Thursday, January 17, 2013

CSI: Bathroom

Ah, never a dull moment in the Domicile with the three Minions.

The other night the Minions had all showered and the family was sitting on the couch watching Honey Boo Boo The Avengers when all of a sudden The Trophy's nose started twitching.  The Trophy has an uncanny superpower to be able to smell things far away and even before they happen.  She can smell that the litter box needs to be cleaned a day before it really smells, can smell a fart five minutes before it happens and can smell a curdled cup of milk three rooms away.  She is the Sniffer.

I looked over and saw her nose twitching in disgust and the first thing out of my mouth was, "It wasn't me!".

"I know it wasn't you, the cat is still in the room."

Sniff, sniff, "Did you shower #1?"

"Yeah of course I did."






More silence.

"NUMBER 2!!!!!!" (sounding like Dave yelling for Alvin in the Chipmunks.)


"Did you shower tonight?"

"I think so, my hair is wet."

"OK...something smells really bad in here."

The Trophy is never happy until a mystery is solved, so she gets up and heads to the bathroom to check the towels and make sure there is water and soap bubbles left in the tub.  She turns into some sort of CSI agent and after ten minutes or so, she comes back into the living room holding an empty body wash bottle.

"I put a new bottle of body wash in the shower for you guys."

"Oh, yeah I forgot, we're out of body wash.", #1 proceeds to tell her.

"Yes, I know...I just put a new bottle in the shower."

"No, I forgot to tell you on Sunday."

"Sunday?  Today is Wednesday..."

"It is?"

" long have you been without body wash?"

"Ummmm...", says #1.

"Ummmm..", says #2.

"Ummmm..", says #3.

"You mean to tell me you've been without body wash for more than three days?"

"Maybe.", said in unison.

"What have you been using for soap to wash?"


"You mean to tell me that you've been taking showers for a minimum of ten minutes and just washing your hair?  What are you doing just roaming around the tub?"

"No, we are cleaning oursel..."

"With what?  Did you use my body wash or Dad's body wash?"


"So, instead of looking up and grabbing one of the other two body washes, you just didn't wash?"

"We washed our hair and let the soap run down."


"OK...", as they jump up running to the bathroom, leaving a trail of Children's Place pajamas in the wake.

She turns to me, "This is your fault you know."

"Yeah, I had a feeling it was but let me remind you that all I did was plant the seed, you were the one who grew them for nine months."

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing, I'm going to make sure they are cleaning properly."


  1. I have got to stop reading your blog at work! With all the snorting noises I make while reading it people are gonna start to think I have mental issues... or a severe breathing problems.

  2. At the beginning of this post, I was all excited to ask you what age children can transition from a supervised bath to an unsupervised shower. By the end, I realized that you probably didn't know, as they clearly aren't quite there yet. Damn.

  3. Asshat #2 used to have the most rancid smelling hair. He would be in the tub for hours and just play with his Hot Wheels. Never shampoo or soap himself - just Hot Wheels. Now that he's 17, I don't ask what he does in there.

  4. I have to a do a sniff test every night. My boys try to just get their hair wet and appear as if they washed. And they don't even bother to wash their hair!

  5. A reminder of the days I don't miss. :) This is just a phase I think boys go through. Wait until they get to that age of developing crushes, you'll be searching for hot water for years after that. :) Make a little note, make sure the adults get their showers first and that the dishes are done or you'll end up having to set appointments.

  6. I swear to god that the Spawn is growing potatoes in his crotch, from all the dirt down there.
    The other night he said he had spots on his back. The next night, I asked him if he wanted me to put some cream on it. "No", he said. "they came off, it was just dirt."

    Think from now on, I'll just take him out back and hose him down.

  7. I fail to see the flaw in their logic. Shampoo goes on head, trickles down to feet, cleaning on the way down. That's how the science of cleaning works, right? Now if you ran out of toilet paper and they didn't tell you for three days, then there would be a serious reason for concern.

  8. 'She turns to me, "This is your fault you know."'

    I laughed out loud at this. As a married guy, I can concur that pretty much any problem that's ever existed in our house has ended with my wife uttering these words. And somehow, she's just that good that each time I'm convinced it's true.

    Also, if I run out of body wash, my wife makes me use hers. So I never run out of body wash, unless I want to smell like Princess Barbie.

  9. It's always the man's fault. I have learned to live with it. But seriously, your wife's nose can detect the lack of body wash even after they just took a shower? Amazing!

    1. By the way, I'm sizing you up for an important role in my Game of Thrones series.