Saturday, April 6, 2013

A To Z Challenge: 50 Shades of Shut the F@%k Up: Chapter 8

Today is the letter F in the A to Z Challenge and what better thing to do than my review of 50 Shades, chapter 8.  I know some of you have just started following my blog thanks to the A to Z Challenge so let me catch you up.

A while ago I was tasked with reading 50 Shades of Grey by some readers to get a male and Dad's perspective on the porn.  Well I am not an avid reader so I said I would tackle it chapter by chapter and give my review of each after I have read them.  At the end of each post I grade them using the handcuff system (which you'll see at the end of this post).  But, before I give you my review of chapter 8, head over HERE to catch up on my reviews of chapters 1-7, most people have said they would rather read my synopsis instead of the book pornographic novel.

I heard some disturbing news before I read this chapter thanks to Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom that Emma Watson completely denied being in the possible movie.  All this time I was thinking that Hermione Granger would be playing Steeley in the big screen *ahem* production but upon looking at her Twitter account...well here, look for yourself...

Oh well, life goes on...but I hear the chick who played Luna Lovegood might be available.

Anyway, chapter 8.  SEX!  It took eight fucking chapters for any sex to happen other than the implied girl on girl action between Steeley and Double K and the occasional possibility of Steeley taking care of business hands on in the shower.  Eight chapters!  When you watch a porn it only takes about five minutes to show some action, get with the program.  

So when we late left Steeley and the Grey Man, he had just found out that Steeley was the virgin Mary and had never been touched (I can't use the term deflowered slut tunnel in this post..oh wait, I just did).  He is distraught, upset, freaked out and pissed off about this because it could possibly ruin his torture routine with Steeley.  Really?  That's what he is worried about, what about the fact that you just divulged an medieval chamber that has more fucked up devices than, well, an an actual dungeon from medieval times and she has all sorts of incriminating evidence against you, you sick disturbed sex offender?

In this chapter there are a few words that are used like somnambulant that no one has ever used in their lives, let alone know what it means...I mean I am typing this in Google Chrome and it put the squiggly red line under it, even the internet doesn't have a clue what it means.  Stick to the modern English language please.  So Steeley explains why she is still pure as the driven snow and wonders to herself "and you turn out to be some sort of monster."  No shit Sherlock, I've read about actual monsters who are less freakish than this guy, even the Hulk has a caring side to him.

After a little banter about her virginity, he decided to "rectify the situation".  What the fajita?  He stole one of my catch phrases!  I think there are spies looking at my blog and taking material out of it, but I digress.  Steeley tells us that he gives her a wicked grin that the effects travel all the way down there...down where?  China?  Australia?  Your toes?  Just say it for shit's sake, your pussy.  Stop trying to hide the fact that you've written a porn script that hasn't been produced yet.

OK, I know women need visualization but describing every detail about the Grey Man's bedroom is over the top, I mean the author could have said that he brought her to the back alley, behind a dumpster and you guys would be all moist in the nether regions with this book.  Then there is Steeley's fascination with his feet, it's only one sentence but I have an inkling that we will be hearing more about the Grey Man's feet later.

For about four pages there is what the author passes off as foreplay, I'm not going to get into details but one part strikes me as odd.  Through the last seven chapters the author insinuates that Steeley is taking care of business but then the Grey Man straight up asks her to "How do you make yourself come?  I want to see."  She says she doesn't...I call bullshit on this one Steeley.

So there is another two to three pages of "foreplay" and then the do the deed.  Steeley is deflowered, blood everywhere and in pain...I'm not exaggerating there, the author goes into detail about it...gross.  AND of course, the author adds in every woman's fantasy, a guy going more than once in the span of an hour.  Holy high expectations Batman!  I wonder how many relationships have been ruined because the women want the man to gear up for round two in ten minutes?  One phrase cracked me up during the sex scenes, "You're so tight, are you OK?"  Seriously?  Dude, you're the first penis, let alone item that has been in there and you wonder why she's tight?  What women have you been sleeping with?  "Oh look there's my BMW."

So after the long, drawn out description of Steeley's first time, she wakes up and wanders out to the living room where the Grey Man is playing the piano in nothing but sleep pants.  Holy crap!  Even the Grey Man wears sleep pants, does he wear them out in public too?  So after reading chapter eight we finally have proof that the Grey Man is psychotic and bipolar...just saying.

Imagination Factor

I gave two cuffs for this chapter on the imagination, she really didn't leave much to the imagination what with the blood everywhere and description of his room, give me something to imagine please.

Wishful Thinking Factor

I gave four cuffs for wishful thinking, I wanted to give five but I know there are guys out there who make average guys look bad by being freaks of nature in the sack.

Visualization Factor

Five cuffs for this one, the author didn't hold anything back especially about the deflowering, does anyone think that is sexy?

Pornographic Factor

The aspect got three cuffs, bordering on four.  There was sex but not exactly porn style sex.  I have been told that the following chapters will be more pornographic.

High Expectation Factor

Five cuffs...and we all know damn freaks of nature.

I don't know, I still say there is hope for Emma to appear in the move.  Emma or your agents, if you're reading this....hi!


  1. Finally they get to the sex. Chapter 8 - sheesh - talk about foreplay.
    "Rectify the situation"? Oy. What an initiation. Trial by firey tukus.
    Glad to see your 50 Shades recap is back!

  2. Blood everywhere? From what? I thought the author was a mom; how is it that she has no first-hand knowledge of how sex works?

  3. I must agree that your chapter reviews are much better than the actual book. her foot fetish thing weirded me out, plus the fact that her first time was so amaaaaazing, I call bullshit. I don't know one woman whose first sexual encounter was anything but weird, uncomfortable and not much to write home about in the orgasm department

  4. I'm all for porn. But even porn should be well written. I read the first page in the bookstore and almost puked! How did 50 Shades get published? Who was the crack genius that thought it passed for quality work? Of course, I say that about Dan Brown too.

  5. Hello you may notice I have decided to follow your blog, now as it happens I get cynical when some strange person turns up during the A to Z saying ooooooo what a good blog, because I have noticed some do this with every blog taking part. So in order to reassure you that I have not arrived here to say something nice with the sneaky plan of making you feel you might follow back, I will say your blog is terrible (OK I don't mean it, but you can pretend I do). Yes Yes OK I do really (or do I)

    I am also the young eccentric child of cyberspace so have not read today's post just in case (I kept my eyes closed) so don't know what you said. But I like a quirky blog so will watch and ponder, and good luck getting to Z.

    Rob Z Tobor

  6. I am so glad I hadn't bothered to read the book. This is similar to how I get my news from the Daily Show...with the comments built in to make the news/story easier to take!

  7. Yay! The review is back! I don't know any female under the age of 5 who says "down there."

    And I hear they're thinking of asking Kirsten Stewart to play Steeley, to which I say "NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo! :)

  8. LOL! Have you seen the stage play "Spank: A Fifty Shades Parody"? Sounds like it'd be your cup of tea.

  9. I enjoyed the chapter review much more than I enjoyed the chapter - thanks! Taking a break from Between the Keys and stopping by to say hello as part of the 2013 A to Z Blogging Challenge. Great blog!

  10. I'm a fellow attributing blogger from Life Well Blogged and have shared an award with you. Please visit my site at

  11. Oh my word - just actually read your post. You are so going on my blog roll. Absolutely love your take on the book - eagerly waiting for you to read the rest of the book.

  12. Your review is far better than the actual book. My adult daughters raved about the book when it came out and of course gave me a copy. I could barely get through it---bored the shit out of me. I didn't have the heart to tell my little sweetlings that Mommy Dearest had already been there and done that stuff a loooong time ago....

  13. ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!! I love your review of 50!
    A to Z buddy
    Peanut Butter and Whine

  14. Funny! Honestly could not get through the book... and now I know I didn't need to!

    I nominated you for a Liebster Award. If you would like to accept, come on over for the details….

  15. I read the book, but there is no way I would go see the movie. I can't imagine seeing some of the scenes in the book in a theater full of people!

    He has what I call a 'magic penis' in the book. He is always ready to go mutliple rounds, and he can bring her to climax just with his penis alone, with no foreplay in mere minutes! Totally realistic :)

  16. hahahaha. And to think I turned down a free copy of the book yesterday.

    AtoZing at
    Take 25 to Hollister
    Don't be a Hippie