Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Your Family Is Anorexic

***Updated for Dude Write 7!  It's an oldie but a goodie!***

Dude Write

There were a couple of things floating around in the abyss that is known as my mind that I could have shared with you.

I could have written about the little shit at NeverSeconds and the fact that she went viral with THREE posts and all within a week..because she posts about her school lunches, was interviewed by the news and is now famous.  Suck it up and bring your own lunch...

I could have written about #1 and his first girl sleepover last weekend and how my wife and I were mortified when he opened up the freezer to find 370 sausage patties for Cub Scouts and announced it was a sausage fest in there....

Nope, there has been something that has bugged me for the longest time and now is the perfect time to tell you about it.  Stick figures.  Yes, stick figures.  You know the stick figures I am talking about.  You see them everyday on the road, on the back of minivans and super sized soccer mom SUVs.  The Freaky Family Stick Figure Decals.

Does he pay all the support?
I despise these things, they are obnoxious.  No one really cares that you have 19 kids, 4 cats, 3 dogs and 1 wombat in your family.  No one cares that the Dad is depicted as golfing in his free time, the Mom is shown with a bowl and spoon in her hands inevitably baking fresh chocolate chip cookies, little sis has pom-poms and is cheering for big brother, who is wearing his football gear.  The dogs are waiting to play fetch and the cats are playing with a ball of yarn, no one cares.  Even the fucking wombat is doing something amazing like playing golf with Dad.  All lies.

The real stickers should have Dad sitting on the toilet, hiding from the kids, Mom should have her hair a mess with a dirty diaper in one hand and a baby in the other.  The sister should be on the cell phone, while the brother is playing video games.  The dogs should be begging for their food or shitting on the floor and the cats shouldn't even be there because anyone who has cats knows they are never around for people to see.  The wombat should be hanging himself because it is a family straight off of Jerry Springer's stage.

Now with that being said the Trophy wanted a set on her vehicle and has asked several times and each time I thought I was successful with my selective hearing.  Wrong...  Of course being the best husband in the world I did what any good husband would do, I caved in and said yes.  I went online and ordered a set that has a Dad, Mom, three boys, a dog and two cats.  They arrived and I applied them to the vehicle, all with a smile.

There are some different FFSFD (Freaky Family Stick Figure Decals) out there.  The most common would be the family who just went to the "Happiest Place On Earth" and they are all wearing mouse ears, even the wombat.  It's a lie, the wombat didn't go to Disney, he shouldn't be allowed to wear mouse ears.  All this is doing is pissing off the people who can't go to Disney, you insensitive snot.  Actually, I don't care that you went to Disney, it would cost me a year's salary to take my family...

Yay, good for you you took everyone to Disney.

Then you have the classic FFSFD.  The Dad is wearing a tie and carrying a briefcase, the Mom is wearing a nice dress staying home with the kids, the boy is wearing his baseball hat sideways, because he is cool and the girl is wearing pigtails like all little girls should.  The dog is smiling at the cat and vice versa.  They are all smiling...again, this is a lie.  I have never once smiled going to work in the morning, my wife isn't smiling when the Minions are torturing each other and the dog sure as shit isn't smiling when the cat is eating her food.

All lies!

Now you have the FFSFDs for the people who don't have a human family.  This person has her own family, just slightly furrier than yours and they shit in a box.  This set of decals screams "Help me!" or "Call the MSPCA and rescue these poor cats!".

Wow, they look just like you....

So what happens if someone dies in your stick family?  Eventually a pet or person dies, they don't live forever.  Do you just scrape them off your back window?  Do you put a halo or horns above that particular decal?

Rest in Peace Danny...
On the flip side, what if you put your FFSFD on the back window and you have a kid after the fact, do you put the kid stick figure behind the cat?  How is that going to make him/her feel when he gets older?  They are second rate to your furry companions?

Oh, I forgot to show you my FFSFD, yes I caved in and got them, but I did it my way.....

That's right bitches, I'm Han Solo and the Trophy is Princess Leia...


  1. If I had purchase the stick figures I would have had to scrape off two cats and two dogs since I purchased our vehicles. I would need one with a shaggy-haired, bearded Dad, a Mom in combat boots and three little girls that think they are princesses but don't want to allow me to brush their hair. You are right. . . these things aren't reality. It is just another attempt at self-delusion that you have a perfect, happy family.

    1. That nothing, I would had to scrape off 18 cats and a dog, and since our latest cat has been missing for almost 3 weeks, it's actually 19 cats down.

  2. hahaha! Those are the best car stickers EVER!
    If I had a car, mine would probably depict a woman rocking back and forth, in a state of mental despair. And one child (with devil horns) holding up a sub-atomic particle ray gun.

  3. Nice story I see them too around town, shouting "look at me the cookie cutter family" and wondering what trailer park they are from. :) Thanks for the laugh.

  4. Oh and forgot to tell you, Tag You are it in the 11 question Tag Game

  5. Oh I hate those things as much as I hate the minivans they are usually stuck on. But, I do like yours. Yeah, yours rocks!

  6. I have only bad memories of things done to my "likeness" during my separation.

    I hate these little "Klingons"

  7. It's a good thing you didn't use Luke as your avatar... that would have been weird and also illegal in 37 galaxies, although ironically accepted on Bespin.

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

  8. I feel you on the stick figure hatred. In fact, I have to HAVE TO share this with you. I know you'll enjoy it as much as I did...

  9. I would depict myself as Darth Vader, I know the dark side of the force. Those are the best damn stick figures ever!

  10. Hahahaha! This is great and completely true!

  11. Those things always freaked me out a bit also. Well played.

  12. I thought the cat lady one was pretty hilarious, but if I were to ever get these, I'd get the most ridiculous ones imaginable. I'd get a T-rex playing poker, a break dancing sea cucumber, and, like, a torn used condom or something. They would stand for absolutely nothing.