you get all up in my jammy (whatever a jammy is) about this Theme Thursday post being done on Friday...chill the fuck out.

So the theme for this Theme Thursday is breast feeding.  Yup, that's right, breast feeding and right now you are probably thinking "What the hell does a Dad know about breast feeding?"  A lot actually.

No, no, fucking no.
The Trophy breast fed all three of the Minions so I have experienced the trials and tribulations of breast feeding.  I know how sometimes it takes a while to latch on, I've bought those pads for her and yes I know they get sore.  I have empathy for the Moms out there who breast feed, I feel bad that you leak and you can ruin a shirt.  I know that once a baby detaches there is an odd spray of milk and I'm right there with you on the whole breast feeding in public debate.

Yes, I support your right to breast feed in public, do it for shit's sake, it's natural, but there are a few things that should be done while doing it.  ***Disclaimer*** These are things The Trophy did  ***End Disclaimer***
Gasp!  You support the cause to feed me?
First, guys look.  Even gay guys look, it's a normal reaction when you see a boob, I'm sorry we can't help it.  If you get all pissy with us for looking, cover up.  Put a blanket in the diaper bag and cover up before you whip it out.  Plus it is common courtesy and for the human race's sake don't use this...

Seriously?  You want your kid to have a tit head?
Second, don't get all mad if there isn't a designated area for breast feeding.  I hate to break it to you but not every restaurant, department store or other retailer is going to drop thousands of dollars to build a third bathroom.  That's why I fight for your right to booby!  Just find a nice chair, cover up and feed the kid.

Third, pump before leaving home.  When I took the young Minions out I obviously didn't have the facilities to lactate, not that I would want to have milk leaking from my moobs so the Trophy would pump and off we went.  No, I didn't feed the Minion cold breast milk, if you go to ANY restaurant in the food court and ask for a cup of hot water for warming a bottle, they will give it to you.

Speaking of pumping, can they make those devices look more futuristic and torturous?  Next time you are in Target, look at the milking devices on the market.  Jesus milked up Christ, it's like you were abducted by an alien and that is the device the used to remove Earth's secrets from you.  Do you really need a double barrel pump?  It's weird enough to see one nipple getting squashed and sucked into the cone shaped device but why make a mirror image of it?

Look Ma!  No hands!  What the hell is this?
Also, don't expect your boobs to get much attention during the breast feeding season.  I'm sorry ladies, maybe I'm just speaking for myself and I love playing with boobs but when they squirt me, I'm all set.  I'm not into the whole breast milk fetish thing...sorry.  I've watched had friends who have watched it in a video before and yeah, not digging that.

Dude, that's for me, why are you wasting it?
So there you go, Who Woulda Thought?'s tips for breast feeding.


  1. What woman would WANT a man near her boobs when she's lactating? Ick. I'm fine with people using their boobs for either of their two purposes, but not at the same time.

  2. So no fresh "cream" in your coffee? *squrit, squirt* Hahahahahaaaa!

    And thanks for your support for whipping them out in public!

  3. I'm waiting for the obligatory "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" person to show up.

    But I'll put my +1 on this. Hear hear, dude.

  4. I wandered over here from Lily's blog. Glad I did, too, because I like your brand of humor. Count me in as your newest groupie. Nice to meetcha.

  5. DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! Sorry...couldn't resist.

    I was never brave enough to do it out in public, especially at a restaurant. With the size of these puppies, my mammaries would have needed a whole seating area of their own.

    Great post. :)

    P.S Hello Susan! :D

  6. This post is tits! Yeah...ya know...I like to catch up on my phone calls...go through my list of contacts and catch up while I'm lactating. Multitasking, ya know. ;)

  7. My then-husband quickly learned that my boobs were a no-fly zone after our son was born, unless he wanted an elbow to the esophagus

  8. Careful when instructing people how to breast feed (though all solid advice) as I learned that men can breast feed. It's true:

  9. Here's Salma Hayek wet-nursing an African baby. Her boobs look all-purpose to me.

  10. Since I nursed with a parade of my ex husbands drinking buddies wandering in and out of my house, I got pretty expert at being discreet without having to banish myself to my bedroom. Unless of course I wanted to avoid some of those drinking buddies - then it was a convenient excuse.