Friday, August 24, 2012

The Conversation


I knew this day would come at some point.  Eight years ago the Trophy and I agreed that if Minion #1 came out a boy I would take care of the "conversations" and if it was a girl, she would take care of them.  We revisited the same agreement five years ago when Minion #2 arrived and again two years ago when #3 popped out.  The Trophy is sitting on her high horse because she doesn't have to have the "conversations" with the Minions, I do.  I got screwed, all I asked for was a boy to carry on my name and the Maker has a sick sense of humor it seems.

Minions #1 and #2 and myself went out for a couple of hours to hang Cub Scout fliers throughout the town in hopes to get new Scouts into our Pack.  We got back to the domicile around 8:30 last night and the Minions needed to shower before bed and I still had a ton of stuff to do for Scouts so I went into my office, which is also known as my bedroom, I used to have an office and then #3 came along.  As I was sitting at the computer designing fliers and working on the Pack calendar, the Trophy came up to me, leaned in very close and looked deep into my eyes...

"You need to go in the bathroom and tell YOUR kids how to clean their armpits."

I looked at her and blinked, that was not exactly what I was expecting, "Uh, OK."

So I saved all of my files and head into the bathroom, first I am hit with the stench of a freshly dropped deuce from #1 and he didn't spray in there.  Both of them were in the shower when I walked in, normally we don't allow the older ones to bath together anymore, but it was late and they needed to get to bed.

"What the crap?  You didn't spray dude!"

"Sorry Dad, but you don't either."

"Do as I say, not as a I do, anyway your Mom sent me in here to teach you how to clean your armpits."

They are now staring up at me soaking wet standing in the shower with some soap dripping down their arms, each holding their own floofy.  As I look at them I think to myself, now would be a good time to teach them the other parts of your body that, as a guy, get really smelly.  I might as well start them off right and nip the issue in the bud before they become teenagers and are REALLY smelly.

"OK, listen, both of you, as a guy there are a few different places on your body that can get really smelly during the day, do you guys have any idea what those parts are?"

"Your armpits!", Minion #2 exclaims.

"Very good Captain Obvious, any others?"

"Your feet?", #1 asks.

"Yeah, that's another, but in all honesty...."  As I am saying this I flash back to the teachings of George Carlin.  He told me via a CD, that the four areas you need to really wash are your armpits, asshole, crotch and teeth.  He also said you can use the same brush for all four, but I don't think I will relay that little tidbit to the Minions.

"You need to make sure you really was your armpits, butthole, crotch and feet."  I skipped teeth because they are trained to brush their teeth already and usually do it twice a day like normal and #1 mentioned feet, so I can make him feel like he contributed or something, that's what Dads are suppose to do right?

Of course they giggled like little school girls when I said butthole, but I just couldn't bring myself to say anus and if I called it asshole, well there would be hell to pay.  So we started with the armpits.  I explained to them that they need to really get into their armpits with the floofy and soap and get it really, really soapy and clean.  I also explained why it is extremely important to start washing from the top down.

"Why do you need to do that?"

"Well, your armpits are less gross than your crotch and your crotch is, hopefully, less gross than your butthole.  If you started with your butt, your floofy could have skid marks on it and well, you don't want to wash the rest of your body with skid marks on your floofy, it would defeat the purpose."

"Yeah, you don't want poop smeared all over your face.", #2 chimes in.

"Yes, exactly, no poop on your face or anywhere else on your body for that matter."

I then, continued the lesson telling them that after the armpits you can wash your body down to your penis.  Yes I called it a penis, I don't like calling it silly names unless Minion #3 comes running over after using the potty and I tell him to put some underwear on because his winky is flapping around while running.  When they get older I'm sure they will learn the other words for their dicks.

"OK, now you're at your crotch.  This is the second most important place the really clean, actually when you get older it will be the first most important place."

"Why?"

Realizing I just opened a new can of worms, "Uh, don't worry about it.  I'll tell you later...now wash your crotch."  Ten years ago, I never once would have thought that I would ever utter those words, "Wash your crotch."

I explained to them how to wash their crotch area and thankfully they knew what to do about, um, getting around the exterior parts of the crotch, you know to get into those hard to reach places.  They passed the crotch washing exam with flying colors.

"OK, you can wash your legs and feet now."

"But you said that we shouldn't wash anything else."

"I never said that, I said don't wash your butt before washing anything else.  Washing your legs after washing your crotch is acceptable....just...wash your legs and feet."

At this point I'm getting a little exasperated, knowing full well the Trophy is laying on our bed laughing her ass off because I am trying to teach them the life lessons of preteen hygiene.  My Dad never taught me, I figured it out on my own one day after I came home from school and was wondering why no one was sitting near me in five seat radius on the school bus.

Probably looking like Obi-Wan Kenobi when Alderaan blew up in Episode IV, I told them to carry on their washing.  "Now wash your butt and butthole."  I knew I needed to clarify it because, knowing #2, he would physically dig in and try to do some deep cleaning.


"Take your floofy and get in your crack a few times and then, I can't believe I'm going to say this to you guys but gently, um, er, rub? the floofy against where you poop BUT!  DO NOT enter!"

"What?" said in unison.

"Um, just wash really good in your butt crack, OK?

"Oh, OK."

I walked out of the bathroom and the Trophy was in the kitchen looking at me, smiling.

"What the hell took you so long to explain washing armpits?"

"I explained the rest of washing to them, you know armpits, asshole, crotch and teeth?"

"Oh, awesome, now I will have to listen to them all day long tomorrow, telling Gav Man and Syd Vicious about washing those areas...thanks dumbass."

And then I walked away with a smile on my face, justice has been served.

Dude Write

This is my weekly submission for Dude Write, head on over there, read all of the awesome blog posts and then vote for your favorite three...hopefully mine will be in your favorite three, I have two Dudettes from last week who I need to strut my stuff for.  Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom took first place last week in our X Factor and Lily from the Incoherent Ramblings of a Moose took third place and of course I sponsored them.  Then Blondie from Blondie McBaffled took second place and she is one of the funniest, crudest ladies blogging out there.

So what I am saying is three of my favorite bloggers, two I sponsored and one I almost sponsored (damn Dan beat me to the courting) too the top three positions, so now I need to make sure I keep my Dude pride in tact, grab my balls from the jar that the Trophy keeps on the mantle and make a run at the Man Cards again this week.

30 comments:

  1. Hilarious! As the mother of 3 now adult young men; I can't remember what age, but boys go through a teen "thing" where you practically have to threaten them with "you are sleeping in the yard until you bathe" and with Mr Bubble and the outside hose baths- and then something wonderful happens- their first crush- and a water bill as high as the national debt. :) Great posting!

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    1. Awesome....my water bill is high enough....

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  2. Don't you worry about keeping the Man Pride in tact. You invoked Carlin for one thing. He as the Master, the God and you get points for that. Plus - and this is important: you r post was so visually descriptive...I'm not sure that's a good thing in this instance...but I could almostvSEE the skid marks on the floofy. (why does auto correct insist on making that "floozy"? Skid marks on the floozy...that's a post for another day. Thank you for making the world a cleaner, less smelly place Kevin? Bravo!

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    1. Wow...iPhone I assume? Skis marks on the floozy, you're right that is definitely another blog post, I despise it when I have skid marks on my floozies.

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  3. Haha! DO NOT enter. I use to say that to my ex every night...he didn't listen...

    I had to have a similar talk with Spawn after fungi was practically growing from under his pits and potatoes from around his nether regions. But this was just too funny! And you still get to have the talk at least one more time. Lucky you. :D

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    1. TMI Lily, TMI. Yes, THE talk will be coming soon enough.

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  4. Oh so many great lessons for the male minions. I think closing the bathroom door is one they missed, and I know they missed flushing 101. Thankfully girls have entered the scene and a lot of behaviors become self-correcting.

    WG

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    1. My Minions have no issue closing the bathroom door...and locking it. So when we had to go in a wipe, we had to scramble looking for the little lock picking pin or have them smear the seat and unlock it.

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  5. Well, thanks for giving me a sneak peek into what's in store for me when I get Minions of my own. Funny stuff!

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  6. We had to have this same talk with our son last year. I also had to have the "other" talk. You know the one. He's starting 6th grade this year. Ironically enough, just yesterday we had to enforce mandatory deodorant usage for our 7yr old daughter. Boys aren't the only ones who can get smelly... just sayin'.


    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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    1. Oh I can imagine that girls can be just as stinky. It just kills me when people tell me I'm so lucky to have boys because girls are harder..

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  7. My dad had a similar conversation with me when I was 12.

    "Don't forget to wash your balls son... you never know when you're going to have a girl's face down there. You'll thank me later."

    And I did.

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    1. Nice! At least your dad had a conversation with you.

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  8. Such a funny glimpse into the civilization of boys :)

    But all the while I read, I just kept thinking that I really, really hope you have separate floofies for each person in your house...

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    1. The words civilization and boys should never be used in the same sentence....

      Yes, we each have our own color coded floofies for each of us.

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  9. How did we survive as a species before the floofy?

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  10. Luckily I am past those conversations now, but remember them like they were yesterday. My boy is an adult now and has been cleaning himself properly for almost a decade.

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    1. They've been fine cleaning themselves, it's just that the are getting to "that" age I guess.

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  11. Wow. This was so illuminating! As a person of female persuasion, with no young minions to teach such lessons to, I never would have thought. I think girls are just a little more naturally concerned about hygiene. I don't remember any comparable talk taking place.

    I do remember various lessons in shaving, however. Boarding School can be great for that.

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    1. It's amazing the things you find yourself saying or teaching boys...especially mine...

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  12. Great post Dude...really made me chuckle...
    And, for the record, you handled the situation rather well I thought... and when it comes time for you to have those 'other' discussions... I'm sure you're gonna do just fine xD

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    1. Thanks! Yeah, I've been kind of going through what I'm going to say already...

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  13. I hate bathing the kids. My daughter is old enough to do it herself but my son...not so much. At what age is it safe to let him venture into cleaning himself and successfully coming out clean? The little dude does need to learn to be more independent, perhaps it's time!

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    1. We started to let our Minions bath themselves at 4, with supervision. For the most part everything was find until just recently.

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  14. Even though I've been bathing myself for most of 4 decades, I found myself unconsciously going over the list of steps, in order importance in my mind as I read this. (as well as every time I've showered since reading this as well.) I can happily report, my butt hole has always been last on the list.

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    1. Always make sure your butt hole is last! Words to live by.

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  15. Woah. My boys don't even have floofys. Now I know that they will never get girlfriends and instead will continue to live with me until I die.
    Do you think they sell them here in Canada? It's raining today so we need a rainy day vacation project.

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    1. Floofies are an essential part of cleanliness!

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