Thursday, July 25, 2013

Inbred, Cornfed

We all know the whole joke in the Star Wars galaxy what if Luke and Leia actually hooked up right?  Brother and sister bow-chicka-wow-wow is no good and even if some people say if they did hook up the offspring could have been the most powerful Jedi known.  The problem is, he/she could have been the most powerful Jedi known but cross eyed and with twelve fingers and that's just not right so thank the Maker that Luke and Leia never hooked up.

Now here in the real world we have a similar situation in Cincinnati, Ohio, just with rhinoceroses-es-es (fuck it, rhinos).  There seems to be a severe decline in the Sumatran species and there are only a few left in the world.  This brings up a good point, don't be douches and go hunting just because.  I get hunting for food and I appreciate a good venison stew but don't kill something just for one little piece of the animal, like the horn which I highly doubt is an aphrodisiac anyway, I mean ouch, where would you stick that thing?

No, the problem lies in the fact that a zoo in Cincinnati is going to attempt to breed or should I say inbreed rhinos.  Harapan (the male) is being brought in from the Los Angeles Zoo to meet Suci, his sister in hopes they find each other attractive.  The ultimate goal is to have these two mate and start to repopulate the rhino world.  According to the story I read at Huffington Post, which you can find HERE, just because they are brother and sister doesn't necessarily mean the offspring will be drooling and look like they came from the Appalachian mountains (I should apologize for any of my readers who live in the Appalachian mountains, but I don't have to, they don't have internet let alone know how to read, so they will never see this).

So, brother and sister aside, how does one get rhinos to get all freaky?  In the story they say it is very difficult to mate rhinos because they like solitary conditions, so what do you do to make sure the rhinos get the nasty on?  What kind of mood music do they like to get them all horned up?  See what I did there?  Horned's funny.  In the human world you put on some Barry White or Devo and away we go.  What you don't get turned on by Whip It?  Just me?  Maybe the rhinos like a little Celine Dion or maybe Two Live Crew gets them going, who knows, but I can imagine that it would be a long process to figure out which music puts them in the mood.

You're reading and then BAM!  rhinos fucking.
What if the brother saunters in and looks at the sister and thinks "What an ugly bitch?"  Do you show him some National Geographic videos of rhinos getting it on?  You know, rhino porn.  While he's in the cage you put the DVD in and show him some freaky deaky rhino porn on the 60" plasma.  That may not even work either, what if the sister is a lesbian or the brother has a bromance?  The Sumatran species is fucked because the fate of their population lies in the nether regions of gay rhinos.  Not good.

OK, let's say that the rhino porn, Eddie Money music and a candle light dinner worked and Harapan (would have made a fantastic name for the new royal baby) and Suci (who the hell cares about the royal baby anyway, people have kids all the time) start going at it doggie rhino style and after a few minutes (even rhinos have performance issue) the sandwiches are made and the deed is done but it doesn't take.  They try it again and again and again but still nothing...poor Hara can't produce the goods.  Now they result to other measures and who is the poor soul who has to go get a sample from the rhino, no matter who you are you will forever be known as the fluffer of the rhino world.  Gross.

Obscure reference...
The last I heard this has not happened quite yet so with bated breath we wait to see how Harapan and Suci like their new incestial  relationship. 


  1. I wonder how this turned out? Did we get a double horned baby? Maybe one with two penises? Inquiring minds want to know.

  2. Oh where oh where has our snarky friend Kevin gone? Oh where oh where can he be? Keeeviiiin.... come baaacckkk. :)