Tuesday, January 22, 2013

50 Shades of Shut the F@%k Up: Chapter 7

Oh Wonka, how do you read my mind?  I know I am well behind in the game and many, MANY women have read 50 Shades of Grey...multiple times and I have one simple question...how the fuck can you read this shit?  I have just finished chapter seven and the "room" has been revealed.  Are there that many women out there who want to have this happen?

Always look on the bright side..
The door opens in the Grey Man's illustrious "apartment" and the room of fucked-upness is shown to Steeley.  The author, who at this point in the book, we all know to be messed in the head, describes the room with more detail than Steeley.  The "pleasant" smell of leather, wood and polish...pleasant for who?  A stable hand or a BDSM master?  Either way, run..run away!  She describes a large wooden cross with all sorts of bindings on it.  If I recall correctly, the last time someone was forced onto a cross and bound there, it didn't work out so well until three days later.  Unless she is the second coming of Christ ...walk...the..fuck...away.

The few things she is "startled" by are the paddles, whips, riding crops and "funny-looking" feathery implements.  These startled her?  Not the cross or the iron grid hanging from the ceiling?  Are those things normal in Seattle or Oregon, wherever the fuck she's from, I forget now. She notices carabiners hanging all over the ceiling and wonders what they are for..duh..they probably have something to do with the metal grate bolted to the roof, is she really that naive?  As she is looking around the room she notes that is kind of soft and romantic...soft and romantic?  If you use the word oxblood in the same sentence as romantic, somethings wrong with you.

"Would you like to go to a nice romantic dinner?  I heard about this place called Oxblood's."

Steeley is intrigued by the "feathery thing" and the Grey Man tells her it's a flogger.  A flogger?  Isn't that what pirates did to insubordinate sailors?  Arrrgh my Steeley, I'm going to beat your ass.  Shouldn't this guy be on some sort of sex offender list?  I mean with all the warning signs that have been revealed, he has to be on at least one of them out there, some small town in Idaho or Wyoming.  Reading this I'm waiting for Chris Hansen to pop out and tell the Grey Man to "have a seat right over there".

Out of all the implements of destruction positioned around the room, she is "depressed" to know that he likes to hurt women...depressed?  If I were her I would be scared shitless of this would be rapist.  He tells her that he has rules that she must follow, for her benefit and his pleasure.  Steeley will be rewarded if she follows them satisfactorily and punished if she doesn't.  How many more warnings do you need before you look at him and say, "This is where you and I end." and bolt for the door?

One thing I have noticed while reading this book is that he is constantly telling her to eat.  What is he doing fattening her up for slaughter?  Stick a metal rod up her ass and roast her over a fire?  Probably...this guy is a bag full of cats, you can smell crazy on him.  As if the "subtle" hints didn't set off the red flags, he tells her "I will punish you when you require it and it will be painful."  Hmmm let me think here, kick him in the nuts and run dumbass!  As mentioned before there are the rules:
  • Obedience - She must obey everything he tells her to do.
  • Food - She must eat three squares and NO snacks.
  • Clothes - She will wear what he wants her to wear.
  • Exercise - She must work out four times a week for an hour at a time.
  • Personal Hygiene/Beauty - She will be saved/waxed and visit a beauty salon as he tells her to.
  • Personal Safety - She will not drink excessively, smoke, take recreational drugs.
  • Personal Qualities - She will only fuck him.
Failure to comply with any of the above will result in immediate punishment, the nature of which shall be determined by the Dominant. 
Stay away from me you freak!  I still can't picture her as Steeley.
Steeley took the words out of my mouth, "Holy fuck."  There was a group in the past who had rules like these, they were called Nazis and I'm pretty sure Captain America kicked their asses.  So after looking at these rules, Steeley's first concern was accepting money for clothes, it made her feel like a "ho".  First...THAT'S your primary concern about these rules?  Second, obviously she has never watched Pretty Woman, it worked out for Julia Roberts.  On top of the rule there are "Hard Limits", whatever that means...
  • No acts involving fire play.  (But beating the shit out of a woman is kosher?  Got it.)
  • No acts involving urination or defecation and the products thereof.  (Whew, thank God for that, at least he has limits....sort of.)
  • No acts involving needles, knives, piercing or blood.  (But waxing everything is fine?)
  • No acts involving gynecological medical instruments.  (But whips, chains and floggers are acceptable?)
  • No acts involving children or animals.  (Yes, this would have made him out as sex offender...)
  • No acts that will leave any permanent marks on the skin.  (Um, if hit hard enough, scars can occur..)
  • No acts involving breath control.  (Again drawing the line somewhere....)
  • No activity that involves the direct contact of electric current, whether alternating or direct.  (Really?  You have to specify AC/DC?)
Steeley says that any sane person wouldn't agree to do those things.  What the fajita?  But shoving a broom stick up your butt and that's cool?  The Grey Man asks if there is anything she won't do and...ready for this?...she tells him she is a virgin!  (Cue the dramatic music)  Who saw that coming?  (No pun intended)

Imagination Factor

I gave the imagination factor four cuffs in this chapter, the author's imagination skyrocketed with her idea of romantic fun...yeah whips and chains excite her I guess.

Wishful Thinking Factor

Also four cuffs for the wishful thinking factor.  It's wishful thinking to think that there are billionaire rapists running around with medieval torture devices in a specially built room.

Visualization Factor

Up until this chapter the visualization of most everything was bland, except for the Grey Man so I give this chapter five cuffs.  The room of fucked upness was described to the last bead on the feather flogger...if I was married to this woman, I would be scared to close my eyes at night.

Pornographic Factor

I gave the pornographic factor two cuffs.  There was too much detail and description and not enough banging.  Normally it would have been one cuff but the way the chapter left off it was the making of a bad porn.

High Expectation Factor

I gave the high expectation factor three cuffs.  It's not out of the realm of possibilities to find a closet sex offender/borderline rapist but for one to be Bruce Wayne rich and have a room built just for that, not so much.


  1. Hahahahaha! Can't breathe...laughing too much!!
    God I love your review of this book and cannot wait until you read the next chapter. (that's when the fun really begins)

    Loved the line "you can smell crazy on him".
    An absolutely, bloody hilarious post. :)

  2. Hahaha . . . I haven't read this book. I read the first 10 pages of my mom's book when I was at her house and I couldn't take it anymore. I just think it's a sad fact that most adults don't read fiction at all, but then jumped on the bandwagon and since they have nothing to compare it to, they thought this was good stuff! Your post almost made me want to read it though:-)Very hilarious!! Oh well, I guess the author's sales are keeping lots of people employed . . .

  3. Ugh, don't get me started on how awful this book is, both literary wise and morally. I'm not against the concept of a bit of fun with a flogger(I quite enjoy it actually), but he's so unsafe about it! It's obviously written by someone who's never actually DONE any of these things and has no idea what it's supposed to be like!

  4. HAHAHAHA Hilarious review to read over the morning coffee, and didn't choke to death on my coffee! When hubby was undecided on what color to paint a spare bedroom for shits n giggles I said why not red? :) The finished color is a nice beige.

  5. HaHaHa!! This is great! The only way I'd read this book is if it included the Who Woulda Thought Companion Book. Your take on it is priceless!

  6. Now I'm really on the fence if I want to read this series or not! You may need to translate it for me......

  7. It seems like he's more of a sadistic life coach than a sex-buddy. "Work out, shave, eat in moderation without snacks, no fire play," this all sounds like the list I was given when I joined Jenny Craig.
    As long as you're reading the book, did you know there's a 50 Shades workout routine now? I'm not kidding. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/10/kristen-james-creates-50-shapes-of-grey_n_2448795.html