I knew this day would come at some point. Eight years ago the Trophy and I agreed that if Minion #1 came out a boy I would take care of the "conversations" and if it was a girl, she would take care of them. We revisited the same agreement five years ago when Minion #2 arrived and again two years ago when #3 popped out. The Trophy is sitting on her high horse because she doesn't have to have the "conversations" with the Minions, I do. I got screwed, all I asked for was a boy to carry on my name and the Maker has a sick sense of humor it seems.
"You need to go in the bathroom and tell YOUR kids how to clean their armpits."
I looked at her and blinked, that was not exactly what I was expecting, "Uh, OK."
So I saved all of my files and head into the bathroom, first I am hit with the stench of a freshly dropped deuce from #1 and he didn't spray in there. Both of them were in the shower when I walked in, normally we don't allow the older ones to bath together anymore, but it was late and they needed to get to bed.
"What the crap? You didn't spray dude!"
"Sorry Dad, but you don't either."
"Do as I say, not as a I do, anyway your Mom sent me in here to teach you how to clean your armpits."
They are now staring up at me soaking wet standing in the shower with some soap dripping down their arms, each holding their own floofy. As I look at them I think to myself, now would be a good time to teach them the other parts of your body that, as a guy, get really smelly. I might as well start them off right and nip the issue in the bud before they become teenagers and are REALLY smelly.
"OK, listen, both of you, as a guy there are a few different places on your body that can get really smelly during the day, do you guys have any idea what those parts are?"
"Your armpits!", Minion #2 exclaims.
"Very good Captain Obvious, any others?"
"Your feet?", #1 asks.
"Yeah, that's another, but in all honesty...." As I am saying this I flash back to the teachings of George Carlin. He told me via a CD, that the four areas you need to really wash are your armpits, asshole, crotch and teeth. He also said you can use the same brush for all four, but I don't think I will relay that little tidbit to the Minions.
Of course they giggled like little school girls when I said butthole, but I just couldn't bring myself to say anus and if I called it asshole, well there would be hell to pay. So we started with the armpits. I explained to them that they need to really get into their armpits with the floofy and soap and get it really, really soapy and clean. I also explained why it is extremely important to start washing from the top down.
"Why do you need to do that?"
"Well, your armpits are less gross than your crotch and your crotch is, hopefully, less gross than your butthole. If you started with your butt, your floofy could have skid marks on it and well, you don't want to wash the rest of your body with skid marks on your floofy, it would defeat the purpose."
"Yeah, you don't want poop smeared all over your face.", #2 chimes in.
"Yes, exactly, no poop on your face or anywhere else on your body for that matter."
I then, continued the lesson telling them that after the armpits you can wash your body down to your penis. Yes I called it a penis, I don't like calling it silly names unless Minion #3 comes running over after using the potty and I tell him to put some underwear on because his winky is flapping around while running. When they get older I'm sure they will learn the other words for their dicks.
"OK, now you're at your crotch. This is the second most important place the really clean, actually when you get older it will be the first most important place."
Realizing I just opened a new can of worms, "Uh, don't worry about it. I'll tell you later...now wash your crotch." Ten years ago, I never once would have thought that I would ever utter those words, "Wash your crotch."
I explained to them how to wash their crotch area and thankfully they knew what to do about, um, getting around the exterior parts of the crotch, you know to get into those hard to reach places. They passed the crotch washing exam with flying colors.
"OK, you can wash your legs and feet now."
"But you said that we shouldn't wash anything else."
"I never said that, I said don't wash your butt before washing anything else. Washing your legs after washing your crotch is acceptable....just...wash your legs and feet."
At this point I'm getting a little exasperated, knowing full well the Trophy is laying on our bed laughing her ass off because I am trying to teach them the life lessons of preteen hygiene. My Dad never taught me, I figured it out on my own one day after I came home from school and was wondering why no one was sitting near me in five seat radius on the school bus.
"Take your floofy and get in your crack a few times and then, I can't believe I'm going to say this to you guys but gently, um, er, rub? the floofy against where you poop BUT! DO NOT enter!"
"What?" said in unison.
"Um, just wash really good in your butt crack, OK?
I walked out of the bathroom and the Trophy was in the kitchen looking at me, smiling.
"What the hell took you so long to explain washing armpits?"
"I explained the rest of washing to them, you know armpits, asshole, crotch and teeth?"
"Oh, awesome, now I will have to listen to them all day long tomorrow, telling Gav Man and Syd Vicious about washing those areas...thanks dumbass."
And then I walked away with a smile on my face, justice has been served.
This is my weekly submission for Dude Write, head on over there, read all of the awesome blog posts and then vote for your favorite three...hopefully mine will be in your favorite three, I have two Dudettes from last week who I need to strut my stuff for. Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom took first place last week in our X Factor and Lily from the Incoherent Ramblings of a Moose took third place and of course I sponsored them. Then Blondie from Blondie McBaffled took second place and she is one of the funniest, crudest ladies blogging out there.
So what I am saying is three of my favorite bloggers, two I sponsored and one I almost sponsored (damn Dan beat me to the courting) too the top three positions, so now I need to make sure I keep my Dude pride in tact, grab my balls from the jar that the Trophy keeps on the mantle and make a run at the Man Cards again this week.