Tuesday, August 28, 2012

There Are Some Who Call Me...A Genius

Don't be hating...
The Trophy has an iPhone while I still sit in the dark ages with my Blackberry Storm 2, which has really hit geriatric age and is falling apart.  My phone is issued through work and can only be replaced when "my time is due".  As I was saying the Trophy has an iPhone.  This is her second iPhone since we made the upgrade from her Blackberry.  I am a fan of Apple products and always have been since my very first Apple IIc that I got for Christmas way back in the day.

The first time her phone had to be replaced was because the button wasn't working, you know that belly button thing all Apple products have, that was stuck or something.  She happened to be in New York visiting her sister at the time so there are iStores or Apple Stores or iDon'tCare stores all over down there.  Up here in North Central Massachusetts there are exactly...none.  In fact in the entire Commonwealth of Massachusetts there are eight and four of them are in Boston or the Metro Area.  It makes is so convenient to get your iPhone fixed.

This time around her camera wasn't working, the shutter wouldn't open and take pictures.  Obviously this isn't a life or death thing and the phone could still be used, well, as a phone, so we put it off.  Luck happened that we were going to a birthday party in the eastern part of the state so I made the suggestion that we leave early and go to the Apple Store in the Burlington Mall, makes sense, we were headed out that way anyway.

We loaded the Minions into the Minion mobile and headed east.  We get to the mall and find our parking spot, which is easily accessible via a commuter train, did I mention I'm not a big fan of malls?  Upon entering the mall we go on the hunt for the elusive mall map.  They are usually at every entrance, displayed on the tri-sided structure.  It's normally on the back side of the triangle, sandwiched between the Wiggles concert at the Garden and the Text EAT SHIT to 1234 to support whatever the charity dujour is.  There is no map in this mall....

We ended up walking a little bit and Minion #1 asked which store we were looking for.

"We're looking for the Apple Store."

"Oh, does it have a big white apple on the wall?"

"Yeah probably, like the one on your iPod."

"It's right there (dumbasses) Mom and Dad."

See?  It's easy to miss....
We turn around and see the Apple Store directly next to us.  Yup, we are dumbasses.  Now I have never been in an Apple Store before so this was an experience for me.  As we walked in, I took a quick calculation on the amount of technological products present.  There were about eight tables with iPhones, iPads, laptops and desktops.  Each device had it's own iPad set up to explain the benefits, even the iPads had iPads!  Jesus Steve Jobs Christ!  Now you're just flaunting your technology Apple.  There was even a kids station set up with four iPads for the kids to play with...holy shit!  I told the Minions to have at it and it was a test of the durability.

So, my penis is this big....
We were greeted by a hipster in a blue t-shirt with the Apple logo on it, a pair of cargo shorts and flip flops holding an iPad.  Damn, I want that job...you can roll out of bed, throw your blue shirt on and go to work.  Then I remembered they are referred to as Apple Geniuses.  Never mind, the words Kevin and genius have never been uttered in the same sentence.  He asked what we were here for and because it was the Trophy's phone, I pointed to her.  She explained the situation and he directed us to another blue Apple shirt wearing geek.

He asked if we had an appointment.  Really?  You need an appointment to get your phone looked at?  Well, go figure, we didn't have an appointment so we made one...for an hour later.  Of course this was after two Geniuses tried to get the camera to work.  Well we had to kill an hour so we took the kids to the food court.  After about an hour we headed back to Appleland.  The first hipster recognized us (probably because of the Minions terrorizing the "kid friendly" iPads) and he directed us to the Genius Bar.  The Genius Bar?  They better serve some nerdy alcoholic beverages.

 While the Trophy was having her phone looked at again, my phone alerted me I had an email.  So I reached into my pocket and then thought better of taking my Blackberry out in an Apple Store, it might rip a hole in the space/time continuum or something.  Well, after another half an hour of wiping her iPhone clean and starting over, they came to the conclusion she would have to get a new iPhone...but they couldn't do that today because...ready for this?, their system was down.  I looked at the Genius and said thought, "Huh?  Your system is down?  Are you running the same iOS as the hundreds of iPhone users littered throughout your store?  If you are, then shouldn't their system be down too?  Isn't there an app for that?"

Well we were late for the birthday party already so we declined to wait for the system to go functional again and thanked them for their time.  While sitting around watching TV that night I grabbed the Trophy's iPhone and clicked on the camera, nothing happened, I switched it to video and the shutter opened, so I switched back to camera mode and it worked just fine on both cameras, front and rear.  I played around with it a little and it still was working so now I need to ask...

Where do I buy one of those blue shirts with the Apple logo? And from now on please refer to me as Kevin, Apple Genius.

Sir, I'm trying to fix your iPhone but Siri was being a naughty girl.


  1. HA! I aways feel like a huge dope in that store. They ask me questions I can almost never answer and when I took my 3G in and asked the Blue Shirted One why my phone was crashing he looked at it like it was an Egyptian relic and said "Woah! Dude! You still have one of these? No wonder it's crashing. It has to work SO hard to run the new software. It's just chugging away till it dies. You'd be better off getting a new one."

    My theory is, that when the Geniuses go through Genius Boot Camp, The Book According To Steve probably requires them to end every sentence with "You need a new one." It's been two years? You need a new one. We just had to buy a new charger for the MacBook and it's only 8 months old. The guy says "we don't sell the extension adapters with them." So we get it home and there's an extension adapter in the box. Some Geniuses, huh?

    Jesus Steve Jobs Christ. CLASSIC!

    1. Reading your comment all I can picture is Keanu Reeves in a blue shirt. I am pretty sure they use the term "genius" fairly loosely....

  2. Hilarious posting! Ever had to use Geek Squad? Trust me they have the right title, or maybe I am a hater because I sometimes have to call for their assistance. That was funny they told you the system was down and everything in the store was working fine. :) Glad you were able to fix the camera problem on the phone- You Go! You need to add that bit to your resume' :)

    1. I've never had the pleasure of using Geek Squad...thankfully I have my own personal geek for that.

  3. My brother has one of those smart phones that can wake you up in the morning, cook breakfast and take the kids to school. Yet every time he tries to make a call, it cuts out! Great post. :D

    1. Can his smart phone give him head? If so what kind is it?

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