Saturday, September 15, 2012

A Sticky Situation

 $30 million dollars of maple syrup was stolen in Quebec a few days ago.  I will repeat that, $30 MILLION dollars for MAPLE SYRUP was stolen in Quebec.  How does one steal $30 million dollars worth of syrup?

Those crazy Canadians find themselves in quite the sticky situation, besides leaving a cavity sized whole in the syrup supply, and trying to catch the sticky fingered criminals (OK, enough puns), Canada supplies almost 80% of the world's maple syrup and 75% of it goes to us, the Americans.  Canada is the Saudi Arabia of the sugary goodness, holding the cards on the syrup reserve of the world.  There is even a Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers, which is responsible for the global strategic maple syrup reserve, so they take this shit very seriously.  It's kind of like the Jedi Council of maple syrup.

***We interrupt your regularly scheduled blog for an after school special***

Let me give you a little lesson on maple syrup because there are two things I know too much about, Scrappy Doo and making maple syrup.  I was raised making maple syrup and believe you me, it's not an easy task.  You live and die by meteorologists, it needs to be perfect weather for a good season.  Mother Nature needs to bless you with below freezing at night and well above freezing during the day.  It takes forty gallons of sap to make one gallon of syrup.  What?  Did you think that the trees just produced the syrup?  Dumbass.  The sap then needs to be boiled down to evaporate the water in a device called an evaporator (clever huh?) and it needs to be watched, tested and watched some more throughout the whole process.  Once the sap hits that amber nectar stage, it's ready to be drawn off and canned or bottled.  The you sell the amber nectar for a ton of money because people will buy it.  That is Maple Syrup 101; the Cliff Notes.

***We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog, thank you.***

At first I pictured something like Fort Knox or Gringotts Bank from Harry Potter, but instead of armed guards or goblins with magic guarding it, there are a few Dudley Do Right Mounties keeping watch.  Instead, I was disappointed to learn that in reality it is a small warehouse, one of many and is only protected by a fence and locks with regular checks.   Despite this being a major blow to the Canadian economy and possibly increasing the cost of REAL maple syrup (not the Mrs. Butterworth crap) this is a pretty fucking funny story.  The officials seem so nonchalant about the whole situation, the people interviewed are blase and reading the stories you wouldn't think that the thieves made off with ten million pounds or 15,000 barrels of syrup but rather more like a couple of quarts off the shelves from the local super market.

 Another funny aspect to this story is the small warehouse is located in a very small town called Saint-Louis-de-Blandford, which boasts 903 residents and they are more focused on the local cranberry harvests.  The question still remains, how did 15,000 barrels of maple syrup disappear?  This had to take some sort of intel and planning like the Italian Job...wait!  That's it!  That's how they stole the syrup!

Picture it, its a calm summer's night in Saint-Louis-de-Blanford, all 903 citizens are safe and sound in their comfy beds, dreaming of cranberries and tractors (right Ken?).  Off in the distance a wolf howls, almost warning the people of the impending doom.  Off in a field there stands a small clapboard barn surrounded by barbed wire and a few dimly lit light poles.  A lone man dressed in red patrols the establishment and keeps a watchful, crossed eye out for any trouble.

By dark of night or light of day, no one will get past me, no way, eh.

Meanwhile, just a few meters (or feet to us) away the plot begins to thicken.  A group of sinister thieves have gathered, their mission...to pull off the greatest Maple Syrup Heist ever!  They even have an elaborate plan...

I don't know if we can do this eh, look at the two rows of barbed wire.

Hey boss!  We have wire cutters! We can cut the wires.

OK, listen up, here's the plan, you two morons will cut the fence...

Us?

No you idiots, the other two morons who bought wire cutters.  They will cut the fence and you will sneak in all quiet like because you will be wrapped in duct tape to muffle any sounds.  Once in, you will sneak past the guard and quickly roll out 15,000 barrels of maple syrup and onto the waiting truck driven by a girl.

 Hey!  I'm not a girl!

The villainous villains successfully sneak past the guard and roll 15,000 barrels of maple syrup out of the barn and into the girl's truck.  They drive off into the night never to be heard from again.  Then dawn rises and the guard realizes his mistake.

Holy Molson beer!  The door is ajar, I need to call the president of the FPAQ, or Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup, he'll know what to do!

Jumping moose!  What do you mean all of the syrup was stolen?  We shouldn't call it stolen, we will say it went missing.  We better not tell anyone about this either, just to make sure the police can do their job.

What do you think will happen to the missing syrup sir?

Chances are it will end up on the black market down in Florida and we won't be able to trace it.

So, keep an eye out for a surge of sweet stuff down South and like the President of FPAQ says, unlike laundered money maple syrup doesn't come with a serial number and it will end up like the other food that ended up missing  in Canada like "a football field's worth of potatoes", 3,600 kilograms of honey, 6,000 cattle and 72,000 kilograms of chicken.

You just can't make this shit up....

***If anyone feels I was being stereotypical against Canadians, I apologize...I apologize you don't have a sense of humor!
 
Dude Write

25 comments:

  1. Maple syrup's really good on back bacon, eh. Listen, those people who don't get the joke can take off, eh.

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    1. There's a new crisis on the horizon now...a bacon shortage!

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  2. Woah. I did not know about this. Time to put an e-mail in to our friends in Ottawa. I was going to thrill them with the story of how I shopped for fishing lures at Canadian Tire when I was in Nova Scotia but now I've really got something interesting to ask them about.

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  3. Hilarious! And to think where I live they are stealing copper wire from power poles and HVAC units from homes, churches and schools. :) I love the Red Green Show!

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    1. In Canada maple syrup is the gold...

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  4. I enjoyed this post immensely, even though it saddens me to admit that it was only recently that I learned syrup didn't ooze directly from maple trees but needs to be rendered down. Good thing I look smarter than I am.

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    1. You definitely are smart CC, some of your posts are enlightening!

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  5. Good analogy, the Canadians really are the Saudi's of the Maple Syrup world! #TheMoreYouKnow

    Nice one Kevin!

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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    1. There's something like a 10 to 1 maple tree to person ration up there....maybe more.

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  6. Who knew there's good money in stealing maple syrup?! Bank robberies are so overrated!

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    1. Seems easier to heist the syrup too!

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  7. Fascinating process. I have to admit to wondering how you lose 15000 barrels of the stuff? Was David Copperfield involved?

    WG

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    1. He probably was involved, 15,000 barrels is nothing compared to the Statue of Liberty

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  8. The best part of this post was that when I read the part where Red Green was talking the voice in my head was Red Green's voice. Only thing missing was Harold.

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  9. I love that it went "missing". Maybe someone just counted wrong? ha ha ha - great post

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    1. Oh according the all of the reports I read they went missing, like a big hole in a sea of barrels.

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  10. Great! Now the prices on maple syrup are going to sky-rocket!

    Also, is there really a high demand of maple syrup on the black market? A barrel of the stuff for a preserved kidney or something?

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    1. From what I read there is a big market for maple syrup down south in Florida, so there might be a syrup cartel forming soon.

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  11. I can honestly say, without a shadow of a doubt, that I've never, ever, dreamed of cranberries! Now tractors, on the other hand......

    Have you ever stopped to consider that this might, in fact be an inside job? Staged to create an artificial shortage of maple syrup only to drive up the price up. Then, make our lovely American cousins to the south pay through the nose to get their fix of maple flavoured sugary goodness. Put that on your waffles and think about it for a bit...eh! :)

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    1. I have to admit that when I first heard about this my first thought was if you had caught wind of it up there and new of any insider information.

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  12. "I am a man. I can change. If I have to. I guess."

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